I'm thinking of leaving :(

[Hazeleyedbaby]

This is my first post but been lurking for a while, I'm hoping people can give me their honest views/advice?

Bit of background - I have been with DF for 4yrs have an 8 month old DS who is my whole world and I adore him. DF is a good dad in that he does nappies, will do the night shift when he is off work, bath him if I ask etc.

The problem is I really don't think I love Df anymore and I am thinking of leaving him, he doesn't seem to have any ambition (been in the same min wage job for 20+yrs) he is very intelligent but has no ambition whatsoever which I find soul destroying, on his days off we never go anywhere or do anything as a family unless I nag, he prefers to watch TV all day and sit on his laptop with is so boring!

About a month ago I was helping my mum out so DF was looking after DS and I asked him to give him his dinner at 5.30pm, bath 6.30pm and I would be back to give him his bottle for bed. Anyway I get home at 7.10pm and DS is screaming the place down, DF is trying to feed him and he was shattered so I went off on one asking him why on earth was he feeding him so late and asked had he been on his laptop again, which he denied. I could tell he was lying from his reaction so I checked his comp history and I was right, instead of feeding our son he was on bloody porn sites! I was fuming (must add that I don't have an issue with porn as such but prioritising it over feeding our DS was unbelievable). I didn't say anything to him the next day and he went to bed early saying how tired he was, but I noticed the modem lights flashing so again knew he was online so I checked the history of his comp and he had been on webcam chat sites (I feel deeply offended that he would rather be on these sites talking to strangers than be with me). A day or so later he was showing me a pic on his phone he had taken of DS and his gallery of pics came up and I could see pics of girls so I challenged him to show me and it was screen shots of the girls he had been chatting to online. He said he took them to wind a guy up at work about the girls on the site and swore he had only just found the website - which I knew to be lies from his comp history. Anyway I also confronted him about the porn when he should have been feeding DS and he swore over our sons life he wasn't online until I showed him the proof. I am so upset with him doing that, it is unforgivable

Anyway the relationship has been quite sour for a while now, I had PND and don't feel he supported me much, I feel resentful that I have to do all his washing, ironing etc as he leaves everything at his backside, I blame his upbringing as his mum does everything for his dad.

I also want to move as no longer feel a flat in a town centre is a good place to bring up DS - I want a garden for him to play, a property in a quiet location away from pubs and busy road but DF does not want to sell the flat (in his name) as we spent a lot of money on doing it up to a high standard, he has no motivation to do any DIY at all etc and think the flat is a good place for DS!

I went mental at him over his lying and told him I no longer wanted to be with a liar, took off my engagement ring etc but he is acting like nothing has happened!

I think I am going to leave him but feel guilty that DS would grow up in a broken home although DF would still live in the same town and I would never stop him seeing his son, the opposite in fact I would always encourage it.

Am i being ridiculous to leave what is an unfulfilling relationship where I feel I am not respected, and no longer find my DF sexually attractive - BTW we have not had sex for months as the relationship is on the rocks and he is in the spare bedroom for his snoring.

Any advice? Sorry this post has been so long but it felt good writing it all down!

i think you'e right he sounds like a twat.

Are there any positive points to this relationship?

He is a nice guy and when he isn't acting like a moron he is great company, we can have a laugh and share the same sense of humor, he tells me he loves me daily, he is good with our son.

Do you feel loved?

Do you feel respected?

Is it fun?

swearing on his son's life - that is unforgivable! as for where you both see yorselves in the future - it seems like 2 diff paths.

how long have you been feeling you ahve been growing apart?

as for wanting to leave, you should not feel bad - your son would be in same country/city as his dad which is more than i could hope for if i was going to leave my hubby.

do what is best for you. broken home is better than a bad atmosphere in the house. i figure 2 parents who make it their priority to show the child they love him more than anything in the world is the most important thing!

i wish you best of luck and know what you must be going through right now

Why does he have no ambition, could he be depressed?

Are you saying that he has done all this changing since your eight month old baby was born?

Cause i find that hard to believe, i think most guys are who they are pretty early on in a relationship and dont bother to hide their deeper selves. Whats so different about him now, is it the porn? Could he be accessing it because he misses sex, with you?

Want to be fair to your other half, Hazeleyedbaby, but I want to repeat what Custardo said, sorry.

Doesn't sound like he pulls his weight as a parent and his prioirty is still him, him and lastly, him.

He should no more be surfing porn when he should be looking after / feeding your son than you should be lighting up a pipe of crack at the breakfast table.

Not particularly pro-porn but it's not really like crack, is it!? Not that I'm defending him you understand...

That said, you really shouldn't have to put up with such an idiot. I suggest you sit him down, tell him how you're feeling, ask him if he thinks he can meet you half-way (nobody ever changes 100%). If he's not prepared to talk about it and then demonstrate the changes then get gone. Don't just sit and wait for him to change - he's probably unaware that you even want him to. You'll have to spell it out!

Thanks for the replies.

Anitabush - no I don't feel respected when he can tell me blatant lies

Rita 2007 - I think we have been growing apart since early on in my pregnancy, I was very ill and it caused a lot of strain things went downhill from there. I hope you find a solution for your situation (((hugs)))

breathtakingben - he could be depressed but I think it is more to do with his upbringing, he is doing the same job his dad did until retirement and has never had any real ambition, he is intelligent, has written a novel but never done anything about publishing it, that's him all over - lazy I suppose?

Rupert22 - See above I think it has been going downhill since early on in the pregnancy (baby was very much wanted by both) The porn isn't the issue it is the lying and prioritising porn over the care of our son that gets me mad. He has always looked at porn even when we were at it like rabbits.

