Will I bore a therapist?

[OneorTwoThingsIknow]

I have always been anti counselling as I see it as just an opportunity to go on at length about your own issues and problems and that the counsellor is only listening - politely - to you because you are paying him or her.

But I feel so low. I have ridiculous self esteem issues that are mainly connected to relationships and I put up with far more than I should in a relationship and I need help to try and decipher why this is so.

I am currently with someone who is very draining on me and I cant understand why I am not finishing with him. He is not abusive or controlling but he is very draining both on my emotions and my time.

I think I must be mad. I want him to love me, I want to feel secure and appreciated and wanted. I don't really feel any of those things and need to talk to someone as I have always been like this.

I am a complete fraud and wonder if a therapist will spot this and just want me to shut up and stop moaning?

I'm a therapist. I never 'listen politely' - instead I immerse myself in their story and life in the hope that them talking about it will help them promote change.

You thinking that they will think you're 'moaning' is unfortunately because of your low self esteem. I have no doubt from your post that you are an interesting and fascinating person who is struggling with some issues at the moment but who is able to work with it and self-reflect.

Make sure you choose someone reputable either from word of mouth, the BACP or BAPCA website.

Good luck

Thanks for that Laurie, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

But, well, are you absolutely sure? And where the hell do you start with all this stuff? Seriously, me talking about myself and how bad I feel achieves what exactly? I think I know why I have low self esteemso what is the point anyway?

By the way, no one knows. I hide it very well and appear confident. My friends would be shocked. But it is just so crippling and I feel tearful a lot recently.

God knows what Id be like if I had something to really moan about.

Well one of the goals of therapy is to make the inside the same as the outside (congruence) so you don't have to feel your 'putting on a confident face' in direct contrast to how you feel inside. It really does you no mental/emotional good to be pretending.

You just start with whatever you're thinking, whichever bits are problematic - your original post talks about your relationship and self-esteem so maybe that's a good place to start.

Also check for free counselling services (womens centres/relate/mind/your gp) and also find someone you like - and who you think is listening to you. You have to really click with someone to make it work.

Hey OneorTwoThingsIknow, that's the first step. At least you've got enough nounce to give yourself a quick reality check.

Some people are habitual whingers & counselling is a part of their life.

Your reluctance would seem not & a problem shared is often a very useful thing.

I often need to unload, & do it a lot (even with my my mum)

And I understand that thatbloke but when does a simple 'offloading' become a self absorbed rambling 'me me me,it's all about MEEEE ' type of monologue?

I still am in two minds about it. Just seems so pathetic. My over riding feeling is that I should be pulling myself together and stop arsing about like some sort of fragile teenager.

I dunno but sometimes, it needs to be done (with the right person).

The important thing is that YOU get some benefit. It might be just a shot in the arm, & you're off dealing with things, or it might take a little longer.

Either way, getting things of your chest is usually a good thing.

Listen, I've lost count over the years I've been of the end of "ah, never mind, shall I call you a waaaambulance - man-up FFS".

And I needed to hear that, so don't be embarrassed.

Some people are happy to listen, some people will tell it like they see it. Sometimes, you need a bit of both.

You'll certainly get that on here, there are some really clued-up peopes (I don't count myself in that)

OneorTwoThings - have you thought about CBT? It's therapy, but it's about changing negative thought patterns etc, so it's not about whinging on about your problems - it can be really constructive if you want to learn to be more positive about things, and think about things differently.

A good start is to approach your G.P. and see if you can be referred to CBT or a CBT based low self esteem group. Government has put a lot of money into this and expanded services. You can view it as a project, you might then decide to go onto a deeper counselling relationship depending on how it goes.

A counsellor or a therapist won't be bored, they are generally fascinated by people and how the mind works.

But if I went to the GP what would I say?

I'd sound like an idiot. People are really ill and I slope in there moaning about my low self esteem.

You'd say to the GP for instance - I'm feeling drained and unhappy at the moment, I don't want to go on anti-depressants, is there opportunity for therapy via you?

