spreading your wild oats before settling down

[honda123]

Hi, the title says it all really.

Do you think it's important to date/sleep with quite a few men before settling down with just one for the rest of your life?

I guess I'm just thinking about only sleeping with one other person for the rest of my life, forever is a long time....

I just keep thinking about never having another first kiss or that butterfly feeling, feel sad at the thought of not having that again, Ever.

The world is a big place and I feel like I'm making my world smaller by settling down. I think if I'd had lots of boyfriends and experiences they would tide me over and I wouldn't be wondering what if???

So my question is how do you know when you're ready to just be with one person? And have you ever had serious doubts?

If you're doubting it then you're probably not with the right person. I've never seen the attraction of having 'lots of boyfriends'. WHat emotional need do you think you are fulfilling by thinking that will make your life better? IMO, befor eyou settle down with anyone you need to know that actually you are ok on your own, you're a decent person. And anyone who then comes into your life enriches it, rather than makes it. I don't hold with this going from one boyfriend to the next bullshit.

I wish I had waited for my husband..

I think it's normal to worry about never having those initial feelings again. When I see new couples I feel a twinge of jealousy, the feelings of the first kiss and such things. But you get a better trade off, security, love, passion, children, a life together.

You should be happy with your decision. Don't try and second guess yourself, or over-analyse your feelings. But if you feel deep down that you are unsure, or not ready to be married, listen to that feeling.

Settling down is not compulsory. Some of us never want to do it and never will. Others prefer to have one primary relationship and other sexual partners ut to be open and honest about it. And some people don't want to have any kind of sexual or romantic relationship at all.
What is important is to try to understand what type of person you are before you engage in any kind of 'committed' relationship. Because for young women, especially, it's all to easy to meet a man and 'settle down' only to find that your life becomes all about the man relationship and you lose yourself, until the point when you wake up and wonder where you went. Of course, sometimes this works out OK, if you have been lucky enough to find a nice partner ie someone who values you as a person not just a 'woman' and is OK with change and development, other times Mr Perfect turns out to be an arse.

'I just keep thinking about never having another first kiss or that butterfly feeling, feel sad at the thought of not having that again, Ever.'

But that would be so even if you'd had lots of boyfriends and then settled down with one person at 50.

I don't think there's a right answer to this one- some people get together early and are really happy, others don't, but I do think innocuousnamechange has a point- if you're thinking like that, maybe things aren't quite right. Are you thinking of "settling down" because other people around you are doing so? Or to please your family? Or something else other than the plain wish to enrich each other's lives by being together? I'm not saying that you are, but people sometimes do have other motives that they even hide from themselves, and then come unstuck.

Unfortunately I have to point out that having lots of boyfriends can make you more likely to think "what if", as you may in the future think "what if I'd stayed with X?"

FWIW if I'd settled down at 20 it would have been hell, but at 23 it would have been fine. I finally did at 36.

Depends on what sort of person you are, really, doesn't it.

For me, it would have been a disaster to settle down young, I did have a lot to "get out of my system". But everyone is different. You need to think about what is right for you.

I'm really glad I didn't settle down young, but I have some friend who did and they are still together 20-odd years on.

However, I do know they all played the field just a little bit before they settled down after uni

I was still at school when I met my (now) DH. He was a little bit older. despite my young age, he was 'the one' and I knew it right from the start. We 'courted' for about five years before marrying. I have never felt the urge to look at another man and I still get that butterfly feeling when I he catches my eye from across the room and gives me 'that' look. We have been married for nearly 30 years now. I can truly say that I have never once thought: ' What if...?'

I guess I was lucky.

I know you've been around mn but this looks like a journo looking for input on a follow up piece to Kimberley Walsh and her "two men only" revelation. Is that her name? It looks like junk research.

Yes I do believe that's what we might have here.

I think pistachio may turn into "my friend caroline" who gave her views at a dinner party last week etc etc

I agree with whoever said it's much more important to be single before you settle down (if that's the path you choose) than to have lots of boyfriends.

Knowing you can live with yourself and like and respect yourself on your own terms, is an awful lot more important than knowing that there are men out there who have bigger dicks than your DH.

I dont think having sex with lots of men is essential but I do feel that I am the person I am for my DP because I was single for long enough to love myself and be independant.

I suppose as well that I appreciate him the way I do because of all the arseholes ive had the misfortune to encounter.

OP, If you love your DP and he treats you with kindness and as an equal, plus he still turns you on then please dont think youre missing out. Youre really not.

I had lots of one night stands and the sex really is pretty crap generally speaking.

It's a journalist. I mean, fine if you don't mind, or welcome the opportunity to share your views with the wider a world, but it's not private any more.

Haha unfortunately I am Not a journalist, I did see that girls aloud article but this is actually something I have been questioning for the last 6 months.

Reading about Kimberley walsh and others like her just confuses me more, I guess I'm looking for that concrete feeling that I'm making the right decision...

I think you should spread your wings a bit further. As well as people I've tried dogs, horses, a dolphin- at one point I thought I was going to settle down with a bromeliad, but there were cultural differences that would have made it impossible, and my Spanish isn't really as good as I made out early on.

I can honestly say I'm happy to have settled down with a human being, but I had to kiss a few frogs to be quite sure.

Oh and thank you for all your comments, it definitely helps to hear things from lots of different perspectives.