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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cultural problems with Nigerian Hubby

37 replies

Bexstar5 · 19/07/2010 14:36

I need advice. Married to a Nigerian and having major cultural and compatibility problems. We have a 2½ dd and not sure what to do for the best. Please advise...

OP posts:
wahwahwah · 19/07/2010 14:38

I guess we need more information to advise.

Bexstar5 · 19/07/2010 14:53

Sorry - you're right! Well, we seem to be polar opposites. What he finds acceptable, I don't and vice versa. Starting with the silly ending with the important...
He slurps his drinks, I don't
He wipes the plate with his finger then licks, I don't
He thinks it's ok not to visit my parents with me and DD at xmas, birthdays, celebratory times of the year etc, I don't
He sometimes seems de-void of emotions and he is definitely inexperienced when it comes to women. I feel like I with a stroppy teenager. If we have had a row, he wants to say sorry (sometimes) and then move on and not discuss problem.
He currently isn't working (in fairness only just received NI no) and looking after DD a couple of times a week but I feel as though he isn't doing enough with her. He won't take her to groups but will take her to park/library.
Was my birthday on Sat and it was totally ruined - argument at 2 and didn't start talking till 10 last night.
I feel like my life was better before (emotionally and financially!!)but he now has a bond with our DD. Will it effect her more not to have him here or worse to be from a single parent??? HELP.....can go on and on but think I have said enough already!

OP posts:
tummytickler · 19/07/2010 14:56

Is this to do with him being Nigerian or just being a man.
It sounds more compatibility than cultural from what you say.
The plate thing is gross though.
What does dh say when you confront him about this issues (the not visiting family would really get to me) - does he give you reasons?

Rafwife · 19/07/2010 14:57

Did you not feel this would be a huge issue before you had a child and married?

It's quite a common thing with people marrying from abroad especially places like Nigeria as they are so different in their culture.

Not saying it's always the case but quite common not sure what to say sorry.

wahwahwah · 19/07/2010 14:58

How long have you been together? Is doesn't sound like a cultural issue here - just personality and habits!

irises · 19/07/2010 15:00

Agree it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with him being Nigerian to me!

Bexstar5 · 19/07/2010 15:01

Hmmm well he is always blaming it on culture and background which sometimes I feel is a copout!
Problem is, we didn't meet here so we were in a bit of a bubble. Both on different territory. He only got here after I had DD.

OP posts:
irises · 19/07/2010 15:05

My dh is of Nigerian extraction but born in the UK and he doesn't have ANY of the weird and wonderful habits that yours does!

In fact he's grossed out if I lick my fingrs after eating a cream cake, makes me go & wash my hands instead.

Spero · 19/07/2010 15:08

I have had quite a few Nigerian male clients who do say things like in their culture, the women are expected to defer to the man etc, etc which is all very well but they are not living in Nigeria any more and there are different cultural expectations which apply in the UK, so they need to at least try to get their heads around that.

Ime, this does seem to be put forward as a way of avoiding dealing with the issue at hand i.e it is easier to say 'my culture says I don't have to take your criticism seriously so I won't'.

I agree that the examples of behaviour/incompatibility you give don't seem to have much if anything to do with Nigerian cultural values and it does sound like he is trying to avoid the issues.

I don't think there is anything particularly distinctive about him being Nigerian - you are incompatible about some pretty basic issues, some trivial, some less so and you are facing a problem universal to couples getting into problems - do you love each other enough to respect that each other sees things differently, that each perspective can be valid and that you need to work together to find a compromise you can both live with? You may need some professional help to get there, but I think him being Nigerian is a bit of a red herring honestly.

MorningTownRide · 19/07/2010 15:09

DH has looked after DD and DS from when they were babies.

He mostly avoided groups. It can be very intimidating as a man at groups full of women.

Not cultural at all!

Bexstar5 · 19/07/2010 15:39

There are lots of problems all round and you are right, Spero - it all depends how much we love each other. We do love each other very much. Perhaps I just don't love him as much as I should/would like. I am confused.

OP posts:
Spero · 19/07/2010 15:51

Ok, that is a brilliant starting point. You do love each other, presumably you both want each other in your lives?

So I think you both have to decide; what issues you can live with (if I met a man I loved I don't think I would give a flying fart if he slurped his drink or wiped his plate with his finger!!) and what issues are likely to fatally undermine your respect and love for one another (and I can see that his refusal to join in family celebrations could be tricky).

the latter issues you have to deal with as they won't get any better, they will only fester and ultimately probably destroy your relationship which would be a great shame as you love each other and you have a child together.

The only thing I can suggest however is that you get professional help if you can't talk about these things constructively together. He may not at the moment be very open to that idea; counselling and therapy are quite Western European constructs and I do have sympathy with fact that he might not be very familiar or comfortable with these kind of processes at the moment. But if he does love you he will at least agree to give things a go.

good luck.

EzrasMummy · 19/07/2010 16:15

Well I married someone not from here, and we had major cultural issues. I am now divorcing him. Maybe you could wait and see how things go. its Early days. Has he just come here to live recently (I asked because of the NI Number?)

