Clearheaded, dispassionate views needed

[Msarsebiscuit]

On my marriage. I value the opinion of the MN stalwarts and I'm doubting my own - I'm not sure if I'm some sort of ridiculous, over-reacting drama queen. I will do my best to give a comprehensive but edited version and I very much appreciate your input.

Married for 15 years. He has always been less than emotionally literate - one example is that when I returned from hospital, pregnant with DD1 and told him that I had been warned that I had a condition which if not managed carefully could result in the death of either myself or DD1, he couldn't bear to turn his gaze away from sport on the tv ( he hadn't come to the appointment with me ). He had to be told later by my mother why I was upset.

There are many examples of him exhibiting this kind of behaviour but I shan't bore you with them.

He gave me no help with the DCs when they were young, doesn't cook, generally gives the wholehearted impression of not caring in the slightest about my thoughts or feelings, has given me no support in emotionally difficult times.

His mother has always disliked me ,he has never confronted her about her shabby treatment of me.

He has always had a lower sex drive than me, he doesn't like giving oral sex so hasn't gone down on me for 15 years. When I had to stop taking the pill for health reasons, rather than either have a vasectomy or buy condoms, he stopped having sex with me - that was 6 years ago. I repeatedly asked him if we could sort something out, bought sexy underwear, made suggestions - not a flicker ( or indeed a fucker ).

For many years he has not moved without his mobile, he wouldn't say who'd called late at night, save to say that it was 'work', frequently answered the phone and went into the garden to talk. It crossed my mind that he was having an affair/s but to be perfectly honest I came to the stage where I hoped there was an OW that he would run away with.

Not sounding good is it, now I come to write it down. I don't absolve myself of blame, I haven't stood up for myself properly - too busy trying to make his life easier for him.

So, any opinions welcome and thank you for reading my whingeing.

So, you have lived with him for 15 years, why its start to bother you now?

Ryma, it has bothered me for, at the very least , the last 7 years. I took my wedding vows very seriously, we had young children and I was always hopeful that he might recognise my value and start treating me with more respect and affection.

Give him the heave ho, because he is taking the micheal big time.He is not making you happy so draining your emotions,get away from this man imo.

Have you sat him down and told him in words of one syllable, exactly how you feel and that you are seriously considering leaving him?

If not, I suggest you do.

If you have and it hasn't made a difference, and you have ruled out asd, then vote with your feet.

Because it's your choice at the end of the day - live like this or leave. What you do depends on what life you want to look back on on your death bed.

Thank you for your opinions. I have expressed in the clearest possible words to him, on several occasions, my deep dissatisfaction and unhappiness. He didn't seem to take me seriously, in fact he seemed to find it relatively amusing.

sounds like he likes to annoy you, makes me think he wants a split but you to instigate.I am sorry if this comes over blunt btw

Hate to say it, but it sounds like he really doesn't care about your feelings.

Do you want to stay - things will stay the same, or do you want to go and find a life that makes you happy?

Seriously,I wouldn't bother sitting down to talk anymore. I stayed for 22 years (spent at least 10 considering whether to go,small dc etc) but was very, very glad to leave in the end. Consider carefully what you want for the next 15 years and what kind of example you want to give to your dc. Today I went to lawyer to sort out more problems andits difficult but hey,I'm more alive than I've been inthe last ten years and I want to live an authentic life now. What do you want?

He finds it amusing, you say? Pack his bags. Seriously. There's so much more to life.

Thank you all once again. I want a life where I don't feel constantly sidelined and lonely despite lying next to someone in bed. I want to regain the person I used to be, who wouldn't have tolerated being treated with less than the love and respect that I deserve. ( I also want sex but that seems a bit shallow ).

There's nothing at all shallow about wanting a normal , loving, sexual relationship with him, you want someone who loves, wants and respects you - he fails on all 3 counts.

ThatDamnDog, when he smiled as I poured my heart out to him, I swear that I could feel any residual love for him quietly ebb away.

Not shallow at all.

But that life will not come and find you. Nobody will knock on your door and give you that life.

You want it? You have to go and get it!

Malificence, I don't truthfully think it's shallow either, I think that his sexual abandonment of me is wholly indicative of his general attitude towards me, it's like I merely fulfil a role as housekeeper, cook and nanny.

gat as many ducks in a row as you can, practically speaking, and then give him the boot. he sounds horrible.

OP, my sympathies, this man doesn't sound like he's worth your time or effort, let alone the honour of sharing a marriage certificate with you.

And you haven't even said the most cliched of phrases that usually crops up on this board "but he's a great Dad and the kids love him." You said he didn't help with the dc when they were younger, how is he with them now? Am guessing they are at least 6+ yo.

From all that you say it sounds as though there is very little in your marriage that's worth sticking around for.

Aw, poppet.

I know it's easy to say, but I'd leave him.
He isn't making you happy, and has no intention of doing so.

Do you really want to be staring at him across a nursing-home rec room feeling bitter that you're still with him and that you missed your last chance of happiness?

Good grief woman, end this marriage. You are getting nothing out of it, whereas he seems to be getting home comforts and sex on the side.

There are lots of men out there (if you so wish) who are emotionally literate, kind, caring and who love giving oral sex. 15 years without that? There should be a law against it.

He sounds despicable and the sort who would screw you over financially, in a heartbeat. So get some sound legal advice and end this now. Quite apart from your own, very understandable needs, this man - and your marriage - are lousy role models for your DCs.

BellevilleRendezvous, no I haven't uttered the dreaded cliche but I could have done - he loves the DC, the DC love him, in fact he claims that he has ' always put the children first ' ( although I dispute that - he has, in my opinion, frequently put his high-powered job first ).

Thank you all for your insights, kind words ( and making me feel that I am about to make the right decision ).

You deserve so much more than this from a partner. How awful this must make you feel, I can't imagine how you've managed to maintain your confidence given how your H and by the sounds of it, his mother treat you.

Keep strong for what you have to do. Gather friends and supporters around you and just make sure you ask for lots of practical and emotional help- here and in RL

SugarMousePink, blimey I didn't think I sounded unhappy, I thought I was just being all sensible and unemotional so it would be easier for people to be objective. I have been very unhappy for a long time.

OP, sorry if I was being insensitive by saying it was a dreaded cliche re loving the dc etc... though you say he loves them and they love him, you don't say that he does anything with / for them. Not that that should have a huge bearing on what you decide to do. Good luck, it sounds as though your mind is firmly on the way to being made up. Please don't keep on being unhappy.