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Original poster

how do i accept he will hate our baby?

39 replies

splashy · 26/07/2010 20:56

I am 7 months pregnant with soon to be ex-husband's baby. Relationship broke down because he wasn't happy about me not aborting this baby.

While we are separated at the moment, I still hoped that he would love this child as something which is separate from me. I understand he hates me, but I thought/hoped he could at least learn to love his own baby.

Just had a phone call from him saying how he hates me and the baby and still wishes I had aborted this child. I am really upset and just don't know how he could say that about what is now a baby, after all if I were to go into early labour now, the baby is completely viable.

I know he found the pregnancy hard to accept to begin with, but he has known for 6 months now, and I can't help but feel he won't change. All that time I have been waiting for him to show any affection/care towards this baby and have had nothing, not even while we were together. He refused to look at any baby items and wouldn't feel the baby kick. Didn't even come to the ultrasound.

Now I wonder what should I do. I'm not sure whether my child would be better off with no father at all? I just don't know whether he will change at all when she does arrive, and surely it's better to not know your father, rather than know one who despises your existence?

Please help, I feel so desperate with this situation. I never saw myself being a single mum, let alone having a baby whose father seems to hate her.

OP posts:
Aitch · 26/07/2010 20:57

he sounds like a really nasty piece of work, are you sure your child wouldn't be better off out of his orbit?

thisisyesterday · 26/07/2010 20:59

he isn't going to change

he didn't want a baby, he still doesn't and nothing you can do will make him

i would try and forget about him, and move on with your new baby and make a life without him in it

SassySusan · 26/07/2010 21:00

Message deleted

AddictedtoCrunchies · 26/07/2010 21:00

I think you'll be better off on your own my lovely. Have you got family and friends around you? What about an NCT class or something similar.?

You need to focus on you and your baby and make sure you're doing everything you can to look after yourself physically and emotionally.

Even if he does have a miraculous turnaround, how can you ever trust him again after he's been such a twat through your pregnancy?

Rafwife · 26/07/2010 21:01

Yes she will be better off without him in her life.

What a nasty shit.

SassySusan · 26/07/2010 21:03

Message deleted

Original poster
splashy · 26/07/2010 21:09

i have checked with the csa calculator what i am entitled too. he has made it clear i will get the bare minimum, but at least i know i am entitled to that for our daughter, and he is in the civil service so shouldn't be hard to trace by the csa if he refuses to pay.

and no I don't know if she would be better off without him. Don't know whether I should give him a chance or not, seeing as I can't really see him changing.

Also really hurts me that he upsets me like this when I'm pregnant and that has an affect on the baby. Still do love him though, which I know is pathetic.

OP posts:
Aitch · 26/07/2010 21:15

och well, the heart is a complicated thing and all that... don't be hard on yourself for being human.

nagoo · 26/07/2010 21:15

I'm so for you OP.

You won't know how he will be when your baby is here.

All you can do is concentrate on yourself and your baby, and take each day at a time. I don't know how you stop yourself from loving someone who is clearly such a twunt (to borrow a phrase, but shit wasn't strong enough) but I'm sure that there is someone here who can tell you.

Over40 · 26/07/2010 21:19

My exH refused to be actively involved when I was pregnant. He never came to scans, nor ask how I was. His mantra was "she is pregnant, not ill." He even went away on business to New Zealand for 3 weeks right at the end of the pregnancy and in fact only got back a week before my due date. I kept ploughing onwards (working until 10 days before I was due) and not really facing this quite active rejection of what was happening. I clung onto the idea that he would change when she was born.

He didn't... and we stumbled on for another 2 years in hell before he walked out for another women (with whom he promtly had a child . I learnt you can't force love, even for a child. She/he WILL be fine as you will be but sometimes we have to accept that we can't make people do the right thing

Please take care of yourself and your baby. My DD is the best thing that ever happened to me and I would go through it all again just to have her... I bet you will feel the same.

minipie · 26/07/2010 21:24

How sad. I would say, assume that he is not going to be interested and get on with life with your daughter.

If, some time in the future, he expresses an interest in getting to know his DD, then maybe. But don't try to force it - an unwilling and resentful father must be worse than no father.

NonnoMum · 26/07/2010 21:27

Poor you. Please try to block him out of your mind.

Please focus on yourself and that tiny innocent baby, who will bring you more joy than you could ever imagine.

Have you got good friends nearby who you can chat to over all the exciting things that are happening?

And there'll be tough times, but that baby is so lucky to have you for a mum - you've given up on a loser man because you know the baby is the one who really matters... And when you start getting those gummy smiles - you'll probably feel sorry for your exP that he hasn't wanted to share in the lovely new baby.

Enjoy your baby. Good luck.

