So, I am pretty sure my DH has a porn addiction, any tips?

[susie100]

I don't have a problem with porn per se.
However DH has in the past called chatlines which I got really upset about. He promised to stop and did not.
He is a bit daft because I check his phone periodically and it seems to go in phases.

However, this weekend I discovered he had set up a separate email address. I stupidly confronted him about it instead of just having a look myself (he has the same password for EVERYTHING) and he deleted the account. He said he had used it as an email address for these girls on the chat room to send him pictures.
I said ,well let me see so I can be reassured that that is 'all' it is. He refused as he said he was too embarassed.

I really don't know what to do. Our sex life is fine, he is otherwise a generally great DH but thsi really bothers me. He has promised to stop but I am not sure he can to be honest as he knows what is at stake here and still carries on.

After every 'discovery' he is remorseful and weepy and mortified but then it carries on.

I don't think he is meeting anyone or having affairs but I can't reconcile this 'secret' side to him and a life I am not part of.
Any tips? Should I just accept this is what floats his boat?
Its the lying that kills me.

susie i have just posted about this subject and i am sad to say my husband has a prob with porn and 17 years later he stills has, despite many heart to hearts about how i find it unacceptable, it seems to be a habit most men are unable to refrain from once the addiction has set in, i realise that now, sorry i dont have any big words of wisdom for you, but am thinking of you .

Thank you both- Susiedaisy I am sorry to hear this is still going on. Is he looking at porn or using chat lines etc?

I honestly do not have a problem with the porn itself, it is the interactiveness that bothers me! Also the sleasyness of setting up a secret email account!

Shineon, I agree I don't think he has accepted this is a problem, I have googled a couple of websites that seem to suggest he will need proper therapy. Argh

'There is a vast difference between just knocking one out every other night to a bit of 'youporn' and what you describe.'

Exactly and I would not have a problem with that.
I showed him a list from a website last night for porn addicts. He ticked 8 out of the 10 signs you are addicted. I think he was pretty shocked and has said he will go to therapy but I am still not sure he genuinely thinks he has a problem and is just doing it to appease me.

Its just so bizarre and unlike him to keep secrets. Hmmm. Anyway thanks for your help.

He has a secret email address and won't show you the contents? How do you know it's just about porn, then? I wouldn't accept 'too embarrassed'.

Yes good point, I don't know of course and now he has deleted the account but my instincts tell me that is all there is.

I honestly don't think he is having an affair but that is part of why I am so annoyed. He has broken my trust and could have made this a lot easier by just showing me.

Other than therapy I don't see how we can really move on from this.

hello, susie, I am alarmed for you that his "addiction" appears to be escalating...secret email accounts etc

I expect he is also only admitting to what you already know, there is probably more that he has hidden from you

he has a massive sense of entitlement doesn't he ? He carries on with stuff that for many, many women would be a boundary crossed too far (the interactive stuff). He does it even though he knows it bothers you greatly...why should you put up with that ?

as well as "cold turkey", I think this man needs a very cold, sharp shock to help him along his way

what form that sharp shock should take, only you can decide

for me...I would be throwing him out, because if his life continues as normal, what impetus is there for him to realise he has to knock it on the head ?

unless you are happy to have him in your life, slowly blurring one boundary after another...

Hmmm..if he is "weepy and remorseful" every time there is a discovery, but he goes on doing it, then the tears and the remorse are surely about getting caught aren't they?

I certainly don't think you should accept that "this is what floats his boat" but I suspect there is more to this than you know, because he's hiding, deleting and lying. And I'm surprised that you think he is perfectly wonderful in every other way, because men with a porn addiction tend to have very skewed ideas about female sexuality and often don't actually like women very much. Would you say that he is a man who is respectful of women and comfortable with them. Does he see women as equal citizens or do you find him making sexist remarks or betraying sexist views?

I have a political dislike of any porn tbh, but there is a vast difference between occasional use of fairly mainstream porn and interactive use.

Saying he's not going to do it again doesn't solve the problem here at all. He needs to get some help about why he's doing it. I suspect he's heavily into "sticking plaster remedies" that get you off his back for a while, so I hope he follows through with his promise about the counselling.

And have a think about why you don't object to porn per se. I hope you don't think you've got to be cool and pragmatic about it, when in reality you hate it.

Hmmm lots to think about here I agree.

Anyfucker - I agree the escalation is a worry as is my thought of 'what else' there might be going on. I think throwing him out is a step too far, he is a great DH and dad to our two DDs. He seems to be making the right noises but I agree, he has a long way to go. On discovery night he did actually ask me if I would divorce him over it and now I think I should probably have made him sweat a bit more.

WhenwillI - I genuinely don't have a problem with porn if used in moderation etc. I will watch it myself and did so pre-DH so I don't think I have been conditioned by him to accept it IYSWIM. I know the porn debate is hotly contested though so much I may have been conditioned by society in general is another question.
He is absolutely not sexist in any way, we have a very equal relationship and he does his fair share of domestic tasks, I have a successful career which he is very supportive of etc.
I don't think he is comparing me to these gals either so I don't feel overly paranoid that I need to be some nymph like horny woman.

