she said "i love you but i'm not in love with you"

[nigel250866]

where do i start.... after 10 years of marriage, 6 of which i can say were very happy my wife told me 4 weeks ago that "i love you but i'm not in love with you". I am devestated.
She says we have simply grown apart and with me working away from home for the most of our married life, she says she simply does n't need me for anything anymore. I have suggested counselling and she has agreed to go as i suppose a last resort try everything approach.

I suppose it all started 4 years ago when i forced her into an abortion, we had both agreed that we would not have anymore children and she fell pregnant accidentally. I did not want another child and after alot of arguments she agreed to the abortion. We already had two young children of 4 and 2 (both boys)and i was very concerned that she would not cope especially with me being away alot of the time and her only support was a mother who was not particularly mentally stable. After the abortion she became intraverted and finally after 3 months went and saw a counsellor who in one session gave her a different prospective on things, which turned her around. I probably need to say that she lives for the children and is a fantastic mother. Some 18 months later after lots of discussions re more children i relented and we agreed to have another, our daughter was born 18 months ago.

I have a quite stressful job and have been working very long hours and away from home during the week and then coming home at weekends. This changed approximately 2 years ago and i was away for 2-3 weeks at a time and then coming home for several days. We both agreed to this work pattern due to uk tax laws and having to keep under 90 days in the uk to avoid the tax implications. The financial benefit would mean that the schooling for the children could be paid for more easily and we could possibly move house to a better area.

My wife does not work and has the best of everything, she has expensive clothes and i suppose you could call her a WAG. The right mulberry hand bag and the Laboutine shoes etc etc... I have worked very hard to give her these things and she has looked after the children and the house. Until 4 weeks ago i thought we were just going thru a bad patch like all marriages but when the bombshell was dropped it all began to fall into place. The reluctance to kiss me passionately, the drop off in sex and intimacy, no touching or hugs. When we did have sex she would always do everthing to get it finished as quickly as possible.

I have never treated her badly (except for the abortion)and she says i have been "too nice" giving her everything she has ever wanted. Since the bombshell she has seen the other side of me. I am an all or nothing person and this total and utter rejection has hurt me more than i could ever imagined. I cannot sleep and spend my time trying to work out where it all went wrong. I have been very nasty, threatening (not physically), and i suppose an absolute B***d, my moods have been swinging from highs to complete lows. When i go home we just seem to dance round each other, she speaks to me but does not really talk and she says the only thing we now have in common is the children.

I do not know what to do, she says that circumstances have brought us to this place and its nobodys fault.

She also complains that when i am at home that i have no intrest in the family and doing the family stuff. To this end i have agreed to get fitter in order that i have more energy when i'm at home. Working 11-12 hour days for weeks on end takes it out of me and all i have been doing is watching TV.
So yes i can understand her point of view.

she says i'm quiet and don't talk when were with friends, again i hope more energy will help...

I have been very committed to my work and yes i have put that before family, but the work has enabled the family and her to have nice things and not really worry about money.

What i suppose i would like to know has anyone recovered from this situation in the past.. or is all lost?. I love her still, we were soulmates when we met and had a fairytale meeting and courtship thru to the perfect wedding and marriage until....

What can i do to make things right again?

Can the counselling help?

I feel absolutely lost....

Hi Nigel,

Wow have MNers been unkind to you!!! I don't think you deserve all that. You have tried to support and look after your family in the only way you know how. If you were an unemployed lazy slob, that would deserve flaming. You will be damned if you work hard and damned if you don't. The culture of very long working hours is not family friendly, but in many jobs you have no choice but to work very long hours. You are being flamed for then being tired and watching tv. Would being the life and soul down the pub be any better? Sadly absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes out of sight out of mind. Your wife has learned to cope without you. I don't blame you for suspecting an affair. Now that you are satisfied that there is no affair, you can set that suspicion aside. In my opinion it was necessary to check up and satisfy yourself on that point. But what to do now? It does seem that your wife is missing you emotionally. If she says that she loves you (but isn't in love) and that you are "too good", it does seem that there is at least goodwill and affection, just not a spark. Maybe try to rekindle that spark.
You could arrange some telephone counseling with a Relate counsellor. This can be achieved fairly quickly and may give you useful insight and ideas.

Very good luck

OP's saying he did mean WAG as disrespectful was a typo. He said Dogfish got it right: "All he meant by WAG was that his wife enjoys an affluent lifestyle." (Until just now, I hadn't realised WAG was considered an insult by some!)

