How do you cope when it's always you doing the running with friendships?

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

I recognise that our situation is fairly specific, but it is very hard for me at the moment.

We home educate, and most of the people with children my DD1's age live about 20-30 minutes away from us, which is fine - I'm happy to drive places with the children. DD1 (7) is a very dissatisfied individual, who always only sees the bad in things. Her current bugbear is that she hardly sees her friends so she wants to go to school.

This would be fine, except that it's a load of crap - she frequently sees her friends, but she doesn't like unstructured running around with groups of friends (which is what she'd get in school!) because at some point, there is always an altercation of some sort (as there tends to be with children) and she, being a pessimist, decides to let it spoil the whole thing for her. So I try to make sure she goes to friends' houses a lot. We are mostly friends with whole families, but I make sure she gets time visiting just on her own etc.

However, I am currently really struggling because I am finding that it is always me doing the running, ie. I am never contacted to arrange a meet up; it is always down to me. I know this is not just what these other families are like, as they meet up all the time with eachother. So it's difficult not to feel paranoid. But, biased as I am, DD1 is a lovely child, who is, so people tell me, a delight to have as a guest. And her friends seem to really enjoy her company when they're with her. It's just that no one asks ever!

And when I'm in a hideously black mood like I am now, PMT +/- a lovely dollop of depression, it is so, so hard to keep being the one who asks.

So what can I do?

I do have friends with whom our relationships are more two-way, by the way, and they, unsurprisingly, are my closest friends, but their children are all younger than DD1 and DD2 - perfect ages for my youngest two, but not so for DD1 in particular. So I know it's not something wrong with me and more about a little clique, but whenever I've tried to foster friendships with other families not so involved in the 'clique', I've still struggled. I reckon it could be to do with the fact they're all from the same town, and I'm from somewhere different, but there doesn't seem to be any other children DD1's age in our town, so I'm just feeling really scuppered.

All of these one sided relationships that you are maintaining for the sake of your DD1 are probably very draining. I would ditch them and make some new friends.

If it is any consolation - friendships made at the school-gates are often clique and superficial, so I don't think it matters if your kids are HE or not. It's still hard for mums to make good friends. Also I would question the quality of the friendships made in school. I can't keep up with all the NBFs and falling outs that go on!!

Maybe we should all be a bit kinder to each other

I find your comments about your own dd quite strange. It's as though you resent her.
I thought that the whole point of home schooling is to let them go to school if they want. I'd let her go.

"I thought that the whole point of home schooling is to let them go to school if they want."

Huh? The point of home educating is to meet your legal and moral duty to provide an education for your child.

I wouldn't let my DD make the decision to try school yet, I don't think that she's old enough to make that choice yet. So as a parent I make it based on what I believe is best for her. Like parents with children in school have decided that for their family and their child a school education is the best option. Or a vegetarian might choose a meat free diet for their child. Or a parent chooses to have their child immunised on the child's behalf.

Even if DD was older, I'd expect her to take some time to make the fairly big decision about entering school.

WTF is it with all these comments about "she has asked to go to school so she must therefore go to school"?

My DS1 has come home loads of times moaning that he doesn't want to go to school. Does this mean I should therefore Home Ed forthwith? Because. He. Asked.

As a parent you try to do what you think is best for your child. Which, unsurprisingly is not always what they ask for when in a whingey mood.

The OP has not discounted it but doesn't think her DD really wants this.

I have never heard such a load of nonsensical balls as I have heard on this thread.

MrsW - are the people you meet up with other Home Edders? Or 'just' friends? Do they ever come to you or do you always go to them?

It's probably that you have got the job of being the Organised One.

I don't think that it is strange to know your child's personality well. I didn't read anything that implied criticism or dislike- just realism and an acceptance of her for how she can be.

I agree with BalloonSlayer- you are probably seen as the 'fixer'.