dont fancy my man, love him, but spark gone!!!!!!!!!!! anyone else?

[zell05]

TOGETHER FOR EIGHT YEARS TWO BABIES LATER AND I FIND MYSELF WONDERING IF THIS IS HOW IT WILL ALWAYS BE. I LOOK AT HIM AND TRY AND THINK OF WHAT I FANCIED IN THE BEGININNING, BUT I WAS 19 THEN AND THINGS CHANGE SO MUCH! i'VE FOUND MYSELF FANCYING OTHER GUYS AND AS I AM MAD ABOUT SALSA IT MAKES IT HARD NOT TO LOOK AND TOUCH, I REALLY DONT WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS AND CONVINCE MYSELF THAT IT WILL ALL COME FLOODING BACK TO ME ONE DAY ANY ADVICE???

Zella - see my thread above on 'Done something stupid'. This is what will happen if you continue to feel like this. Please don't get yourself into the mess I'm in now - try and get some spark back before it's too late! Don't ask me how though - I need suggestions too! Hope you work through this.

thanks for replying undercoverregular i did read your thread to know that others are in simular situation is comforting, but bet we all wish we didnt have to deal with all this in the first place. Inner emotions are so hard to control how we feel deep down when the lights are off, i will stay as i am right now as im too scared to do much else , but it is always there that niggling feeling that i could be on a different road or at least be happier on inside thanx again x

Zell - I couldnt agree more. See my post on "done something stupid" as well. What a carry on!!!! How did we get into this mess and whats the way out?? Would love a magic wand to tidy up mess!

i've said so many things to him i meant it all but as we all know the truth really hurts,once said theres no going back, im gonna keep my big mouth shut from now on im too bloody honest, and all my honesty has got me absolutely nowhere(apart from alot of headache).We gonna go away for first time ever on our own, it will either bring us together or tear us apart, there will be nowhere to run if things start to turn sour will just have to wait and see!!!!!!!!!!!!

It did come flooding back with me! Spent ages wondering should I go 9there were other issues such as his health), then we got a break away as a family and he relaxed and Is tarted remembering why.

we do have alot of common interests its just having the time to do them also im londoner now we live in derbyshire love it here dont get me wrong but my life is a little insular, thats why i started salsa to get a bit of life for myself, but thats where all my troubles started, realised i fancied others dont wanna give salsa up cos its all i've got but theres a fine line, what to do

i seem to be reading quite a few threads like this one,only thing i would say is please try get that feeling back,could you take him dancing with you& go out on dates like you used to,maybe cook romantic meals things like that.you say you are going on holiday that should give you both time to see how you feel.i wish you luck with what ever you choose

yes, that's pretty much what happenned to us, I got a life after a while at home and realised there was a WORLD OUT THERE! Got too carried away with it all and ALMOST had an affair with an (actually minging fat and elderly- why????) lorry driver. We were both in the group, but we were never together, and we each working really long hours too. When we started spending time together, it didn't take long for the spark to kick back in. A couple of days to get to know each other again. I think you have to have the time together, or it can be easy to lose the specialness of the two of you together, but also you need time awa- it's hard ton get the blance sometimes.

Oh GOD not another one!

Before I commence please note, I'm really not as smug and sorted as it's going to come across, I'm speaking because I've been there. Most of us have and will do again.

Marriages/Partnerships take a lot of effort, during the duration of one you've got to expect to fall in and out of love with DH/DP loads of times.

If you're feeling unhappy with the relationship do something about it, and I don't mean leave.

If you can send sexy flirty texts to other men you can send them to your husband. Guarantee he'll like it. Take him dancing, go on dates, seduce him...why do you expect DH's to make the running, they're men for goodness sake. Chances are if you are still having some sex he won't have even noticed how you're feeling so he won't know that he needs to do something about it.

Help the poor loves out a bit and then reap the rewards.

I think we all feel this sometimes, once we have settled in to our comfy 'soft-slippers' type relationships, we put weight on, he starts going a bit bald, or just being a boring old s*d.

I think we all forget that relationships need work, just like other aspects of your life.

Talk to him, explain you need some of the romance back, try to organise time alone together.Do something you did together before you became parents.

Do you ever get 'glammed up' for him? He might not be fa\ncying you so much either you know.

If you value the committment you made when you married (or had a child together) then you owe it to yourself to work at putting your relationship back on track.

Anyway, having an affair strikes me as a way to make your life VERY stressful.

Passionflower, same thought, same time.