Nigel. We read a lot of posts, here, from women who have tons of lovely things as a result of their husbands working like mad & far away, as you do. For a wife, this life tends to end up feeling empty - and lonely. She gets her sense of worth from her children and the lovely things. Children bring emotional meaning, but not support or adult companionship or sex. You'd have to be very shallow to get 'meaning' from shoes & handbags so, even with a decent social life, there would be a big space in her life where you used to be.

Perhaps you feel that way too.

I suspect this 'emptiness' was a problem before the abortion fiasco. I suspect the reason she wanted another child was to help fill that emotional space; to add more meaning. So, when you put your foot down, it may have implied that you felt she should be satisfied with shopping instead. If you think about it, that's quite insulting - it shows little compassion for her emotional needs. So that would have made the 'emptiness' feel worse, you know?

The wives who post here with similar problems often feel very torn between their need for closeness - meaning - and their attachment to an expensive lifestyle. If you think about it, that's quite insulting to their husbands: when you married, did you expect to be a partner or a cash cow?

So you've both gone wrong along the way.

You absolutely have to stop acting like a stroppy teenager, and start treating her as the woman you love, who is sad and lonely. Stop writing cheques and start listening. Help out. Do stuff with your family. Have some fun.

I don't know whether she sees the counselling as going through the motions but, if you want her back, you cannot afford to let that thought even enter your head. You've got to view it, wholeheartedly, as an opportunity to improve your relationship and your lives as a family.

One last thing: "I love you but I'm not in love with you" often means "I love you but I'm in love with someone else." Snooping is a demeaning & horrible tactic, but I can't blame you for doing it. I hope you're right that there is no-one else - in any event, you have got the opportunity to win her back. Not like you were before, but better & with more meaning.

I really hope it works for you. Don't fuck around with your last chance!

I feel sad for Nigel, and for his wife
there are alot of men that work his patterns in my industry (I guess engineering/construction/oil etc) . I think you get caught on the wheel and think "its for the best"

then the house of cards comes tumbling down, as relationships eventually need more

Its either fixable, or its not

think you need to try counselling and spending some time together. if you want to save it, maybe the status quo needs to change DRASTICALLY
there is more to life than money. can you, hand on heart, give up the money and maybe have an office based job thats less cash but nearer to home???

If she remains adamant that its over, then you need to try and rebuild your life, and maybe focus on the children and your relationship with them

good luck, and I think many of us say and do nasty things when we are in a fight. fuck knows, I do

Itsgraceactually - Good post. I hope the OP is still reading.

I don't often post on here but here goes, a few years ago me and husband were in similar situation, he had an excellent job working for a bank in London which meant long commutes, he was also under pressure to take part in the drinking culture in the city, financially we were doing well and we had a good life style, nice holidays, material possessions, but, we were living two seperate lives and drifting apart, he had his life in London, I had my life at home with the children and my part time job. I even slept in a seperate room a lot that's how far apart we got, then suddenly his Dad was diagonosed with terminal cancer and long story short it caused him to reassess his whole life, his long hours, his alcohol problem, he packed in the job in London and has become self employed with a little office close to home, I now work more hours to help, we claim tax credits, we have a lot less money and havn't had a holiday for three years but we have re established our relationship/marriage and he has reconnected with our boys and family life, I love him so much for doing this.
I think you need to seriously take stock and see what you can do to work less hours and reconnect with your wife and children before it's too late.

thanks for the last few threads... i have told my wife that i will do anything to fix the situation if that means giving up the lifestyle we lead then so be it...

I can change as a person.. i need to focus on her and the family more and re-prioritise what is important. I have not realised what is important until you almost lose it....

I believe it will take along time but i am prepared to work at, i just hope my wife is...

Good for you Nigel.

I wish you all the best and hope you can both work through this x

I think you've probably killed it Nigel.

The way to make up for it is to be generous and nice to her during the divorce, and not to hold it against her if she can't work on it any more.

Sometimes people reach the end of their inner resources, and not being able to work on it any more is not meant as a personal attack on the partner who has perhaps realised too late that he risks losing things he had taken far too much for granted up to the point of no return. Hope you will be able to accept it and respect it if she has got to the point of feeling that too much water has flown under the bridge.

www.stopyourdivorce.com