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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will he ever love me?

38 replies

Annteeta · 23/07/2010 11:19

My partner of a year has never told me he loves me. About 4 weeks ago I made him say whether he did or not and he said he didn't. It cut like a knife but I had to know. We have a great relationship in many ways and he treats me better than past boyfriends who have declared love. If he can't say he loves me after a year though, I feel like he never will and I don't know if I could live with that. As a person he is very introverted, verbally inexpressive of affection or feelings and clams up when confronted making communication about difficult issues a problem. Where to go from here?

OP posts:

fizzfiend · 25/07/2010 21:53

Annteeta it completely depends on what you want. If you want marriage/babies all that stuff then this is going nowhere.

However, if all you want is a lovely time with a nice guy who treats you well, then why rock the boat?

You need to ask him if the fact that he doesn't love you means that he's not that bothered whether you still see each other or not. If he doesn't really care, probably time to bin him.

aurynne · 25/07/2010 22:19

"However, if all you want is a lovely time with a nice guy who treats you well, then why rock the boat?"

Well... I personally can't understand why any woman would want a relationship with a guy that does not love her. If all you want is a guy that treats you well... well, they are called "friends", and you can have many.

atswimtwolengths · 25/07/2010 23:51

Why do you want him to love you?

(Serious question!)

He doesn't sound your type and if he can tell you face to face that he doesn't love you, then I'd take it that he doesn't and separate.

What does he have to say to make you believe it?

I'm really, really sorry and don't mean to sound harsh but he has told you he doesn't love you - find someone who does, rather than wasting your time with him.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/07/2010 00:18

Do you love him?

Original poster

Annteeta · 26/07/2010 07:50

We're both over 40 and have no kids. Both don't want any. I couldn't imagine him going off with someone else - he never tried in 12 years and had resigned himself to singledom.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annteeta · 26/07/2010 07:50

. . . I love him to bits!

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 26/07/2010 07:59

I don't think there's any right or wrong answer here. If you want to continue the relationship, do and if it's not enough for you, don't. Maybe just go with your gut instinct about what you want to do.

BEAUTlFUL · 26/07/2010 19:11

Are you still having sex with him, going out plaes with him, talking/calling him as usual and carrying on like that conversation never happened?
Have you ever told him that you love him?

Original poster

Annteeta · 28/07/2010 07:54

We have great sex, do lots of things together and yes I guess we are carrying on like the conversation didn't take place. I told him I loved him after 3 months and a few times after that but never since the conversation. Its a weeping wound though in the background . . .

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 29/07/2010 12:27

Annteeta, you know that this isn't enough. I wasted 10 years on a man who didn't truly love me (although he said he did, and married me). He left - because men who don't love you ALWAYS LEAVE - and now I'm a single Mum to 2 kids. I can pick myself up from this spot and make things good, but that relationship really has ruined my chances of having what I wanted from my life.

This is big. This could ruin everything for you. He might bugger off tomorrow, or next year, or when you're 50 with nowhere to go. If he doesn't love you now he never will.

The best chance you have of saving this relationship is to show some spine and leave him. A few weeks of absolute SILENCE from you might make him realise what he's got and how he feels. But your staying there and carrying on, both of you knowing that converstion happened, is not an option. What's that going to show him? That you're happy to stay with him no matter what.

Love is essential in a relationship, it's not optional.

gettingeasier · 29/07/2010 16:36

Annteeta listen to Beautiful the same thing happened to me only I spent 17 years with exh and try not to see it as a waste

The suggestion of leaving to shock him into a realisation may work but either way I would advise leaving. Your description on him emotionally suggests he may be incapable of love and life is too short to soldier away at trying to get someone to love you,trying to be get their attention and approval which is where this is heading if it isnt what you are already doing.

Sorry

Lizzabadger · 29/07/2010 18:03

I don't know, Aunteeta. It is pretty tough to find men to go out with past 40, in my experience, and this relationship sounds like it has a lot going for it. If you pack it in there is a chance you will find someone you love who loves you back but a much bigger chance you will end up alone or no better off. You have to weigh it all up.

gettingeasier · 29/07/2010 19:15

Lizzabadger

If,because he is uncommunicative on emotional things,he had just not told you he loved you then ok . However he has said he does not , that would cut me like a knife too.

I left my self esteem behind in my marriage without even realising and lost me in the process.This will happen to you to Annteeta if you stay with him knowing the chasm in feelings and I predict it will become a bigger and bigger issue in your mind.

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