Will I bore a therapist?

[OneorTwoThingsIknow]

I have always been anti counselling as I see it as just an opportunity to go on at length about your own issues and problems and that the counsellor is only listening - politely - to you because you are paying him or her.

But I feel so low. I have ridiculous self esteem issues that are mainly connected to relationships and I put up with far more than I should in a relationship and I need help to try and decipher why this is so.

I am currently with someone who is very draining on me and I cant understand why I am not finishing with him. He is not abusive or controlling but he is very draining both on my emotions and my time.

I think I must be mad. I want him to love me, I want to feel secure and appreciated and wanted. I don't really feel any of those things and need to talk to someone as I have always been like this.

I am a complete fraud and wonder if a therapist will spot this and just want me to shut up and stop moaning?

Nickname taken- why do I feel I need to be constantly entertaining? ....... Now, if I knew the answer to that one I would probably be half way there

Hi again, OneorTwo
There are myriad different ways to approach therapy, and as many ways to think about it as there are different people!

Fancy giving this one a go? It's about life scripts. Try reading this page (it's about a man called Gary) & see what you think: helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/scripts.html

The script on that page originated in a single event. More usually, our life scripts are "given" to us as children - for example, mine included 'I am fat & clumsy', 'I must take care of everyone', 'I mustn't make a fuss', 'I must work hard'. One way to get a clue about your own script is to write your obituary! How would you be remembered?

This appraoch may not impres you but, if you're interested, here's some more specific info about life scripts: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis#Redefining_and_Discounting

Hi Grace, thanks for replying to me!

Right,so I read about Gary and his script and all I could think about was how I didn't go near any refrigerators when I was young but I totally 'get' the idea behind it. And yes, I believe that my issues could be traced back to my childhood ( which was perfectly normal, not happy, not sad,my parents were fine etc. I always felt second best to my younger brother though and indeed, found out I was adopted by the man I thought was my father when I was a teenager. This didnt really affect me though, I took it in my stride and I am close to my brother and we have a great relationship. So probably a dead end there! )

But how can understanding what makes me the way I am stop all this? I dont think it can.

Just thought I'd tell you that the first time I went to counselling I cried all the way through and said possibly as many as 3 words altogether. Every time I opened my mouth I started crying again.

The second session was slightly better. I managed a couple of sentences.

I'm mentioning it, so you won't worry about what to say or how you say it, when you get there.

Thank you Jux.

God, I feel such a fool.

Oneortwo,sweetheart, but the thing is there is something wrong at the moment. (Hmm, I came over all maternal there!)

You sound despairing. You've said you don't feel good enough, an outsider and that you have to perform to keep people's attention while underneath you feel crippled with self loathing and doubt. On this thread alone, you've put yourself down with nearly every sentence.

You say you're crap at your job, can't assert yourself, that you mess up consistently and I bet the fact you can't "pull yourself together" like you think you should becomes yet another thing to beat yourself up about.

I hope you take a look at grace's links. I too think TA (transactional analysis) can be a really good way of trying to understand patterns.

The other thing to notice if you want to, is that on this thread, you haven't had to be 'entertaining', bubbly and confident and you've a group of people, me included, who are really interested in what you're saying,who want to offer something to you and listening to you.

I hope you can take a step and get some off line help. You do deserve attention, support and care, just as we all do.

Very true, Oneortwo You're worthwhile even with never a bubble in sight! And, lookee here, you've admitted vulnerability and it's getting you kindness. How does that sit with your 'script'?

The purpose of understanding it? So you can make the most of it. It's a bit like tuning an engine, or toning your muscles - to get the results, you need to know how they work.

Actually, learning how engines work is still on my "one day" list

itsonlyajob - if you can afford weekly it is more useful for bringing stuff into the open - one of the things about counselling is that you can sit there for maybe 50 minutes saying not very much, or not very much to the point - and then in the last 5 minutes bring up something really major. The counsellor pretty much has to say "hold that thought until next time" as it's meant to be part of the deal that you don't run over time - but some of the stuff you don't want to be "holding" for more than a week!

I would say it can take about 2 years sometimes to break down the defences and get to the real work. It took me 2 years, it took one of my friends 2 years (she couldn't quite understand why she kept going back as it didn't seem to be achieving anything but she still went and then at 2 years - wham! The defences came down and she progressed really fast after that).