In exactly the same situation (also on Done Something Stupid thread). Me and dh have put together a checklist of things we need to do weekly - respect each other, have quality time together, sex together(!) etc, and then we will have a review at the end of the month. We have been brushing everything under the carpet for too long now, and are both of the opinion that we don't want to be in the same situation - i.e. no passion - 10 years down the line.

Is it just you feeling like this or does dh feel the same?

ladies ladies i feel i've done the sexy dress up and done it to death!!!! DP has a shoe fetish so i cant really get away from it, im bored of it want to step up to the next level(where ever that is) dont get me wrong i do love him to bits and have very recently been at the point of going our separate ways, but we are still trying to make a go of it, im hoping brighter days will come

sexonlegs! its only me who feels like this DP still feels exactly the same about me sexually, he still feels that passion and i really wanna feel it too, wish i could just pop down the shops and buy some!!!!

If DP still feels the same thats half the battle won!

My best tip for this situation is to get some saucy literature, doesn't have to be 'top shelf' stuff, a good romance will do. Read it bed, then if you start to feel steamy, chuck it on the floor and chuck yourself on DP. Have a good fantasize, if you still love him the attraction will come back. Promise.

DP works nights wanted nookie at 7am this morning, there was just no way, i could bearly open my eyes let alone get down on it!! i know he was well dissapointed so i feel really bad, i just cant feel sexy or be in the mood when i've just woken up. AM I THE ONLY ONE?????????

My DH works nights and that makes it hardder doesn't it? All your rhythms get out of sync. We make a special effort on his first day off now (he works 4 on /4 off, so when he goes back to work he feels sorted for the rest of the shift.

Dh gets back a little later so kids always up and me busy on school run by then, dunno if that's good or bad.

When I was growing up , Dad worked nights also. Mum always went up with a cup of tea (in response to a bang on the floor- DH wouldn't DARE!), I presume that's when they had their 'special' time, I think it was very sensible of them to build it in! After a few years of problems (dad didnt cope well with three teenage daughters), my parents have the most sorted marriage I know, and after 37 years still hold hands every day. I reckon they can teach me a thing or two!

One of my Mum's mantras (it's not trendy and I suspect i will get shouted down but I think she has a point anyway) is that when you contract a marriage, you are also contracting with each other to provide sexual relations regularly for the duration of the marriage.

very interesting thread

peachychair - i think you mum makes a good point - all marriages which last are built on understanding, and that has to encompass the "sexual relations" also

IMO, and my opinion only, is that the "for better for worse" business is a promise - if you don't mean it, don't make it

with the obvious exception of abuse (emotional/physical/verbal/financial etc), a commitment to a marriage is hardwork, but in the long run, worthwhile

where did we ever get the notion in our heads that marriage was going to be one long romantic fling full of pasionate sex and spontaneity, with no hard work put in? its not realistic, not for me, desirable

Koalabear, I agree!

Sometimes marriages seem to be disposable these days. Obviously i can't guarantee mine will last, but I CAN guarantee I will do my absolute best to make it last! I promised my own set of vows as opposed to the the For Better For WOrse ones, but I promised to laugh with him, cry with him, and to put as much effort into his dreams as my own- and to do everything in my power to make this work. I still mean that, increasingly so as I mature and realise that it is HARd slog sometimes!

yep, we have our selection of hard stuff, but what i love is that the longer i am with him, the more i know about him and the more he knows about me - i love the fact that i know what he is thinking by a particular look on his face, and therefore, i can do something to make him happy - the knowledge that grows with you as a couple the longer you are together is a real blessing that i had not contemplated

Well, it is great news that many mn'ers out there are still content in their marriages/relationships - hopefully me and dh will become so again too (as with Zello5 and others). I totally understand that it not a bed of roses and needs working at - we have been working at it for the last 6 years (since we got married!), and whilst I am not about to give up, surely there has to be a cut-off point?

sexonlegs - i'm not advocating being miserable regardless - i'm just advocating what you have been doing - working at it before calling it a day

oh, and i guess i'm also advocating realistic expectations - which is hard when we are brought up from a very young age to believe that marriage is the "pot of gold" and that you're not complete until you've "got it" - a complete load of rubbish in my opinion - but I guess my views on the unrealistic expectations thrust upon young children/girls/women by society is a bit of a diversion from what this thread is all about

Peachyclaire and oala,
I'm so heartened to read your posts, I thought I was the only one old-fashioned enough to believe in all that stuff.

We've been married 12 years now, we're not in the first flush of lust any more, but we do hold hands in front of the telly most nights in, tell each other we love each other every day, and try to grasp any opportunity for time alone together.

If our marriage fails, it won't be because we didn't try to make it work.

sorry Koala