sick and lonely

[BaggyAgy]

Hi, Thanks to all your kind support on MN, I separated from my philandering DH. I no longer have to live with his flirting with other women. I am now in our holiday home and we pretend it is not permanent. I have had successfully been treated for cancer, but have a very invasive test tomorrow as the signs of recurrence are ominous. Now that I have no partner I am scared and have no one, not even my less than ideal DH with which to share my fear. I miss his kindness. Crying.

Hugs. Look after yourself, and I hope that your tests prove negative.

More hugs and best wishes.

Best of luck for tomorrow, fingers crossed that things will get brighter for you xx

Hugs and warm thoughts.

Fingers crossed for you.

Oh thats so hard for you lots of hugs and positive vibes

Big huggles BA ,Thinking of you xxxxxxx

If he is kind, then he can be kind and supportive on the phone to you. Is he in touch and being supportive? I jolly well hope so.

You have a hundred or more warm supporters here on MN my love. You must be very scared, but not knowing the results might be more frightening than actually knowing.

You have been so brave. Do you have family or close friend going with you tomorrow? You have to do this - as you know - please tell us what happens. The medical staff will be very wise and kind.

A philandering DH is not someone you need to hold your hand physically through this probably, though it may feel like it. Think positive thoughts and in between those, allow yourself to be scared.

We are holding your hand.

Wishing you all the strength and boldness in the world.

Thinking of you.xx

Thinking of you and hoping that the test reults will be good. x

My heart goes out to you. Positive thoughts for tomorrow x

Giving you my support and I echo everything amazon wrote.

Hi,
Thanks for all those kind wishes. I am very scared now. My friends here are either away on holiday or at work. I had told my DH, but I think he has forgotten. He will say the right thing if I phone him. Looking again at the hospital letter, it seems I may have to stay in. What will I do with my dog? I am not sure of the language. It is quite scary to be in a foreign hospital. I don't have an in depth medical vocabulary even in English. Beginning to panic.

where are you?

this sounds awful - are you in a foreign country on your own?

is there no one from home who could fly out to be with you, look after your dog and such?

I would ring your DH again. Let him know how worried you are. He can still comfort you. Please do this. I'm sure it will be fine. Can a neighbour look after the dog?

Hi, Yes I am overseas alone, renovating our holiday home. If I say where it may identify me. I don't want to be identified as I have been very open about my marriage and my past on MN, which has helped me a lot.
I will speak to my neighbour about my dog. He will get upset and bark and disturb the whole neighbourhood if left alone for long. I will ring my DH. He is not at all unfeeling or uncaring really.

You're right Msboogie, if the results are bad, I will ask my family for some support, or even come back to UK.

perhaps your neighbour could help you with the letter from the hospital also?

In your shoes I would ring exH and bloody tell him - I don't know your back story but if you still get along ok then you should take his support and and ask for help anywhere you can. He owes you.

You shouldn't be on your own with this worry.

I really hope the news is good and your cancer has not come back but if it has you should maybe come home.

Let us knwo how you get on?

Well I'm in Greece and speak greek. So if you are here i could help..

Hi,
My Neighbour agreed to have my dog but even his wife who is a nurse was unsure what the hospital letter meant. When I went to the hospital I was told that I should have arrived that morning and spent the whole day having tests, and that the precise time for the appointment was a mistake. I will have to go back next month. Felt relieved. At least I can arrange some support in time.

Whenever there is a crisis it seems to provoke my DH to have an emotional affair. My exP used to turn to alcohol in crisis situations. We had one child with serious health issues. Whenever she was hospitalised, her father would be no support as he would be very very drunk and self pitying, (almost poor-me, I have a sick child). My DH turns to women to divert himself. I have therefore tended to shoulder all crises by my self. For example When I was first diagnosed with cancer and undergoing radiotherapy, he had a huge emotional affair. I am nervous of causing another. I notice that he has erased various women's contact details from his address list and appears to be blocking e-mails from the latest very persistent woman.

What do you think? Help please.

Oh, Aggy, you can't "cause" your H to act like a twat - he does that all by himself (with tedious regularity!) If he's good at making the right noises and helping with practical stuff then ring him! You are in need just now, so ASK for what you need.

If he can't supply the right comfort & assistance, then ask other people. In fact, ask everybody anyhow; the more support you line up for yourself, the better able to cope you'll be

What a nuisance the hospital letter turned out to be wrong! On the other hand, as you say, it gives you an extra month to sort thing out & prepare yourself mentally. How are you feeling, health-wise? I hope your garden rewarded all your Spring efforts! How's it looking?

