Am shaking with anger onDS1's behalf

[bananalover]

DS1 has just finished playing a golf game on the Wii.
He actually did really well with me and DH watching.
Afterwards I said 'It won't be long before your dad is taking you to his golk club to get some lessons and play'. His dad turned round and said 'Huh...I'm not taking HIM until he stops his mental behaviour'.
I admit DS1 has issues, ED physch thinks apergers or tourettes...but I felt like DH had just smacked DS1 in the face.
Everytime he plays golf, he comes home 'bragging ' about how good other kids DS's age have played.
He is ALWAYS on at him.
After his remark tonight I was so angry i said out loud @well, you don't want to play golf anyway...it's for poofs and old farts only! DH replied that whilever DS had his mum sticking up for him and pretending that the 'sun shone out of his arse' he would never amount to anything.
I am sooooooo pissed at DH.
He is constantly on at DS1. Yet earlier, whilst DH was in shower, DS2 attacked DS1 and left scratch marks.
When DH returned we told him what DS2 had done and he replied ' not my angel'.
Am on verger of leaving DH pureley because he treats DCs so unfairly. Am tired of his attitude toward ds1. Should I just leave to make children feel happier or have a real go at him? He must be aware of his belittling behaviour surely.

I feel very sorry for your ds, and it sounds as though you and your dh have got into a place where it is very hard for you to work together in support of your children.

You definitely are right to think this is unacceptable.

Of course you should make strenuous efforts to repair the parenting your ds gets from your dh. But no, I don't think 'any father better than none' makes sense. Actually, I think the only positive thing my own dad ever did for us was to leave - and I have no doubt that my brothers wouldn't be the lovely men they are if he had stuck around.

Can I just say, though - gently because I do feel great sympathy for you - that your dig about golfers was distasteful and also unhelpful to the situation. Don't stick up for your son by taking it out on gay people!

Sorry, you are right about the dig. Of course I realise that all golfers are not gay...it was a shot at DH. He is hompohobic, not me. This is another thing that winds me up...the other day DS1 was playing with DD putting play make up on each other. We were all laughing about the mess they were getting into, DH walks in and tells DS1 that 'he must be gay to wear make up'.
After DH had left room I told DS1 to ognore him and carry on.Think DH has this incredible fear of DS1 turning out to be gay...which is absolutely fine with me. But DH seems to be doing the seargeant major thing on him constantly in order to 'beef' him up, IYSWIM.

Not sure hearing his mother use the word "poof' would be very good for him either......

My ex dh were talking about this yesterday. His father never gave him any love or praise and put him down about everything he did. Consequently he is incapable of forming loving relationships with women kids and even family members and is now 41 and having a baby w/th a 19 yr old. we are still friends but I am regretfully that I stayed with him so long with 3 ds all affected by his lack of love shown to them.fortunately I am very loving and the boys seem ok and able to show love easily one is great dad to his ds. my dd is benefited greatly from the love and affection from me and my now dh but to watch her with her father is so sad he is completely uncomfortable with her and she is too. don't do this to your ds

Horrible behaviour from your dh, has he ever thought that his behaviour might be contributing towards ds1s behaviour?

My mum was raised in the military and very very rarely compliments me and as kids we got very svere smacks etc, she was always very hard on me and still is, I love her but it is strained some times because I can't talk to her about problems incase she critises me(because she thinks everything is my fault)

this was very very mild compared to your dh and I still get upset now and really wish she has been less
Harsh so we could be more like regular mums and daughters.

Don't let this one go, have it out and if he refuses to accept fault then leave.

Your husband is mean and a bully.

Have listened to all comments so far and am coming to conclusion that this must have some connection to army parents. I know his dad died when DH was 11, but he has never really mentioned this, although losing a parent at that age must have been hard.
I honestly don't know how to talk about this to DH.
Must add though that he has a 19 year old son from previous relationship, and seemed to have been pretty much same with him...quite distant and weekend visits, from what I saw, were all based around what Dh wanted to do, not his son, IYSWIM.
I think he could be a great dad, if he put his mind to it and stopped lokking at DS1's faults and focused on forming a better bond with him. But I don't know how to put all this to him so that he will really listen to how serious I feel this situation has become.

he cannot argue that he is like this because they need "more discipline"

discipline is NOT openly favouring one above the other

it is not telling your child he is mental

it is not putting him down and making him feel stupid

it is not telling him that other people are better at things than he is

Banana, could you seek support from an organisation like Kidscape or your local childrens' centre? Local centre will offer parenting classes. Just think there must be someone out there who can advise on the best way to approach dh so he might actually listen to you.

