How would you take it if your DH pulled out of a family trip the day before?

[jamaisjedors]

LAst night at midnight when I went up to bed (family staying so chatting late), DH announced he was not coming to the UK with me and the DC.

We are due to leave on Saturday morning for a week and a family wedding when we are over there.

I am a bit in and taking it pretty badly because we have been arguing a bit the last couple of days and he has just announced he needs to "rest" so will be staying home.

I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting.

Nope you're not over-reacting.

Sounds like he is being a selfish prick.

Or that he has made other plans for himself and wants rid of you all.

Either way not good.

Sorry

I'd go nuts tbh - quite apart from the waste of money, it won't be good for the DC as well as putting you in a v difficult position.

Can you get the family staying with you to look after the DC this morning and sit down privately and have a really calm and thourough chat ?

He is stressed about work (research) and wants to get some done and do lots in the garden.

You're not over reacting. What a selfish man. I would tell him the subject is not up for discussion, and that he is going.
Is he usually so selfish and unthinking? When do you get to rest?

I think you both need to sit down and calmly chat about why he has suddenly pulled out and if he has thought through all the ramifications of this, presumably tickets are booked and he will loose the money?

It's the ferry so changes nothing re. tickets.

I don't think there is anything to talk about, which is why I am cross.

He has made his decision.

Am off out to do some last minute shopping. Will be back later.

"I would tell him the subject is not up for discussion, and that he is going."

Would you really Dolly?

I cant imagine this would get a positive response.

IMO it depends on the context - is he normally a selfsh arse who just does as he pleases irrespective of the family?

or is he up to his neck in work that he is worried about and has been psyching himself up to tell you that he just can't go on the trip for fear of going under?

there's no point in him going if he is just going to be stressed out about work that he could be getting sorted

on the other hand if its an excuse to avoid doing something he doesn't want to do, that's a very different matter

the timing of his announcement kind of suggests the former, but I could be wrong!

Tell him you will all be staying at home with him so that you can work through things together. Cancel the trip.

I once got really behind on a work deadline and I was so stressed I couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight. We had a long w/e planned with friends and I was weeping at the thought of going.

I 'pretended' to be sick and spend a whole day finishing off the work (or at least most of it) and joined everyone one day late and able to relax and enjoy the rest of the w/e.

I'm not proud of what I did, but I had got myself into such at state that that seemed to be the only way out.

Tell him you will all be staying at home with him so that you can work through things together. Cancel the trip.

Are you serious? Hubby throws his toys out of the pram acting like a teenager and she should spoil hers and the kids week away, with family and a wedding to boot.

It sounds like there are serious relationship problems or he is incredible stressed out. I would want it sorted.

How about, threaten to cancel the trip and see if he panics?

XH used to look for any excuse not to go away with us. I'm as certain as it's possible to be that he didn't have ulterior motives, he just didn't like being away from his comfort zone. He didn't get away with it very often though, because I was fecked if he would have a nice peaceful time pottering around at home while I had to referee entertain 4 DCs! However he got his own back by sulking and grouching for the whole week. I gave up booking family holidays eventually - would take one or two DCs for a couple of days here and there instead.

Agree with the calm thorough chat suggestion.

Can he join you for the wedding for just one day? if its just a ferry ride away, he could probably make the journey...

This would not be an issue for me, as my DH won't go to the UK with us for any reason. We are a long way away, and I have resigned myself that it will only ever be me and the DCs visiting my family in the UK.

No dodgy ulterior motives, and I think a lot of you are right, he is really stressed about work and so I might try and be understanding but he is currently stonewalling/doing the silent thing (actually he had been for a couple of days since my cousin arrived).

I think it's mostly work, but what annoys me is that I think the last minute announcement combined with us not getting on makes it feel a little like him "punishing me".

Actually after the shock and hurt I was a little relieved because last year he came with us and sulked (as Annie says) and lay in bed for 3 days "resting" as a sort of silent protest against coming.

It was really embarrassing staying with friends and him doing that.

I don't think you have much choice. He should have told you before but he hasn't, and that was wrong of him, however stressed out he is.

Tell him you will miss him and you wish he was coming too but you accept that he will not be going tomorrow. And then tell him you hope he has a good rest and gets his work done, and that you will be phoning every night. And that you expect the house to be clean and tidy when you get home!

It's not unusual for people to want their space, I know loads of couple who regularly have weekends or even weeks apart, but this should be planned well in advance. I think this would be the best option for you in the future.

When you get back, organise some time for just you and your dh, it sounds like you need it.

Thanks. We have planned a couple of days away for when we get back so hopefully that will still go ahead.

I'm happy for him to have his own space, in fact I have said I would take the kids on my own away before but he always ends up coming because he thinks he'll miss them too much.

I'm pretty sure the house will be clean and tidy, he's better at that than me (and it's pretty easy on your own to sort it out!)

I hope you have a good time, and I hope you enjoy your time away with your dh when you get the chance.

Thanks again. I really like your idea of being "nice", I would have just gone off all bolshy and grumpy, and that won't solve anything and will make us all miserable.

Tried nice.

It backfired.

He was angry because I haven't helped him at all this week in the garden and have been out and about doing other stuff.

We have had a huge sort out and basically agreed to try and communicate more and pay each other a bit more attention (we are bottom of each other's priority lists at the moment ).

Now V.V.V. late with packing but better that than going off for a week under a cloud and brooding all week long.

Thanks all.

Leave him at home for you both to just get away from each other and get a chance to miss each other.
You don't want to take an argument on holiday with you.
It'll still be there when you get back or not
Just go and enjoy doing your own thing.

'nother change of plan!!!

I thought it was all sorted last night but DH woke up in a panic and thought I was taking the DC to the UK for good.

We had another sort out and in the end have put off the boat til tomorrow and are all going together.

The family staying with us have gone away thinking DH is the rudest man in the world because he basically sulked and refused to talk to them the whole time they were here.