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Relationships

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Original poster

Will he ever love me?

38 replies

Annteeta · 23/07/2010 11:19

My partner of a year has never told me he loves me. About 4 weeks ago I made him say whether he did or not and he said he didn't. It cut like a knife but I had to know. We have a great relationship in many ways and he treats me better than past boyfriends who have declared love. If he can't say he loves me after a year though, I feel like he never will and I don't know if I could live with that. As a person he is very introverted, verbally inexpressive of affection or feelings and clams up when confronted making communication about difficult issues a problem. Where to go from here?

OP posts:

needafootmassage · 23/07/2010 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamaloco · 23/07/2010 11:38

I am going to be quite blunt, but no, he will probably never. He might get confortable with you and like his life uncomplicated, but he will probably never love you.
I stayed 5 years with someone in the past who never said once that he loved me. (I wasn't hoping he would do it either) The most he did was to offer to live together for a trial, it never happen as he cheated on me in between (complicated). Anyway some people are like that, probably with good reason too. If you want more you should probably openly talk to him about what you both want and take it from there.
You can try writing to him about how you feel and what you expect from your relationship, and ask him to write back. Sometime it is easier to not to be in front of the person when pouring your hart out.

But if you are happy now, why change? Is he treating you like someone special or is he treating and acting with you like any girl he knows?
It could also be love but he doesn't know it

Original poster

Annteeta · 23/07/2010 12:13

Before he met me, he hadn't had a girlfriend in 12 years. The previous one left him for someone else and I think he lost confidence. He told me that he had resigned himself to being single for good. I am the first woman he has ever lived with as a GF.

OP posts:

Confusedsoul · 23/07/2010 13:00

Hmm. I think the fact he says he doesn't is the worst thing. Like needafootmassage says, it could be that he is confused about the idea of love and thinks it means 'forever' which perhaps he isn't willing to say yet. I also second that you need to talk more about the whole relationship and where you both see it going.

For the record I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he hasn't said it. I haven't said it to him either even though I really do. I feel like he does, he treats me well and makes me feel very loved... but again, he's in his mid thirties and has never had a relationship last this long or lived with anyone, etc.

Good luck...I know sometimes you just want to hear them say it!

mamaloco · 23/07/2010 13:07

So you are special then?
To be honnest, with hindsight, I think my ex- did love me a bit (the best he could). He would probably have said "No, I don't love you" if I had asked him directly.
You have a lot to think about before talking/writting to your DP. What do you want and what you are willing to live with. If he doesn't say "I love you" but is the best BF you ever had, may be it is worth sticking with him and taking is kisses and small gestures as an "I love you". Or if you really need more show and talking, you have a tough decision to make.
good luck

SolidGoldBrass · 23/07/2010 15:59

Is it possible that you are wanting him to be something he's not? ie demonstrative, 'romantic' etc? If he is kind to you and enjoyable to be with, don't get hung up on the romantic slop side of things.

OR is the problem that you are of an age that you are thinking marriage/babies and want to know if those are on the agenda or not?

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/07/2010 16:12

I think there is often a tendency to place more importance on words than on actions. If his actions tell you that he cares for you, loves you even, then perhaps you've actually got something pretty good? Only you can know that though.

My "whateverthebloodyhellheis" didn't tell me that he loved me for probaby two years but he treated me (then) better than anyone else had and I felt loved and cared for. I told him that I loved him fairly early on (after about 8 months) to which he said "Oh, that's very nice" or something equally banal.

He actually used to tell me that he didn't love me too. Now he says it quite frequently but, quite frankly, our relationship is on its last legs (if it even has any legs left). Not that this is relevant to your situation (sorry, just venting).

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/07/2010 16:25

This is not the time to 'accept a challenge' you will be chasing that prize forever, hang on in there long enough and he'll get so used to you he'll never leave.

Is that ALL you want for yourself? Not that he loves you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, only that you have put in the time and he's used to you?????

Eventually he'll think he ought to have some kids.... you'll be there waiting like a labrador at his knee... you have kids, and he prattles on with his life, not emotionally invested in you OR the family.

Relationships are hard enough, even when you do both set out with the starry eyes all consuming love and passion. But to start out a serious long term relationship when one really isn't that into or head over heels for the other... Relationship and Mental Health Suicide....

DON'T SETTLE for this, be adored, be loved and be cherished, it wears off a little anyway, but if it's not there in the beginning....

Two scenarios: One, that he's damaged by the girl that left him after 12 years.... (why did she leave him?? was he the same with her???)

In which case he's emotionally unavailable and in need of counselling and will need to do a lot of work to find how to love again.

Two: the other scenario is that he just isn't that into you.

After a year, tbh, it's time for you to move on. Why should you be left with someone incapable of loving you.

Ooh, another possibility.. you tell him it's over, you leave and he gets the kick up the arse he needs to realise he does love you.

