Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExP raped me when we were together is it to late?

29 replies

TrappedInThePast · 27/07/2010 20:42

Bit of history. ExP and I were together 3 years, living together for 2. Mostly our relationship was good but at times he hit me and once he raped me. We split up a year ago but this is playing on my mind.

We were lying in bed, not long after we'd got engaged and we were arguing. He lost his temper held one hand over my mouth and one arm round my neck and forced me to have sex with him. He knew I didn't want him too as I was struggling and crying. When he had finished he cried and said sorry, he even said the words 'I raped you' he also said he was ashamed that it was 'the best sex of his life'.

I tried to forget it and life carried on as normal.

He is a very popular, funny, well thought of man who has been in a new relationship for about 9 months - I haven't heard any rumours of him hitting her. I finally kicked him out after he threw food in my face one time.

I am thinking about reporting him but I don't know whether it is to late. Also it will be his word against mine, there is no evidence and my life would be made hell from his family and friends, also as were were naked and in bed at the time I doubt whether anyone would believe I said no.

He freely admits to me what he did, the hitting incuded. He does have a very good side, I realise how odd it sounds for me to say that. I don't want him to hate me - but also know this is part of the conditioning of how I used to live.

There is nothing on record about the violence as I never reported him or went to the hospital. He hit me every 3 months or so, said it was an uncontrollable part of him that he couldn't fight any longer. Also said that it had only ever been me that he had directed it at.

Any advice?

OP posts:
ninah · 27/07/2010 20:45

I'd let it go and focus on yourself now

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 27/07/2010 20:46

It's never to late. It doesn't matter if you were naked or not. If you want to report it then you should, he may do this again to someone else.

Gigantaur · 27/07/2010 20:48

techincally, no. it is not too late.

realistically, yes. The chances of you getting a conviction are almost none existant.

The terrible part is that he clearly got off on the power raping you gave him. he will undoubtedly do it again.

We can only hope that if and when it does happen the poor woman goes straight to the police.

I think you shoudl investigate rape counselling. I had very similar situation with my xp. It was more extreme in that the beating and rapes were daily. I regret never having him charged.

but there is no point beating yourself up about it. You are the only person you are responsible for. you needed to do what was best for you. if that meant you were unable to report then so be it.

Don't allow anyone, including yoruself, make you feel guilty for that

PosieParker · 27/07/2010 20:50

Gigantaur, I completely agree with you. Did you go for counselling?

TheButterflyEffect · 27/07/2010 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sammyuni · 27/07/2010 20:51

Well you should report it even if it does not go to court the police will have it on record and if he gets in similar altercations with future or his current partner police will most likely take much interest since this will be the second report on him.

As for your chances they are very slim unless you have friends or family who have heard him admit what he did i know that both you and your ex know what he did but without any evidence (as its been months since it occurred) it will just be your word against his.

Gigantaur · 27/07/2010 20:54

i have never had any formal counselling but i have spoken about it on here a lot (probably too much and your all bored of hearing about it)

so i think i have talked it out enough for it to not effect me anymore. it is almost as though it all happened to someone else. the old Gigantaur, the one that lived with him. not the one i am now. this new fabulous one

It will get better TITP.

Original poster
TrappedInThePast · 27/07/2010 20:58

Its been almost 2 years I think.

I rang my best mate after the first time he hit me and pushed me down the stairs, I was in shock and crying. She was very shocked too. I rang her after the rape too, she remembers the conversation and keeps telling me to report him.

I think I am just angry and resentful that he is carrying on being mr popular whilst i'm the one struggling with relationships and having nightmares. I'm not sure what my motivation for reporting him is and I don't know what I want the outcome to be. I want him to be scared by the police I think, to know i'm not ashamed and i'm not weak. I want people to see him for what he really is, but as no one will belive me anyway it seems pointless.

Most bizarrely we get along fine. I have seen him around today and we've had a chat, asked how each others familys were etc it would come totally out of the blue to him and I feel guilty even considering it, but \i don't know why.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 27/07/2010 20:59

I have to say I was chilled when you said he'd told you it was the best sex he'd ever had. This is not a man who will stop there.

Luckily he won't do this to you again, but I really think this should be reported when (not if) another of his partners does report him.

I'm really shocked that you left because he threw food in your face but not when he said raping you was the best sex he'd ever had.

scurryfunge · 27/07/2010 20:59

Yes you can report it and be prepared for the fact that they may not be any physical material left that supports your allegation.

It may give you some relief though by telling someone.

Whatever you decide to do it is your choice - get some power back.

ninah · 27/07/2010 21:02

I just think reporting it will cause a lot more stress and unpleasantness for you without achieving anything negative for him iyswim
but you do need to be able to sort things out in your own mind
counselling? rape crisis a good start as they can talk it through with you

Original poster
TrappedInThePast · 27/07/2010 21:03

I don't know why it was the throwing the food in my face that caused me to crack. I think alot of the time when he hit me it was almost as though I was watching it happen to someone else, like it wasn't really me, but with the food it was all over my clothes and I could see it and smell it. I just suddenly shouted 'How dare you, get out' and lost my temper.

I did when i'd calmed down beg him to come back but he would't 'for my own safety' I think he just wanted out, I would've taken him back in all honesty and carried on on the abusive cycle I was in so I guess he did me a favour.

OP posts:
secunda · 27/07/2010 21:05

Is it possible to report but not press charges? A conviction, tbh, will never happen. It was 2 years ago and you have since split up. Not a court in the land etc.

