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Original poster

Is this a major red flag?

29 replies

UnsureWhatToThink · 19/07/2010 19:44

I've just started a new relationship, it's early days yet but almost-DP has opened up about his family history...

His dad was an alcoholic for nearly 40 years (DP is 33) and has been sober for the last 2. DP has been seeing a counsellor and therapist for the last year to help with anxiety issues, he said he goes to group meetings and has done CBT, although he says he visits the group meetings less often recently.

He's very positive and open about how he is feeling a lot better now, he is starting to be able to talk to his dad about how his alcoholism affected him growing up. He admits his 'issues' affected past relationships in a number of ways and it was coming out of his last one that made him realise he wouldn't be able to have a successful relationship without sorting out his issues first. Hence all this therapy.

I feel bad for asking this (hence the name change), and I can't really articulate why I feel like this, but should I just run away from this one??

OP posts:
msboogie · 19/07/2010 19:53

Can't really answer until you tell us what his issues are

SirBoobAlot · 19/07/2010 20:00

Without knowing more than you've said, my initial reaction is to say quite the opposite - that he has made you aware of his problems in the past and present, and has been honest without. That deserves a lot of respect, and personally I feel its always better to be entirely honest about things from the start than to let details trickle out further along the line.

Do you want to elaborate some more?

Original poster
UnsureWhatToThink · 19/07/2010 20:08

Well, the issues that come with growing up in a household where one of your parents is an alcoholic... he says he couldn't find ways to show love or emotion, he had anxiety and panic issues, he didn't have any self value, he wasn't able to express his emotions growing up, he has had to learn how to trust...

I just don't know if all this baggage will cause problems in the future..?

OP posts:
GSXR1100 · 19/07/2010 20:21

Brilliant bloke by the sound of it.

He has the requisite traits of being willing and able to look inwardly, try and sort his own issues out, and tell you all this honestly.

If I could find a bloke who would voluntarily have therapy of any kind I would feel I was onto a winner

Saying that his issues may yet need to be resolved and it depends how far along he has come with that, and whether they are having or likely to have an impact on your relationship or not.

I would test drive this one for sure.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2010 20:30

Hmph. If your instincts are saying, what a lovely emotionally open bloke, then go with that.
If your instincts are saying (as mine would be) FFS am I going to have to be his unpaid therapist and listen to him wanking on and on about his feelings forever?
People in therapy are fucking boring company a lot of the time. Not necessarily their fault, but when you are just starting to date someone, you don't owe them anything apart from common courtesy and if they are not so irresistibly shaggable to make the tedium of exploring their issues bearable, just walk away.

cananybodyhelp · 19/07/2010 20:31

I'm with SGB on this one.

SirBoobAlot · 19/07/2010 20:31

We all have issues and baggage, some bigger than others, and if we shunned people away continually for those issues, then the human race would be a sad thing.

I think you should give him a chance, at least.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2010 20:31

To clarify: Therapy is often good, therapy very helpful, if it;s your mate or partner or family member having therapy, you will love the person enough to put up with the self-obsession that's a necessary part of many types of therapy.
However, new acquaintances who want to get in touch with their inner child all over your dinner table are TBH better run away from unless you are incredibly patient or particularly drawn to them for some reason.

Original poster
UnsureWhatToThink · 19/07/2010 20:37

I know what you mean about people in therapy can be a bit self-obsessed... He did say that he hadn't really met anyone who he had felt this open with, so maybe he is only telling me all this because it's unusual for him to feel comfortable enough to do so?

But yes SGB, I don't want his history to be the defining thing about him. A bit of me thinks at 33 he should really be 'past' his childhood. Then another bit of me thinks that's a bit harsh of me, considering his dad has only been sober for 2 years, and I have (fortunately) had a generally happy childhood so can't really put myself in his shoes.

OP posts:
ReasonableDoubt · 19/07/2010 20:41

It sounds like he is taking positive steps to address his issues. That's commendable. After all, we all have baggage - just not everyone is brave enough to tackle it head on.

I would still take things slowly, though. Actions speak louder than words (in all relationships). What people do and how they treat you speaks volumes.

toccatanfudge · 19/07/2010 20:44

I agree with SBA - he's been honest and upfront, if he's otherwise quite shaggable fanciable keep with it. If it turns out that he's as SGB describes then you can ditch him, but he may not be

GSXR1100 · 19/07/2010 20:49

33 is no age.

My mother only began to remember the things that happened to her as a child of an alcoholic, sometimes violent man when she was about 35. She started therapy and continued for the next 15 years.

It did her MASSIVE amounts of good, and she kept it within the sessions and was very discreet about it. But she changed tangibly and became a much, much better and nicer person because of it.

I know so many people who are damaged by difficult childhoods and refuse to seek therapy - they prefer to drown it in drink themselves, deny there's anything wrong with them and it comes out as hurt against their partner.

I know which I would prefer to be with. Though you might prefer to find someone without any major issues - they do exist apparently! It's up to you - listen to your feelings in other ways and go with that, but no, this isn't a red flag from my point of view.

Hassled · 19/07/2010 20:52

I think it depends how much you like him. The issues alone aren't a reason to run for the hills - he's doing everything right. But I sort of think if you were that into him you wouldn't be asking the question.

toccatanfudge · 19/07/2010 21:01

oh I don't know about that Hassled - I am totally into this guy I've started seeing........but every time we talk on IM, email, person, and on our first date I couldn't help but sit and analyse everything he was saying and see if it fitted onto the "Losers" check list. (nothing has at all so far, nothing even on the radar even in the slightest form).

