What would make you leave a long marriage...

[amiafool]

I have posted about this before and keep coming back to it.

I always had doubts about DH before we married. He is a lovely man, very kind, loving, will never let me down, I know that. BUT he doesn't "get inside my head". He is very quiet, has no friends, is a loner, although is very amiable and well-liked/respected at work where he has a senior managerial role.

There is no doubt he loves me, but I am not sure I feel the same back. I deeply care for him, but whenver I hear people talking about their soul mates and how much they love their DPs I feel so jealous, as I know that's not me.

In a nutshell, I don't find him stimulating company. I am a little bit of an egg head and the work I do involves media, so I am a "wordy" person- heis the complete opposite.

He doesn't "do " holidays- any planning or anything along those lines is initiated by me. He asks me "What should we do this weekend?" but never suggests much himself- is very passive.

If I am really honest, I have felt frustrated with him for all our 25 years together. I have stuck it out for my kids who are very academic and I couldn't disrupt their education by leaving. I have also lost my career by only working part time. If we split up, I would lose a huge amount financially, and it would still impact on my kids.

It just doesn't seem right though to stay in a marriage all this time when I am constantly asking myself if I should be here. I have also had 2 long emotional affairs over this time with men who were talkers, and whose own marriages were very unhappy at the same time. They backed off, but I know I was tempted to make it much more..and a way out of what I am in.

Would you stay with a man who loved you, would never let you down, and was very easy tolive with, but at the same time his lack of communication and passivity drove you mad?

Just in case you do continue to read the thread amiafool, it's worth going for couples counselling before making a decision.
You seem to have a close relationship with no intimacy, because of dh's perceived lack of passion.
I don't believe you can change a person, but parts of a personality can be unlocked. Have you tried enabling your dh to find his passion, to give him experiences that will cause him to be amazed with life to the point where he has to communicate? You have the capacity to do this for him, if you can relinquish some control.
You have a fantastic husband, though it could be argued that you were 'driven' to having affairs in order to feel alive. That's behind you. And you may choose to keep this to yourself to avoid hurting your husband more (painfully, he must know he's been rejected on some level) or at some stage you may feel you need to 'come clean' in order to progress/heal the relationship. Now that you can see the end of your children's dependance, it's important that you focus on how you are going to make a life together work - please consider a couples guided retreat and/or counselling.

Does the OP want a medal for her martyrdom?
Her husband sounds a lot like me in many ways ( apart from holidays/planning) - I have no outside interests, no friends, I sometimes have to be chivvied into doing stuff like going out - the difference is that my DH accepts me the way I am, we are very different personalities, he's the life and soul while I'm a loner (quite unsociable really) , but he loves me, that's the defining factor that seems to be missing in the OP's equation.

I'd say it sounds like there's something lacking in the OP, rather than in her husband.

Ooops, meant to say for her benefit, that I've been married for 25 years too.

My mum left my dad for similar reasons....worst mistake she ever made. She went from a life of luxury, good friends, great social life to living in a small house, having to go back to work to make ends meet, and lurching from one disasterous romantic encounter to the next...turns out all the "exciting" men were also complete users and cads. She is now very lonely and obsessed about my dad who is no longer interested in her. He picked himself up, and found a new (younger) woman.....men can do that you know....especially successful men. He has a new lease of life and my mum looks on enviously as he enjoys his new lease of life. He would have stayed with her forever and she realises now that it was down to her as well as him to put the spice back into the relationship....but its too late now.....you sound just like my mum (your post could have been written by her ten years ago)...think very carefully about this and try to sort things out...its not JUST him that's the problem and it takes two people to make things work. PLUS sounds like he actually likes you, and you still have a sex life - it can't all be bad!

