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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marrying an abusive partner.

89 replies

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 14:34

Ok I have been posting in Feminism/womens rights about this and one of the lovely ladys over there reconmended posting it here.

I'm sort of posting on behalf of my sil, she is in an abusive relationship, but wont pist on here herself as in her eyes its not 'proper' abuse. So I intend on showing her your responses.

Brief discription of the relationship

My sil is 29

She has been in the relationship for 4 years. She jumped straight from one relationship into this one. She meet him on the internet and move 100's of miles to live with him.

We found out 6 months(roughly) he has hit her a couple of times and is regularly verbally abusive to her on a daily bases.

She works full time to pay the bills and he does not work.

A few month ago it reached a head and she had enough of the abuse and left, and was temparaily staying with a friend my dh and I were going to travel and get her, she told us she quit her job and was all set to move back down. However just before we were leaving she rang and said i'm staying up here. Dh asked if she had got back with the boyfriend and she said no.

It turns out she had got back with him and was back living with him.

Her parents are very pro-marriage and are encouraging her to marry him as that will help 'fix' there relationship. And they keep asking her about when they are going to have babies.

She thinks this guy is her last chance to get married and have a family, a thought that is reinforced by her parents.

I have tried everything to make her see but she has no self confidence and can comprihend that she can not rely on others for her happiness, and that she needs to love herself before anyone else can.

Please her her see that she doesn't have to stay in an abusive relationship and she most definately shopuldn't marry him/have children with him

OP posts:

Original poster

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 16:21

If i'm really honest I think they see marrying her off to someone they can wash their hands of her, if that makes sense.

My mil is very vocal the sil, was a very difficult child growing up, in her teens they clashed big time and sil moved out as soon as she could.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 16:31

I bet she wasn't all that difficult really - just your MIL makes out she was because she had a bit of independence - and now they want to make sure it is all crushed out of her by a violent bully. Toxicity of the highest order.

Original poster

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 16:40

thumbwitch for some reason thats really rung true.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 16:45

I hope it does for your SIL too then. Anything to stop her getting into such a situation.

Original poster

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 16:46

Ive tried googling signs of toxic parents but i cant seem to find any, is there a mumsnet link somewhere?

OP posts:

QueenofDreams · 28/07/2010 16:50

I'm guessing thumbwitch is right on the money.

My father still says I was 'nothing but trouble' when I was younger. RIght - that's why I'm the only one of his three children with any qualifications. That's why I tried and tried and tried to please him.

The fact is that I had a mind of my own and he didn't like that fact. I started to question. I started to try and get some sense of independence. he didn't like that either - he wanted me firmly under his thumb believing every word that spouted from his mouth. I was NOT difficult or troublesome, but my Dad still says that I was.

THe difference between me and your SIL is that I stopped caring what my Dad thought when it became clear that NOTHING I did would ever be right in his eyes. Seems like your SIL is still trying to please her parents.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2010 16:52

Susan Forward has written a book called "Toxic Parents".

Would also think that the PILs are toxic here. My guess too is that your SIL was not "difficult" at all, this as an excuse is often cited by toxic parents for their actions or lack of.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2010 16:53

www.consistent-parenting-advice.com/toxic-parent.html

thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 16:54

There is a book - AttilatheMeerkat always tells what it is - I think it's called Toxic Parents, actually. I've just googled and there is one by Susan Forward but that's not the name I remember - will check more.

Also, there are the Stately Homes threads which are probably fairly easy to track down.

msboogie · 28/07/2010 16:55

"and now they want to make sure it is all crushed out of her by a violent bully"

that's what I thought too - what other explanation could there be?

thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 16:56

Amazing crossposting there!

ValiumSingleton · 28/07/2010 16:57

Excellent link mumonthenet. I wish I'd read that before I moved in with my x. (now x TG)

Original poster

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 17:00

I can not thank you all enough, I'll be showing dh this thread when he gets home, and we can work out a plan for getting sil to read it

OP posts:

ValiumSingleton · 28/07/2010 17:03

Tell your SIL to prioritise being happy over appearing to be happy.

My parents weren't toxic but they wanted me to marry my x, but I couldn't bring myself to be honest about how bad he was. For a long time, out of shame, I kind of allowed, encouraged even, them to believe that it was six of one and half a dozen of the other because I couldn't tell them that he verbally abused me.

I read mumonthenet's list and he did 4,5 &6 within the first six months. By the end of 8 years it was pretty much everything on the list. And yes it escalated to physical abuse too.

Katisha · 28/07/2010 17:25

Does SIL go to same church as this man?

If so there will be another whole can of worms churning away, to do with alleged church teaching and so forth, notions of duty and sacrifice, etc.

I speak as a Christian, and am always totally depressed when this kind of behaviour is justified in the church. The church is great at controlling people in all sorts of ways, a lot of them Not Good, and your SIL may need to get away from that as well. She needs to understand that christianity is not about all this, and that it is supposed to set people free from crap actually.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/07/2010 17:26

That's grim, thumbwitch, but probably right.

Has your SIL got friends to talk to? Does she socialise away from the man abuser? I was thinking if she joined a socialising christian group she could get out of the house? What about getting her to talk to a friendly vicar (or whatever)?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/07/2010 17:28

I mean, surely any decent vicar would advise someone that christianity is not an excuse for hitting your girlfriend. And would rather stop an abusive marriage rather than risk a divorce in the future?

Katisha · 28/07/2010 17:29

Thing is that the twunt is probably a great pillar of the church - they often are, and everyone in the church, probably including the minister, would not believe that he was an abuser. Such people are good at presenting their best sides when they want to.

Original poster

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 17:35

As far as i'm aware they dont attend a church, i think it's to do with the fact he is very extreme in his 'christian' views and insites(sp?) hate towards 'lesser' christians, other faiths and non-believers.

She has very few of her own friends, most are their friends iyswim

OP posts:

Katisha · 28/07/2010 17:38

So he's above going to church. .

No - classic - he wouldn't want her having her own friends. The one I knew couldn't even cope with the woman's own family and tried his utmost to distance them from her.

He was a "good christian"...

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/07/2010 17:38

Wow he sounds like a real treat. So he's a one-man cult basically? What does she think about his views? How important is the religious side of things to your SIL WRT this man do you think?

thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 17:43

So he's some kind of extremist cult person as well? Is your SIL a Christian or is she just basically going out with a carbon copy of her parents (who may or may not have hit her, who knows, sounds more like your MIL was the toxic influence but it could have been both of them)

Is he a BNP supporter as well?

Original poster

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 17:54

She tells us she likes his views and agrees.

She posted some christian links on her facebook page and I commented on them and basically said you should believe everything you watch, and i was verbally attack by him and his brother. Saying things like i'm a stupid cow, ignorant, a disgrace to this country ect etc. And when I pulled him up on it and held my own she deleted my posts and told me I was being nasty to him!

I think my sil is a christian because she thinks thats what everyone wants her to be.

I really wouldn't be suprised if he supported the BNP.

OP posts:

Katisha · 28/07/2010 17:57

OH lordy when religion gets involved it just makes it all so much more difficult.

Tell her "the truth shall set you free".

Katisha · 28/07/2010 17:59

ANd remind her to look up the fruits of the spirit - off teh top of my head they are things like peace, joy, love, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, self-control etc etc

But getting into using chapter and verse is probably counter-productive so I'll shut up now.

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