So, I am pretty sure my DH has a porn addiction, any tips?

[susie100]

I don't have a problem with porn per se.
However DH has in the past called chatlines which I got really upset about. He promised to stop and did not.
He is a bit daft because I check his phone periodically and it seems to go in phases.

However, this weekend I discovered he had set up a separate email address. I stupidly confronted him about it instead of just having a look myself (he has the same password for EVERYTHING) and he deleted the account. He said he had used it as an email address for these girls on the chat room to send him pictures.
I said ,well let me see so I can be reassured that that is 'all' it is. He refused as he said he was too embarassed.

I really don't know what to do. Our sex life is fine, he is otherwise a generally great DH but thsi really bothers me. He has promised to stop but I am not sure he can to be honest as he knows what is at stake here and still carries on.

After every 'discovery' he is remorseful and weepy and mortified but then it carries on.

I don't think he is meeting anyone or having affairs but I can't reconcile this 'secret' side to him and a life I am not part of.
Any tips? Should I just accept this is what floats his boat?
Its the lying that kills me.

AF - you hit the nail on the head here, this is what bothers me and what is so unlike his usual self.

'being lied to and taken for a fool (repeatedly...) = terminal offence in a marriage, IMO'

WWIFN - if you knew my DH you would agree with him, I honestly don;t think he has any wimmin issues.

'there's a dissonance here between a man who supposedly thinks women are equals and yet is quite happy to partake in an industry that exploits them. ' I am not sure I agree with really but I see what your point is.

susie, I am also not foolish enough to think these "women" are really stunning 22yo's with wet gussets who have the hots for him

you have flagged up something else I hesitated to type, tbh

I hesitated because I thought I had been scathing enough about a man who is still your husband, presumably still someone you love

but I would really, really lose all respect for a bloke who repeatedly got cheap sexual thrills in this way, and seemed unable (or unwilling...) to stop, even to save my relationship

it's just so fucking pathetic isn't it ? It demonstrates to me, the sexual/emotional equivalent of a boy in the candy store...

I could not stay with a man like that, sorry

From the research I have done on the web and who knows if its valid, it estimates 20% of men and 13% of women use porn in an unhealthy way so I don't think its just men and I don;t think it necessarily betrays a lack of respect for women necessarilly.

Ignoring your DW's distress on the other hand......

It is pathetic, I agree. And a bit sad.

susie...he has taken a step further than "just" porn, though, hasn't he

and from what you have said, is continuing to downplay your distress about it

agreeing to counselling (to shut you up) is not the same as accepting you have a problem and is actually designed to make you feel that you are the one with the problem

I agree he has to accept this as a genuine problem and I think he is getting there.

To me though its not a serious enough 'offence' to end my marriage over and break up a family. I do think he has a problem and am prepared to help him through it.

If he continues though, well then, that says he is not serious about sorting this out.

will stop badgering you, susie

you have to get through this is in your own way

I hope you get more replies from some, err, less-judgmental ladies

No, I appreciate your input, it is why I posted.

good luck x

Shiny - happy to answer your question. The majority of porn viewed by men and women does not feature a succession of young men humanly trafficked into the industry or depicted as objects of violence or rape committed by females. The porn industry is run by mainly men who profit from the exploitation of women - and sad punters of both genders.

Porn addicts tend not to be addicted to "soft porn" either. By the time it's an addiction, it's gone way beyond titillation and has usually evolved into violent images and films - and interacting with others, as per the OP's H.

So yes, if women have an addiction to anything involving other women being hurt in this way, then I would say they don't like women very much. If a woman is also addicted to seeing men being beaten and flogged or raped, then I would hazard a guess they don't like men very much. In conclusion, I don't have any time for porn addicts of either sex.

What I do think has happened though in the last 20 years, is that women have become conditioned to be "cool" about porn and to somehow equate a dislike of it with a dislike of sex. Lots of women under 40 on here for example, seem to think that to dislike porn is to be prudish about sex or to have hang-ups about it, which is so wide of the mark as to be laughable.

And yet those same women wouldn't dream of watching a man being raped or having his hair pulled so that his scalp bleeds, as a means of getting a sexual release. Yet they are willing to tolerate their menfolk watching this stuff online, where all of that violence (real or depicted) happens to females.

I agree with AF as regards the OP's partner though - he is doing something that you dislike and which causes you pain. That has got to stop, but so has his desire to do this stuff.

Any porn involving violence though is just grim. I think there is a lot in between soft porn and someone being raped isn't there?
But maybe I am being incredibly naive I dunno.

What sort of porn do you think your H has been accessing then susie? My response was to Shiny's question about what I thought about women who access hardcore porn. What was hardcore in 1990 is now more like "soft porn". I assumed she meant what is regarded as hardcore now, in 2010.

I'd be somewhat sceptical that your H had moved onto interacting with women and getting them to send him pictures, if he'd only been reading a bit of soft porn every now and then.

WWIFN I don't think he is accessing violent porn tbh. I am pretty sure its 'hardcore' because as you say I don't actually think that there is much 'soft' out there.

I totally agree with you regarding the escalation and the interaction but I don't think he is into anything violent.

I don't know for sure of course!

We had a bit of a breakthrough last night, we are off to Relate (to see a dedicated sex therapist). We shall see how that goes.
Thanks for all your perspectives.

"What I do think has happened though in the last 20 years, is that women have become conditioned to be "cool" about porn and to somehow equate a dislike of it with a dislike of sex. Lots of women under 40 on here for example, seem to think that to dislike porn is to be prudish about sex or to have hang-ups about it, which is so wide of the mark as to be laughable."

whenwillifeelnormal, that is an excellent point you made there,
when did it become the norm for alot of women to have to laugh off their men havin "lads mags" and going to strip clubs on a stag do, or viewing porn at home when ever the kids are in bed and shes at work,i find it all disrespectful to be honest, now if a couple want to include porn into a loving relationship to spice things up and they are both consenting and enjoy it together than in my opinion thats great.i am hazarding a guess here but i think the majority of the porn industry is aimed at men for men to use , not for couples to use enhance a loving relationship,
but it seems i have led rather a sheltered life compared to some!