Clearheaded, dispassionate views needed

[Msarsebiscuit]

On my marriage. I value the opinion of the MN stalwarts and I'm doubting my own - I'm not sure if I'm some sort of ridiculous, over-reacting drama queen. I will do my best to give a comprehensive but edited version and I very much appreciate your input.

Married for 15 years. He has always been less than emotionally literate - one example is that when I returned from hospital, pregnant with DD1 and told him that I had been warned that I had a condition which if not managed carefully could result in the death of either myself or DD1, he couldn't bear to turn his gaze away from sport on the tv ( he hadn't come to the appointment with me ). He had to be told later by my mother why I was upset.

There are many examples of him exhibiting this kind of behaviour but I shan't bore you with them.

He gave me no help with the DCs when they were young, doesn't cook, generally gives the wholehearted impression of not caring in the slightest about my thoughts or feelings, has given me no support in emotionally difficult times.

His mother has always disliked me ,he has never confronted her about her shabby treatment of me.

He has always had a lower sex drive than me, he doesn't like giving oral sex so hasn't gone down on me for 15 years. When I had to stop taking the pill for health reasons, rather than either have a vasectomy or buy condoms, he stopped having sex with me - that was 6 years ago. I repeatedly asked him if we could sort something out, bought sexy underwear, made suggestions - not a flicker ( or indeed a fucker ).

For many years he has not moved without his mobile, he wouldn't say who'd called late at night, save to say that it was 'work', frequently answered the phone and went into the garden to talk. It crossed my mind that he was having an affair/s but to be perfectly honest I came to the stage where I hoped there was an OW that he would run away with.

Not sounding good is it, now I come to write it down. I don't absolve myself of blame, I haven't stood up for myself properly - too busy trying to make his life easier for him.

So, any opinions welcome and thank you for reading my whingeing.

Oh Belleville, I didn't think that you were insensitive in the slightest. I'm hugely appreciative that anyone has taken the time and effort to give me their opinions and I know what you mean about 'he's such a great dad' - an excuse for all kinds of shitty behaviour.

Being a great dad (if he is) does not mean he's a great husband. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, including sexually. He doesn't make you happy and he certainly doesn't deserve you.

This sounds a painful and lonely way to live. Living as a single parent is sometimes lonely but its a totally different lonely from living with someone who treats you in this way. You're reminded of your loneliness every night lying next to him.

I'm all for trying to fix marriages where possible but your man sounds like a serial adulterer (going to talk about work in the garden late at night...pleez...unless he is the foreign Minister on the phone to the USA about top secret business...)and completely unwilling to fix things. Sounds like he is getting sex elsewhere so certainly not bothered about your needs on that side.

I cannot see any single thing that you are getting out of this marriage. You aren't getting sex, you aren't getting affection, you aren't getting understanding, respect, companionship, he's not an involved parent nor does he help around the house.

It sounds like he could well have a mistress, but he won't leave you for her; why would he, when he's got this wonderful setup where he can treat you like an automaton and there's no pushback?

I assume your children are schoolage. Do you work outside the home? It's worth seeing a solicitor (I think family law sols do a free half hour consult in the UK) and getting an idea of where you stand financially.

There is nothing lonelier than being in a loveless marriage, I don't think. You sound like you have all the detriments of single parenthood (except perhaps the financial worries) and none of the freedom to be yourself.

He is not going to change, just live your live without him!

You poor, poor woman, you do sound, eroded.

You do know what you have to do. What you have is harder than being a single parent.

You have a person in your house who does nothing to help you, but I bet he makes stuff for you to do does't he.

What ARE you getting out of him being there?

I hope that you do find the strength to do what you know you have to do.

he can continue to put the children first whilst living elsewhere and allowing you to become a person again.

I sound utterly beaten, and you must feel so trapped ... but you're not. Not really.

Give him the heave ho. You don't love him and that is a good enough reason. The way he responds to his parental responsibilities after that will be his problem. You have been his support system for long enough.

Sorry, shou,d read you sound utterly beaten - was talking to a small boy as I typed.!

LittleMissHissyFit, you have hit the nail on the head - I have used the word 'eroded' to him , when I described how every tiny incidence of thoughtlessness and dismissal of my feelings have over the years incrementally whittled away at the love I had for him - he believes that as he has provided financially for the family and not treated me badly, we have had a happy marriage.

Thank you all for your help, you have clarified my own feelings and made me feel supported and vindicated. I am making arrangements to see a solicitor.

I thought ASD when I read your OP too.

It could have been written by my Mum about my Dad. She told him outright she wasn't happy. His reply? "Well I am." End of conversation.

It's hard to give up on a 15-year marriage, isn't it? In the words of the song, you become accustomed to his ways - your day-to-day knowlege of life, and each other, overrides your intuitions about how much better (and more alive) your life could be. I remember the loneliness of lying in bed, next to H#1 (12 yrs), who seemed to notice the furniture more than he noticed me. It's hell.

I went travelling after I left him. I had the most amazing experiences & discovered exciting new ways of being 'me'. I recommend it.

Latre, I made a similar mistake & married another loser. Now I live alone, in a small town where I have no friends. I am impoverished and unwell. I'm lonely. Do you know, this kind of loneliness is nothing like the pain I felt back then! This kind's okay. Restricted as my life is, it's all mine: the choices I make each day are mine and, on the whole, I'm happy.

"On the whole, I'm happy" ... Not "less unhappy", notice! Sometimes happiness is about taking something out of your life, rather than putting more in

BalloonSlayer, I'd never have thought he was somewhere on the Autistic spectrum, I just put it down to his very emotionally cold mother. Maybe he is, god knows what he saw in me then - I'm about as emotionally open as it's possible to be.

ItsGraceActually, thank you for sharing your story - I know that I may end up a lonely old biddy but at least it will be as a lonely old biddy not limited by compromise and embittered by years of enforced sex famine.

i know how it is mrsarsebiscuit, not anything massive per say, a little line crossed here, a boundary over-stepped there.. And we go on and on, making the peace, smoothing things over, sacrificing our own feelings until there's nothing left except bitter resentment. All respect is frittered away.

Single life has got to be better than this. Ok so i get sex if i want it, but tbh, i'm not that fussed anymore. I'm not desired i'm a resource. I agree with you grace, there is nothing lonelier than living with someone that is an emotional black hole.