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Original poster

Messy family situation need some POVs, maybe from some single parents!

36 replies

PlumBumMum · 23/07/2010 23:32

ok going to try and keep this short and sour sweet

I have a strained relationship with my family, I haven't spoke to my father for 3.5 years.
I have a brother who I try my best to get on with but he displays all my fathers traits and some.
He has a daughter as a result of a one night stand, she is now 4, he has seen her on & off over the years, and up until recently he was getting her overnight at the weekends.

Cutting to the chase
I hadn't spoke to my brother in awhile (not fell out just hadn't spoke) I rang him on his birthday and left a happy birthday message, he text me to say thanks, (this was end of June)

I commented to dh must ring db as haven't spoke to him in awhile, he must be doing something I don't approve of,

last week I had a text from nieces mum to ring her, I rang her and she said
I suppose you know db hasn't seen dniece in a couple of weeks
I said actually no haven't spoke to him in awhile
she said just letting you know dn is crying at thought of going with him and I was welcome to come and visit her anytime I wanted or take her out, and so was my mum.

She asked me not to tell my brother she had contacted me, she commented that she didn't want to go back there again, she mean't when my brother went to court to get access to dn.

So today I rang my brother and pretended I didn't know anything,
he said he wasn't seeing dn anymore and my mum & dad support him on this,
he is addiment(sp) that dns mother wants him to have nothing to do with her she is always putting up obstacles,
wheres dns mum has always told me she wants dn to know her family,

Now I don't want to be like the rest of my family and carry on like I have no niece, I want to know her and for her to know her cousins, but I find myself backing off as I am consumed with guilt that I will get to see her and my brother won't (this has happened before)
I can't have a conversation with my brother as he takes everything as a criticism and gets defensive, I don't know who is telling me the truth!

So WWYD?
Single parents even if you don't get on with your not so x do you honestly want your PFB to have a relationship with a family you hardly know?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumBumMum · 23/07/2010 23:34

crap that wasn't so short

and I forgot to say that my brother can't see he is turning into our father by turning his back on his daughter and how I really can't stomach the topic!

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumBumMum · 24/07/2010 00:03

one bump before bed

OP posts:
mamas12 · 24/07/2010 00:15

Well your relationship with your db is not that good is it.
How do you think he would react when he finds out?

mamas12 · 24/07/2010 00:17

I don't have that good a relationship with my db and we hardly ever see his dcs which I find quite sad so I know what you're on about.
It's hard to get involved with the exes though as the 'real' family close ranks don't they. Sigh

LRB978 · 24/07/2010 00:25

PlumBumMum, ds has limited contact with his dad, ex sees ds when ex can be bothered (at the moment weekly, but it has also been 8+ months between visits). However, I have always said that if any of his family want to see ds they are welcome, just let me know. The only one who bothers is his aunty who lives 2 minutes away, and we only really see her at the school gate.

I really wouldn't feel guilty about you seeing your niece and your brother not, he has the option and, by the sounds of it, has blown it. I would love for ds to have more than an infrequent relationship with his dads side of the family, but I know the only way that will happen is if I do all of the running, chasing organising etc, and I am not willing to do it (although if ds was asking, I would).

In short, Yes I would love for ds to have that relationship, but I'm not willing to be the one to force the relationship, it got to be wanted from the other side as well.

pinemartina · 24/07/2010 00:40

PBM - I think you should keep in touch with your niece.My dd has no contact with her Dad or any of his family.
He tells his family that this is down to me.
He was abusive to me and told many lies.
I don't believe this should influence his relationship with our dd,it's his choice not to see her (very controlling).
I would be delighted if any of his family were to want a relationship with dd,and would be fully supportive.
I worry about how she might feel in the future,not knowing anyone from her fathers' side.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 24/07/2010 00:50

I'd say a child was more important then the parents, let them squabble to each other. A child needs their family, your brother and his ex are old enough to know better.

colditz · 24/07/2010 00:54

yes.

because they are family.

And if my ex was being a twat, well, his mother's never been a twat.

I would honestly assume your brother is lying to save face. Or thinks he is telling the truth, because your niece's mother 'puts up obstacles' like "Please don't just feed her MacDonalds" and "It's not appropriate for you to leave her with the neighbour so you can get pissed on the one night you see her."

caramelwaffle · 24/07/2010 00:58

Yes. You should continue to see your niece. She is your family - even if your brother wants to pretend she is not his.

Dione · 24/07/2010 01:07

She is your family and you should continue to see her. As one or both of her parents are letting her down, she will need all the love and support she can get from the other adults in her life. It will also be good for her to have someone to confide in. Someone with her best interests at heart, who she trusts and is not a parent.

