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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hotel Date

53 replies

scaredyetexcited · 17/07/2010 20:43

Going to take new relationship that one step further.

Date in a hotel planned. He is bringing champagne, cd's and player, and candles, so obviously making an effort. Oh, and condoms too, in case anyone's wondering.

He wants to meet in the hotel too. Like he arrive first and leave door on latch to text me door number, kind of thing.

I'm excited - he's so yummy and I've been looking forward to this, but I'm so scared....

Worried about being slightly overweight when he's so athletic - I think he's noticed that already, so will gloss over that one. Really want this to work, all the jitters about new partner thing. I've lost my confidence and self esteem over the years.

Any tips on how to make the perfect day....

OP posts:

TDiddy · 17/07/2010 20:46

Relax. How long have you know him?

Original poster

scaredyetexcited · 17/07/2010 21:02

Eight months - His wife died of cancer last year and we've been discussing this subject and his guilt over moving on. He's a sensitive man - hence the champagne, cd's etc, yet I feel so awkward. I'm guessing I like him more than he likes me (I'm divorced and there are no young children involved on either side) and it seems so heavy to discuss relationships. I dont wish to appear pushy, needy, whatever.

I'm terrified this isnt going to work - trying to hard etc. He's a very youthful 50 and I'm 47

OP posts:

TheUsefulSuspect · 17/07/2010 21:07

Just relax, go and enjoy yourself, lifes too short to worry

create · 17/07/2010 21:09

He's doing all that and you're guessing you like him more than he likes you? I don't think so

So that it's not all about the hotel room, could you have dinner/drinks or a walk first and then go back to the room together?

purplehonesty · 17/07/2010 21:11

I agree with create. He is obv very keen on you. Have a wee glass of vino first to help you relax

SandyBits · 17/07/2010 21:14

I don't want to rain on your parade, but have you been to his house? I'd be v reluctant to go to a hotel, you never know what (or who) he's hiding at home otherwise

mtroid · 17/07/2010 21:14

From a blokes POV, I thik you have nothing to worry about. It's clear he likes you. Have a great date.

Original poster

scaredyetexcited · 17/07/2010 21:33

SandyBits - Yes, I have been to his house - another concern. I feel inferior in all respects. He's house is just beautiful - thatched cottage. I don't feel comfortable there because nothing's been moved since wife's passing. Make up on dresser, shoes coat in hall. Oh, and wife's ashes on shelf in lounge together with framed order of service of memorial service. I dont feel I measure up quite frankly. I don't even know if I can go along with this, to be honest.

He's trying very hard but I think he's only doing this to make me happy. I don't think his heart's there despite the effort he's making. Part of me thinks, should I say, "Look, (insert Christian name), you really don't have to do this. It's fine." Yet, part of me thinks to relax, and have a great day.

Hotel can be cancelled with 24 hours notice, so effectively I have two weeks to be nervous, bite the bullet and go for it or cancel out.

OP posts:

Rafwife · 17/07/2010 21:40

With the new info, I think you'd be wise to take a step back it almost now sounds as if he just wants anyone to be there and is just being OTT.

Especially if he can't even bare to pack his wifes things away as if she still lives, it sounds too soon for him. You will get hurt.

SandyBits · 17/07/2010 21:44

Seriously? His wife's stuff is still out and she's on the mantlepiece
I know people take time, but blimey. I don't think he is ready to be dating at all, and I think you could end up getting very hurt. If he presumably lives by himself then why can't the nice night in happen at his? That's all I was getting at. And now it seems clear. There is another woman. She just happens to be dead

create · 17/07/2010 21:52

Oh dear

What a shame. He sounds lovely, but is sooo not ready for your relationship to move on if he can't put his wife's shoes away (and 8 months isn't very long, so it's not that surprising I suppose)

I think you're right not to go ahead FTB

Rafwife · 17/07/2010 21:53

Indeed SB, this is really so sad actually. He is clearly still not accepted his wife is dead and that she has gone, so very sad.