I think you have outgrown this man, unfortunately

You should move on

If he was saying he wanted to put things right and showing by his actions he wanted to work with you together to sort it out, I would say give it a chance for your dc's sake

But nope, he isn't going to do that, is he ?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head Anyfucker - I have outgrown him

My heart isn't in it anymore and feeling anxious about going it alone with DS....

It is natural to feel anxious about such a life change

Staying in a dead relationship will crush your spirit, though

Im sorry to keep going on, but what i am trying to get at is this: He was the same guy two years ago that you very much wanted a baby with. Ok, apart from prioritising porn over feeding the baby. But he was a non ambitious guy who loved porn when you dearly wanted his baby. Was that wise? Or did you not think it would matter when the baby arrived?

I see where you are coming from but to be honest I think it is probably me who has changed, in that I wanted/expected him to be a family man rather than thinking life would be unchanged e.g. he still wants to go out to the pub with friends etc when I want to prioritise doing things as a family on a Saturday afternoon.

I think I want him to show some ambition now to teach good lessons to DS as he grows up, not to teach him to settle into a rut, your right it did not bother me before but it really does now

rupert, surely it's irrelevant now why she got with him? She did, and now she's dealing with his twattishness as best she can.

I would leave, I think that a lot of what is holding you back is simple fear and worry about the practicalities, and not any real love for him. Or you worry about what people will think for 'breaking up a family' when really you must know that your DS will be way happier with just you.

I do worry about the practicalities of leaving but I am feeling strong enough to go through with it, I am also very concerned about what people will think of me for breaking up our family particularly DFs parents. My mum and aunt know how I am feeling and have said they will support me in any way they can. They like DF but can see that his behaviour is difficult to live with.

Its only relevant insofar as it clarifies in her mind whats happened here, and that seems to be that she has changed, rather than it being anything particular the guy has done,

It happens, its very sad when a child is involved, and it does make me think lots of us should think longer and harder before bringing babies into the world. Yes we adore our kids and wouldnt turn the clock back, but it didnt stand much of a chance when the relationsip was not as solid as it should have been.

But then again, even the most solid marriages flounder so i dont really know what i'm saying.

I do know you cant, and shouldnt stay if you are that unhappy, and i wish you all the best x

Rupert, I get what you are saying, FWIW

Not this thread (sorry OP, am hijacking slightly here), but another posting where you really really wonder why women think having a baby will "fix" things or that miraculously, a twat will turn into a prince just because you had a baby

OP, some things you are willing to overlook when you are just a couple, are really not compatible with family life

Most men realise that without having to be told, tbh

Overgrown teenagers and small babies do not mix (unless you don't mind having to look after him too ...)

DPs family think the sun shines out of him so I will get all the blame, I am prepared for that. He phones his mother several times every day and would upset our plans at the drop of a hat to help her out (she is fit and able as is his dad!).

He is 45 so in fairness I would have thought he would grow up once we had a family. He was on his own for a long time before we got together and has never lived with another woman.

Thanks AnyFucker

I dont want to be preachy, god knows i have no room to talk. My sister is going through the same thing op, she married a nice,pleasant painter and decorator who likes a few pints at the pub and thinks ok is good enough. She wants out now, and they have a four year old. He hasnt changed, still the same guy, but she wants him to want more. Having babies changes us for the better I think, in most cases. We want health and an end to all child cruelty and generally strive more. It doesnt seem to have the same effect on men.

Sis is having trouble getting support and his family are being awful, but she has us and will be fine. I worry about him though. I think he will use it as an excuse to drink and achieve less. Hope i am wrong.

As long as you have your family to support you, its very do able.

gosh, it's getting clearer and clearer

immature mummy's boy who has never lived with a woman

I think its very common when a baby comes along that women change and men just carry on as before.
It's nobody's fault, its just that having dc changes your whole outlook on life and you suddenly have different priorities. Although I do think that watching porn instead of feeding ds and then swearing on his life is appalling.
My ex sounds a lot like your dh. When we met I loved that he was so easy going and laid back, but when ds came along it annoyed me because he never wanted to do anything as a family and still wanted to spend all weekend watching footy, playing rugby, going to the pub etc.
If you really feel like its the end then you should leave. Your ds won't suffer, he'll still see his dad, but he will be affected if you stay with your dh just for his sake.
Good luck

Ginnny it's not just an unfulfilling relationship. He's a liar and is behaving like a selfish child. The lying will be more far reaching than just about the Porn I suspect, it certainly was with my H. As your child gets older do you really want him to be growing up in an environment like this? Someone on mumsnet said something very wise to me when I was struggling to end my marriage with my H:

"I know you want a stable father figure for your kids, but it is equally important that your children see their mother being treated with love and respect, both by a partner and by herself.

The message we send to our children when we sell ourselves short by accepting far far less than we should can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as adults and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unrealiable and dishonest.

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them."

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree but how does he treat you? Apart from the laziness and spending all his time on his computer when home looking at other women? Can you continue to live with this whilst bringing up your child with him? Surely it will just eat away at your soul and what about your child, was he being neglected by your partner when you were absent? Left to play on his own whilst daddy looked at pretty woman? AF put it so much better than me but unless he is serious about wanting to work through things and find a middle ground and step up to the plate and take his responsibilities as a father seriously, it would be wise to leave and give your child a healthier environment to grow up in.

If you're worried about finances and living arrangements, I suggest you go and see citizens advice, as they will be able to tell you your rights, what help is available etc and put your mind at rest.