how do i accept he will hate our baby?

[splashy]

I am 7 months pregnant with soon to be ex-husband's baby. Relationship broke down because he wasn't happy about me not aborting this baby.

While we are separated at the moment, I still hoped that he would love this child as something which is separate from me. I understand he hates me, but I thought/hoped he could at least learn to love his own baby.

Just had a phone call from him saying how he hates me and the baby and still wishes I had aborted this child. I am really upset and just don't know how he could say that about what is now a baby, after all if I were to go into early labour now, the baby is completely viable.

I know he found the pregnancy hard to accept to begin with, but he has known for 6 months now, and I can't help but feel he won't change. All that time I have been waiting for him to show any affection/care towards this baby and have had nothing, not even while we were together. He refused to look at any baby items and wouldn't feel the baby kick. Didn't even come to the ultrasound.

Now I wonder what should I do. I'm not sure whether my child would be better off with no father at all? I just don't know whether he will change at all when she does arrive, and surely it's better to not know your father, rather than know one who despises your existence?

Please help, I feel so desperate with this situation. I never saw myself being a single mum, let alone having a baby whose father seems to hate her.

OMG I've just re read and he's your husband? What did he want from marriage? What age is he? 13?

Hi Splashy,

I agree with every poster here, you are much better off on your own. I know you said you still love him, but once your daughter is born you will know what love is so to speak, and hopefully you will be so focussed on her that all the despicable things he has said and done will be insignificant and will give you the strength to kick him out of both your lives for good.

Good luck for the future and you can do it, just read some of the other threads to see really strong, positive wonderful single mums.

so he hates you - his choice. dont speak to him. cut him out of your life.

make friends with other mums to be locally (NCT groups, NHS classes, mumsnet...) and plan practically for birth and financially. check out local surestart centres/baby feeding cafes etcetc.

plan a birth partner (sister? friend?)

when baby is born you let him know. then see if he decides to make contact or not. cross that bridge later. his loss not yours, not your daughter's.

you are not repsonsible for his feelings and how he feels and no you cannot change him.
so dont try to.

in answer to questions yes things did breakdown because he tried to force to have an abortion and i wouldn't. he's angry i didn't do as he wanted.

we had talked about children but had planned not to have them until we were both settled in our careers (I'm still a student). this baby obviously wasn't planned, but she is very much loved (at least by me).

i have enrolled for nct classes and hope to make friends with local mums there.

i told him if he hates this baby he doesn't have to have anything to do with her, but he says he will still be taking paternity leave and wanting access. i feel like she is just a possession to him and doubt he will make much effort to support us while taking time off work.

i do have support from friends/family, i just hoped that my baby's father would love her. i guess all i can do now is wait and see.

Sorry have I missed something taking paternity leave and wanting access

Splashy as most people have said cut him off totally, imagine yourself a year ago hearing your story happening to a friend -what would you have said ?

When your DD arrives you will be glad you didnt abort her and busy with her which will help you to forget your h and before long you wont be in love with him either.

So glad you have rl life support make sure you use it

Good Luck

he only told me he wanted to take paternity leave and wanted access after telling me he still hates me for not having an abortion and still hates the baby. i just don't understand how the two go together? how can you want to be a father to a baby you hate?

I don't know if he is saying that to hurt me, because i do find contact with him at the moment upsetting because is still love him, and he isn't nice to me. though of course i would do what is right for my daughter and not stop him having access if he was prepared to be a loving father.

am just so confused by him right now

As long as baby has you, I am sure they will be fine. His loss, the dick.

splashy, it doesn't have to make sense.

I was dumped when I didn't have an abortion, XP said he hated me, has never said he loves or wants his DS (in fact said I'd ruined his life when I didn't have a termination), but he also makes a big deal about his rights to access (albeit his visits are very rare).

It's like DS is a possession, and he does the bare minimum so he doesn't look bad in front of his friends and family.

oh you poor love I really feel for you.

been there know exactly how u feel,,,went ahead and brought my baby up on my own,,,he was my world.his dad saw him once in all those years,,,years that were hard but good

he is now a strapping 6 footer of 20 with a fab job and independence,

you look after you and the baby.
all i can do is say hugs but you will getthru it,,

some men cannot cope with it at all ,,its his loss,

hugs xx

I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire, kick him out on his arse. Twat.

I would cut all contact with him now for your own sanity ans for the good of your unborn child. He sounds utterly poisonous.

There is no such thing as a normal family. My FIL is a teacher of many years with a degree in psychology and a masters in education and, TBH, he's always right. What he says about this kind of situation (in his experience) is that children don't need a-mum-and-a-dad. They need parenting and love. Doesn't matter if that's from a single mum, a single dad, gay couple, whatever. Don't consider about "depriving DC of a father" or "trying to find a father figure". I'm sure you will have male friends and relatives whom your child can relate to as a positive male role model. You are enough for your baby. I wish you all the best and think you are being so brave and strong. And yes, find some other mums-to-be to socialise with.

thank you for all the messages of support

yes i do realise that lots of single parents do great jobs of bringing up children on their own, i just never saw myself in that position. i know i could give my baby all she needed, but it will be a struggle. i still have 2 more years of education before i will go into my career (thankfully I will have a stable and well-paid job then) but until then it will be a really big struggle both financially and practically.

i havent told most of my friends all about what is going on because im ashamed. pretty pathetic huh? feel like i would be judged for being a single mum before my baby is even here.

im look very young so do feel like people judge me because of that and being obviously pregnant, but i will be working to provide a good future for my baby as soon as i finish studying.

will have support from both my parents and FIL thankfully, as long as soon to be ex husband doesn't poison him against me.

you really, profoundly and truly, have NOTHING to be ashamed of here. all the very best to you and your child.