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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am shaking with anger onDS1's behalf

45 replies

bananalover · 25/07/2010 22:29

DS1 has just finished playing a golf game on the Wii.
He actually did really well with me and DH watching.
Afterwards I said 'It won't be long before your dad is taking you to his golk club to get some lessons and play'. His dad turned round and said 'Huh...I'm not taking HIM until he stops his mental behaviour'.
I admit DS1 has issues, ED physch thinks apergers or tourettes...but I felt like DH had just smacked DS1 in the face.
Everytime he plays golf, he comes home 'bragging ' about how good other kids DS's age have played.
He is ALWAYS on at him.
After his remark tonight I was so angry i said out loud @well, you don't want to play golf anyway...it's for poofs and old farts only! DH replied that whilever DS had his mum sticking up for him and pretending that the 'sun shone out of his arse' he would never amount to anything.
I am sooooooo pissed at DH.
He is constantly on at DS1. Yet earlier, whilst DH was in shower, DS2 attacked DS1 and left scratch marks.
When DH returned we told him what DS2 had done and he replied ' not my angel'.
Am on verger of leaving DH pureley because he treats DCs so unfairly. Am tired of his attitude toward ds1. Should I just leave to make children feel happier or have a real go at him? He must be aware of his belittling behaviour surely.

OP posts:

mrleebob · 25/07/2010 22:47

How was your DH treated as a child?

Original poster

bananalover · 25/07/2010 22:49

Dh's parents were 'older parents' and both in the army, so quite strict.

OP posts:

ssd · 25/07/2010 22:52

he sounds really horrible

why are you with him?

Pancakeflipper · 25/07/2010 22:52

Ow. That was a nasty cheap shot at your DS from a so-called adult.

What's eating your DH? Can he not face the reality that your ES may need some extra support? Has he got to get over his own prejudices?

kalo12 · 25/07/2010 22:52

i think your dh needs counselling for his 'mental behaviour' that is not a normal appropriate way to treat your dcs

autodidact · 25/07/2010 22:55

What appalling behaviour from your husband. Your poor son. I think you definitely need to talk to your husband about this. If he can't or won't acknowledge the problem and try to change leaving might be the only real option.

thisisyesterday · 25/07/2010 22:55

omg!
that's vile. i have to say if that was my dp i'd have kicked him out. how can anyone be so cruel to their own child????

Original poster

bananalover · 25/07/2010 22:56

pancakeflipper...that is it exactly. He refuses to accept that DS1 is not perfect and has issues. He poo poos idea of aspergegers, etc. Just says DS1 is naughty all the time and needs more discipline from me.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 25/07/2010 22:57

he spoke to his own child like that??? what exactly do you like about him?

mrleebob · 25/07/2010 22:58

I'm not taking his side here or excusing his behaviour but if his parents were army and strict, is there a chance he was raised in a similar fashion, with constant putdowns aimed his way? My stepmother was strict with us and sometimes it seemed extremely unreasonable. Now that I'm older, we get on much better and we can talk about things like that. she explained that her parents were very strict with her and that when she told me I couldn't do something, she often didn't know why she was being horrible (her words), she reacted that way without thinking. Perhaps counselling is indeed the right option for your DH to help him understand why he acts the way he does?

Original poster

bananalover · 25/07/2010 22:59

I am getting to the stage where I feel I HAVE to leave in order to protect DS1 from his 'viper tongue', as I call it.

OP posts:

Iwishiwasasleep · 25/07/2010 23:00

Unfortunately some people forget that every word parents say have a direct effect on DC's.

Maybe you could talk your DH into having family therapy to help your DS but, in reality, have therapy to sort out your DH.

Pancakeflipper · 25/07/2010 23:02

Oh dearie me - he's in denial.

I am sure others have got advice on how to deal with this cos' it's pretty common but unpleasant.

Good luck with that. I mean that sincerely cos' DH needs to sort himself out before you can both assist your ES.

