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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cruel or just what happens?

31 replies

Whoknowswhat · 28/07/2010 13:28

So I just got this text from hubby.......

Your such a bitch, all I do is run around after you without complaint. Grow the fuck up.

Is this normal or is this the way things are when people loose their rag.

I did piss him off I expect, he phoned me and I just hung up on him, it seems an effort for him to talk to me sometimes, like he can't be bothered. But did I really deserve that back, really?

I am in a high risk 2nd pregnancy, pre-eclampsia before, boderline at the moment with spd, so can't do lots around the house.

When he gets cross I wish he wouldn't call me names all the time it's just horrible, why does he do it?

OP posts:

BollockBrain · 28/07/2010 13:29

Because he is a twat. Or you have seriously pissed him off?

ReasonableDoubt · 28/07/2010 13:30

My DH would never in a million years call me a bitch. Ever.

alarkaspree · 28/07/2010 13:34

If I got that text from DH I would assume that his phone had been stolen. He would never, ever send me a message like that.

Is your husband nice usually?

Elmtree1Ems · 28/07/2010 13:38

Hanging up is not great and tends to infuriate people....BUT...there should be no excuse for him texting you that imo.

I think he owes you one big apology and really for you I would adivse not hanging up on someone 'cause thats really rude and for many like a red rag to a bull.

I would say you were not right to hang up but he was WAY WAY ott to text that to you, particularly when you are unwell and not supposed to be under added stress with the risks of your pregnancy.

Does he call you names like this all the time?

Original poster

Whoknowswhat · 28/07/2010 13:39

No, I don't think I did seriously piss him off as such, just being a bit of a moany wife you know stuck at home, can't really move, I feel like it's a huge effort for him to even talk to me, I said so and just hung up.

I guess I am hormonal and he has to do a lot around the house right now which is probably grating him, me moaning probably does not help.

I just don't think I deserve to be called a bitch whenever he is cross, he seems to think it's just an anger thing and it's ok if he says sorry later.

He is nice usually, really nice infact, it's just when he is hacked off he starts with the insults. It really upsets me which he knows but he still does it.

OP posts:

ReasonableDoubt · 28/07/2010 13:41

It's quite abusive. Does he call other people derogatory names, or does he reserve that language especially for his beloved wife?

Original poster

Whoknowswhat · 28/07/2010 13:56

No he is usually quite a placid guy, really nice and caring most of the time, you know model employee, model mate, model husband.

I just don't get why when stress reaches boiling point as it does with anyone, why I am the sounding board for the insults, it's really depressing.

When all the nice stuff is happening you can't help think at the back of your mind what he really thinks of me ifyswim?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 14:05

does he verbally abuse his mates, his work colleagues and his boss then ?

unacceptable

thesunshinesbrightly · 28/07/2010 15:00

My OH never calls me a bitch and i am one.

starsareshining · 28/07/2010 15:11

My partner has had to put up with a lot more than that from me and I don't think he's ever called me a name like that. However, I've sworn at him or called him a name when I've lost my temper. It doesn't happen very regularly. I don't really mean it and I apologise later. It's awful. I'd expect him to be feeling bad about it, especially given that there was no real reason for his outburst.

lucky1979 · 28/07/2010 15:23

If he has been running around after you, is probably stressed and worried about you and the baby and is genuinely doing his best, then you hang up on him just because you feel he's not talking to you in the right tone of voice...calling someone names is unacceptable but I really can understand him totally losing his temper.

Apologise to each other and make up.

coventgarden · 28/07/2010 15:26

Of course it isn't normal and no decent human being would send a text like that to his wife. Stand up for yourself.

Original poster

Whoknowswhat · 28/07/2010 16:34

But what do I say? He knows he is wrong to call names like that most of the time, yet still does it.

I know I flame the situation at times by being narky.

A bit of background it all started a while several years ago.. he made a fb account a fake one apparantely to find me, it wasn't it was to look up his ex's whilst I was in hospital with major complications in pregnancy last time. I found out only as I did the friend finder thing on fb and his email address come up but with a false name. I then looked up his account and logged in using his standard password so knew it was him. Then looked at his history on a different browser.

He completely denied it, I knew it was him yet he outright denied it and made out like I was some headcase.

I was emotionally/physically vunerable at the time going throught the worst with our 1st child but it was worse knowing he was lying to me and I was made out to be some insane nut job as I had found something he did not have the balls to admit. That's when the name calling and belittiling started.

It did really drive me to dispair, but he finally came clean that it was him and that it was just to find me......well at least I was not nuts and imagining things that was a start. I don't think he is a cheater far from it, he was curious. But why do it behind my back in hospital and why lie then have the cruel reaction of denying it all then finally saying his email must of been hacked before admitting it. Why make me out to be insane?

We started to rebuild things and it took a long, long time. I think he has major issues however with anger and he wont face up to them.