He appears to be a genuinely nice guy, I fancy the pants off him, he makes me laugh, (I apparently make him laugh) it all seems great............but I'm stil looking out for the red flags.......

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2010 21:17

Toccata: But (ISTR) you have had some horrible experiences in the past. SO it's a very good thing that you are being wary. Unfortunately, people who have been badly hurt can be very attractive to predators. It's always better to proceed with caution when you start seeing someone - OK not total paranoia, no need to ask them if they've been CRB checked before the first date or anything, but a lot of people overlook fairly clear warning signals.

Unsure: Well, you're the one dating the guy, no harm in seeing how it goes. Just remember that you don't owe a new acquaintance anything, really, and if you decide he's too messed up and too much like hard work, deciding to walk away doesn't make you a bad person.

BelleDameSansMerci · 19/07/2010 21:22

Sorry but the impact of having an alcoholic parent is likely to be a lifelong issue and not something you'd be over by any specific age. The fact that this man is doing something about it is, I would think, good news.

It's won't necessarily be the fact of the alcoholism and his father's behaviour (although that could have been very difficult) but also the coping mechanisms your almost DP may have developed to cope with his environment. They can be hard to "unlearn".

There are, apparently, several characteristics of adults who grew up with an alocholic parent. These are:

  1. Adult children guess at what normal is.
  2. Adult children have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
  3. Adult children lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  4. Adult children judge themselves without mercy.
  5. Adult children have difficulty having fun.
  6. Adult children take themselves very seriously.
  7. Adult children have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  8. Adult children over-react to changes over which they have no control.
  9. Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children feel that they are different from other people. 11. Adult children are either super responsible or super irresponsible. 12. Adult children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. 13. Adult children are impulsive.

I am an "adult child of an alcoholic" and can relate to quite a few of these.

Having said all that, if you think he's wrong for you, I'd dump him and move but I'm a bit harsh like that

toccatanfudge · 19/07/2010 21:29

you do have a point SGB - but unfortunately the worst experience that I had wasn't covered on the the Losers check list. .There's nothing on that list that covers "doesn't do any of the stuff that losers do but suddenly one day has a pyschotic episode and turns into a man that no-one knows".

such is life.

Strangely that incident did have a positive effect on me in one respect - I found "me" afterwards - I won't take any shit from anyone. (And have told the 3 men I've dated so far as much as well).

One was an insecure tosser, one was a playing tosser (and yes I know our ideas about monogomy are total polar opposites) , this one, seems different.

I really should stop having the Losers red flag page open constantly while we're chatting on IM or the phone though - I think that's getting just a little too paranoid

Original poster
UnsureWhatToThink · 19/07/2010 21:37

Thanks, BelleDame, that's very useful. He mentioned something about trying to control his relationships to make him feel safe, so no7 rings a bell. He does also seem to take things rather seriously; although that in itself is no bad thing.

I think I will just have to spend more time with him and see how it goes. Basically I don't want his past to be the defining feature, something that keeps on coming up and keeps on being talked about, I don't think that'd be very healthy... and as SGB says it'd be hard work and no fun at all!

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 19/07/2010 21:42

Unsure I agree - definitely don't want his past being the only thing there is. I said it's hard to move on (and it is) but it's do-able and he's trying to do that. It doesn't have to be all hard work and no fun - no point being in a relationship like that!

There's loads of guff on the web about ACOAs (Adult Children of Alcholics) and a lot of it looks like self indulgent crap to me now but when I first found out that my behaviours were normal for my environment, it was like a light coming on.

FWIW, I exhibit characteristics of all of the points listed above although I swing between super responsible and super irresponsible!

Hassled · 19/07/2010 21:48

Unsure - you are probably right to be a bit wary. Just go slowly - hope it works out. It has to be worth a shot, surely? You have to assume the best.

And Toccata - it looks like you're on to a winner . So ditto - the fact you make each other laugh is so important.

BelleDameSansMerci · 19/07/2010 21:50

Tocc is there a sort of "Loser Red Flag Bingo" I should know about?

toccatanfudge · 19/07/2010 21:51

You know what hassled - I don't want to get my hopes up, count my chicken, place any bets (or any other cliché ) - but this does feel really right. (there were little things that didn't feel quite right in all of my previous relationships at the start - even with exH!).

We're both northerners so have a bloody awful, dry, Northern sense of humour and totally get each other.

toccatanfudge · 19/07/2010 21:55

lol Belle - it's that article about how to spot a Loser that AF and SGB and co often link to - I have it bookmarker on my computer.

I've been through it and made a mental checklist of things to watch for, (many of them in recent months I'd already made up my mind about anyhow before discovering the article).

Original poster
UnsureWhatToThink · 19/07/2010 22:22

Hassled, yep I'm just going to take it slowly but bear BelleDame's checklist in mind.. maybe I'll do a bit of research myself.. I think he was worried that by sharing so much I'd do a runner in the opposite direction and I don't want to do that. Will just have to see how the next few week pan out.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2010 22:36

When you're dating someone, if you like them, you can afford to give yourself (and them) a bit of time. WHat is always daft, pretty much, is to rush headling into living together, getting PG or whatever when there are indications of possible problems.
Unsure: I guess the best thing would be, see if he expects further in depth discussion of his ishoos on the next three dates. If so, that's an indication that you are going to be in the role of unpaid therapist. If he leaves it as having told you there's a problem but not expecting you to deal with it and fix him, then he may well be OK.