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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this suspicious? Weird telephone call.

35 replies

fairyliquid123 · 25/07/2010 21:03

Hi - I've posted before about EA and avid porn using/voyeur H and am wondering what to conclude about an incident 3 days ago. He said ages ago that he had stopped all his very pervy (lots of voyerism) porn usage.

I was putting DS2 to bed and the phone went 4 times. Noone picked up, so eventually on 4th call i picked up "caller withheld" number. The woman insisted on speaking to H & used his name. h spoke to her and got a bit flustered and annoyed saying as she was saying that he had called earlier and put the phone down and she was required by her comapny to call him back at a coat of £3 per callback. I heard his conversation with her and asked him to get her company and number, as he was ssaying he hadn't called and not legitimate. He eventually handed phone to me to deal with. The woman seemed very genuine and gavve me the company name and number. The compancy was "Hot Muscle chat line for horny singles". She said that her company had received calls from our nukber that day at 17:37 and 18:51 but on the 18:51 call the phone had been put down by us. Hence her requirement to call back. She also said calls had been made 2 days and 5 days earlier. I called the no. the next day and it put me through to an automated serivce from "chatt to date". I also researched on the wab and there is a "Hot Muscle" web cam sex web site and a chat2 date web site but thay are different sites. BT can't itemise the numbers becuase it was an 0800 number but it seems that you can pay a monthly credit card fee then use an 0800 to call chat to date.

I haven't confronted H becasue I know he will deny it and I have no proof. But I am very suspicious. What do any of MN's think? I'd really appreciate som info/thoughts.

OP posts:

Tortygirl · 25/07/2010 21:07

When you get your phone bill ask for an itemised list of outgoing calls then you will know for sure.
I know I wouldn't be happy if this was my hubby but as yours in denying it, it is the only way to know for sure.

msboogie · 25/07/2010 21:09

You're kidding right? You have no proof? I'm sorry but I can't think what sort of proof would be enough for you.

What's the point - you're not going to do anything about him are you?

FakePlasticTrees · 25/07/2010 21:12

you have all the proof you need. you just don't want to use it.

Sorry. Must be shit.

SugarMousePink · 25/07/2010 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wornoutbyarguing · 25/07/2010 21:50

hi am so sorry about how you must feel

porn addiction is like any other addiction,it destroys relationships,trust and intimacy,

i have just left my husband of 10 years as i couldnt take his addiction anymore and he wouldnt get help

i dont mean just the odd jazz mag but the sneaking around,sex lines,hidden memory sticks,paying hoes on webcams u name it hes done it and more

hope u can work it
hugs x

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 25/07/2010 23:50

Thanks for your messages. I have called BT and have registered with the BT online service 4 days ago but no call history is showing yet. On a phone call to BT, they said that that number would not show anyway as it is 0800 - they apparently won't show up. Although if they charge us £3 for the callback it will show I guess. H said that the company had got our number from one of the standard databases and were calling at £3 a time to make money out of us. We do get unsolicited calls asking for us by name, as companies can buy databases detailing this. BT said that you can't be charged for incoming calls - so I really don't know what to think.

I don't like porn usage but what I particularly dislike about H's porn usage is that much of it is about sneaky cameras looking at women uninvited. Over the last 18 years he has forced me through EA behaviour to wear very modest clothing becasue he said that other men are always looking to get sneaky glimpses down womens' tops and up their skirts. There are lots of other EA behaviours too.

I take it that those of you who said I won't leave, remember a previous thread. To update on that - I lost my job, then his Mum got cancer and died and I didn't feel the time was right. He also was making some effort to change - superficial though but has been quite a bit better with the DS's Things are different now, as I am in a much stronger position. If this incident shows he was in web cam and rude chat rooms I really will not put up with it.

I am also worried that he is monitoring my IT usage through a different PC to the one I am using now aas I have seen this computers internet history on the other PC. Any ideas how that could happen? I hope he can't see this conversation!

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 25/07/2010 23:53

Do you use a computer at work? If so, google that question - there is a lot of advice online.

Can't say more in case he is watching!

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 25/07/2010 23:58

He is firmly tucked up in bed now with no computer - I have them both on to see what happens. I sound paranoid, but I was really alarmed to see this PC's history on the laptop as I only use the laptop for work, never personal stuff.