However I do agree, he is remorseful about getting caught and embarassed by it too.
I think he needs help because I know he would not continue to do something that really hurt me in any other area of his life (in fact he is usually quite responsive to feedback)

what is he going to do then, susie ?

ignore what he says...that is obvious to me

he has said many things, all of which he was unable to follow through on

unable ? or unwilling ?

yes, you didn't make him "sweat enough"...what exactly are the consequences here ?

those are the questions I would be asking myself

however, this is coming from someone who has a very low tolerance towards an "addiction" to porn (note the inverted commas)

I think he is disrespecting your feeligs very badly, and that I would be tackling

although, you say he wouldn't push so many boundaries in other areas of your life together, so why this ?

I think there is lots you don't know, I am afraid

I agree actions speak louder and all that.

What do you think is going on that I don't know about. My instincts on this are that nothing else is going on but I am interested in others opinions and experiences.

Also interested in your view on porn addiciton, do you think its a load of bolleux?

I agree with you on the boundaries point, he has never remotely done anything like this before and is usually great at NOT doing stuff I dislike within reason. He is also a pretty open and honest chap generally which is why I find this sneaking about and lying so upsetting.

God, I basically made a huge mistake in not just looking at the email account myself didn't I?

I can snoop about a bit but what is that going to solve really?

susie, I don't know what is going on, of course

but i don't buy that he has disclosed everything to you

why is this little hobby of his (I use the term very loosely...) soooo important to him ?

So important that he lies, lies again and pushes the boundaries further and further ? Tells you what he thinks you want to hear (ie. that he will stop) and then carries on regardless

If my husband was emailing other women and sending/receiving sexual images/chat etc I would divorce him

And no, I don't believe in "porn addiction".

I believe that someone who was so "addicted" to the rush of whatever the fuck he was doing at the expense of my feelings, didn't deserve to be in a relationship with me

Like you said, this isn't a quick wank to YouPorn (I don't have a problem with that personally, if it takes nothing away from my own relationship).

But, for me (my personal opinion), this crosses my line of what is acceptable

And no amount of promises to change, admissions of "addiction", playing on my emotions and crying would change my mind until he stopped contacting other women.

It is quite simple to me.

shiney, bring it on

Put like that it does seem a lot worse doesn't it.

shiney, I guess what it comes down to is this...

whether I believe in porn addiction or not...would I tolerate it ?

no

and don't ask me if I would tolerate an alcohol-addicted husband, because I don't think they are even on the same playing field

this bloke is getting cheap sexual thrills by being in contact with other women...and doesn't appear to give a shit that it upsets his wife

his behaviour is sleazy and not compatible with family life...ergo, he sorts it, or ships out to play his sordid games as a single man

shney, like I said, if this is who he is, he should feel free to pursue his hobby as a single man

and although I am sure this particular bloke doesn't despise his wife (OP says he is a decent bloke)...he doesn't seem to hold her emotional well-being in very high regard at all, does he ?

being lied to and taken for a fool (repeatedly...) = terminal offence in a marriage, IMO

susie, are you ok, love ? This must be very hard to read...

You asked for "tips", I don't think there are any "tips"

Decide what you are prepared to live with...it may be very different to what myself, or shiney might live with. You may be asking for "tips" on how to keep tabs on him, I dunno (although I get the impression you are very unhappy with it, some women would turn a blind eye, I guess "men will be men" and all that shite...)

he isn't a monster, but in my estimation, he is an unfaithful man

if he is truly "addicted"...he certainly needs more consequences if you are not prepared to tolerate this

any addiction counsellor will tell you that such a person needs to really know what they are prepared to lose as a result of their actions

I really, really hope you haven't downplayed any of your reactions in an effort to appear all "cool and progressive, oh yeah, porn is OK, it's liberating and all that claptrap..."

Does he really, truly realise how you feel about him contacting other women ?

Shiny, just for clarity, just because the OP's H treats her well and appears to be non-sexist in his dealings with her does not mean he views women as equal citizens generally. And sorry, there's a dissonance here between a man who supposedly thinks women are equals and yet is quite happy to partake in an industry that exploits them.

I would also challenge any notion that viewing some of the extreme porn available on the net now does not have a corrosive effect on how a man views female sexuality. It seems extremely unlikely to me that this man has progressed from YouPorn to sex chat lines and sharing pictures, in one fell swoop.

Hey, no I am fine and this is exactly what I was after really, how to approach it, and a bit of a reality check.

I don't think I am downplaying it but it is clearly bothering me. More the deceit and lying than the actual act. I mean if he can lie convincingly to me about this then what else can he lie about. Although having said that he has not been that convincing.

I don't think these women are 'real' I think they are basically paid by the chatline to carry on via email etc. I don't see it as unfaithfulness. In a way that makes it better but also just a bit, well, sad really. It is the sort of thing I imagine some sad old lonely bloke doing not a young, attractive, successful man with a nice family.

I think he does realise how upsetting I find it but in his own mind its closer to a youporn session than anything more serious.

I actually feel sorry for him to be honest, its just all a bit sordid and pathetic. But the only way to move on from this is for him to admit its a problem and really mean it, not just to appease me and to be totally honest with me.

I know its not the same but his mother was an alchohic, he knows what damage addiction can do to a family.