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Original poster

How do you cope when it's always you doing the running with friendships?

30 replies

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 13:16

I recognise that our situation is fairly specific, but it is very hard for me at the moment.

We home educate, and most of the people with children my DD1's age live about 20-30 minutes away from us, which is fine - I'm happy to drive places with the children. DD1 (7) is a very dissatisfied individual, who always only sees the bad in things. Her current bugbear is that she hardly sees her friends so she wants to go to school.

This would be fine, except that it's a load of crap - she frequently sees her friends, but she doesn't like unstructured running around with groups of friends (which is what she'd get in school!) because at some point, there is always an altercation of some sort (as there tends to be with children) and she, being a pessimist, decides to let it spoil the whole thing for her. So I try to make sure she goes to friends' houses a lot. We are mostly friends with whole families, but I make sure she gets time visiting just on her own etc.

However, I am currently really struggling because I am finding that it is always me doing the running, ie. I am never contacted to arrange a meet up; it is always down to me. I know this is not just what these other families are like, as they meet up all the time with eachother. So it's difficult not to feel paranoid. But, biased as I am, DD1 is a lovely child, who is, so people tell me, a delight to have as a guest. And her friends seem to really enjoy her company when they're with her. It's just that no one asks ever!

And when I'm in a hideously black mood like I am now, PMT +/- a lovely dollop of depression, it is so, so hard to keep being the one who asks.

So what can I do?

I do have friends with whom our relationships are more two-way, by the way, and they, unsurprisingly, are my closest friends, but their children are all younger than DD1 and DD2 - perfect ages for my youngest two, but not so for DD1 in particular. So I know it's not something wrong with me and more about a little clique, but whenever I've tried to foster friendships with other families not so involved in the 'clique', I've still struggled. I reckon it could be to do with the fact they're all from the same town, and I'm from somewhere different, but there doesn't seem to be any other children DD1's age in our town, so I'm just feeling really scuppered.

OP posts:
FreakoidOrganisoid · 20/07/2010 13:28

I have a similar situation with many of my friends here, they are usually happy to meet up but never suggest it just leave it up to me. It's hard and does get me down sometimes but I think we just have to stop feeling paranoid and keep asking tbh.

With some of my friends I think it is because they have got used to me asking and so if I don't contact them they assume I am busy elsewhere, and another couple are very busy themselves so although they will quite happily make the time if it is suggested they don't have the time to think of it themselves.

Would you be willing to let your dd try school if that is what she wants or do you think she doesn't actually want to go to school really?

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 13:32

I think it won't solve her problems in the way she thinks it will IYSWIM. I would let her, but I won't be able to organise a space for her until September anyway, as I assume the teachers are not faffing around doing school admin all holiday! And even then, I can't guarantee I'll get her a space anywhere that is remotely convenient to us or, possibly, even any good.

And then I have to think of the impact on the rest of the family. It would be ok if DD2 wanted to go too (she doesn't), but as it is, I'm going to have to cut short all our home ed meetings and visits, and get DD2 up early to take DD1 (DD2 likes to sleep late in the mornings - that's her pattern at the moment). I think I would go out of my mind with the stress of it...unless, like I say, DD2 wanted to go too. Would just be what we did then!

OP posts:
Butterbur · 20/07/2010 13:52

I think perhaps you just have to accept that you have to make all the running when you HE.

It's probably a case of out of sight, out of mind with the other parents, and not personal. IIRC, primary school playdates were often arranged on the fly at the school gate- somewhere where you are not.

If you don't want to send her to school is it possible to send her to out of school activities, like Brownies, sports clubs etc, where some of her friends also go. It might give her the opportunity to consolidate her friendships in a more structured environment.

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 13:56

She does badgers, and street dancing and is about to start swimming too.

I did suggest that we could arrange more stuff, but all the things I suggest she's not interested in . I suggested me setting up a more regular, more structured home ed meet, but I am fairly certain I wouldn't have enough interest. I am going to try though. I suggested a book/activity group at the library, as you can set those up for free with the library's help, but she wasn't keen on that, even though she loves books.

I wouldn't mind her going to school (well, I'd be broken hearted that I'd failed in what I wanted to do, but I wouldn't let that get in the way), except that it would be so difficult to arrange and the impact on the rest of the family would be huge!

OP posts:
CreepyFunbags · 20/07/2010 14:57

I really think that if she is telling you that she doesn't see her friends enough and she wants to go to school you should hear what she is saying, and let her go to school.

DD2 will adapt to earlier mornings. You will adapt to the school run.

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 15:11

Ok, but still, how do you deal with knowing that you're the friend who always has to do the running?

And why should the whole family go out of their way and bend over backwards to do what DD1 wants? What if DD2 wants to stay in bed just as much as DD1 wants to go to school? And if I want to do four breakfasts leisurely more than she wants to go to school?

It would be easier for me to try and fix her problems without sending her to school. She says she only wants to go 'for a few weeks to try it out' anyway! I don't think that's fair on the school or the current children either.

OP posts:
AlaskaNebraska · 20/07/2010 15:12

she needs to go to school

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 15:14

Ok, Cod has spoken. Thank goodness! I know what to do now!

OP posts:
RustyBear · 20/07/2010 15:16

The teachers wouldn't be the ones doing the school admin anyway, and the LA admissions department will be there during the holidays.

I work in a junior school & we usually have two or three children arrive in September that we didn't know about in July!

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 15:25

Is that so, Rusty!? That's helpful. For some reason, our LA's EHE dept. don't work during the holidays.

But I guess we've not got any time to actually visit a school or anything.