But I agree that he is likely to do it again ((best sex of his life...shudder) and it may make someone else's allegation more likely to succeed if there is something already on file. DOn't know if you can do this though

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 27/07/2010 21:08

I faced the same thing, I decided against any action because his father was dying of caner, and also I couldn't live with the guilt, or him getting off which in my eyes would be like being called a liar. BUT, if you are strong enough to (sorry) take the very high posibility of him getting away with it, reporting it will be a red flag against his name in the future. At the end of the day he broke the law, massively, you should go to the police - it's the right thing to do. {{hugs}}

Gigantaur · 27/07/2010 21:09

please ignore the comment about why you left.

It is very common for the final straw to be something relativly innocuous. it is a very ignorant comment.

I totally understand what you mean by wanting to see him go through some sort of engative effect from his actions. Unfortunately i think he will simply get an even bigger power kick from it as the chances are that the police will interview him, the CPS won'ttake it any further and he will have effectivly gotten away with it.

he will see it as a green light to abuse other women.

Please, try and forget him. just concentrate on you.

PeppermintPasty · 27/07/2010 21:09

me too with the chills at what he said-OMG.

look, the police will still investigate it and interview him and hopefully give him the shock of his bloody life. it is the decision of the Crown Prosecution Service to then decide if there's enough evidence for a prosecution. i know the CPS don't get great press all the time but if they think there's good evidence then that validates you and also takes the decision out of your hands, so to speak. he actually sounds like a dangerous man to me. and what utter bollocks about it only being you that brought this out. don't take that for a second it's controlling rubbish. he'll do it again.

Original poster
TrappedInThePast · 27/07/2010 21:10

I have no idea, and I don't know how I can find out without actually going into the police station and asking.

He was crying when he said it was the best sex of his life, he cried for ages about it begging me to help him, saif he couldn't control the monster within him. I ended up supporting him and putting aside what happened to me - always the same whenever he hit me.

I got used to the crying though, and now think it was just to manipulate me. I still really struggle to see him as a bad guy.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 27/07/2010 21:21

A specially trained officer will arrange to speak to you and interview you about what happened and any antecedants. The officer will also ask for details of who you told at the time or since and any other supporting material (diary at the time? Visit to a GP, for example). The account will take a long time to cover and the interview will be difficult in itself.

Once you have given an account, he will be arrested and interviewed. Then CPS will decide from that point whether there is sufficient to charge.

You will be informed of all the stages and outcomes and should be in regular contact with the same officer who interviewed you where possible.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 27/07/2010 21:21

You can report it, but it will be traumatic and there is very little realistic chance of getting a conviction or even of the case coming to court.

Should you report it? I don't know. Could you call the Rape Crisis helpline (0808 802 9999, 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm)and talk it through with them, or find a Rape Crisis Centre near you? They are used to women approaching them years after the event and they can give you information for you about the procedures of the police and criminal justice system, support you through that process if you do choose to report it, and support you in other ways if you don't.

celticfairy101 · 27/07/2010 21:24

'I still really struggle to see him as a bad guy.'

You don't see him as bad because you're involved. However I don't know you or him from Adam but I can clearly state that, going by what you've reported so far, he is a bad guy. What chills me (well it's all chilling) as a stand out is that he said you were the only one he'd hit.

Now I'm not a psychologist but that speaks volumes to me. I would be very surprised to discover that you were the only one.

Report him.

I hope you get good counselling for this. You deserve to receive the support you so clearly need to move on from this awful time in your life. I second the suggestion to call Rape Crisis. All the best to you.

ninah · 27/07/2010 21:24

I totally agree with gigantaur re outcomes of reporting and everything else she has said on this thread

Natty85 · 27/07/2010 21:29

Hi, I'm new to the site but had an abusive ex who is well thought of, funny nice guy etc.

In fact the few people I did tell about him hitting me, throwing dirty nappies at me, chasing me round the house and stuff did not believe me.
Even after we split and time had passed he came round and attacked my new fella in front of our child which was just awful. I went to the police and he got away with it as it was his word and his Mum's word (who was there!) against mine and I guess they believed her because to look at you really wouldn't think he could do such a thing.

I would definitely go to the police, try texting him about the incident so you have evidence on your phone if he admits it? But if you feel that the repercussions would be too great maybe try talking to a counsellor or therapist?

Personally I would go to my GP and see about counselling. Not the kind where they just nod and repeat what you say but seriously talking to somebody about this. Victims of rape NEED aftercare and to speak out or this may torment you forever.

Just speaking to my doctor and hearing him acknowledge that what my ex did was wrong made me feel a bit better.

I feel so bad this has happened to you

Original poster
TrappedInThePast · 27/07/2010 21:36

There is no evidence, no diary or GPs visits. Also I stayed with him for a year afterwards so I think that would go against me. Although we did go to his GP and he asked for anger management but his GP told us that he had been a friend of exPs family for years and that he wouldn't put anything on record that could effect exP in years to come. His advice was that we were obviously mismatched and I was winding him up. I walked out of the office and exP changed GPs. It was little things like this that made me believe he was trying to change and that it really wasn't his fault.

I don't think there is any way that the police will be able to do anything about it unless he admitted it.

I am scared to report him, scared of the reproccusions and of being seen as a trouble making liar. I want him to suffer, I want him to feel ashamed and embarrassed.

I don't know if I am ready to find out about counselling, I don't think I am ready to lose my comfort of thinking he is ill and a good guy fighting the bad inside him - I find that easier to believe than that he is a bad guy. I don't know if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ninah · 27/07/2010 21:39

the counselling is all about you and how to cope you are spending much too much mental energy thinking about him
do give them a call, you can get over this but professional advice should help you get over it more readily

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 27/07/2010 21:41

I am beyond shocked and angry at that GP -- should be struck off.

Call Rape Crisis and talk to them. It's not full-on counselling but it will give you someone to talk to who really understands what you are going through and all the various issues swirling around in your mind. Counselling can come later.

Swipe left for the next trending thread