Don't trust my husband

[1000cals]

He often goes out after work - and I never really know where he is or what he's doing. He was out last night until 1am. He only gives me the sketchiest explanation when I ask him where he's been. ie. 'A work do'. And if I ask why he got back so late he gives vague replies like, 'It just really went on. I was chatting.' etc etc.

In the past I've found cards from girls - but it's ambiguous as to if anything has actually happened. And when he comes back from business trips he often has photos of his female 'work colleagues'.

He's a really good liar as I've seen him lie brilliantly to other people. So I don't trust the answers that he gives me. We've been together 10 years and have 4 children. What should I do?

The phone bills will be your biggest source of evidence.

I dunno, Orange pings me at 2am every few days - they keep having to reboot my Blackberry service, and when it comes back on they send a message. The message tells you to delete it, then restart the phone.

Your feelings tell you more than facts here, OP. Dig if you need to. Would it be possible for you to explain why you're feeling like this? Is there other stuff going on in your relationship?

I was stuck in similiar circumstances to this except my xh didn't have any nights out but was getting home from work later & later. I hired a PI & had answer within 24 hrs. If you know his habits it's easy to cut costs of PI as you'll know best times to have him watched. If you had a good friend you could trust maybe she could do this for you?

You need to be prepared before doing this though of having your world as you know it blown out of the water.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - thank you - you've kind of summarised my next logical step. If he is doing something then I want to know the facts and decide what I want to do. Then I'll have 'the chat'. If I warn him that I'm onto something then he'll get much cleverer about covering it all up.

Also - it's the vagueness that is f'ing me off. If I ask a specific question I get vague answers and he then wanders off. I totally agree that (for me in this case at least) people tend to be vague when they don't actually want to be pinned down to a lie.

It'sGraceActually - hmm interesting point about the blackberry service. Just shows that even the strangest activities can have quite a ligitimate cause.

Startingovernow - sorry to hear about your situation too. As I was lying awake last night thinking it all through I was wondering about hiring a PI. It feels a bit extreme - but at least it ends the confusion and you get an answer without feeling like you're going mad.

Can't find any phone bills. Think he must get them all emailed to him. Don't know where to look next.

I totally agree with Whenwillifeelnormal. The most important thing is to rely on your gut instinct. That is telling you that something is wrong. And you must not confront until you have more evidence as that will just alert him to the fact that you're on to him and he'll get even more sneaky and evasive.

You really need to find a mobile phone bill as that will tell you what no's he's calling/texting frequently. Otherwise how about bank statements or credit card statements?

This happened to me 10years ago and he was doing everything that you have already mentioned. Phone on silent, texts coming through at all hours that were always deleted. He even used to take his mobile in the bathroom with him when he was having a shower. I used to go through his bank statements too and found payments for restaurants that he hadn't taken me to.

The only thing is that if he is going out around once a month then it doesn't really seem to give him time to be having an affair. Does he work late regularly?

The other thing to consider is that he might not be having an actual affair but perhaps using phone sex chat lines? That could account for the late night texts and him not wanting to leave his phone out of sight perhaps?

He probably does online billing. Do you have access to his E mails to see the password set? Does your internet browser save passwords - you might be able to find one for the phone company. If you can find one, log into the phone company, type in the phone number on my account and then enter the password. Otherwise, where would he write passwords down or would he memorise them?

Next time you can get access to the phone too, check the log, photo gallery and hidden folders, such as the template folder or messages saved to SIM. Lock yourself in the loo while you are doing this too.

This all sounds terribly sneaky, but people are driven mad with suspicion and that eats away far more than knowledge, one way or the other.

Rollergirl1 - sorry to hear that you've been in a similar situation too. Thanks for all the tips.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - when he's next in the shower I'm going to go through his phone in great detail. I hadn't thought of the log - that's a good idea. You're right about the suspicion - I do feel like I'm going a bit bonkers.

1000cals, I know how the suspicion laying in bed at night can be destroying. I wasn't able to access xh's phone as he always kept it switched off! I did however find a way to access his voice mails. I'm not sure if I should be typing this but if you put a 5 before the number it will bring you straight to voicemail & you may or may not have to enter a password. Passwords are usually something logical such as dob etc.

The PI ended up being the only alternative for me as I just couldn't come up with proof & couldn't live with ending my marriage on a maybe. A word of warning though, despite having photographs & other damning evidence my xh tried to lie his way out of it. He was so convincing that I actually nearly believed him & started to have doubts about the PI . Be prepared these men can be v convincing liars.........

Word of warning if you do the 5 thing his mobile will show a missed call from you so you need to block your number.

Sorry, another word of advice, check his car. If he's being unfaithful he may have condoms stashed in spare tyre compartment or elsewhere in car.

Thanks so much for all the tips - I'm going to try to work this whole thing out and get to the bottom of it.

What sort of phone does he have? I've got an I-phone and the email alert sounds very like a text alert. I often get crappy marketing emails in the middle of the night and immediately delete them.

I know this thread was started some time ago but if 1000cals is out there, how did things turn out? I'm concerned that there was a lot of advice on this thread to escalate the secret investigations into your DH's activities when there could have been perfectly legitimate explanations for all of them.

I have a friend who is being snooped on at the moment and she is doing nothing wrong. She gets text messages occasionally in the middle of the night (from her service provider or just from a wrong number), which she gets into trouble for. She also socialises with people her DP doesn't know and as it causes ructions with her DP, she is going out less and less. He accuses her of giving vague answers to his questions and can't understand how she might not remember details about certain situations. He's convinced she's cheating on him and she's adapting her behaviour (wrongly, I believe) to try and appease him. I ask her, "If he's so convinced you're having an affair, why doesn't he just leave you?". Sexual jealousy is a dangerous thing.

If you did continue your investigations and they unearthed damning evidence, then you have my every sympathy.

I hope you reply back with an update.