Unfortunately for whatever reson he feels he should be dating and op is going to get stuck in the crossfire so sad all round really

Sassybeast · 17/07/2010 22:00

I don't think anyone here is qualified to decide if he has accepted his wifes death/is over it or anything else. Every single person will react differently to the death of a spouse and I think only YOU can judge if this is a step that you want to take. 8 months is 'not' a long time and yes it 'may' be awkward and emotional OR it may be that this man has found something special in you and he may just be able to start living again. i'd keep the booking, try not to over think it, and maybe do the whole dinner and a few glasses of wine first and see how it goes. Assuming that you've not stayed over at his, even if you only end up sleeping together in the same bed without anything happening, then that may be just what you both need in order to move things forward.

Original poster

scaredyetexcited · 17/07/2010 22:07

Thanks all

I've known him 8 months. It's been 11 months since wife's passing, and he didn't get involved with me romantically then at all. I merely helped with taking his collie dog to the vets which he just couldn't do - and a friendship developed from there.

He has no children at all, thrown himself into work and I've been a shoulder to cry on I spose. We've got close and I'm thinking he'd like to do this, but just can't. He holds my hand walking down the street, he tried his best but I still think this is all for my benefit. He's told me he isn't in love with me and I replied that I wasn't expecting him to be.

I'd like to make him happy - but I have nagging doubts he is going to say something I'll find difficult. Better just stay friends and leave it a while really because I'm nervous now and I've still got two weeks.

OP posts:

Rafwife · 17/07/2010 22:11

People may not be "qualified" but I'd say from what you have written here and your doubts, you are not sure he is over his wife and it does not look like it either.

Again no "qualification" same as everyone else just using what you have wrote and it's my opinion especially with your doubts you will get hurt, sorry.

Original poster

scaredyetexcited · 17/07/2010 22:58

Yes, I think I will get hurt. He's just logged onto msn and although I'm appearing offline I could log in and say hi. I can't even do that - and I'm contemplating an intimate encounter?? Says it all.

No Sassybeast, I've never stayed over at his. I feel like an intruder and it's so perfect. It's like a showhouse unlike mine with teenage clutter.

He makes me cry. (Mid life crisis maybe - getting too emotional) I really really like him but sensing it's not mutual I feel miserable and that was never the intention.

OP posts:

MuthaHubbard · 17/07/2010 23:49

I agree with SB - if he has no kids at home then why go to hotel?

he may seem to be moving on quickly to some as he may have had time to get used to her dying as she was ill.

Ashes in the room isn't too freaky imo (though discreet rather than on full show) - but the clothes/shoe/make up thing is, like he's waiting for her to come home and it's 'their' house still? though of course everyone deals with death differently, this still seems odd to me

i do think you need to be v careful and protect your feelings - if it doesn't feel right then it isn't

ItsGraceActually · 18/07/2010 01:59

I agree with Sassy. A bereaved person has to start moving back into the world of the living at some point, and there's no set pattern for grieving. If there's been a long illness, a large part of the grieving is already done by the time the death happens - but that can, in a peculiar way, interrupt the process. He'll know when it's the 'right' time to put his wife's things away.

OP, it sounds as though he feels it's the 'right' time to experiment with intimacy again, and he's chosen you I think it's very sweet that he's making a special effort: it's an important step for each of you, and it seems right to mark it with a little bit of ceremony. You're bound to feel nervous but try not to put too much pressure on yourselves! As Sassy says, it might turn out not to be the moment to 'go all the way' after all - perhaps it'd be a good idea to cover that eventuality before you go?

I hear what you're saying about staying offline on MSN; maybe this isn't going to be The Big One for you, but nobody says it's got to be ... could be you're just doing each other some favours for now. As long as you enjoy each other's company, and have a lovely time, it's all good!

Original poster

scaredyetexcited · 18/07/2010 08:28

Cried myself to sleep. Put msn on phone and left it to see if he'd leave a message - anything. He was online till at least 2am at which point I fell asleep and he didn't leave a message.

Left phone on all night. This morning 7.30am he logs on and asks if I slept well, obviously interested to know if I'm going to comment on him being online into early hours. Just said, yes, thank you and left it there. No further communication in an hour.