Aggy I think you need to decide whether you are still in a relationship with him or not. I kind of understood your OP to mean that you weren't any longer together. Has this not been articulated between you?

I'm not suggesting that you need to discuss splitting up formally or anything. What I think you need to do, for your own health and wellbeing, is to stop wanting what you can't have from him (emotional fidelity or whatever) but grab with both hands any support that he can give you.

Accept in your own mind that he is no longer your husband in the proper sense but lean on him for whatever use he can be to you. Don't concern yourself with his interactions with his latest women - this is all a meaningless dance to divert him from himself; you have much more important things to concern yourself with - getting over this latest health scare being the main one at the moment.

Does any of that make sense?

Hi,

Msboogie you are of course right. It is difficult to give up on him completely. When he is nice, he is very very nice, and when he is not.... We also have quite a history together and shared interests. He is little or no support in a crisis though. He is more of a little boy then. He hates any confrontation or honety, so we never discuss anything. Besides, he is seldom truthful or consistent. `The more I pull away from him, the closer he seems to want to come. He doesn't seem to want to lose me completely. I did suggest, in temper, that he go and live with his latest woman, and that we divorce, which suggestion appeared to appall him. Maybe it was the potential financial loss to him, goodness knows.

Yes Grace my garden is lovely, if a bit wild. My friends will be back from holiday soon which will be great. I have asked my DH not to come here for my next appointment, but will maintain telephone contact with him.

I am interested to understand why my DH has repeated emotional affairs. Unfaithful men have been my pattern. Knowing why they behave like they do, might help me move on. I have learned so much from MN, which helps me. I was in danger of blaming myself.

Strangely, I feel okay and am enjoying the sunshine and the local wine!

are these affairs of his never consummated and if not why not?

I guess the answer to his unfaithful episodes is that they fulfil some need in him - the happiness or excitement or whatever that that initial stage of a relationship brings without any of the burden of the reality that comes with later stages.

I think that people who have repeated affairs are often looking to repeat that "honeymoon" phase that you get at the start of relationship. They don't understand that what comes after that initial 18 months/2yrs is also love. They hanker after the chemical buzz of a new relationship all the time.

I think you answered the question yourself in saying that he is a boy- man at heart.

Are you different to these other women in some way that made him want to marry you? what do you provide? were you something of a mother figure?

BaggyAggy...I am confused

Are you still in your marriage or not ?

If you are not, as harsh as it sounds, why are you still worried a "crisis" will make your husband have an affair ?

I see that you are desperate to understand his past behaviour (and how it relates to you...although I feel his issues are not actually about you, they are about him). What I don't get is how his potentially present philandering is such a worry to you, still.....

Have I got it wrong ?

Oh, all the best wishes for your good health, love x

Hi,
I am confused too. We live in different countries, pretend that it is temporary, he used to visit occasionally but now it is much more frequently. He supports me financially as I do not/ would find it difficult given my health, work.

Msboogie, I think you have hit some of the nails on the head. No, I refuse to be a Mother figure, but unlike most people, I see through the mask he wears and haven't rejected him when I see the true him. You may be right. In the initial stages of his flirtations, the women appear not to see that he is wearing a mask. He finds it almost impossible to be himself. He may not know who that is. Initially women are taken in by him as he is very good at flirtation. He cannot always keep it up. Some, of course, don't care either way and want him anyway. Does that make sense. He admits to flirtations but robustly denies physical affairs. From what I have read in his e-mails and seen in his behaviour, he tells the women nothing about himself ( he is very protective about his identity/character) but flatters them, concentrates on their interests, makes them laugh and shows great interest in them. I imagine some of them never knew he was married. He does e-mail one former femail colleague about what he is doing and where he has visited. I suspect that he tells these women nothing about his marriage or family. Does this constitute emotional affairs or is it just flirtation? To be an emotion affair, is it necessary that the parties share information about themselves?

AF - sadly, I don't want the latest OW to have him, full stop. I am angry that she has tried to poach him, and don't want her to have the satisfaction of taking him from me, whilst pretending to be my friend too. I cannot yet detach that much.

Sorry if this in incoherent. It's not easy to give up on someone who is supposed to be important.

it is very incoherent, tbh

and really not much development here really from your last round of navel-gazing about this man

and on that note, I bow out, wish you well and will let others take over (like I did on your several other threads about how you let this one man fuck with your head so much)

good luck x