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 26/07/2010 00:00

Fairy, if he is keeping a record then it can be accessed at any time (ie he could read tomorrow what you were saying today.) I'm not sure that it keeps the same history, though - the programs I've seen just keep a text record of everything keyed in.

My neighbour had a program like that on his computer as his daughter was on MSN all the time and he wanted to know what she was up to.

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 26/07/2010 00:05

Sugar and Wornout - you are both right - it isn't about porn usage but about intimacy and trust. This just demonstrates how hard it would be to ever have a real trusting relationship with this man. I also am not surprised becasue I have noticed that his behaviour becomes far more difficult and verbally aggressive as his porn viewing increases. I've read lots of articles and this is common because porn affects mens' views about women by changing the way the man thinks and what he will find exciting. On one hand he is so keen to stay in the marriage but on the other he contiues his behaviours.

OP posts:

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 26/07/2010 00:07

Atswim - oh dear, any ideas how I find out if this is on my PC?

OP posts:

wornoutbyarguing · 26/07/2010 21:09

there are loads of book and internet articles which are really useful,
also look for porn addiction help for adults on google,some forums are to help wags etc,

i found loads by going onto harddrive and putting search in box,nearly keeled over in shock mind found lady boys,gay blokes,etc so be prepared for what u find its a hell of a shock at first

he was at it all time,,but 2 things were worst trying to look for escorts on our wedding annivesary and finding out he was paying women to strip for him over webcams and using our bloody money to pay for it...

i feel so sorry for any women caught up in this its horrible.

we tried relate but it didnt help at all he admitted it was more important than me and our dds so i said well you and moved out ,

i have slept like dead last few weeks,love it dont worry about what hes doing or how many massage parlours he goes too tbh

he admitted acouple of years ago he had used prostitutes a lot in past,,i was even stupid enuf to dress up to please him ,,,
i look back now and think i am so glad its just me and dds......
good luck i hope you get on ok but remember its not you thats the prob its him ,,u could be the most gorgeous looking woman on the planet and he would still want porn
hugs xx

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 29/07/2010 00:01

Worn out - thanks so much for your message. I'm glad you are happy now - you're situation sounded awful. My H has been skirting around porn for years but I only discovered what I think is the full extent, last year. He promised he had stopped and said he had only done it a short while. I knew this wan't true from the history over the months. His behaviour deteriorates while he is using pron more - I'm fairly certain. His behaviour is my main concern but the porn adds to my distgust of the way he is. I will follow your advice, and brace myself!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 20:32

FL...are you taking steps to leave your relationship ?

I sincerely hope (for your sake) that you are

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 29/07/2010 20:46

I am.. Its taken me ages to come to terms with the fact that I do have to. I have a local support worker to talk to now and that is a big help. I've known the relationship is no good for a year now but have struggled with the idea of leaving and the fact that he might get the DS's 50 % of the time - that would be even worse as I wouldn't know what he was up to!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 20:50

I am glad you have clarity

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 20:51

Although, from what you have said, I wouldn't be wasting my time worrying about weird phone calls

I would be using my energy to get the fuck away from him

Hassled · 29/07/2010 20:54

If you post on Geeky Stuff re how to confirm that there is a Keylogger/whatever else they're called on your PC, someone will know. There are a few posters who respond there who really know their stuff, and they may know how to disable it.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Re your OP - you have proof already. People don't normally get randomly called by these sort of people - it can't have been a mistake.

loopyloops · 29/07/2010 21:01

Sorry, but lave him. You have your proof. Time to go.

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 29/07/2010 22:06

I'm interested in the unanimous "leave him" and I have only given a small part of the story. I will but I'm scared. He clearly has mental health issues and threatens to kill him self often. I am very worried about how he will react.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 22:10

how is that your problem, FL ?

serious question

would you let him keep you there by emotional blackmail ?

do you think he would hurt you ? or the dc ?

if so, you need to get some serious RL help to escape from him

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 29/07/2010 22:31

It's more about me and the kids. I would hate him to hurt himself and I would inevitably feel guilt but that's not it. I have no evidence, just a gut reaction that he may flip and I don't then know what he might do.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 22:36

then he is controlling you, by fear

are you happy with that scenario ?

Original poster

fairyliquid123 · 29/07/2010 22:43

I have never thought of it that way - but you are right.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 22:47

I can't remember if I have posted on your other threads, FL

but your situation sounds really awful

have you any support in RL...by that, I mean someone who knows how bad it really is ?

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