Cancelling appointments is part of your defence mechanism - there is a part of you that is uncomfortable with your own Stuff and doesn't like to share it, either because you think it is utterly trivial or boring in comparison with other people's Real Problems, or because it is deeply uncomfortable to remember so you are protecting yourself from the memories. Try to keep appointments whenever possible - maintain the routine and the structure.

Oneortwo - you sound a little like you have Impostor Syndrome - I used to have that as well before I started counselling.

The thing that drove me into it was not being able to cope with a minor relationship break up, having supposedly "coped" with a major one - turns out I hadn't coped at all with the previous major one, just covered it up and "got on with it". You might find that your childhood stuff has had more of a deep impact on your psyche than you are prepared to admit, even to yourself - finding out that your dad is not your biological father is also a major discovery and can really bugger up your feelings of identity.

Anyway - not trying to analyse you online, just giving you some things to consider.

I had the same concerns when I went to a therapist a few years ago. I found her on the BACP website but without knowing what her qualifications meant, it was hard to know whether she could help with how I was feeling.

She did not say a lot, and that did not make me feel helped much. I ended the therapy after about four sessions. A friend had recommended someone but she had been away at the time I was low, so I could not go to her, but I should have waited. After my four sessions I no longer felt like following it up, though I still felt I should. If you can pluck up the courage to tell a few close friends, you may find they know someone.

I would definitely still give therapy a go now. It did not put me off.

I had therapy for yonks (about a crappy relationship) but I also felt that my 'issues' were too trivial to count as real 'problems' so handled this with my conscience by paying for the sessions myself even though I had a referral from a doc and could have got them for free.

Unfortunately I stuck with the first therapist I found rather than shop around for someone who really listened to me. I did find someone good in the end, but not at the point when my need was greatest. Make sure you find someone you 'click' with and trust.

And yes, there are always people who are worse off than you - but that's no reason to condemn yourself to continuing unhappiness. Allowing yourself to be happier also enables you to have a more positive impact on the world around you.

And self-esteem does matter. Sorting it out could really improve your life in a big way (I know, I've been there, and am so much happier now). I actually did a personal development course that I found more useful than therapy in this particular respect.

Yika what was the course that you did? I would be interested to know as I would like to do something similar. I haven't been able to find any courses specifically for self-esteem issues in my area - but maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing?

Thank you.

Far from being whiney and self-obsessed, I think those who make the commitment to the hard work of therapy (and the financial commitment, too) are very strong characters who are prepared to take responsibility for themselves.

Far from being a chance to blow your own trumpet, therapy is often painful and draining (esp if it's working properly!)

When I hear of someone starting therapy I think of them rather as a sort of mental/psychological equivalent of someone at the start of a marathon race; ie with respect.

I work for a primary care psychology service and we run courses for all sorts of common mental health problems, including low self-esteem which is one of the most popular. I know this service isn't available all over the uk but check with your GP coz they will know.

The surgery may also have a mental health practitioner/counsellor you can book in to see, generally can get up to 3-6 sessions free. A lot of the therapy available on the NHS is CBT because it is is more cost effective and has a better evidence base than other types (not saying it doesn't have it's flaws though laurie and jaydubs!)

One thing that many of our patients like about it is that is quite forward focus and discourages the type of 'navel gazing' that seems to put you off. It will focus more on how you want things to be different from they are now and how to achieve those things.

And I think part of the reason people see therapy as self-indulgent is the American idea of everyone having a therapist like they have a dentist or a GP, basically someone to whine at about your job/mum/partner/whatever. It is not like that over here IME.

And I can honestly say, I have never looked at a patient in a session and thought 'Oh, why don't you shut the fuck up you whiny twat, don't you know there are people with real problems out there'. I promise! Like laurie and jaydubs have said, it is a priviledge to hear about people lives and try to help them enjoy them a bit more.

When I worked as a person-centred therapist for a charity, we used to offer six to twelve weekly sessions. It doesn't have to be a marathon, and a lot can be achieved if you get somebody good. As I am no longer practising, I have taken one crappy counsellor out of the pool at least .

Glad you found it so helpful, itsonlyajob. I know what you mean about the cost, I really do - but in the end you have to look at it differently - what price happiness/contentment/joy/health? What value would you put on these things? And then you'll find that £350 or whatever isn't really that much.

Wow, what a great update Thanks!

Grace basic four stroke engine is SUCK,SQUEEZE,BANG,BLOW
Love this thread ,CBT rocks !

Be careful - draining men can make you physically poorly. I think it's their needyness that makes them draining. Also some needy men - NEED a lot but can't love back. Are you sre this guy is capable of love?