spreading your wild oats before settling down

[honda123]

Hi, the title says it all really.

Do you think it's important to date/sleep with quite a few men before settling down with just one for the rest of your life?

I guess I'm just thinking about only sleeping with one other person for the rest of my life, forever is a long time....

I just keep thinking about never having another first kiss or that butterfly feeling, feel sad at the thought of not having that again, Ever.

The world is a big place and I feel like I'm making my world smaller by settling down. I think if I'd had lots of boyfriends and experiences they would tide me over and I wouldn't be wondering what if???

So my question is how do you know when you're ready to just be with one person? And have you ever had serious doubts?

I'm not sure that it's a simple as doubting my relationship because I'm with the wrong person, I honestly wasn't expecting to meet my match so soon. When I met him I was inexplicably drawn to him and sort of went with the flow and suddenly found myself in love with him. It sounds so stupid but I thought that something would happen and we'd split eventually when instead we got deeper and deeper into it and here we are 5 years down the line.

He is an amazing partner and could not be more loving and supportive, and we get along so well And I am still attracted to him.

When I walk into a room his face lights up and he is always telling me and showing me how much he loves me.

I look at my friends and know I don't want their relationships.

Someone posted above something about appreciating her husband because of the arseholes who came before, I luckily haven't had any guys like that in my life and wonder if I would even be here questioning things if I had.....

I hate talking about this in real life because I sound so bloody self indulgent!

I'm just petrified I'll still have these underlying feelings 5 or 10 years down the line but by then children will be involved. I want to get to the bottom of this now.

Not sure how you can solve grass is greener syndrome, Honda.

You've hit the nail on the head HerBeatitude

I'm afraid I think the answer is that you will never really really know if you are doing the right thing in choosing when to make things permanent. It's an act of faith.

I don't think it makes any difference whether you have known many men or only a few, you still have to cross the "am I doing the right thing" line. For some there will be little doubt, whilst others may agonize about it. I think lots of factors come into that, some of which are about the relationship, but many are about you as a person - do you find it easy to make big decisions, do you analyze your every move, have you generally made good decisions in the past etc. One advantage of getting married is that it makes the decision very explicit, which can be helpful.

I met and started dating dh at 19, married him at 25, had two children, things got sticky, we separated for a while and then got back together again, and now we are in it for the long term. It will be 20 years next year that we've been together. Now obviously I could have dated more people, possibly married someone else, or dated other people when we separated (we basically slipped back to boy friend/girl friend status for a couple of years) but I never felt any particular inclination to do so, and you can't live life on a "what if" basis
However we've had plenty of butterfly moments, along with lots of other emotions, good and bad.

My best friend was very disapproving when I went steady as she felt I should be experimenting and trying out other guys, but I'm not sure her choices have been any better than mine to be honest. She's certainly had a very different life from me, and possibly much more fun along the way, but is also now resigned to probably not having children having struggled to find her "Mr Right". I'm not sure I did, but I have two fabulous children and I'm mostly very happy with my dh despite his faults and foibles.

TBH, if you're thinking like this, you're not ready to settle down, you're too immature to do so and you owe it to your partner to have an honest talk.

Because when you get to the point of marrying someone, if that's the kind of person you are, whether you're 19 or 49, the main reason you know it's right is because you don't think like this.

You just feel, 'I want to live with this person for good, for better or for worse (within reason, obviously, not counting stuff like cheating, abuse, etc.).'

I've had a lot of men in my life, been married three times.

The decision has to come from within, for some people that means the first person they're with, for others it means never.

But if it's not there, then you need to move on.

Hmm, I slept with a fair few people before I met DH, not loads but not just a handful.

I had to meet a few assholes to appreciate what I have now ifyswim?

Also I got bored easily too but honestly, I think when you have met someone who you truely love, as in after all the inital lust has died down and you have all the mundane day to day crap. You do still get those little butterflys and rushes of excitment. I have never had that before, that's why I knew DH was the one.

And as SGB points out, some people are not the settle down type. Ever. Nowt wrong with that.

I don't know that you 'have to move on' just because you don't want to marry your current partner - unless your current partner is currently agitating for a higher level of commitment than you currently have. If you and he are having a good time at the moment (and you are not at a stage in your life where you are worrying about time running out on your fertility) why bother about The Future? Again, relationships don't have to be linear - there is nothing wrong with dating indefinitely if you and the other person are both happy with the situation.
However, if the bloke is keen on moving in/getting married and you have a little voice inside saying 'nnnah, don't think so' then you may well have to let him go find someone else to marry, and preferably sooner rather than later. As a relationship where the keener partner has stated that they want to progress has only two, grim options if you stay in it. Option A is that the relationship dissolves in bitter squabbles about WHY won't you marry me?'. Option B is that the reluctant partner grits his/her teeth, agrees to the marriage, feels queasy with doubt on the wedding day and, sooner or later, fucks off with someone else.

An act of faith is a perfect way to describe it. My decision making in the past has been pretty good but I constantly doubt myself and analyze things to death.

The fact that I have these doubts is exactly why I'm questioning the relationship. The thing is though I just don't know if it's lack of faith in Myself and my judgement Or a symptom of deeper issues within the relationship.

I can see us being together happily for a long time because fundamentally we go about our daily lives very much a team and discuss everything and have such a laugh together still.

Someone mentioned being bored and I think there is something in that, it's like I can see my life stretching ahead of me and I can see within reason how it's going to go. The 'almost' certainty of it fills me with dread. That old cliche of wanting an extraordinary life not an ordinary one.

My bf knows I'm feeling this and we have spent hours talking about this and while he is very hurt I feel this way he is very supportive of me trying to get my shit together and is not pushing me in any way. He is truly one in a million.

Maybe I'm not the settling down type... I honestly don't know, I am trying to figure out who I am. Can you find yourself within a relationship????? I just want to add that I am not the type who has gone from man to man, quite the opposite, i avoided men/relationships for a long time. I never expected my first proper bf to be so perfect for me.

X posts with others

just to make clear bf is not pressuring me to marry now, we do live together and have done so for almost the whole 5 years we've been together.

I just feel like it's not fair to him to stay when I'm having serious doubts, feel like I'm wasting his time. Like he deserves to know the truth, I can't lie to him and keep moving along with the relationship if I'm thinking actually I'm just biding my time, don't want to upset the status quo.

The thought of not seeing him every day is dire, physically wrenching. Ugh!

at kissing lots of frogs to find prince.

I am a bloke and had lots of fun at school/uni. But I never look at any other woman and think I wished I married you instead of my wife....though I occasionally think, I wish that I had screwed you before I got married