Don't trust my husband

[1000cals]

He often goes out after work - and I never really know where he is or what he's doing. He was out last night until 1am. He only gives me the sketchiest explanation when I ask him where he's been. ie. 'A work do'. And if I ask why he got back so late he gives vague replies like, 'It just really went on. I was chatting.' etc etc.

In the past I've found cards from girls - but it's ambiguous as to if anything has actually happened. And when he comes back from business trips he often has photos of his female 'work colleagues'.

He's a really good liar as I've seen him lie brilliantly to other people. So I don't trust the answers that he gives me. We've been together 10 years and have 4 children. What should I do?

Chuck him. Because even if he's not cheating on you:

He's a good liar who lies regularly to people
He doesn't feel the need to come home and share in family life or spend time with his children
He doesn't feel that he needs to tell you where he is or when he'll be back
He's certainly at least flirting with other women, very regularly, if he's got photographs and cards from them

All of that, in one short post, shows a staggering lack of respect for you, and indeed for other people. What are you, an unpaid skivvy? Why is it alright for him to spend all his time away from you, socialising, without a thought for you at home with four children? Does he stay home with them some evenings so you can go out with friends? Would he put up with you going out several nights a week and coming home at 1am, leaving him to care for four young kids?

Sit him down and tell him how you feel. If all is innocent then he might get upset but you can say that's how you feel and perhaps he could spend a bit more time on your relationship and less on his workmates.

If he's lying, it sounds like you know how to tell.

Are there any good things about your relationship? becasue I ahve to say, I tend to agree with tortoise.

Hi ToirtoiseOTHS - He doesn't go out all that regularly, but when he does - about once a month - it's often a really big night with people that I don't know.

He does stay at home if I want to go out - but to be honest with 4 children it's not like I've got a roaring social life to get back to these days.

Hi ButoonMoon78 - I probably should sit him down - but I can't really tell when he's lying and I think, Am I just being paranoid about this.

Hi Quality - If I do chuck him I need to prove he's been cheating on me to get a good settlement. What do I do? Hire a private investigator to get some evidence?

I don't want to be divorced and at home on my own with no money.

I'm currently reading a book called 'when your lover is a liar' by Susan Forward, I've not finished it yet but so far it's given me some useful insights into certain behaviours, might be worth a read for you too?

I got it for something silly like 87p second hand on Amazon

Sorry, should have said useful insight into certain behaviours and my reaction to them and the effects and consquences of that.

I'm only about halfway through but it identifies different types of liars, their behaviour and likely outcome of relationships with them.

1000cals - if you're in the UK the parties' behaviour makes no difference to what you would get if you divorced. If you found he was cheating that would give you a reason to divorce him, but won't affect your entitlement.

Hi Akhems - I've read articles about how to tell if somebody is lying. My husband always fulfills all the criteria, but I'm wary about reading an article/book and coming to lots of conclusions that may or may not be true.

Right, from "often goes out after work" I was envisaging a lot more than once a month! So actually he's home with you 29 nights a month?

If he's only out once a month I think that's a whole different thing, really, and unlikely that there's an affair unless he also works very suspiciously long hours. Can you get hold of him during these nights out? With four children, I'd imagine it was important to you that you can contact him in an emergency, I'd never go out without telling my husband where I was.

Apart from this issue, are you happy with him? Do you feel that it's an equal marriage, that he treats you with respect, that he has your best interests at heart?

It doesn't matter if he's been cheating on you, you could state unreasonable behaviour if he is out eveyr night and not helping out.
The reason has nothing to do with the settlement. I woudl contact CAB if I were you before making a decision/ultimatum so you knwo where you stand. I do feel for you though, it must be hard, but it's not fair on you to be sitting home waiting for him, nobber.

100cals, I only suggested the book because I've found it helpful in recognising a pattern and working out what's really going on.

I fully understand that you're wary of drawing conclusiongs that might not be there, I'm the same way.

It's just so tricky - in many ways he's a caring loving man. But because of this one thing I just don't trust him and that undermines everything else.

He's probably just a serial flirt - but I don't know if that makes things better or worse. He makes me feel stupid for questioning him, so I avoid it as it leads to a dead end.

I don't want to get divorced - particularly if this is just paranoia on my part. But on the other hand - how do I find out what is the truth?

I'm sorry to say but speaking from someone whose husband did have an affair. His behaviour does seem to tick the boxes. Can you look for incontrovertible evidence? Such as phone bills, credit card statements etc in a careful way?

If you confront him he will lie I suspect, if he is having an affair. But it is well worth sitting down and having an honest chat again about how you feel and trying to make more time for each other and doing nice things together. Trying to build on your marriage and this will improve self esteem and ease any paranoia, if your feelings are unfounded. If he can find a way to be more transparent and take your fears seriously, he is a good man. Try and talk to him.

This book has been very helpful to me. I've lent it out to somebody, so I cannot go and look but she has a section on how to tell if your H is having an affair, but the book overall was incredibly helpful to me. Even if he's not having an affair you may find it helpful to read it anyway.

Whenwillifeelnormal is often on threads like this and will no doubt arrive later with some very good advice.

Just seen your most recent post, makes me think he maybe gaslighting you. I hope I'm wrong...

Oh sorry, he only goes out once a month?

Does he go away on lots of business trips, work late? Or is he just not a big talker?

Once a month? I don't think that's that unreasonable tbh, especially if he is good in other respects.
Are there any other reasons you think he is cheating?

Teaandcakeplease - he's not a big talker in general - I find even the most basic facts tricky to get out of him. Not sure why he's like that - just naturally not communicative I suppose.

Quality - it's all circumstantial stuff. His phone is always on silent - or very quiet. He never lets his phone out of his sight. And he often gets text messages in the middle of the night. For instance last night he tiptoed in (sheepishly) at 1am and an hour later I heard his phone ping with a text message. Who could be texting him at 2am?? My worst thoughts is that is whoever he's spent the evening with - and I don't think it's a bunch of guys.

I checked his phone when he was in the shower this morning and he must have already deleted the message as there was nothing on it from that late.

Am I sounding paranoid?

well, without being blunt, if you dont want to get divorced you need to talk to him. Not us.

Sit him down, talk to him and ask him.

Explain how you feel.

Ask him to modify his behaviour

That is your only cause of action if you do not want to be on your own.

One post says you would need proof to get a good settlement and then you say you don't want to divorce him yet various posts in between you talk about his good qualities.

You really need to be talkign to him and woring out just what you DO want.

BigBadMummy - I like your no-nonsene approach. However, emotions aren't rational. And I'm feeling very emotional.

Of course he has good qualities too - otherwise I wouldnt be with him if it were all bad.

I'm feeling cross and jealous and confused. I don't trust him - but is that my problem and paranoia? Or is it well founded?

You're completely right - I should be talking to him. But surely friends/online advice is part of the sounding board and process of understanding what's actually happening.

My H behaved like you, look for evidence. Not necessarily to divorce but then you can confirm your suspicions or realise they're unfounded.

ok - will search pockets - check through receipts etc. What else?

I don't think getting a text at 2a.m. after a night out, which is the next morning, deleted is circumstancial at all. I think along with all the other things, but most of all your instincts, it points to an affair. In which case what ever you do, don't confront.

Find your evidence first and then decide what you want to do.

BTW, people are vague when they want to pretend they are not lying.