Of course, he may just reject what you say, and just be unwilling/unable to change. But it's worth giving him a chance.

I don't have any professional expertise, but might be worth perhaps sitting him down at some point when you are on your own together and calmly explaining that you are worried about this, and how does he think it would make him feel if someone was constantly criticising him, and does he have any ideas about how he could get on better with ds?

You need to explain why you are concerned and what impact it is having on ds. Talk about his relationship with his older son - is it as close as he'd like it to be? Does he wish he'd done anything differently? Think you have to be firm but try to explore positive solutions. If dh is willing to discuss it.

Reading this thread with interest. I hadn't realised a mother would leave her marriage because of unfair threatment towards her children. Mine didn't, though he was mad and very violent: I recognise that her children were not her priority and am angry about it.

This thread has shown me mothers who left husbands that were unfit fathers, even though their actions weren't illegal. Your children are very fortunate to be so well loved - and I feel privileged to have read your posts.

Bananalover, I appreciate your difficult dilemma and hope these ladies, here, will help you find your resolution

I have a ds with ASD.

When concerns were first raised my ex tried to blame it on me, he too came out with the "more discipline" thing, he did everything he could to avoid accepting that ds had ASD.

He came round in the end and the difference is he would rant on at me about ds and what we could do to "sort him out" but he never said or did anything to ds. Not like your "d"h.

I have to say that if he had I would have left him for it, his blaming of me for it was a great contribution to our splitting as it was.

Your ds can't help his behaviour, he is going to really struggle with it as he gets older and having his male "role" model treat him like this is going to make him scared and resentful and then angry, I can tell you now the last thing he needs is to have anger issues on top of his possible SN. I think if you H doesn't sort out his attitude I think you wouldn't have much choice about leaving tbh, as hard as that is.

I am sorry this is happening to your DS and you , but you sound like you have your head screwed on alright and know what is right.

Thanks all for your replies. I'm sorry I've not replied sooner, but with hols at moment, kids are 'very busy', as you 'll all know.
Had a chat with DH about his attitude, but I don't think it's changed his mind. He may try to alter his behaviour towards DS1, but I think he thinks I'm just pandering to DS1.
This afternoon, he was playing hide and seek with his 'friends', all very nice and no ar guing. I was cleaning car with DD and we watched as another boy, a bit older, approached DS1 and started shouting and chasing him. I went over to park to see what was happening. Basically, older boy said DS1 was making rude gestures towards him. I know that this boy and DS1 used to be friends and play together, but I stopped DS1 playing with him because they argued constantly, and I was sick of DS1 coming home crying.
Anyway, DS1's friends backed him up saying that he had done nothing to this other boy. I basically told them all to keep away from each other so there'd be no need for anymore arguments. Older boy stomped off home and Ds1 carried on playing nicely.
Anyway, when I told DH about this later, he AUTOMATICALLY took the other boy's side, as usual. Said DS1 was most probably lying and had been rude .
Later this evening, a parent knocked on the door and told DH that DS1 had been spitting whilst playing with his DD. DH called him over and grounded him. Now, normally, I would have accepted DH's decision, but this time, I confronted him, in front of DS1.
I said that spitting could be a symptom of DS1's condition, ED physcologist confirmed this to me, so he should not be punished for something he can't help doing.
DH disagreed...basically said that DS1 was just being his 'usual naughty self'.
If I can't get his own father to support him, I feel I have no real choice but to leave. Cannot bear to think that, in 10-15 years time, DS1 will turn round to me and ask how I could let his father treat him like that.
Worst thing is, DH is not a bad person, not violent,does not drink, works hard, etc. Just can't seem to accept his children's flaws
Sorry, bit of a rant there.