When he gets realLy cross, I am always a fat/stupid/thick fucking bitch. When I get upset I should shut the fuck up. It's horrid. It's like as he done it once it opened the floodgates ifyswim?

But 99% of the time he is so nice and kind and helpful, so I don't understand where this cruelness and anger comes from

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 16:39

yes, those floodgates are open

if you tolerate it, he realises he can carry on doing it (because, of course, he can)

I wouldn't tolerate anyone speaking to me like that, whether it was 100% or 1% of the time

who does he think he is ?

let's not even start on what a poor example you are both setting to your children

I expect he's a good Dad though < sigh >

lizandlulu · 28/07/2010 16:59

whoknowswhat, you sound like you need a great big hug, i hope you get to sort this out, doesnt sound like you need/want/deserve to be on the receiving end of his temper

ReasonableDoubt · 28/07/2010 17:25

It's almost becoming an MN cliche to say this now, but: I would end this relationship. He calls you fat, stupid, thick fucking bitch? That is SERIOUSLY abusive behaviour and there is no justification for it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/07/2010 17:35

Goodness me, please realise this man is abusive. Calling your partner these names even in the heat of the moment is outrageous, but sending you a text like that requires aforethought.

What happened to you about the FB account is called gaslighting. It is a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse. Trying to find you? Oh, what utter bollocks.

I wouldn't let anyone speak to me like this and maintain a relationship with them, least of all the person who's meant to love me the most.

Sorry.

diddl · 28/07/2010 17:39

My husband has never & would never call me a bitch, or use the word fuck.

He loves & respects me.

PeppermintPasty · 28/07/2010 17:43

i'm so sorry, how utterly disgusting of him. my partner and me have some right humdingers-he can be a right thoughtless pillock and i can be vile to him etc but he never ever name calls like that. mind you if he did he'd get a punch in the mouth .

seriously i agree that it's abusive. what would he do if you turned round and told him that this is totally unacceptable and made sure you carried through somehow?

Original poster

Whoknowswhat · 28/07/2010 19:39

If I tell him to stop he just tells me to shut the F up or walks away.

See I know what he does is wrong I know it but he is only like it sometimes.

He came in today as if nothing had even happened, calling me beautiful, his name for me asking how I was, he is cooking dinner for me now, no mention of the text, no apology nothing .

Never heard of gaslighting but it fits, for a long time I was made to think I was crazy due to everything that happened with out first child and my pregnancy. It was there I saw what he did and he just denied it all and made me out to be some nutter, I can't describe how cruel that is.

Anyhow we got over it but the names are still there and an element of control. For example we had a family doo on and I couldn't drive I was on painkillers and a bit drowsy, and we'd had a row, he refused to drive me, I was so looking forward to it and he said he'd go himself but there was no fucking way he'd take me.

That's what I mean he is so cruel like that when he is in a bad mood and doesn't see the issue, yet 99% of the time he gives me the world on a plate.

So what do I say/do?

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 28/07/2010 19:50

well what's wrong with him giving you the extra one percent then? if he's so great (sorry to sound sceptical) this shouldn't be a leap for him. but you know that if he was a great guy this wouldn't be happening in the first place. I think verbal abuse like this is so powerful on the part of the abuser, to keep you in your place etc. If you challenge him on this and he tells you to f right off again, and you want this to stop, then you have to do something-like tell him to fuck right off-out of the house. I would genuinely tell my other half to get gone and not to come back til he'd sorted his shitty attitude.

I suspect you won't do that-I have to say that if my partner said he wouldn't take me to a family do and I couldn't drive I'd bloody well get a taxi. Sorry to be blunt but it is so not acceptable to treat you this way.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 19:51

Accept it

Or tell him you don't accept it, and you want to separate for a while for you to think about how you want your future to be

Short, sharp shock required here I think

it is a cruelty in itself to pretend that nothing has happened after an incident of verbal abuse...designed to make you feel you are over-reacting and the one at fault

look here for what is happening to you

Original poster

Whoknowswhat · 28/07/2010 20:02

Oh shit, it's wrong isn't it, that wiki link just made me feel quite sick.

Now to address the situation, at least I understand it more now, so realise.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 20:38

I feel very bad for you

But you are being controlled and diminished

Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones...but words will never hurt me" were wrong and deluded

because they do hurt

they hurt relationships, they kill love, they damage children's perceptions of what constitues a normal family...think about the lessons they are learning here

it is ok for daddy to swear and call mummy names, because she just takes it like all women should

and all daddy has to do to make things "normal" again is say a few nice words and everyone can pretend it never happened

onelastchance · 28/07/2010 21:04

Whoknows - poor you. he sounds very like my (not so d) h. Particularly the bit about acting like nothing has happened . it makes you almost question if you're right to be upset. h has done it so many times now and yet 99% of the time, he is fine too. he hates me challenging him on anything, blames any problems on my "negativity".

Mine was awful to me in i was pg too had a fe probs at the end and my father died when i was 5 months pg and he showed pretty much no understanding of that

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