What would make you leave a long marriage...

[amiafool]

I have posted about this before and keep coming back to it.

I always had doubts about DH before we married. He is a lovely man, very kind, loving, will never let me down, I know that. BUT he doesn't "get inside my head". He is very quiet, has no friends, is a loner, although is very amiable and well-liked/respected at work where he has a senior managerial role.

There is no doubt he loves me, but I am not sure I feel the same back. I deeply care for him, but whenver I hear people talking about their soul mates and how much they love their DPs I feel so jealous, as I know that's not me.

In a nutshell, I don't find him stimulating company. I am a little bit of an egg head and the work I do involves media, so I am a "wordy" person- heis the complete opposite.

He doesn't "do " holidays- any planning or anything along those lines is initiated by me. He asks me "What should we do this weekend?" but never suggests much himself- is very passive.

If I am really honest, I have felt frustrated with him for all our 25 years together. I have stuck it out for my kids who are very academic and I couldn't disrupt their education by leaving. I have also lost my career by only working part time. If we split up, I would lose a huge amount financially, and it would still impact on my kids.

It just doesn't seem right though to stay in a marriage all this time when I am constantly asking myself if I should be here. I have also had 2 long emotional affairs over this time with men who were talkers, and whose own marriages were very unhappy at the same time. They backed off, but I know I was tempted to make it much more..and a way out of what I am in.

Would you stay with a man who loved you, would never let you down, and was very easy tolive with, but at the same time his lack of communication and passivity drove you mad?

Hard to answer as I don't think I would've married someone like this.

Can I ask how old you are and how old your children are?

Can you ask yourself if you want to meet someone else or would be happy being on your own?

So many people think that the 'grass is greener' .... are you able to do the sort of things you like on your own or with friends? ie: do your weekend plans & holidays have to involve your DH or can you spend time (amicably) doing your own thing? My DH and I are poles apart, but we have been married a similar length of time as you and to be honest I am not interested in meeting anyone else so it suits me to stay together -we often holiday apart and have completely separate social lives. It works for us and, selfishly, it is much better for me from a financial position.

we are mid 50s but look and behave much younger, and my DCs are early 20s.

I already do quite a lot on my own anyway.

He is very happy to tag along with anything I plan, and he is even enthusiastic, but he rarely suggests anything and if he does it is one of three places/things to do that he keeps recycling.

When we met, I thought he had much more get up adn go.

We never discuss our life goals, or have any goals as a couple. We are lucky in that we are quite well-off- not mega bucks but £100K between us and money in the bank.

I feel the years passing and he doesn't seem interested in doing much- unless I arrange it all.

I really don't know the answer to do I want anyone else. I think I'd be scared to take the risk. But I don't want to give up sex, or cuddles.

I know I am not happy, in so much as he doesn't fulfil a lot of my needs, but neither can I bear to hurt him or my children.

I keep wondering if everyone's marriages are like this- not 100% but they just accept it- and am I living in some kind of dream world thinking everyone is better off.

What I do get is almost "adoration" from him, and security ( he would never be unfaithful as far as I know) and they count for a lot, but I don't have emotional closeness or a real "connection" which I certainly have felt with other men including the times I almost strayed.

look love, nothing, I repeat nothing is 100%

you get what you give

you seem to have a very idealised, romanticised idea of what a monogamous relationship is

have you asked him what his idea of a longterm monogamous relationship is ?

connection ?

I connect to myself first and foremost...I don't look to another person to "complete" me

I think you are possibly suffering from grass is greener syndrome

and quit the "emotional affairs"

all they serve to do is erode the respect you have for your DH, that you can "fool" him and "cuckold" him in this way

you sound horrible, tbh

if you don't want to stay with him...tell him...then let him find someone who does

oh thanks Af that's really sweet of you. Glad you are so sorted.

Please don't "love" me- I am prob old enough to be your mum.