Aunts are brilliant

maristella · 24/07/2010 02:32

i absolutely applaud you for putting your niece's needs before your brother's. she did not ask to be born into this situation, and her self esteem deserves protection.
ds' paternal 'family' do not see him as they do not want to upset his 'father', who has long turned his back on a wonderful boy. i have tried and tried to enable him to have a relationship with his pat family, but i have fought a losing battle. i would be so grateful if they were to express interest and love in him, he totally deserves that

pine we are in sync yet again! how are you?

solo · 24/07/2010 02:44

I'd be quite happy for Dd not to see her arsehole of a father, but see her aunt and cousin without him knowing.

thumbwitch · 24/07/2010 03:03

I would say still see her. It sounds as though you don't have that much of a relationship with your brother or the rest of your family anyway, so they probably wouldn't be that much of a loss if they chose to ostracise you for keeping in touch with a little girl.

Why on earth is your brother adamant that he doesn't want to see DN again? Can he not cope with her? Perhaps that's why she doesn't want to go with him again as well.

Either way, you should do what feels right for you, your DC and your DN - your brother is big and ugly enough to sort himself out, and you should not allow him (or your parents) to dictate your behaviour. You have no need to feel "consumed with guilt" over you seeing her when your brother isn't - that's HIS choice!!

Sounds like the mum in question is a nice enough person - I'd keep seeing your DN, regardless of what your mum chooses to do.

kickassangel · 24/07/2010 03:48

well, my aunt (only a few years older than me) had a dd when she was young. the father was awful, messed her around, had affairs, turned up, didn't turn up etc etc.

his mum & sister both kept a relationship with my cousin (the dd). when my cousin married 25 years later, her aunt was invited, but not her father.

so, it IS possible to maintain a relationship like that. however, it was not as close as other family, and they kind of agreed never to discuss the father & what he was up to.

whatifihadneverbothered · 24/07/2010 05:47

I know you don't want to upset your DB, but I think you should still see her. Her mum sounds pretty level headed and wants whats best for her daughter, she could have just cut contact with all of you, but she didn't.

My DS1 still see's his paternal grandparents but not his father, his choice I may add, and I have never stopped him seeing his father, but he chose a long time ago that his dad wasn't really that bothered in seeing him. However he has a lovely relationship with the rest of his F family and they have always made him feel included in the family.

RealityKicksArse · 24/07/2010 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pithyslicker · 24/07/2010 08:27

Just a different angle- my brothers ex used to stop him from having contact with his dd. But would allow one of my siblings contact ( and not let me,my brother or my parents have contact) she did it to cause trouble in our family. I suppose it depends on who you believe.
Is it a control thing or is your brother an arse?

Original poster
PlumBumMum · 24/07/2010 10:08

OMG thanks everyone,

Yes my brother is an arse, and he has told me many lies BUT he is very good with his dd when he has her,

He tells me he asks to see her, and her mum says no! Then he'll say she dosen't want me in her life BUT as I said I have always been invited to birthdays etc and told I am welcome to see her I don't understand.

One of her birthdays, I went and at this stage my brother was seeing her but said he wasn't invited to the party.
Half way through the party dns mum said where is he? I told her he thought he wasn't allowed to come, she said he was!
The stories are always complete opposites I never know who to believe.

I could understand if she didn't want him in her dds life as he has absolutely no respect for her whats so ever, but she tells me she does.

So when I try to reason with him he just gets really narky, so I know it is impossible for her to have a normal conversation with him.

I'll arrange to see her and ignore whats going on around me

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumBumMum · 24/07/2010 10:10

Sorry Mean't brother says dn mum dosen't want him in her life BUT she tells me the opposite

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 24/07/2010 10:14

I think that is an excellent decision. You are clearly a fabulous Aunty

PfftTheMagicDragon · 24/07/2010 10:18

Think about your niece, not about your brother. He is a grown up and can take care of himself.

Your niece does not understand the complexities of adult relationships, all she knows is that she loves these people. See her, and stay out of the arguments between them.

pinemartina · 24/07/2010 11:13

Yes,great decision,PBM. Your niece is lucky to have you as her Aunty.

Maristella - good to hear from you!Don't want to hijack this thread,but think I will post an update. I am on skype if you want to chat!

purpletrees · 24/07/2010 11:21

Am not quite a single parent, but DH walked out for some time earlier this year.

I was and still am happy for my DCs to have contact with MIL and FIL when DH had an affair and did a runner.

I def think you should keep contact with your niece and her mum. Your brother sounds like he has caused quite a few problems over the years and it would be nice for you to be a nice aunt to his DD.

CarGirl · 24/07/2010 11:24

I think carry on seeing your dn and being friendly and helpful to her Mum.

I would talk to her Mum and just explain "I really don't have clue what is going on, I like you. love neice and am happy to help you at et but lets just keep brother out of the discussion and then whatever happens in the future he can't play us off against one another"

Do you think you could have that sort of conversation with her?

That means if your brother asks you anything you can honestly hand on heart say you no nothing as you talk about him or his (lack of) contact with his dd. Do you think your brother tries to control the situation with his dn?

Meglet · 24/07/2010 11:29

yes, you should still keep in touch.

I still meet up with XP's family but he hasn't seen the dc's in over a year (we live in the same town).

I have no contact with XP and he has a strained relationship with his family now, so I have no idea what he thinks of everyone seeing the children apart from him. Even his mates see the children every so often if we bump into each other in town.