OP posts:
thehairybabysmum · 20/07/2010 15:27

What creepy says...

as to why you 'should do what your dd wants to do'? Because you want her to be happy???

Coolfonz · 20/07/2010 15:36

Your OP is really depressing:

"DD1 (7) is a very dissatisfied individual, who always only sees the bad in things."

"she, being a pessimist"

What disgusting things to say about a seven year old child. Like you haven't had the major influence in her life?

You don't sound like you are depressed, you sound like you have strong narcissistic tendencies - its not your kids that have a problem.

Send her to school, it's what she is asking her mother to do.

SixtyFootDoll · 20/07/2010 15:38

Get up ealier and get them to school.

IF you want people to be friends with you and your DDs then you need to make yoursefl visvble.

All of DS's friends are through school or through lving on same estate.
They do do hobbies but dont really make close fridnships through that.

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 20/07/2010 15:41

Right, I decided that once I got two responses that were just unhelpful and critical, I would leave this thread. Just explaining why I'm not responding any more.

OP posts:
tiredandgrouchy · 20/07/2010 15:46

I don't want to add to the 'negatives' but the not wanting your dd to go to school so everyone can have a lie in and a leisurely breakfast is the kind of thing that gives home schooling a bad name. Children need structure, discuiple, and other people around them. The real world is going to be a hell of a shock to them if they can get up whenever the hell they want. Tbh I think you are showing your dd a lack of respect in not being able to get up and organise yourself to allow her to go to school And you do sound depressed yourself, which is probably rubbing off on your dd.

AlaskaNebraska · 20/07/2010 15:54

its unhlepful= not saying what you want to hear

Coolfonz · 20/07/2010 16:28

"Right, I decided that once I got two responses that were just unhelpful and critical, I would leave this thread. Just explaining why I'm not responding any more."

You need to get your narcissism sorted out for the sake of your kids. Who do you think you are to deny your child schooling when it explicitly asks for it? God?

TotalChaos · 20/07/2010 16:30

home edding issues aside, I would grit your teeth and be pragmatic - accept that you are putting more effort into these friendships so that your DD1 can play regularly with children her own age, it's one of those things we do for our kids rather than ourselves.

Gotabookaboutit · 20/07/2010 17:28

If your daughters attitude stems from your attitude - which I suspect it may ;) - no wonder you have to do all the running

TotalChaos · 20/07/2010 18:01

below the belt there about OP's DD!

colditz · 20/07/2010 18:13

if you are definitely not going to allow her to access a school, and you are struggling to meet her social needs as a HEer because you don't like doing all the running, and she doesn't want to go to clubs - something has to give.

"I wouldn't mind her going to school (well, I'd be broken hearted that I'd failed in what I wanted to do, but I wouldn't let that get in the way), except that it would be so difficult to arrange and the impact on the rest of the family would be huge!"

WHY don't you just let her go to school? She has asked to go to school, she's your daughter, she's supposed to impact on the family. You have more than one child therefore you are always going to be balancing one child's needs against the other children's needs.

One child feels the need to go to school for her social and educational needs. You feel that this would impact on your other child's sleep and activities, but let's turn that on it's head - your putting your DD2's felt need for activities and lie ins ahead of your DD!'s felt need for a peer group and a school education, because lie ins and activities are more convenient for you than early mornings and school pick ups...

You will have to find a balance somehow. I really think that if she is as unhappy as you say she is, I agree with the poster that says - she needs to go to school.

CreepyFunbags · 20/07/2010 18:43

I did click on the thread wanting to talk about give and take in friendships, but it seemed apparent to me from what you said that the problem was the homeschooling issue.

I felt very sorry for your DD. You mention she has some social problems, and I really think they could be helped by going to school, where she can socialise much more with her peers than just at a few classes or groups per week.

Bit overly touchy to disappear like that!

Raises an eyebrow to other mums

anastaisia · 21/07/2010 20:48

God, what negative comments.

If someone has decided to home educate then of course thinking about changing that decision is going to be something that needs to be carefully considered and balanced against the needs of the family as a whole. If you had 4 children in school and were thinking about taking one out as they were unhappy you wouldn't just do it without talking about the impact that would have on the other children, the parents, family life, and possibly work or other committments.

MrsW clearly is considering it - as she said "I think it won't solve her problems in the way she thinks it will IYSWIM. I would let her, but I won't be able to organise a space for her until September". So it makes perfect sense to first consider changes that might solve her DD's problems, before trying something that she doesn't actually think will.

It really sounds like it would be worth looking at some more organised activities - are there any holiday clubs near you MrsW? That might be something that provides an experience that she could then use to judge if going to something each day would be useful to her and help with the decision about school or no school. We have some good sports and dance camps that are on for a week or fortnight over the summer holidays near us - something like that?

I'm not sure how you deal with feeling as though you need to put in more effort than other friends to be socially active - I wonder if its a bit of a cycle as they get used to you being the one to arrange things and then wait for you to do it even more.

Hope you find things that work for all of you though.

Conundrumish · 21/07/2010 21:03

OP you sound like you have a lot on your plate with depression/PND. It must be hard to try and balance everyone's needs with that around your neck.

I think your first priority should be to concentrate on you and your pnd/depression and try and get on top of that. I think once you have managed that, you will find your daughter chills, and that you will find invitations flooding in .

pippop1 · 21/07/2010 21:15

I might be wrong but I see in your first few posts that your DD is going to other people's houses all the time. Are you inviting other children (her friends) to your house?

Maybe you think that she is at home a great deal of the time because you HE and it's nice for her to go out. True, but not fair on the other children. It's fun for them to go to someone else's house, play with different toys and so on.

I would stop inviting if it was all onsided.