One in 4 visits to the GP are about mental health issues, you won't be wasting anyone's time and if you're straight in and out with the info you need in your ten minute slot, all the better. Poor mental health can lead to poor physical health, think of it as preventative medicine.

The NHS Choices website can tell you what's available in your area.
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Counselling/Pages/Introduction.aspx

By the way, if you're feeling drained by the relationship and are giving a lot, have a read of "women who love too much" by Norwood and see if it rings bells.

Good luck!

Or even better...this page...

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/counselling/Pages/Accesstotherapy.aspx

I would second asking the GP for a referral for CBT because you are feeling low. I do therapy sometimes, although it's not the main part of my job, and I too, for what it's worth, am never bored and never just listening because I'm paid to. I do actively and genuinely want to help and I'm sure the same would be true of just about any therapist or counsellor you see. Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

Oneortwothings please dont ever think your thoughts and feelings are not just as valid as everyone else's.

You are someones daughter, that makes you very special. I think you should get on at the gp for some therapy.

I had some, GP referred after a truamatic hospital episode( still cant really talk about the whole thing) and it helped immensely, and the best bit was, who doesnt love talking about themselves for an hour, uninterupted?

x

You don't "have" therapy, you "do" it. It's hard work mostly. Yes, it's all talking about yourself but not in the wishy-washy way you do with well-meaning friends. If you want to see what I mean, you'll have to get started

Good luck; I hope you quickly find a counsellor who is right for you.

The feeling embarrassed stuff about 'being worthy' of being listened to is part of the low self-esteem. The fact is that fixing the issues you have will have a direct impact on your health, happiness and future relationship chances. And this will all impact on your children, which I presume you have. They are worth it, aren't they?

And you aren't paying (or the charity/NHS isn't paying) for someone to listen to you whinge. You are paying for the expertise of someone to facilitate you getting your shit together. You sound like a 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' kinda gal to me- so why turn down the opportunity to do it properly? Would you admire somebody too stubborn to read the instructions to assemble flat-pack furniture, and just kept having a stab in the dark until they came up with a vaguely approximate structure? Or would you think it was more sensible and practical to just read the fucking manual and do it properly, so they got their money's worth out of some bookshelves you can actually use properly?

And aren't you a bit more important than a set of shelves?

If you are 18 or something and feel you've got the luxury of years to waste in crappy relationships where you run yourself ragged, then knock yourself out. If you are a bit older though, it is only sensible to sort yourself out properly so you can get on with spending the rest of your life without a load of crap weighing you down.

Wow, I'm listening the language you use about yourself and it's very harsh. You're very tough on yourself.

Therapy isn't a whinge session, I promise. It's a chance to focus entirely on yourself and what's going on in your life for an hour a week, sometimes more - with somone who'll listen really closely to you, take you very seriously and offer you the space and time to work things out. They'll help you to challenge some of the beliefs you have about yourself.

You say you feel low, that you have low self esteem and say you find this crippling. You get into relationships that don't support you and drain you. Well, here's a chance to try and sort that out and therapy is a way of enquiring into it.

If you gain more awareness and insight into what's going on for you then maybe you won't have to respond to yourself and others in the way you do now - if those ways are hurtful to you. Nothing self indulgent about that.

Sometimes it takes courage to face yourself. Specially the bits of you, you don't like or feel ashamed of and it sounds like there's a lot of you that you don't like at the moment. I imagine that's a lonely place to be in.

If you can't get counselling via the GP (not all surgeries offer it) the BACP and UKCP are the best places to look for someone who's properly trained.

It's a good idea to interview a couple and go with the one you feel you click with best. Good luck.

I went to my GP because I was really struggling to cope with a particular situation and my feelings about it - I mostly just cried and she got the picture. She arranged for me to have several sessions with a lovely counsellor on the NHS. That's what they're there for - for people like us who just need a bit of help. They won't judge you - they will help you. Just do it.

With DaffDilly here, Im actually going myself on Thursday via the GP for some counselling due to some long-standing issues i've got, some of them to do with self-esteem.

