Why is my dh such a prick?

[Tinykins]

We have been going through a bad patch.Waiting on counselling at the moment. We had decided to tentatively go out for dinner tomorrow night and try and start talking through things.

Then a couple who we are friendly with texted last night to invite us to go out for dinner with them for the guys birthday. I thought about it, and given that things are still strained and we are on a truce, I said to my dh this morning before he left for work that I felt we should leave it and not go out with them.

I felt him bristle at that, and he sighed and said in a resigned voice "well it's totally up to you, your call." I said what about you, do you want to go? He got sort of ittitated and said stuff like, well its a "shame" that we have to be letting down our friends" and a "shame" that we cannot go out on a saturday night and enjoy ourselves, etc all said with this kind of annoyance and resigned sigh as if it is all down to ME that we find ourselves in this predicament.

I then said to him that he seemed a bit annoyed about it, and did he want to actually go out tonight? Then he spoke to me very crossly, raised his voice, saying stuff like "As usual I have no control over how you interpret how it talk...I dont give a fuck what we do tonight..etc etc just think it is a shame this is the way things are etc etc

And I felt upset for several reasons. Firstly the real Shame is that our marriage has got to this state. Secondly, he ALWAYS does this. He gets angry with me, I ask him why he is angry, he ANGRILY denies that he is angry instead insisting that it is my oversensitive INTERPRETATION of his tone, (this drives me MAD that he wont even admit to his own anger) and then he flounces off to work telling me that this row is going to hang over him all day and ruin his day, (And of course this is all my fault)

Someone please tell me that this is not normal interaction and it there is some bloody book out there that can help me understand what the hell is wrong with my dh and why he gets so angry but then gets even angrier when this is pointed out to him, and why he hurts and upsets me and then goes around as it it is all my fault! Please help.

Thanks T Diddy, your post made me laugh re tapping on shoulder

Yes we can talk this to death but at some stage we just have to get on with it.

I did say this to him last night, but he seems to think we cannot move forward in any way until we have counselling, but that could take weeks even months. He has no faith in our own ability as a couple to mend ourselves, and that depresses me slightly.

However, I though last night that we had made some progress, so it sort of upset me and confused me this morning when he left for work, said a few words to me but no kiss goodbye. The only time he doesnt kiss me goodbye on leaving for work is when we have argued that morning, and we hadnt argued, we'd had a heart to heart last night but which had been tough, but beneficial, and then he gets up this morning and does this, and he knows that will have unsettled me. I feel like he is messing with my head, i dont know what to think..

Tinykins- sounds as though he is having a massive sulk? If so what about? I guess that you have asked him already? What is it that is bothering him? I have only ever sulked like that with a g-friend when (i) not getting enough (ii)wanted to break up (long time ago).....I feel that there is something that your DH wants but is looking for intervention from a counsellor. Wonder why he is finding it difficult to say? Is he harbouring some resentment from a few years back, maybe when the kids were younger?

TDiddy - I have no idea. I did ask him last night to lay all his card on the table, but obviously there is something he is holding back.

He came in tonight, spoke to me in a polite but distant way, ate dinner, and then he took himself off to a different room to watch a programme, (instead of sitting in the room we normally sit in together in the evenings).

It seems like he is punishing me for something, but wont even tell me what it is. I am so tired of all this, I am finding it increasingly exhausting and emotionally draining to live with. I know I should probably ask him what is up, but I am just so tired of it all at the moment that I have decided to get myself to bed, and just block it all out until tomorrow, perhaps he will have gotten over it, whatever it is, by then.

With regard to your question about resentment, I know that he is feeling a lot of resentment towards me, it comes out regularly when we argue and was very very visible during our chat last night. So much so that I had to ask him if he still actually wanted to be married to me. He said yes, but not in a very convincing way. Then I asked him to tell me why he wanted to be married to me, and he just shrugged and without meeting my eye muttered "why wouldnt I?"

It didnt exactly fill my heart with hope and joy.

Tinywinks - i think he does love you but is definitely punishing you and holding back which is why he wants a counsellor. I don't think that you should feel too insecure that he doesn't want to be with you.

Can you afford a single session with a private counsellor? Maybe if you booked something then your DH will be happier.

Perhaps it is time to take a small break from the tireless chatting and to start doing somethings that you know makes (i) you happy (ii) him happy. Look after yourself, stay confident, get some exercise and rest (mental and physical. He will eventually have to pull himself together at some point. I really recommend doing some sport or exercise together.

I will give that a try. And thanks TDiddy for the advice, has helped to give me another perspective.

pleasure

Yes, susiedaisy I can see that.

Im going through something similar also .

Keep out of it for a bit. Let the dust settle.