Is this suspicious? Weird telephone call.

[fairyliquid123]

Hi - I've posted before about EA and avid porn using/voyeur H and am wondering what to conclude about an incident 3 days ago. He said ages ago that he had stopped all his very pervy (lots of voyerism) porn usage.

I was putting DS2 to bed and the phone went 4 times. Noone picked up, so eventually on 4th call i picked up "caller withheld" number. The woman insisted on speaking to H & used his name. h spoke to her and got a bit flustered and annoyed saying as she was saying that he had called earlier and put the phone down and she was required by her comapny to call him back at a coat of £3 per callback. I heard his conversation with her and asked him to get her company and number, as he was ssaying he hadn't called and not legitimate. He eventually handed phone to me to deal with. The woman seemed very genuine and gavve me the company name and number. The compancy was "Hot Muscle chat line for horny singles". She said that her company had received calls from our nukber that day at 17:37 and 18:51 but on the 18:51 call the phone had been put down by us. Hence her requirement to call back. She also said calls had been made 2 days and 5 days earlier. I called the no. the next day and it put me through to an automated serivce from "chatt to date". I also researched on the wab and there is a "Hot Muscle" web cam sex web site and a chat2 date web site but thay are different sites. BT can't itemise the numbers becuase it was an 0800 number but it seems that you can pay a monthly credit card fee then use an 0800 to call chat to date.

I haven't confronted H becasue I know he will deny it and I have no proof. But I am very suspicious. What do any of MN's think? I'd really appreciate som info/thoughts.

He sounds gross. 'Men like sneaking looks down women's tops'. Is he mentally disturbed? WTF?

I am physically shuddering at the thought of him.

I really feel terribly sorry for you, OP. I hope you can find the strength you need to get out of this situation. It sounds desperately bad for you.

My family all live away. I have some close friends but I find them unwilling to give an opinion or get too involved because they all have kids, jobs and busy lives. I don't like to go on about my situation and burden them. My sister is also willing to listen and support but she lives miles away and is unwell with 2 small DS's. That's why I have gone for help from a local support group.

H is like many EA men. He can be charming in between times, just as I am ready to walk out. He really doesn't seem to get it though. Today, one of the first things he said to me was "that top is too low and gapes. You need to change." I can't understand how he feels he has the right to make such a comment after couples counselling where we explored such issues. For many years I thought he was just being truthful about what me really think about.

he's not just emotionally abusive though, is he? he bit one of your children hard enough to draw blood once, didn't he?

FL,Please leave sooner rather than later for the sake of yourself and your dc.

It can be done, you can do it and you need to.

He did Colditz and I can never forgive that. I also can't forgive his nasty treatment of DS2 a few weeks ago when DS had severe earrache. I did everything to comfort him and ease the pain. H shouted at DS several times for screaming with the pain, saying he was exaggerating and then told me I was useless because I couldn't quieten DS. He hates noise. When I told him what I thought, he said I was turning it on him as he was only concerned that DS would hurt his throat with the screaming. I contacted a local DA support service the next day for support, as I am struggling to break free. He has been reasonably OK with only a few incidents the last few days - although, thinking about it, Sunday wasn't great when DS2 kicked off about a place we had visited and started to complain and cry because he wanted to go elsewhere. H found that hard to cope with too. I just think he finds any situation hard where people aren't doing what he wants them to. Yesterday, I joined a martial arts class with DS2. H wasn't happy about me going and said "you are not going back" several times and "That isn't an appropriate activity for my wife to be doing". I told him it was and that I am going again with DS next week. But why does he feel he is in any posistion to say things like this? We sleep in separate rooms and I have said this stuff is unacceptable many times. We have explored it in counselling. He even attended a CBT session yesterday, but he still said it! The more I write, the more I realise how unacceptable it is. Yet he was charming tonight.

yes they can turn the charm on and off - it is all part of the control... read about cycle of abuse
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

he will keep saying it because eh probably knows/feels that you will give in eventually, and not go, he will wear you down with the negative attitue...

"He clearly has mental health issues and threatens to kill him self often. I am very worried about how he will react. "

how he reacts is his problem. apart from the porn addiction etc - what actual diagnosed MH issues does he have? tho i guess if he gone for CBT must have something?

the threats to kill himself - when do these happen? "often" - once a week? what makes you think it is at all serious?

even if it was serious - whose problem would it be? it would be his choice....

i've been on the receiving end of those threats - for years before i left and after i left exP...you know what, even at his most severe and real MH crisis when he was self harming - he couldnt actually do enough to even qualify as suicide attempt...

heck even the MH psych unit nurse said if he wanted to stick veggie knife in his thigh - well it was his choice and they weren't concerned...

all the threats were just that - part of emotional blackmail...

you H hates noise...he finds it hard to cope....think about having children around someone who cannot cope. what messages are they picking up from him?

"only a few incidents the last few days " - that doesnt make it ok... you are almost justifying and explaining him to yourself...well it hasnt been so bad... but you going to be waiting for the next time arent you?

that is when you realise it just isnt worth it any more...

The threats or comments about killing himself are about once a week or so. He has self harmed - slashed his arms but nothing else. I do worry about him but I worry more about his reaction to me and the DC's. My sister has expressed concern too. I don't know the full diagnosis on his MH problems as he doesn't tell me. He is on anti-depressants and is receiving CBT. I have told the dr I suspect BPD but he took it no further as far as I know. I showed H a BPD website and H said he recognised most of the symptoms and feelings. His Mum clearly had serious MH problems as her behaviour was very difficult and controliing and his Grandad was verbally and physically abusive to his Mum and Grandma. That's why I wanted to give him a chance, to seek help, but that was a year ago and he has done very little - anti D's and 2 CBT sessions in 14 months! He has tried to improve his behaviour but under any pressure he reverts back. The controlling comments continue regardless - they are just part of the way he talks.

let him continue to seek help elsewhere - he had his chance, you now had enough.

he is damaging you(r self esteem) and damaging the DCs with his behaviour. it aint worth it for you or the DCS.

he cant handle noise etc that kids make - so let him be free of those repsonsibilities except on contact...

my exP was like he was when we were together, he continues to be like he is. and it still goes up and down. it was never anything to do with me, really. i thought for too long it was ths stress/i could fix him/i could make him happy etc...

you can't fix him - and there are too many negatives.

Thanks for the plain talking Cestlavie. When you are in a situation, certain bad things become normal. An outside opinion really helps. His DP have always excused his behaviour saying he's stressed/overworked/underworked/worried about something. Gradually I realised that there was always some excuse for continually poor behaviour and it is unacceptable.

It is unacceptable. Well done, FL, for appreciating that. Neither you nor your children are obliged to put up with his issues, control and lack of sympathy for anyone else. If believes you are obliged to then he's wrong, pure & simple.

He seems to have a very peculiar attitude to women. In all honesty, I doubt whether he'll ever be able to fix that. (Even if he was trying - which he's not.) He's not entitled to inflict his warped beliefs on his family - but you can't change him.

We live in a free world, which is lucky for people like him. He could be living on his own and conducting his relationships with women entirely via webcams & phone; he wouldn't be breaking any laws and he wouldn't have to change. Our free world also means you can start again with your DCs, beiing treated with kindness and respect. Better chances all round that way, I should have thought.