Something isn't right. He has someone else to speak to all night, which technically isn't my business - but his lack of communication with me is my business and all the champagne and pretending in the world, won't make me happy.

I now can't make mind up whether this man is a b*ard or a coward. Yes, we do enjoy each other's company - often have lunch and evenings out, but more and more I'm getting the sense of really being used and I can't do the hotel thing, as I really like him and it hurts already.

OP posts:

Mumfun · 18/07/2010 08:41

I do agree with GraceActually.

Are you thinking he has another woman on MSN? Maybe he could be in the same situation as I am - getting support over current difficulties from a cousin overseas who chats on Skype to help me.

Of course its your prerogative to say its all too much for you. But he seems to be trying to get back into life and seems to be very considerate to you. And yes it might be a bit much for him to take you back to the house he shared with her. But it doesnt mean as he makes it more and more back into life that he wont take you there eventually. He has a lot to deal with.

I know another man in this kids of situation but whose wife died from a different medical situation. He had known she was going to die for a long time. He did start seeing someone quickly after her death (again someone who had provided a little practical support. )They are getting married soon - but it has taken them a while to work through it all.

Saffysmum · 18/07/2010 09:07

He's dealing with the loss of his wife, who it sounds as though he loved very much. This will take as long as it takes, you can't put a time on when he will get over it. He wants to move on, because he realises that he needs to, but because he's grieving there's no way he could contemplate another woman staying overnight in their house. When he does move on, either with you, or someone else, he will be taking the first steps to accepting that life is different. Then he may be able to face changing things at home, putting her stuff away, etc. He needs to grieve and he will - unfortunately it sounds as though already you are wanting a lot from this friendship/relationship. Please accept that he's running on empty and will be for a while - he simply wants a bit of fun, to escape from all the pain, and he likes you a lot, but I think if you want more, at this early stage, you will be very hurt.

If you can give him time, and see it as a nice friendship with sex which may or may not develop into more, then you should continue to see him. But he needs to work through a lot of grief, and that can't be hurried. He's already told you he doesn't love you, so he's honest. Try and see the situation exactly as it is, rather than what you want it to be, then hopefully you will protect yourself. If you can't cope with it - then walk away from the hotel thing, and just continue being friends. There should be no rush. Good luck.

ItsGraceActually · 18/07/2010 14:22

"Try and see the situation exactly as it is, rather than what you want it to be, then hopefully you will protect yourself. If you can't cope with it - then walk away"

Very good advice imo, Saffy. scared, it's almost as though you're trying to evaluate this relationship without reference to his widowhood. The things you mentioned would be red flags under more usual circumstances but, as someone put it earlier, there is someone else- and she's dead. He has been completely onest with you - and, by showing you his home, has let you see his feelings about his wife.

I feel it could be good for both of you, if you're able to accept his grief as part of him for now. If not, then there's no shame on you as long as you're honest.

AnyFucker · 18/07/2010 14:30

He doesn't sound like a horrible bloe, far from it

But, OP, I agree with the others who say you shoul protect your feelings here

You sound lovely, and not someone who would be happy to have sex without proper intimacy

Unfortunately, the signs I am seeing here is that you would end up being his "stepping stone" or "transition relationship", as it were

If you are not happy to be that, don't go there

No reason you can't remain friends though

rupert22 · 18/07/2010 14:39

Agree you need to watch out from being hurt. Also, the 'staged scene' at the hotel is kind of weird, imo, lacking all sponteneity which, for a first time, i think is a bit off.

rosieposey · 18/07/2010 14:49

Agree with rupert22 about the staged scene scenario, if it was going to happen then there is no reason why it shouldnt happen in his house but the reason it wont is because short of a satistfying his physical needs he isnt by the sounds of it ready for the same type of relationship you are. It would 'sully' her memory iyswim if it was done in 'their' home and the fact that all of her things are there like she never left shows its probably never going to be what you want it to be.

I am really sorry for you though, you sound like you care for him deeply - speak to him and tell him that you dont want to go down that route (if indeed you dont) at the moment as you think that he may possibly still have quite alot of grieving to do but you will be there for him in every other aspect. Do you think you could do that?

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