I like the Blackjack metaphor BandT it sums it up well. Amiafool you are not alone and you are not horrible.
I am in a very similar position to you and accept that my behaviour has been appalling. Why my DH has not thrown me out I cannot fathom as I have cheated on him, verbally abused him over the years and told him a year ago I dont love him. We have been for individual and couples conselling for nearly a year and throughout it all he maintains he loves me enough to stick at it and try to improve things. I have accepted my abusive behaviour is unacceptable and amended it, cut off all contact with MM and am trying very hard to make things work for his sake and the sake of my teenagers.
BUT material reasons are not enough to stay in a chronically miserable state for the next twenty years. And my DH should have had enough self respect to have thrown me out when he realised how little respect I had for him.
But if he isnt prepared to do that the dilemma is mine. Cause him even more pain by leaving or stay and make up for my awfulness but relinquish my dreams that he doesnt share.
At the end of the day I am trying to behave in a way I won't be ashamed of after waking up from a sleep lasting 25 years to a living nightmare.
You have my sympathy. There is no rush to leave and you owe it to the family to try everything possible before you give up.

Oh gawd, I haven't read all this post because as soon as I see AF getting involved in yet ANOTHER potential marriage break up post I just gave up.

AF where do you get off on this crashing in on every post about confused marriages??? I haven't been on MN for five months or more since getting over some marriage issues of my own. On sad days I like to peruse through the debates to find some inspiration from people going through similar to me - in this case it's amiafool.

But there you are again - is this how you spend all your time? You obviously don't have any empathy for these types of situ's - or the people who are in them. If you're happy in your DH, then great, so go and live your life and be happy, letting us confused people try and work out our issues among good compamy.

Anyway, back to OP. I would say that it isn't necessarily about meeting someone else. Maybe you've just had enough of being married and you'd feel like this about anyone you're with. I'd suggest a break. Your children would shoulder a parental split much better than if they were younger and raising them has obviously been your priority so it's now time for you. I think you should try and remain great friends with your DP and then go and spread your wings, without having a 'meet someone else quick' agenda. Good luck with what you decide. Don't do anything rash.

Oh and you Malificence. You're always on these sorts of post and both you and AF did a gang up act on me last year. Christ. If I were you two I'd be out there enjoying my perfect life and not cruising these forum's looking for vulerable people to try and bring down.

OP is just BORED- she wants something else from life, probably because she is a life and soul type. I totally get what you mean OP. I'm not even been married for 7 years and I'm bored shitless of the tedium of married life. It's not my DH's fault - he's a good DH and a nice bloke - it's the lifestyle that does it. If you're the type that can live off the adoration of a single man then good - you're expectations are in check. Me? I need stuff to keep me going - new stuff, fresh stuff, new horizon's, new people (not men, but friends and peers), new jobs. It's a struggle for people like me - we're not all made the same. I love my family to bits - including my DH, but it doesn't mean to say that I'd not love a paralell life where I can explore other avenues.

If I still feel like this when I'm in my 50s I would consider parting company with my DH; once I had spent my best years keeping us all together, happy and on track. We live so long now, you can expect to get your life back when your children are gone.

Amiafool, I get it, I think, having been in a similar situation myself.

It's not just a selfish 'would I be happier if I left' decision. It's the knowledge that DH, who you are deeply fond of and is your life partner and the father of your children and isn't making you actively miserable, will very likely be somewhere between miserable and destroyed by your departure.

Does your DH know how difficult you find your marriage? does he know about the emotional affairs? does he suspect you nearly left him? or have you done such a good Good Wife job that he has no idea?

I suspect you are vulnerable to an affair. If you did that you would truly betray and destroy a good man and that would be terrible and you might find it hard to live with yourself. Counselling? alone to start with if necessary?

Why can't you take responsibility for your own actions when it comes to relationships? Why do you need an attachment before you leave? Why do you need your husband to throw you out? These are questions you have to ask yourself.

We all know that the reasonable thing to do if you are unhappy is to leave. Your decision and your action. Regardless of the consequences you know you will have made the right decision. Not one based on attachment to someone else (so it becomes as much their responsibility as yours) or waiting for husband to throw you out (so again it becomes a shared responsibility).

Grasp the nettle and go or stay and make the most of it. The big question is in which scenario will you be most happy?

Good luck, and I mean that. I have a very dear friend who will be like you in a few years time. I know she's unhappy in her relationship and has been for many years, she is however riven with indecision. This is what is making her miserable.

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I feel for you, amiafool. I really understand where you are coming from and empathise. You don't sound like a bad person at all.

Oh, and I totally agree with Popzie.

Life isn't black and white, there are all sorts of shades in between...