GypsyMoth · 25/07/2010 23:04

i had to leave my dh to protect my dd.....dh was in the army.

Original poster

bananalover · 25/07/2010 23:10

Do you think me having a humongous row with DH over this would help?
We never 'argue' you see so would a showdown help?
I want to keep mu kids happy, but his attitude is wearing me down, so God knows how DS1 must be feeling.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 25/07/2010 23:14

do you think that he can change?

if he doesn't want to change then he won't. do you think you can make him see how this is affecting your son?

if not then ... well, it isn't right is it? only you can make a decision what to do long-term, but i do think that growing up with someone like that will have a long-lasting negative affect on a child

i wouldn't argue with him, but i would have a good talk to him tonight about this. about feeling like you need to leave to protect him, about how he cannot favour one over the other and of course how much damage he is doing to his son.

booyhoo · 25/07/2010 23:18

yes, you have to ask yourself if you think he can change. and be honest. if he cant then you have to make a decision about whether you would be doing the rright thing by your son to keep him in teh same home as your husband.

agree with iwish children hear every word that is said and though they might not show it, they take it all on board.

maryz · 25/07/2010 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bananalover · 25/07/2010 23:26

He cannot change, basically because he thinks he is in the right all the time.
I know that children pick up on everything. that is why I think i need to leave...not for me but them.
I always believed that crap about children, boys especially, needing their fathers in order to grow up as well adjusted individuals, but how can this be good for them?
DH is on at DS1 as soon as he gets up in the morning to wen he goes to bed. I have tackled DH about this before, but he just says DS1 needs more discipline.
All I can see is my lovely child being crushed by this constant barrage of criticism.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 25/07/2010 23:32

no, children need positive role models and if that means living with mum by themselves rather than living with dad who constantly puts him down and belittles him then so be it. your husband is having a negative influence on how your son develops, whether he has AS or not.

Original poster

bananalover · 25/07/2010 23:32

DH just cannot seem to get it into his head that DS1 could possibly be acting up all the time because he has an autistic spectrum problem....just thinks he is constantly naughty for sake of it.

OP posts:

maryz · 25/07/2010 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 25/07/2010 23:36

If dh refuses to understand that there is something very wrong with the way he treats ds, then yes, ds would be better off if you left. Although he'll still have to put up with dh's behaviour during contact visits.

So if there is any way of making dh understand, that would be very helpful whether you stay or go. Have you got a good GP/HV/educational psychologist who could talk to you both about how to approach ds?

Wonder how dh would like it if one day you decided to mirror his behaviour towards ds - just spent all day picking dh up on everything, constantly criticising him. Don't think he'd find it terribly motivational.

NanaNina · 25/07/2010 23:46

You seem like a mom who is prepared to put the best interests of her children before her husband which is a very good thing. What is behind your H's behaviour with your little boy. Does he feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed of the child who he thinks is somehow "mental" - is he afraid that it will be a reflection on him. There is also an issued between you and your H and I suspect he treats the child the way he does to get at you because he thinks you "namby pamby" him. Your H sounds quite a macho male and you sound like a caring nurturing mother.

Your H is emotionally abusing the little boy and you are very wise to think of leaving because it will do untold damage to the child, not now but through the life span. \Is there ANY chance of you and your H getting a third party (counsellor) to talk with you both about this, but my guess is your H would refuse to do this.

What ages are your children and are you getting any help with you youngest child. It isn't good for the older child either to know that he is favoured and this will not help him emotionally either.

BUT please remember as I'm sure you do that emotional abuse is every bit as harmful as physical or sexual abuse, and you as a good mother cannot just allow this situation to continue.

Maybe if your H knew that you really were intent on leaving because of his abusive behaviour to the child, he may be prepared to discuss his real feelings/fears with you to come to some resolution. If not, I think you are right to protecting your children at the expense of your marriage. Good luck.

MathsMadMummy · 25/07/2010 23:52

how horrible

I recognise your name, IIRC this isn't the first thread you've started about him is it

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