If he doesn't then you are out anyway aren't you.

Stop wasting your time, and stop him wasting your life. Find your BLISS!!!

SolidGoldBrass · 23/07/2010 19:00

Whos idea was it for you to live together, BTW? I am wondering if this is a rather passive bloke being steamrollered into a far more 'committed relationship' than he wants, and he's rebelling (in an admittedly rather feeble way) by telling you he doesn't actually love you.

sixesandsevens · 23/07/2010 20:13

Love is just a word at the end of the day, what would you expect him to be doing if he did 'love' you?

Do you think he behaves towards you in a way that you would associate with 'loving' someone?

If you don't think he treats you the way you want to be treated then finish the relationship. But that's got nothing to do with whether he says 'love' or not.

BEAUTlFUL · 24/07/2010 15:13

There's a BIG difference between a bloke who doesn't sy ILY and a bloke who says I don't love you".

He doesn't love you. He has told you, to your face, straight out, that he doesn't love you.

It's time to leave! Why on Earth would you live with a man who doesn't love you?

HotSprocket · 24/07/2010 15:28

Your Dp sounds very like mine. He has very rarely told me he loves me and has trouble expressing feelings, also clams up at any serious emotional chat.

But i am happy because i feel loved, i don't in any way feel like i am settling for second best just because he doesn't say the words.

The fact that he has said he doesn't love you is an issue though. Maybe try talking to him about what he thinks love is? Is he maybe scared to say it for some reason?

I would say if you are happy and feel cared for and wanted then stay with him, if you feel miserable then get out.

Original poster

Annteeta · 25/07/2010 11:51

It was my idea to live together but I don't think it was a case of steam rollering. He was paying rent in a house share but was living at my house practically and I was on a tight budget so it made sense. I do tend to make all the moves re planning because if I didn't we would never go anywhere or get anything done. We're both over 40 so babies aren't an issue. Before he met me he drank more (too much), was quite depressive at times and had a very insular life, rarely venturing out of town. He seems much brighter now in general and has travelled and experienced much more and I think he is genuinely pleased about that.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/07/2010 12:27

It sounds a bit as though he has settled, rather than you.

It all depends what you want from a relationship. Do you want to be with someone who can't discuss emotions and feelings, or will this be a running sore? Do you need to be with someone who clearly adores you?

Also, I think the problem with the person who settles (him in this case) is that he is vulnerable to meeting someone whom he really will love and adore, sometime down the line.

QueeferSutherland · 25/07/2010 12:33

If you need to ask the answer is No, I'm afraid.

Find someone that makes you feel loved, then semantics won't matter.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2010 13:07

You sound like you see him as a project, or a pet you are training, and that you expect him to 'love' you out of gratitude. TBH I think he probably resents you a little bit now and will come to resent you more the more demands you make. The sort of relationship where one partner is busy remodelling the other tends not to last forever, the remodelled partner starts asserting him/her self and it all goes wrong.

Gay40 · 25/07/2010 13:10

No, he won't. Shuffle him out and move on.

Original poster

Annteeta · 25/07/2010 14:52

Why would he resent me? I can't see that he has anything to resent me for.

OP posts:

zazen · 25/07/2010 14:58

Another vote for he won't.

BUT it's not your fault! HE doesn't love you!
That does not mean you are unloveable.

Dump him and get someone worthwhile. Just MHO.

Coolfonz · 25/07/2010 15:05

"Before he met me, he hadn't had a girlfriend in 12 years"

Oh dear. Loner? Porn obsessed? Nerd? Massively overweight? All of the above?

ThatVikRinA22 · 25/07/2010 15:17

another vote for move on because he has actually said he does not love you.

one sure fire way of finding out is to end it.

Gay40 · 25/07/2010 20:42

I don't know if he resents you. Only that he doesn't love you, and unless you want a fuckbuddy, he is not the man for you.

Sammyuni · 25/07/2010 21:09

You know it might be that after being left for another man by his ex he is being very careful about giving too much of himself in your relationship he might fear being left again so by not saying 'I love you' he does not feel so vulnerable. Also you say that he is not expressive person but you feel you have a great relationship and he treats you well.

Keep going and see what happens sometimes it is best to judge by actions rather than words.

skidoodly · 25/07/2010 21:15

How old are you? Do you have any children? Do you want any (more)?

I mean, you could stick around hoping he'll start loving you at some point, or you could be really, really nice to him and bend yourself out of shape to keep him happy so that he stays with you even though he doesn't love you.

Neither of those sound attractive, but you might fancy it if you've got loads of time on your hands to waste pissing about in a one-sided relationship.

Otherwise don't bother.

PeppermintPasty · 25/07/2010 21:28

Coolfonz, you're so subtle, I love it...

FWIW, I misread your post OP and thought he just couldn't/didn't SAY he loved you in words . He's actually said he doesn't?? Not good imo

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