Kathyjelly · 26/07/2010 21:39

Your ex-H sounds very immature. I'm so cross for you. I doubt he will ever forgive you (he's a twat and his ego won't let him admit he was wrong) but he may, in time, come to want a relationship with his child.

I think the only way to go is to plan for you and your DC to be a separate entity from your DH. You need to remain on civil terms if possible to make dealing on a financial level more tolerable and so that the door remains open for a relationship to exist if he ever grows up.

Congratulations. You're going to have a fab time with the new baby.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/07/2010 21:53

Well, you have to accept that he's not interested and doesn't want to know, because nothing you can do will change his mind. Trying to make him be the husband/father you want will only wear you out and upset you.
Write him a letter telling him that he will be hearing from you when the baby is born WRT maintenance but up until then you will not be contacting him and do not want to hear from him, either. He shouldn't be harassing you with unpleasant bullying phone calls, but nor should you be phoning him trying to plead your case again. He knows how you feel and what you want, but he doesn't want to give it to you.

colditz · 26/07/2010 21:57

Soon, you are going to have a baby, and you will know TRUE love.

pinemartina · 26/07/2010 21:58

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

While I was pregnant with my now 4 month old dd,my x ,having professed delight initially,left us for the first time when I refused an amniocentesis.Since I was ,at that stage ,still blind to his crapness,he returned;then left again ,returned for the birth,and has not reappeared since.

He was a verbally aggressive bully.MN enlightened me and I am still struggling to get over him.

But I wish I had not wasted any of my pregnancy on him.

Everything is so much more intense during pregnancy - it was for me,anyhow.

I now find myself hoping he keeps his distance from dd.He hasn't made a move - yet.

I ,and her sisters and brother, will do all we can for her - including telling her that we loved her daddy once,and that he was often lovely.(grit teeth and swallow bitter additional details/truth)

Not sure how we'll explain the hows and whys if he never wants to see her,but we'll work something out.

Focus on you and your baby .You CAN do this without him and his nastiness.What a bTD.

I will be thinking of you.

poshsinglemum · 26/07/2010 21:59

If you can muster it I would tell him to fuck right off. Not easy I know when you are in love and want to be a ''proper family''.

My dds dad was similar. Of course now apparently he loves her but thankfully he's apparently stuck abroad and can't get back. Like me you will hopefully be glad to see the back of him once you have grieved your relationhsip.

Concentrate on your wonderful child. Get really into creating a seperate home.

kalo12 · 26/07/2010 22:02

you don't need him in your life or your baby's. i know plenty of mothers who wish the fathers weren't involved as they don't want to leave their precious children with them.

you will be a great mum, and when the time is right, meet someone else fabulous to be a family with

get this toxic attitude from him out of your mind

Mouseface · 26/07/2010 22:04

"and no I don't know if she would be better off without him. Don't know whether I should give him a chance or not, seeing as I can't really see him changing".

splashy

You have just answered your own question with regards to what to do.

Can I make a suggestion? Move forward with your life. With your unborn daughter. Plan for her arrival and rely on those around you who do want to be with you both for some support.

If he is interested once she is born, cross that bridge when you come to it.

For now, you have less than 2 months left until you meet your daughter. Try to focus on the here and now so to speak.

Please don't try to force him into wanting this. He never has and may never.

You will do just fine without him. Of course you still love him. There is no cure for that.

PeppermintPasty · 26/07/2010 22:18

hello Splashy, can i just ask-you say about why the relationship broke down...was that the sole reason? i mean, his reaction was so extreme that it broke your relationship? or was there more to it do you think? was it that he didn't ever want children, i wasn't clear, sorry to be thick.

valiumSingleton · 26/07/2010 22:34

Asshole. Tell him that it's no longer him who doesn't want to be a part of your lives, it's YOU that doesn't want him.

He sounds like a total shit. Obviously men do abandon their pregnant girl friends or wives, but to be so cruel about it is totally unforgivable. His cruelty to you when you were so vulnerable is something that you should never over look.

valiumSingleton · 26/07/2010 22:38

I know it's probably too soon for you to nod when you are reading this thread, but just take heart purely from the NUMBER of mothers who are definitely happier on their own. We can't all be wrong

BarmyArmy · 26/07/2010 22:52

He doesn't hate the baby - he hates you...and himself.

MCDL · 26/07/2010 23:31

This is his baby and will always be, he is soon to be a daddy, give him time. All of this is his reaction to something bad ...

celticfairy101 · 27/07/2010 00:25

He hates the fact that his sperm actually did connect with an egg and make a baby.

He hates that he has responsibility in his life - he can run away from this as MCDL so rightly points out.

He hates that he will have to part with money.

He doesn't hate you.

However you are better on your own and enjoy the joy of having a new baby. Good luck with the birth and I hope you have good RL support around you. He may come around to co parenting in which case you can both be free to persue good relationships.

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