I am sorry for what you are going through.
My DS has no official DX but it has been suggested he could be lower end spectrum for a number of things. His Dad found it very difficult to accept that DS wasn't merely being will full and deliberately making our lives hard.

The things he said and did to DS, the way he treated him (and I am the first to admit, I didn't find him easy at times and he has frustrated me beyond belief sometimes), the way he spoke to him lead to a spiral in DS's behaviour to a point where we had a living hell.

I am not saying you should leave your DH, (sadly we split up) but on top of the problems he already has, the devastating effect your H's attitude has on DS's self esteem is likely to make things much much worse, especially as he feels rejected by his own Dad.

Even now, we are in a tricky place as DS's Dad is half and half, DS was subjected to a minor assault two weeks ago and his Dad responded by suggesting we try to get DS to try and be less of himself as he attracts the wrong attention. His manner with DS is often loaded with negativity and implied criticisms .

I don't know how you can get him to link his own behaviour and attitude to your DS's behaviour, but it will eventually affect his relationship with his siblings as he becomes aware that the others are favoured, apart from his self esteem and relationship with his Dad.

In the right environment, children generally strive for their greatest potential and parents should be nourishing that environment, not making it one of discomfort and uncertainty. I am sorry banana.. I think you have a really tough choice to make I wish you well. x

Mittz...I so recognise my Dh in yours. The whole 'getting Ds attracting the wrong attention' and ' Dh giving negative reactions'...it's so like my Dh.
I feel really silly, actually, thinking of leaving my Dh just because I feel he behaves wrongly towards DS1. But I feel it is the only way to protect DS1. His self esteem is really low ATM...he feels tha whole world is ag ainst him and nobody believes him.
The worst thing though is that he so qbviously craves his father's approval...and he's just not getting it.
How do I make DH understand the damage he is doing?

OP, my ds spits and it IS part of his condition - ASD/HFA. He get so angry sometimes that he just does it and doesn't get why it is so offensive, it has to be reiterated again and again to him. I can assure you in the strongest possible terms he has NEVER seen anyone in my home spit and my dc do not watch adult television, ds is 7 and has never watched a programme that was not on Nick Jr, CBeebies or the Disney Channel.

I am getting sadder and sadder reading about your ds and you dh. Tell you what? How about you give him this thread to read and if you can get him to make the effort then you can email me and I will tell him about my ds and the similarities there seem to be in their behaviours. My Ds is diagnosed and statemented. I am no expert but I know enough to relate to what you are saying about your ds.

I am afraid if ex was like this to ds I would leave him if only to shock him to seeing the damage he is doing. Could it be though that he just can't bring himself to accept that your ds may have SN so buries his head in the sand? My ex did this to the extent that he wanted me to promise NOT to seek help for ds for a year to allow him to "come on".

A relative of ours slapped ds for autistic behaviours (how dare he!!). He has never since him since and never will again. Some people just don't get it and have to be educated, sounds like your dh is one of them.

Goodness, what a horrible way to damage the poor innocent child? Honestly, if I were you, I'd be asking him to move out asap. Hopefully a strong message would make him react, but if not, at least you know you did the best for you DC.

bear in mind that should you leave him....then thats all you're doing....YOU leaving HIM...he's still dad to the dc and will have access rights,so will then spend time with them alone,without you there to mediate/intervene......so you wont even be aware of what your ds is being told in that scenario.

ILT...mmm, hadn't thought about it that way. You are right of course that any time he spends with kids without my being there could be just the same, so leaving would be counter productive.
But if, as suggested, he's burying his head in the sand regarding DS1's condition, then I really don't know what to do for the best.

I have a friend whose father was like that. His mother never left, but apparently would argue with her dh about it.

Tbh he has never gotten over the fact that his mother chose her dh over her son, and therefore allowed the abuse to continue (as that is what it amounts to). He used to have a recurrent fantasy that his mother would leave/his father would die and all would be well.

Of course it never happened and as a result he still, as an adult, does not feel he can trust her.

It's the craving approval from their father that is the problem for so many boys and men.

How to make your DH see that though...