In addition to this a lot of GP practices offer short courses in things such as anxietymanagemetn and self-esteem, these can be really helpful and they're free :-)

A lot of people see counselling as just dredging up issues or whinging, but really good counselling shouldn't be like that. What's important to realise is that it can help to talk about your past and the reasons why you feel as you do, but that simply going over things or 'ruminating' will not help in the end. It is about taking control of your present, and how you live day to day in the here and now. CBt can help with this, but I would also like to reccommend a book called 'the mindful way through depression' which is wonderful for helping to break out of the negative self-esteem cycle.

Good luck.

I am also a therapist and can absolutely promise you that you will not be boring to the person you find. I find it a real privilege to listen to people and find it endlessly fascinating.

Don't worry about how to start, your therapist will be able to help you with it - they/we are very very used to people who don't know where to start.

Just a wee word about your language - on every reply you have given you have effectively said yes... but....

Using these words is a very commonly used strategy for you to justify keeping yourself in your comfort zone (even if that comfort zone is very unhappy). Change is a daunting thought but it does sound from your posts that you are recognising that something needs to be done for you to lead a more fulfilling life.

Another destructive thought is the one 'there are people a lot worse off than me'. That invalidates your feelings and situation. You are absolutely worth the attention and care of a counsellor. If you came to me as a client I would be very happy to see you.

.. and I should have added - the counselling I do at the moment is voluntary (I don't get paid a penny).

I would like to be a therapist and it really actually is because I am quite nosy . I am not saying all therapists are nosy btw.

I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them untangle them.

So I don't think that a decent therapist would be bored by you at all. If you were to sense that then it would mean they weren't much cop imvho.

Talking therapies can bring up some very interesting stuff. You start off rambling away about how you feel on a day to day basis and why your life is shit and how you don't feel like anyone really cares about you etc etc.

A good therapist will mostly listen but will ask carefully guiding questions - these will encourage you to confront your beliefs about yourself and your situation. It might take a while - if you are quite defensive (which you come across as being) then it will take some time to break down those barriers you have constructed around yourself. In fact, if anything the therapist says forces you to confront uncomfortable things about you or the way you think, chances are your initial reaction will be to reinforce your barriers.

Recognising your thoughts and behaviour patterns is the first step to changing them - and to realising that there is a different way to be, to feel and to live.

It's worth it - amazing what a bit of "talking about yourself" can achieve, really.

I'm a stiff-upper-lip kind of person, but last year, a series of six counselling sessions helped me gain a lot of clarity into something that was making me unhappy and enabled me to take action to change it. I highly recommend it.

As others say, the therapist probably won't be bored. And worse case scenario - so what if he/she did get bored? They're getting paid and everybody's job has some boring bits. Why do you think you need to be constantly entertaining?

I think the OP feels that her problems are not worth talking about with anyone, rather than being boring - her low self esteem is making her reluctant to "inflict" herself on anyone.

JayDubs - Now if you were to offer to listen to me drone on online I would be very happy with that. Oh, and I'd pay you!

ISO- I have always been very hard on myself. I am not sure why though. I just can't bear to think of myself in 'need' of counselling. It almost seems unbelievable that I am even considering it. Like I said, it seems so self indulgent, so 'poor, poor meeeee.' I mean,people fought in wars, people are bereaved etc.. and I am considering talking to someone when in reality, there is fuck all wrong with me! Amazing really.

I constantly feel not good enough. I constantly feel like a bit of an outsider and I constantly feel that I must be as funny, witty, amusing and 'interesting' as I possibly can be, in order to keep my DP interested in me. He totally drains me but can I assert myself? No,not really.

You would never know all this if you knew me though. I have lots of good friends, I have a good job ( although I am pretty crap at it, and this is not me being down on myself, it's the truth )and , although I have a lot of good things in my life- or could have had - I mess up on a fairly regular basis. But then , at least I'm consistent!

I do confide in some friends about how I feel but we end up laughing about it and I know that the answer is probably me getting a firm grip and pulling myself together.

Thank you to all of you who have posted - it means a lot to me.