GypsyMoth · 19/07/2010 16:42

well how did you meet?

EzrasMummy · 19/07/2010 16:59

Take a look at my other posts

Sammyuni · 19/07/2010 19:00

I am of Nigerian descent and none of the examples you gave have anything to do with culture...

Just looks like a problem with him alone.

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 19/07/2010 19:15

My DH isn't Nigerian and picks the bloody plate up and licks it!

Butterbur · 20/07/2010 14:07

Nothing you have said seems to be an insurmountable problem. In fact in some ways your DH sounds sweet. I wish mine would apologise after a row, instead of always insisting he was in the right.

Sexually inexperienced sounds nice too - like he was waiting for someone really special - you.

If he is doing childcare, perhaps you should let him do it his way, as long as she is well cared for and happy. TBH a lot of men wouldn't want to go to groups where they would be the only male, and would probably sit on their own for the duration.

He doesn't sound controlling, or as if he is expecting you to be submissive.

Surely you can work on the rest?

My DH has some horrible habits. He eats with his mouth open, talks with his mouth full, washes pans in the (dirty) sink. I have some too, like sniffing when I have a cold, and not always putting my hand properly over my mouth when I cough or sneeze. We both try to be more tolerant, and to make compromises.

Oh, and I only ask DH to visit my parents at Christmas.

Bexstar5 · 21/07/2010 13:34

Thanks for all your messages - it's been really helpful to see it from another perspective. Haven't been able to get on line before now - so sorry for late post.

I haven't given the full picture but certain things he puts down to his culture and I either have to accept that or find out by research or speaking to some of his family as he has 1 or 2 here (don't want to go that far though!).

It's funny because in my culture and family background - going to family for mediation is just not done. More often if it's required, we go to professionals but he's family have always insisted that I see them. In the beginning I hated the idea but I am extremely close to one 'auntie'. I did start going to her and it felt really alien but you know what, it worked and helped more than I can ever imagine. So, now I don't want to run to her at every twist and turn or give her hypertension as she puts it lol.

I think we are on a very rocky road and going through difficult times but with love and compromise, I hope we can work it out. I feel at the moment that if in a few years I look back and laugh at the problems we had, I will be surprised because I just can't see this marriage lasting. Just saying that makes me feel awful and terribly disloyal to my dh.

Please - it isn't just about slurping drinks etc. It is about values and principles too. It is about what he thinks is 'right' compared with my views. It runs deeper than a few bad habits. It is also about his lack of emotion and sensitivity (oh and btw, when I said he was inexeperienced I didn't necessarily mean sex. He doesn't have any experience in a long-term committed relationship). We have both changed and are working at it. Just hope we last the distance.

Once again, thanks everyone!

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 21/07/2010 13:39

None of it soudns Nigerian. Just sounds like simple teething problems.

To be honest none of it sounds too bad apart from the table manners - which do sound vile.

Don;t think it's too bad that he doesn't want to come with you to your family - perhaps he feels unwelcome. Anyway they are your fanily not his, just go on you own.

Re taking dd to groups - i never did either. Those places are awful.

If you have a row and he says sorry perhaps he just wants to move on, just because you want to analyse things afterwards doesn't mean that he should. It depends on what you are arguing about.

Bexstar5 · 21/07/2010 14:01

Just to clarify, it isn't that my family are unwelcoming. In fact, I have been pretty easy on him and he has only met my mum, dad, bro and some friends. I haven't even pushed him to meet all my family and friends. When I met my dh I had not been talking my to father for 10 years and he was the one pushing me to make up with him...it seems now I have, he doesn't even want to support me in seeing him.

As for groups - yeah, most are awful like you say, but there is one outstanding one in my area and that is the one I want them to go to. She needs the interaction and her mind occupied. Like I said, he isn't doing enough with her in the day. It is proven by the early hour she wakes when he has her.

Anyway, enough. I could ramble on for ever. Am thankful for all messages of support.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 21/07/2010 15:41

Bexstar - it does just sound like incompatibility rather than him being Nigerian.

However - if he is looking after her then he should decide what they are doing. It doesn't matter if YOU want them to go to a particular group or not. What do they do during the day out of interest?

I am confused by how it is proven he's not doing enough because she wakes up early?

Bexstar5 · 21/07/2010 15:59

I thought it would have mattered what I want as her mother (especially as I brought her up on my own for the first 2 years and still am supporting us all financially, half a year on) but you have your own view.

He doesn't do much with her. Plays at home. Perhaps plonks her in front of the tele for all I know. Regarding waking early, if she is with me or nursery, she exerts all her energy and wakes up regular time (still early tho! 6am!) but if he has her she is waking at 4 or 5. That does seem to show she isn't expelling all her energy throughout the day. At best, he takes her to the park in the am.

OP posts:
holden01 · 20/01/2011 21:56

This reply has been deleted

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BooBooGlass · 20/01/2011 21:59

Holden you tool, you have resurrected a thread more than 6 months old purely to have a go at the OP. Well done Hmm

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