Messy family situation need some POVs, maybe from some single parents!

[PlumBumMum]

ok going to try and keep this short and sour sweet

I have a strained relationship with my family, I haven't spoke to my father for 3.5 years.
I have a brother who I try my best to get on with but he displays all my fathers traits and some.
He has a daughter as a result of a one night stand, she is now 4, he has seen her on & off over the years, and up until recently he was getting her overnight at the weekends.

Cutting to the chase
I hadn't spoke to my brother in awhile (not fell out just hadn't spoke) I rang him on his birthday and left a happy birthday message, he text me to say thanks, (this was end of June)

I commented to dh must ring db as haven't spoke to him in awhile, he must be doing something I don't approve of,

last week I had a text from nieces mum to ring her, I rang her and she said
I suppose you know db hasn't seen dniece in a couple of weeks
I said actually no haven't spoke to him in awhile
she said just letting you know dn is crying at thought of going with him and I was welcome to come and visit her anytime I wanted or take her out, and so was my mum.

She asked me not to tell my brother she had contacted me, she commented that she didn't want to go back there again, she mean't when my brother went to court to get access to dn.

So today I rang my brother and pretended I didn't know anything,
he said he wasn't seeing dn anymore and my mum & dad support him on this,
he is addiment(sp) that dns mother wants him to have nothing to do with her she is always putting up obstacles,
wheres dns mum has always told me she wants dn to know her family,

Now I don't want to be like the rest of my family and carry on like I have no niece, I want to know her and for her to know her cousins, but I find myself backing off as I am consumed with guilt that I will get to see her and my brother won't (this has happened before)
I can't have a conversation with my brother as he takes everything as a criticism and gets defensive, I don't know who is telling me the truth!

So WWYD?
Single parents even if you don't get on with your not so x do you honestly want your PFB to have a relationship with a family you hardly know?

Cargirl I have said that before and she said that is why she contacted me because she knew I have always tried to maintain some balance,
my db threatened her with SS if she didn't let him see dn (when dn was a baby) and carried out his threat, I was livid with db, but my mum & dad supported him,
at that time I had been seeing her every week and just felt soo bad as I didn't know any of it was going on, so I backed off because things were getting messy, then she invited me to dns first birthday and after that db took her to court to get access, she named as aperson she would like to mediate if need be, so I know she trusts me, but she does use me as a weapon(not the best word),
eg she will say to db ask plumbum would she let her dcs go with someone when they are crying etc

sorry she named me as a person, that should say

I think you need to itterate to her that you love your dn but to not use you against your brother because that is not fair on your neice.

I'd also tell your brother that you are not interested in their squabbles/parenting techniques but you love your dn and want to see her.

I am coming from the perspective of dn.

My dad and I have a bad relationship and I have always maintained a great relationship with my auntie (his sister). I needed that relationship as it is importnat to me to have one with SOMEONE from my dad's side. My dad has tried and failed over the years to maintain a good relationship with me or my sister, but we have always had a good relationship with our auntie.

We are adults now and still spend a lot of time with our auntie. Our dad is not part of that picture - it's totally seperate and there are no hard feelings. I think this is because it is a different kind of relationship than the father/daughter one.
She has always, as far as I'm aware, told my dad that it's up to him to build a relationship with his daughters, not her. It works.

Thanks Threelittleducks, that is lovely and what I am aiming for, it breaks my heart to think of having no contact,
even just for silly things for dn, her mum wouldn't be able to tell her the names of her great grandparents (and great great for that matter) and who they were.

I have text her this morning to arrange something next week and she has said no problems she is working Mon & Tues so any other day is fine

It is just so fustrating that my brother is willing to give up on her because he can't communicate with her mother,
and when dn is with him she dotes on him, it is so ,
and I can't believe my parents, they only have 4 gc, my dad already has no contact with mine and apparently dn has a real soft spot for my dad and he is happy to give her up as well

A therapist would have a field day with my family

Dear Plum, So sad to read your thread. I would agree with others that you build this realtionship with your niece.If there is to be a relationship with your brother it will take willingness on both sides to build, as time passes it may change. For now I would set clear boundaries with DN's mum.ie that you will not referee, take sides, be go between or whatever. Let your family do what they like, its their loss. It actually doesn't matter what they think, its the principal of one small child and her relationship with her niece. i posted here so as not to cltter other thread. love mini

small child and her relationship with her Aunty. I mean

Mini knew what you mean't, I will definitely be making the effort to see her, and think I will sit down and have chat with her mum as say and set some boundaries.

Plum whatever the situation with exh I would love the dc to have more of a relationship with his family. It's hard because they live on a different continent but they have for eg been to England and not tried to see us, they don't call or send birthday cards etc and I really wish they would for the dc sake.

So I think you should see your niece

Plum I think you should see her. We have a similar sort of situation in my family but a generation back.

My grandma's brother and his wife had one child, and then their marriage fell apart for various reasons, partly through interfering mothers on both sides. My grandma kept up contact with her niece while she was young, and when she needed somewhere to live while doing her teacher training she invited her to live with them.
Fast forward to today, and that niece (so my Dad's cousin) is part of our family when she could easily of not been. Her and my Mum are great friends, her husband is my godfather and her daughter (my second cousin) was my bridesmaid when I got married and has a whole heap of cousins that she would otherwise not know.

The people who fell out are long dead and my Dad's cousin is grateful every day that she has a loving family for herself and for her daughter, and all because her Auntie did what she thought was the right thing and kept that relationship intact.

Plum. Some thoughts re brother. As a one night stand, then he has not built any sort of relationship with his daughter's mother. No wonder communication is difficult. He will have made up in his head all sorts of stories about what she thinks of him and says about him, none of which will be based on reality.What they are both doing is gathering evidence as to how bad the other is. ( we all do this in one way or another, always waiting for the other to prove us right). Clear communication is vital especially for your niece , even if it means asking further clarifying questions. When you said ..... did you mean....etc. Until it gets clearer.
Don't mean to interfere. This may be way beyond your job as Aunty.
Good luck with it. Mini. ( in Agony Aunt mode)