Marrying an abusive partner.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Ok I have been posting in Feminism/womens rights about this and one of the lovely ladys over there reconmended posting it here.

I'm sort of posting on behalf of my sil, she is in an abusive relationship, but wont pist on here herself as in her eyes its not 'proper' abuse. So I intend on showing her your responses.

Brief discription of the relationship

My sil is 29

She has been in the relationship for 4 years. She jumped straight from one relationship into this one. She meet him on the internet and move 100's of miles to live with him.

We found out 6 months(roughly) he has hit her a couple of times and is regularly verbally abusive to her on a daily bases.

She works full time to pay the bills and he does not work.

A few month ago it reached a head and she had enough of the abuse and left, and was temparaily staying with a friend my dh and I were going to travel and get her, she told us she quit her job and was all set to move back down. However just before we were leaving she rang and said i'm staying up here. Dh asked if she had got back with the boyfriend and she said no.

It turns out she had got back with him and was back living with him.

Her parents are very pro-marriage and are encouraging her to marry him as that will help 'fix' there relationship. And they keep asking her about when they are going to have babies.

She thinks this guy is her last chance to get married and have a family, a thought that is reinforced by her parents.

I have tried everything to make her see but she has no self confidence and can comprihend that she can not rely on others for her happiness, and that she needs to love herself before anyone else can.

Please her her see that she doesn't have to stay in an abusive relationship and she most definately shopuldn't marry him/have children with him

Did she respond to your emails?

Reality is bloody brilliant. That should be pasted up in every classroom, doctor's surgery & workplace in the country. Back of the toilet doors too, everybody reads those things...

I especially love this bit:

"Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none."

No response yet, if I still have no response later i'm going to get dh to ring her and see how she is.

I agree reality's post is fantastic, I plan to save it and show it to my children when they are bigger, I have also posted a link to it on my fb page so as many people can see it as possible.

Elephants, what a great idea! I think I might print a few out and stick them up on toilet doors

God yeah, I might as well!

Thefinerthingsinlife, I'd do that in a heartbeat too to protect a friend from the hell of being married to a man like that.

Re Reality's point, it's so obvious but a lot of women make that mistake, their new man is only a four on the abusive bastard scale and their last was a 7 so they think he's great. But ime, abusive bastards all start off at a one or two (they can never hide it completely - not for more than 3 weeks) and they all escalate towards ten anyway.

ps, knowing she has supportive family to go to will get her out of there sooner rather than later. I hope.

Tell her to think about her babies - the babies she will undoubtedly have one day. And ask herself if they deserve to be exposed to his behaviour on a daily basis for the rest of her life.

And tell her that finding a non-abusive father for them is her duty as a mother. She has to protect her future children. Starting by leaving this man.

just to update

i've had no response from her by email. Dh has rung her but she has not answered, also not responed to text.

Im hoping she is just bust at work atm

More likely she's read them, but doesn't know what to say.

You are right, she knows you're right, but she's still too paralysed to do anything about it. So what can she say?

Maybe send her a jokey chit-chat mail to keep the line of communication open. You are very good to care about her so much. It must be quite draining.

She's my sil and i love her, its only what any decent human being would do, although like you said it is draining, i wish i had a magic wand to fix it for her.

Thats a good idea about a chithat email

I feel so guilty for what I put my mum through before I actually left. She spent about two years persuading me to leave, telling me I could start again with her, that she'd help us, that there was no reason on earth why we couldn't leave, but I was paralysed. It must have been torture for her. I really wish I'd left sooner for her sake as well as my own.

With the chit chat email, your sil will see that you still see her first and foremost as a friend, that you need her too. It's not just all one way, that she is a problem to be resolved..... (which is the situation.... bykwim)

Thank you Val, you've been so helpful on this, i really cant thank you enough

i have a friend in same situation ,he hits her abuse her she kicks him out then takes him back
tbh its like watching a car crash in slowmotion

we all give her sympathy ask her to look at her motives ,offer support buts its a cycle she cant break uop from,
hes put her in hospital ,frightens her kids u ,steals off her but its still ongoing,

i just listen sympathetically now and so do most of her other friends,,,,i think until he beats the hell out of her kids nothing will change,,,,,,and even then she will still probably forgive him

low self seteem and self loathing just attracts nasty abusive men its so sad