I know I said I was not going topost again, but I felt I had to say thanks for the posts of support. Thanks

One or two of you Celtic are insinuating things which are utterly untrue- as far as I know I have not said either that I am looking for another man right now, or that I am waiting to be pushed, or that I am avoiding responsibility- far from it, by coming here and baring my soul.

As for not many over 50s on the market that is completely untrue as divorce amongst the over 50s is in fact the biggest group of divorces.

The other point is that when you are older, you can still attract men who are a few years younger, or older.

I am glad that other posters picked up Mal and Any F.

I cannot help wonder what kind of people you two are if you get some kind of buzz out of posting hurtful comments- anonymously of course- on a forum to someone who is asking for help. It is quite possible to have a difference of opinion without being simply vile. I wonder if you'd be so outspoken if this was face to face or not anonymous?

As for having no friends, Mal, well that says everything.

Thank God neither of you is a counsellor!

I am wondering Popz, since you are making this personal, why the only time I see you post these days is to jump on one of mine

And didn't you come back to a previous thread on which you felt "victimised", to say "well, actually, the doubters did have a point after all....." ???

Anyway, I will let you have the last word on this as I am off away for the weekend so won't be back to this thread

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I feel I must respond because I'm not insinuating anything. You mentioned the emotional affairs and others mentioned wanting the husband to kick them out. I was merely responding to the group of women who in mid life/empty nest look at the person they are with and know that it's hopeless. They knew this was going to happen, but put off the inevitable because they kept together for the sake of the children. You asked a question what would make you leave? Well to answer I personally feel that you should leave because you seem unhappy and miserable. And have been for quite some time. Life is for living. Money isn't going to get you happiness and your current partner leaves you unfulfilled.

All I'm saying is please don't wait for an excuse to leave. You may be waiting for some time...

Ah, how convenient, the 'weekend away' get out clause!

AF was kind, to your husband. You say you make him happy but would he be happy if he knew how you felt, what you want, and what your motives are?

You are not bring fair. Are you sure you have not posted to give yourself permission to leave?

Celtic- you did add 2 and 2 =6. It would never be a case of my DH kicking me out- I am a joint owner of the home we have and he might want a divorce, but he could not kick me out, nor I him.
For the record- and this is really my last post and I won't be reading the thread any more...
the emotional affairs were close friendships with 2 men I have known from my past over many years- I didn't go out looking for the contact. I got something from them- communication- which was lacking with my DH. They were close friendships which spilled over into something else for a while. My DH knew I was in contact with them.

And finally, I am not deceivng him- he knows how I feel. He has said that if we do split it has to be sooner rather than later so he ( and I) can re build our lives while we are young enough.

I have had counselling over this and may go back to it. I was interested in others' experiences, but I think it was a mistake to post really, as most comments are very judgemental rather than helpful.

I would just make one final point- those of you who sit at your key boards and make insinuations, or mock, or write hurtful comments from the privacy and anonymity of home..just think how the reader will feel reading them.

amiafool no advice from me but I wanted to say that I totally get what you mean. My situation is similar to ragwort, DH and I live very separate lives. We have been together for 18 years. I have a lot of good friends who provide me with the inspiration and stimulation I don't get from my marriage. Mostly it is okay but sometimes it hits me how much better things could be. Like recently when I was away with a friend and we both phoned our DHs. Mine was a quick call, arrived ok, DD ok etc, while my friend chatted to hers for ages. I was in another roomn so don't know what they were saying but I could tell they were chatting about their days and could hear them laughing. Doesn't sound much but it made my heart wrench and made me think life is too short to be wirth someone I feel so unconnected to.

Having said that, good post Baggednandtagged

Kudos to the OP for raising a topic where where she knew it was likely to attract an almighty scorching. But if you can't be honest on here then where can you be honest? I've found this thread very interesting and enjoy all the differing Points of View.

I'm now 45 and seeing a possible future of myself at 55 in this poster's position - food for thought. I have a couple of friends of around my age in similar situations who are hanging in there for financial reasons. But what happens when you find yourself at 55 with someone who doesn't really get you, and never has, and with whom you don't really have that much intellectual compatibilty. Most people would say move on, but it's so hard sometimes..