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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he a selfish git or am I over-reacting?

40 replies

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 22:34

DP has just started a job which means he is only going to be home at weekends. This means I am going to be home alone with 2yo DC every evening. I'll be responsible for all the domestics, all the child care and doing a p/t job. I will have very little opportunity to do anything else and I'm going to have boring evenings in front of the telly to look forward to!
I think he is being very selfish but he has gone ahead and done it anyway.
What do you think?

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/07/2010 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2010 22:37

Erm, I don't think he is a selfish git for supporting his family

But I do sympathise...my DH used to work away during the week and I used to cry with that hemmed-in feeling of being at home with small children

Is he generally a good bloke, and will take lots of pressure off you when he is home ?

ninah · 20/07/2010 22:38

First and foremost, step away from the telly!
seriously, you can cope and more. If his reasons are for the long term future of your family then good for him
are they?

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 22:41

He already had a job supporting his family, this is just a different job that he wanted to do. No better off financially.
He is a decent bloke but he is very lazy so we will have to see if he pulls his weight at weekends...

OP posts:

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 22:43

I know that I can cope, my issue is that I have not been given a choice about whether or not I want to be in this situation.
Maybe years down the line he will have a better job but he could have waited until this job came up nearer to home couldn't he?

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AnyFucker · 20/07/2010 22:45

If he didn't discuss the implications fully with you, then you have a right to feel pissed off

Is there a subtext here though, you seem a bit terse about him

bran · 20/07/2010 22:46

It depends on how much of a choice he had. My DH is a contractor and generally has plenty of choice in his contracts. Left to himself he would take the most interesting job no matter where it was (although he would probably remain within Europe). He needs firm but fair pressure to the testicular area to make it worth his while taking a job that is a bit less interesting but much closer to home.

I remember that he took a contract in Amsterdam when DS was 3yo and it was really difficult. I ended up leaving my job because timings were so tight for drop off and pick up. DS was the one who suffered the most though, he used to howl on a Sunday night when DH left.

ninah · 20/07/2010 22:46

Seems a bit odd that he took job without discussing it with you
To be fair my perspective is of a lone p who works full time and have limited experience of domestic help
but my life is certainly not boring
I would suggest you arrange regular free time for yourself at weekends to do something you like

bran · 20/07/2010 22:48

Sorry, crossed with your post about it being his choice. He sounds like my DH tbh, a workaholic. My DH isn't allowed to do it now, he had to sign a contract with me that limits his time abroad (amongst other things) in order for me to agree to a second DC.

uggmum · 20/07/2010 22:53

My dh works away during the week . I look after the dcs and work part time.

At first I found this hard but I am used to it now (it's been 4 years). It's not ideal, I would prefer him to be at home all the time but this is not possible.

Although your dp has taken a new job on the same money, ultimately, he may feel that this particular job may lead to a better job with more money in the future.

I do understand your frustration. I would be annoyed if he hadn't discussed it fully with me.

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 22:54

He brought the idea up once before he applied for the job and originally I said that I didn't mind him applying, but, before he had his interview I made it clear that I had changed my mind. Once he was offered the job I made it very clear again that I was not happy. At both of these stages he could have taken a step back and let the job go but he didn't.
I;m not sure if I have a sub text or not, I'm too annoyed to think straight. That's why I have posted on here.
I am worried that DC will howl on Sunday nights too!

OP posts:

ninah · 20/07/2010 22:57

ah nezzi do feel for you
that really is
how old are your dc?

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 23:03

The problem with having me time at the weekends is that we will see even less of each other.
I appreciate that these are the problems of LPs, I was raised in a LP household so I understand, but this is not what I signed up for and I haven't been given any choice.
While he will be living the life of a single man during the week with the opportunity for a social life and not having to do the morning rush with our DC and nursery etc, I will be a bored, stressed "single" mum!

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bran · 20/07/2010 23:03

If possible try and get your DH to get up very early on a Monday morning instead. He'll probably grumble about it, my DH did, but it means he'll be there for an extra bedtime every week.

Before we had DC my DH once phoned me at work on a Thursday to say that he had been offered a job in Berlin and would be starting on the following Monday. It was a 6 month contract that lasted nearly 3 years in the end as they kept renewing it.

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 23:05

I only have one DC, he's 2.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 23:08

That's a good idea Bran, an early start is the least he can do! 3 years in Berlin, how did your family cope?

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ninah · 20/07/2010 23:08

ds should adapt then
but yes I would be and in your shoes too and find it hard not to resent this decision
thing is, it has been made so I would focus on how you can make the best of things
see your point about weekends
think you need a heart to heart with dp when you are feeling a bit less of the red mist

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 23:09

Uggmum, how do you spend your weekends? Do you have help during the week?

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bran · 20/07/2010 23:11

Berlin was pre-DC so it wasn't that bad. It was odd having to pack everything into the weekend though, all the arguments and sex. It was as I imagine a hot-blooded Mediterrean marriage to be.

ninah · 20/07/2010 23:12

so no you are not over-reacting! take care

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 23:18

I am trying very hard to focus on the fact that there is nothing that I can do to change the situation; I need to make the best of it and do whatever I need to do to get by. The problem with that is that I will become more independent and begin to feel as tho I can manage without him...
I would never have done this to him, so selfish.

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TheCrackFox · 20/07/2010 23:20

TBH I would be pissed off.

DH is a chef and works incredibly long hours so I spend 5 evenings a week on my own. I get no help around the house or with the DCs until his days off. But....I knew that when I married him. it doesn't stop me have the odd momentary grump about it.

Sorry but he does sound selfish. If there was no financial gain and you were against the idea he must have realised that there would be some fallout over this.

Original poster

Nezzi · 20/07/2010 23:28

All of you who are in this crappy situation, what do you do at weekends? Do you have time to yourselves? Do your DPs pull their weight when they are at home?

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pluperfect · 20/07/2010 23:46

Oh, dear, sorry you are so pissed off. When my DH took a job last year, which was part of the week on the Continent, but it was after being made redundant, so it was a good chance, and he did leave it soon after.

That was when I really got into Mumsnet. We did spend weekends together(no housework from him), and DS and I both really missed him.

Hard work, I must say, and if there was a choice, and if you told him you didn't want him to do it, be really ought to make it up to you. With this kind of life, you really have to plan things in order to make anything at all happen, or else the weeks go by with no social life, either during the week or at weekends. I most regret not inviting childless friends around for supper and drinks after DS's bedtime.

Original poster

Nezzi · 21/07/2010 16:20

My childless friend over in the evenings, another good idea...

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