Backwards question

[onedaylikethis]

I'm a guy but I need some advice and my mates just don't really seem to help with complex issues such as this.

Married for a couple of years, dw (i'm guessing thats the opposite of dh ) is fantastic - mainly. We've got a good strong open relationship but there's an issue brewing between us around sex. There i said it, man thats feels good.

Anyway, basically I feel like I am almost pestering her to have sex maybe once a week. Its almost always me initiating it and when i try and talk about it its like it hasn't dawned on her that its a problem, she says she feels like it but just can;t be bothered. She is very practical and down to earth and not a dreamy/feelings sort of person. She's pretty inhibited as well in a lot of ways but doesn;t seem all that eager to 'try' things in bed. Look I know its not Friday and I'm definitely not heading towards the bumsex thread here, just general fun stuff. I dunno, its weird/confusing for me. In all other respects we are absolute equals, in our relationship i can be myself. Maybe i have a problem with the way i go about this but I'm starting to worry about it and thats not good. I just want to try and talk about it in a way thats not accusing her of having an issue. As background i had a previous, erm, dp who was a bit the same and i'm starting to think that maybe its me. Which of course it could be.

Help

How much housework do you do?

Heaps, i cook most of the time and do all the hoovering, which reading some other threads seems to make me stand out as a decent bloke

In all seriousness this is a genuine question. I do my fair share of everything, we have a pretty equal and in all other senses open communicative relationship but this bit theres a blockage and I'm not convinced I can work out why or indeed how to broach it. Its not like we don't have time, i'm a semi-pro athlete so generally while a bit whacked from training and trying to run my business have spare time on my hands while dw has a fulfilling but busy career. Its bothering me though

Have you tried asking her how she feels? Maybe she feels under pressure to be up for it or that its just about the physical act? Also its worth remembering the emotional element for women can be a bigger issue than for blokes. Perhaps try a more round about route (titter ye not! ) Back massages, cuddling up in front of the telly, mutual back scrubbing in the bath /shower etc. Take a bit of time to find out what she likes and maybe to give her a chance to feel more relaxed rather than heading straight for the main event.

You might be in for a surprise at just how interested a woman can be in sex if she is comfortable with herself

Tell her how you feel. Say "I feel like I'm pestering you to have sex, I don't like feeling this way, and I don't know what to do about it." This is a non-accusing way of putting it, and puts the focus on your feelings, not her behaviour. Hopefully this will encourage her to take you seriously - it sounds like she hasn't got the message. If she brushes it aside, say how you feel again and keep saying it. Then hopefully you can have an honest discussion about how you both feel and how you can resolve things.

Try romancing her, as though you were trying to date her. Flirt a bit with her, make her laugh. WITH NO PRESSURE.

wait until you marry and have kids. It will only get worse my friend, regardless of how much housework, gardening, shopping and romantic stuff..... you do. Sometimes, just sometimes energy levels are diff. Simple as that.

Ta - GG - I like that, i'm a bit sh1t at saying things sometimes, i try but...

The thing is we do a lot of 'romance' type stuff, dates, we flirt a lot, there is a lot of physical contact, she's bloody hot and she says that I am too and makes it clear by touching me a lot. She talks about sex and things reasonably frequently but actually, i dunno, sealing the deal can be a bit hard. She says its not that she doesn't want to its just that she can;t be bothered. But truth told, that makes me feel even worse about it. I actually think that its partly because she isn't confident but if thats the case we need to talk about it openly. I'll try opening the can of worms this evening and see what happens.

Are you a good and considerate lover?
I never wanted to do it with my ex because he was crap in bed. Very crap.

do you know how was she in her previous relationships?

Also, is there anything that could be lowering her libido? On the pill? Very tired from work?
Do you think she orgasms when you have sex?

I'm an incredible lover. WTF do you expect me to say ? "I'm prety shit and can barely get my cock out my pants before i blow my load and fall asleep just pausing only to fart on her leg".
I'd give myself a 7/10, could try harder
Dunno what she was like before but i would suspect much the same based on the fact that its a guess.
She was ill on and off a while ago with a viral thing and that did affect her libido for sure, as in she was knackered and it preyed on her mind. Now though, all guns blazing.

so which aspect of love making can't she be bothered about?
you said she likes cuddles and touching...
is that what is satisfying her?

Hmmmmm..........
Go away for a bit with your mates, have a life outside of your marriage, stop asking her for a bit. See if that makes her miss you. I am not saying play hard to get or anything silly, just that you seem to be thinking a bit too hard about this problem and maybe you are a bit clingy? if not, apologies...but it can be very off-putting to have your man hanging onto your every word. You need a bit of balance.
Also are you sure you are being romantic in the way she likes. Not all women, well no-one I know, likes chocs and roses. What men think is flirting, alot of women find annoying....
This is what I want my h to do:
Run me a bath and then leave me alone. No stupid questions about where he put his keys, what there is to eat(look in the fridge FGS), can he use the loo (Grrrrrrr) and where his blue shirt is. Do not talk to me for one whole hour.
Then do not pester me. Do not kiss me. Do not touch me. I will think about it tomorrow.

GeekGirl's advice was good, I think. Do give it a try - if you let this sort of thing trundle along, it can get much worse. Hope she gives you a workable answer!

No need to be rude. You asked a question, I was posing a possibility.

Goodness You perked up an old lady's libido there, SAF! ... and then I pictured the reality, with about 90% of the men who've bestowed cunnilingus upon me

OP, you might like to adapt SAF's wonderful advice there, to whatever sexual activity you know gives her pleasure! (Umm, your missus that is, not SAF.)

YY to the explicit conversation, too.

I think you just have to accept that most men have a higher sex drive than most women (probably going to get flamed for that but never mind). You have to accept that you won't get to have sex every time you want to, but also your wife has to accept that she shouldn't say no to sex every time she doesn't want to (if that makes sense)

Also, how do you go about pursuing your wife for sex. My husband is sometimes way to direct, ie just comes out and asks, or jumps straight in. It's better to start off with some non-sexual affection so that she's already a bit up for it before you make your move.

Ok OP here's my take on your situation.

She had an illness that made her very tired. During that time you probably didn't have much sex. In general, the less you have, the less you want (at least this tends to be true for women).

Now she's not ill, but she is probably pretty tired from work, more so than you are. She doesn't dislike sex, but she has realised she can live without it, and sleep is just a more attractive option a lot of the time.

I'm speculating of course. But if I'm right, then here are my suggestions.

When do you initiate sex? Is it always at bedtime? Maybe she's tired then. Try it one weekend afternoon instead, when she's not so tired. And go for low effort positions (low effort for her) not athletic sex. Expect to do most of the work yourself!

Do you initiate it with no "build up" during the day (iyswim). If so try being more affectionate, flirty etc during the day (I know you say you do this - but do it more!).

Compliment her LOADS. Tell her she is sexy. Tell her you love her bum/shoulders/backs of her knees/the way she smells. Honestly that will do wonders if she has low confidence.

And above all - talk to her. As someone suggested above, put it exactly the way you put it here "I feel I'm pestering you, I don't like feeling that way, what do you think I should do differently". She may have some suggestions of her own...

SAF! Don't want to turn this into an apology-fest but you didn't offend me! Far from it!