I doubt that, amiafool

AF- if you only want to be hurtful then please take your comments somewhere else.
I came here asking for help and another perspective.

If the answer was as easy as " if you don't want to stay with him.." then I would know what to do, wouldn't I?

I can only assume that your world is black and white with never a shade of grey. You are lucky if you are not troubled with doubts about anything.

She doesn't sound horrible at all!

It depends what matters to you in your life - for her, a sense of connection is vital and it would be for me, too. Why do you mock such a thing?

I have to say her husband sounds too dull and passive for me to be interested in.

Amiafool, if you have enough money and your children are in their 20s, then why not separate for a while? You say you would lose out financially, but would you have enough for a smaller home? Can you support yourself with your part time work?

I think it sounds pretty "horrible" from her husband's perspective but hey-ho

wait for the head-patting, if that's what you wanted all along

My perspective is that security, love, sex, cuddles, adoration and reliability would go a long way in my book!

Be careful what you wish for - go-getting, aspirational, alpha-type men can sometimes have a massive sense of entitlement; a massive ego to be massaged and will never be satisfied.

And the talkative ones (once they've talked you into bed!) will end up only wanting to talk about themselves...

Believe me - I speak from the other side of the fence!!

oh dear amiafool, I read AF's post and agreed with it.

But I am young enough to be your daughter and you'll probably use that ignore what I say.

i agree with AF.......but in a nicer way,said nicer.....and i wouldnt call you 'love'!!

Have you talked to your DH about all of this and told him exactly how you feel. 25 years is a lot to throw away.

And a husband cannot be expected to fulfil all your needs.

Message deleted

I am from oop North, I call people love all the time

I withdraw the "you" from "you sound horrible" and replace it with "your attitude sounds horrible"

does that make it more palatable ?

perhaps not

< shrugs >

where i come from...north too....its 'Duck','ducky' or 'me duck'!!

I wouldn't stay with a woman who had 2 long emotional affairs. He deserves better. Not surprising that the emotional affairs backed off.

I agree with AF, and Mrs Jellicle makes some really good points you should consider. Alpha types can be very difficult.

Most constructive advice? - it sounds like he doesnt have much self-confidence within the relationship, perhaps you are quite dominant. This is probably why he doesnt suggest different things.
"We never discuss our life goals, or have any goals as a couple" - then discuss it.

Have to say I agree wholeheartedly with AF.

Bluntly, you've spent the last 25 years pretending you loved this poor man for your own financial gain.

If that's not bad enough you've tried to cheat on him at least twice!

That said, you sound incredibly frustrated and unhappy and I do feel for you.
The mistake you're making is to blame your husband for that unhappiness.

I think you need to take some responsibility here and stop looking to your husband to complete you.

If you take steps to create the career, social and creative life you want for yourself, then find that he is actively causing you unhappiness - rather than failing to keep you happy - perhaps that would mean leaving him.

You certainly should not continue to accept his love, trust and the stability he works hard to provide while blaming him for your boredom and casting around for opportunities to cheat.

I do mean this kindly btw. While your OP did make you sound pretty awful, I think you probably just can't see the wood for the trees right now.

I agree with Mrs Jellicle regarding Alpha males. They love to talk but only on their terms and you soon get the hint when you start to bore them - they back off. They however never tire of talking about themselves and their work. And I would gently remind you that you've been taken by the old and tired 'my wife doesn't understand me' twice.

I read this earlier and was going to post something along the lines of AF but decided against it.

Are you contemplating an exit affair? It's great you have such a high estimation of yourself and meeting someone new regardless of age can be exhilarating and a fantastic esteem boost. Sex at any age with a new partner is also great but lust still wains just as it would if you were younger.

However I think your children would be shocked by your behaviour and you would definitely risk their friendship and respect.

Do your children feel the same way about their Dad? I mean do they have intellectual conversations with him or is it only you?

