Is he a selfish git or am I over-reacting?

[Nezzi]

DP has just started a job which means he is only going to be home at weekends. This means I am going to be home alone with 2yo DC every evening. I'll be responsible for all the domestics, all the child care and doing a p/t job. I will have very little opportunity to do anything else and I'm going to have boring evenings in front of the telly to look forward to!
I think he is being very selfish but he has gone ahead and done it anyway.
What do you think?

What an upsetting situation. I would be livid! Does your DH normally contribute much in the way of housework and childcare during the week?

Is it reasonable for your husband to unilaterally take a course of action which could increase your workload by as much as 20 hours per week, with no financial benefit? Your DH gets to do less, you get to do a lot more!

Even if he has taken this job to improve his career propects, he should play fair. I would tell him you are happy for him to take the job provided HE pays for some help with childcare and housework during the week.

He does some cooking and we alternate putting DS to bed. I do all the other domestic drudge because I am at home more than he is.
TBH, it's not the extra work because I already do that, it's being trapped at home from 5pm every night.

Nezzi,

I had about six months of living like this with 2 v young dc and a new puppy. It was bloody hard work!

I think your DH has been extremely selfish in making this decision without a full and frank discussion with you.

Some suggestions though. Do you have anyone that could babysit in the week every now and then so you can have some 'me' time? Not necessarily a regular thing every week but once a month maybe to give you a break?

Also, it doesn't have to be just childfree friends who come around in the week. I used to have pizza / takeaway evenings with my friends as their DH's would do the bedtime routines.

Hope it all goes ok for you.

My mum will happily babysit so I'm not entirely stuck. Part of my problem is the long boring evenings, especially when winter hits! I don't think I'll be getting a puppy for company though!
I'm definately going to have to make more use of my friends; I'm just so used to be self sufficient...
It makes me respect lone parents so much more!

I've regularly had to do this throughout our marriage and there's never any discussion as that's the deal with his job - he could be anywhere in the country. But I knew that when he took this job. I agree, it's not much fun at times but it's workable.

However, I agree that for him to totally change the status quo without consultation is not on. But if you said yes then no perhaps he's hoping you'll come round to the idea? Don't shoot me, just trying for another perspective!

He isn't selfish and you are over reacting.

With the way things are now be happy he has a job.

What job is it that doesn't make you better off financially?

I have read more and you seem pretty pissed off with him. Do you want to finish with him?

MY DH regularly worked away when the kids were small. Sometimes he didn't even get home at the weekends.

You kinda get used to it and find they are "under your feet" when they are home.

Come on love, you will be ok, it's not like you've got a brood of 6 kids to look after on your own. And your mum willingly babysits.

Get a grip, I say.

my dh is often not about until after dd2 is in bed... sometimes I grumble about doing everything on my own but, in reality, it is much easier to. I find I expect him to help out when he is here... when I'm on my own I just get on and do it - happily!

Sympathy, because I know how bloody tough it is, but I do think anyone who has got a job should is lucky and should try to hold on to it, with the rollacoaster ride of a recession coming up.

(4 weeks and 2 days until I leave the island and we still haven't exchanged on the house we're buying. )

Are you definitely going to be in the same position financially? Don't underestimate how much is costs to run a second house/flat and fly back and forwards every weekend.

My best tip is to give him a bit of quiet time when he staggers in on a Friday. Don't launch into a huge list of everything that has gone wrong while he was gone, it can wait until Saturday.

Try to make being at home nicer than being away. I don't mean that in a submissive '50s wife way, just don't make it so that his working week feels a bit empty and lonely and not a welcome oasis of peace and escape from arguments and nagging.

Do get him to phone at a fixed time every day, preferably between your DC's dinner and betime, but not too close to bedtime. Do emphasise how much your DC is missing him and the developmental or cute things that he has missed seeing your DS do. Hopefully that will mean that at his next job change (and I'm guessing that he changes job fairly frequently) he will be better able to balance the needs of the whole family with the pure career focus.

Ask him how he would have felt if you had accepted a job which would mean working away all week. That might help him to see how unfair he is being.

I agree that one partner working away all week when you only have one 2 year old and a babysitting mother doesn't sound too bad (god I would love some time to myself ) but not discussing it with you first is unforgivable and surely that is the main point here.

Has he shown any sign that he understands how out of order this was? Any change of circumstances in the home surely warrants a frank and open discussion between partners first.

Even if you manage fine at home by yourself, which I'm sure you will, without some sort of understanding and (huge) apology from him, surely you are always going to feel resentment towards him?

good luck.

hi Bran... can't believe that your time has almost come. Fingers x for a smooth transfer and move etc. I'm very excited for you.

I totally agree with what Bran suggested - it can be so easy to unload on dh and resent him for not being around. My dh is away weekends and three nights - on top of working in London all week. It's about to come to an end and the girls and I are wondering how we are going to cope when he is back! We like doing our own thing.

I feel a little of what Redleaves says - my dh never consults his decisions with me. In fact, more often than not, I'm the last to know. I'm afraid I have given up worrying or getting angry... I just worry about me and my dds. He misses out by not being here.

Coventgarden, my DP was was in full time, well paid and very stable employment when he took this new job, so no, we are not financially better off and no I do not want to finish with him. I know I sound pissed off but that's a big leap!
Kiwi - I can relate to what you said, when he isn't here, i just get on with whatever needs doing rather than waiting for him so it makes things easier in that sense.
Bran - I like your idea of getting him to phone at the same time each day. He doesn't change jobs reguary though...
I am kind of in the "get on with it" mode now, I was angry when I did my OP, I still am but there's noting I can do about it so...
I know there are more discussions to be had and yes Redleaves, hopefully an apology is on the way

Been there done that, and in my case it didn't end well. I stayed home and became resentful of my apparent confinement and his apparent freedom. You two need to sit down and a have a frank chat about your expectations and responsibilities and try to come to an agreement. In my experience resentment and feeling like you're being taken for granted don't decrease but intensify.

My ex's time away was by no means the main reason we split but it did expose weaknesses in our relationship and our capacities to resolve them.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom but with hindsight I can see that the resentment, exhaustion of raising a child on my own and lack of attention to my own needs changed me.