I would explore other avenues that don't revolve around coupledom and see if you can't get intellectual stimulation from these. Do you not have a female friend who you can talk to and do things with? Please think very carefully about leaving and try not to do it via an affair. That's my advice.

Perhaps I have made myself misunderstood

I think OP should leave her husband

For his sake

ok, I think perhaps people are being a bit harsh here. I was married for a similar length of time. I guess the difference was I didn;t have the adoration, the sex and the cuddles. Affection had pretty much died in our relationship. We got on well as housemates and co-parents but anything else was missing. What made me leave my husband? It was the lack of appreciation and affection that did it. I think I could (possibly) even have gone without the lack of sex but the lack of affection absolutely killed anything. Maybe you should look at whether your marriage has actually just run its course and you'd both be better of living separately.
I decided I'd rather be on my own than lonely in a marriage so ended it.
I do worry that maybe your husband is in the same situation I was in though. In which case you owe it to him to end things if you really feel this way.

Thanks for the supportive and constructive comments from a couple of you.

This is going to be my one final post here, as I am afraid that very few of you seem to "get" what I mean.

These days, to have stayed married for 25 years and brought up 2 good kids deserves a medal- any glance at this board shows that couples throw in the towel and break up homes at the drop of a hat.

In my defence, I think I should be given some credit for staying in a relationship for 25 years in order to give my children stability, when I desperately wanted to walk away at times. The men I became close to could have been willing to offer more, but they were "honourable" enough not to ask for more as it was my decision whether to jump ship or not, and I didn't.

To answer some points:

my career is fulfilling enough. When I said I worked part time, I actually work at 3 different part time roles, freelance. I have diversified from my original profession. I am not looking for a man to "plug the gaps" in that area, nor to "complete me in any way. I didn't marry until I was 30, so I had plenty of time to be independent.

I have plenty of friends and do lots of things. Far more than DH who has no friends and does nothing except go to work and come home again. What I yearn for is a close relationship with a man who shares more of my intersts than my DH does, and who communicates when he is around. What is the point in being with someone if you spend all your time with your girl friends or doing things on your own?

And yes, I have talked to him about all of this- many, many times.

We have different needs; I seem to fulfil his, but he doesn't fulfil mine in many ways.

He's a lovely man and he doesn't deserve to be with someone who has doubts about him.

I will continue working through this on my own.

"any glance at this board shows that couples throw in the towel and break up homes at the drop of a hat"

Are we reading the same forum?

Please send him my way if you don't want him any more. He sounds like XH could have been if he hadn't had BPD. And he has an income, that'll be a rare treat.

Amia- not sure if you're going to read this, but anyway, I do get what you mean, even though you are (just)old enough to be my mother

I'd liken your situation to a Blackjack player who's sitting on 17. You don't have a bad hand, but it's not a fantastic one, not a "winning" one. Now you've got to decide whether to twist or stick. The reason I use this metaphor is because stay or go is a one way decision- you cant look at your alternative life, change your mind and say you'll have your old one back, and in your position, I would say that is a massive, massive risk.

Looking at your OP, and putting your relationship aside for one second, it seems like you have a pretty nice life- no financial problems, independent children, interesting work, lots of friends, lots of interests. In terms of happiness, that probably puts you in the Top 10% of the population. Your DH doesnt really make you happy, but at the same time he doesnt actively make you miserable (see relationships section for details of some of those specimens). At worst, he's a neutral factor.

You say you envisage a new relationship with someone you can connect to more, which is understandable, BUT, at 55, these are likely to be a bit thin on the ground (not because of anything bad about you- just based on pure numbers)plus, again, just based on averages, the new people may well come with baggage (blood sucking adult children, debt, ishoos from previous relationships) that might soon offset the benefits of witty banter. Most men are getting a bit introverted and grumpy around that age anyway, so even the talkers could be becoming less so.

So.........basically I'd be sticking on 17.

Better the devil you know.