Hotel Date

[scaredyetexcited]

Going to take new relationship that one step further.

Date in a hotel planned. He is bringing champagne, cd's and player, and candles, so obviously making an effort. Oh, and condoms too, in case anyone's wondering.

He wants to meet in the hotel too. Like he arrive first and leave door on latch to text me door number, kind of thing.

I'm excited - he's so yummy and I've been looking forward to this, but I'm so scared....

Worried about being slightly overweight when he's so athletic - I think he's noticed that already, so will gloss over that one. Really want this to work, all the jitters about new partner thing. I've lost my confidence and self esteem over the years.

Any tips on how to make the perfect day....

Yes, rosieposey, I have told him that, a few weeks ago when this idea of moving things on was first discussed.

He told me I was special, and I deserved the best and whatever happened we'd always remain friends. He then went to the Far East for a while on work related business, kept in touch while there, sent me touristy postcards and said we'd meet up properly when back.

That's where we are now. I don't think he's ready to move on at all. I think he's doing this to keep me happy and I've told him again today he doesn't have to. If he wants to change his mind, I do understand and I'm quite happy to remain friends. He says he definitely does feel it's right, but won't push me and we'll have dinner during the week and a heart to heart

That sounds good, talk honestly and if you really are such good friends (which im sure you are ) then he will understand you not wanting to get hurt.

On the other hand if he says he is ready for this step it could really turn into something special and you could have some lovely mutual fun along the way.

I get the feeling the hotel is because he feels guilty having sex in the house where he lived with his wife.

11 months is no time at all when you have lost your wife. For whatever reason he likes you as a friend and has decided to try and take it further but it just isn't happening.

I don't think he is a bad man, just a sad one trying to move on with his life because it is expected but not being able to. For whatever reason.

Imo if you can't talk honestly to a man, you shouldn't have sex with him.

People are making a lot of assumptions here. The ones who are saying there is no right way to grieve have got more of a handle on it. It is not straightforward and you have a lot of contradictory feelings. My husband died two years ago, so I have some experience.

This man may want to go to a hotel because home feels too loaded, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to a relationship or doesn't care about the op. As I said, it is complicated. I will always love and miss my husband, but I have both had feelings for other people and the desire for a relationship too. (hasn't worked out but that isn't because I am "stuck" or whatever, or the fact I still have my husband's dressing gown in my bedroom. It's nice and roomy, I like wearing it).

So, I still have my husband's clothes etc about the place, but that does not mean you can't be with anyone else, or you won't until you pack your dead partner's stuff away. In some ways that has nothing to do with the subsequent relationships you have.

You don't get over such a loss, you learn to live with it and try painfully to build another life. Obviously, being with someone else is part of that so I don't think the op should give up. See what happens. He sounds as if he does care for you.

The hotel is definitely because of guilt. He's honest. He's said it is. I realise that too. I don't want to be in his house and I don't want to introduce him to my older teenagers because it seems so heavy and just inappropriate.

He was married and faithful for 25 years, helped his wife with her career and sacrificed his at one point to establish hers. They were great friends too and had shared hobbies. I do respect this. In some ways I feel I'm betraying her as if she was here, this situation wouldn't arise. I want him to move on properly if and when it's right and not before.

We do talk a lot and I don't do one night stands or shag on first night - coventgarden.

Never thought for one minute you did, scaredyexcited.

I can see so many things here and have nodded a lot throughout the thread.
My lovely DH died from cancer just over two years ago, it took me a while to feel that I could pack some of his stuff away, we have photos around the house I think it's important for the kids to have things that help them to remember and talk about their dad.
I met someone but it took me ages to actually go on a proper date with him, not cos I didn't like him but cos I really didn't know if I was ready for a relationship, it was hard to imagine being with someone else after 17 years with my DH.
Also I have 3 children who have autism and I needed to be careful for them too.
I have had wobbly moments in the early days but, we are amazingly happy we got engaged at six weeks we aren't rushing to live together or get married, we have 5 children between us we all get on very well.
I think you have to both be honest and I know that's not always easy.
I think he has been honest I also think that he isn't sure if he is ready and to be honest I don't know any widows that have totally known without doubt that they are ready until it happens.
I'm sorry that you don't feel that you can match up to his wife, is that how you feel or is that how you feel he makes you feel?
My fiancé feels secure and says he doesn't feel threatened or not as good as my DH, thou he did say after I had moved the photo from my bedroom that he felt a bit odd with the photo there thou he wanted me to move it when and if I wanted to.
I do think people expect blokes that are widowed to move along quicker than women who are widowed, are his family supportive?
Sorry to have rambled on as you can tell it's something that has been a bit of an issue for me.
With regards to grieving before someone dies, I'm not sure that's always the case, there is always hope and often if you are main carer you don't have much time to grieve, you do get the chance to talk about their wishes and other stuff.

Was listening to Desert Island Discs with Vince Cable (pre coalition ) and he wears two wedding rings. One for his marriage to his wife who died with cancer, and another one for the woman he is married to currently.

Thought this was lovely; that both women are a part of his life, but also that his current wife is happy with it. Very generous in heart and spirit.

My Dad died 5 years after my mum (she was 57 and he was 65 so not old). When we cleared his house we saw he hadn't got rid of anything of my mum's at all. All her clothes were still there, her make-up still in the bedroom. It was 2 years before he moved her coat from the bannisters.

It was bloody hard getting rid of their stuff and LOADS of work so I think most of his reluctance was not wanting to deal with the emotions involved and pure laziness. It may not be that he is keeping the house as a shrine to his wife although I would be very careful with your heart.

scaredyetexcited - the chap sounds like he has very good relationship potential ....but I think that you should treat this as a short term thing initially....this will help you whatever happens....will take some of the pressure off and reduce the chance of you being hurt. Altho' he is bereaved there is still the small chance that he is a player....nothing wrong with that if you are also looking for fun but don't assume that there will be a long lasting relationship at the end of this.

Oh stop press...

He's had a personality transplant? Apologised for being a bit cold and ignoring me lately, and voluntarily talked his head off with me all day and evening. I feel honoured to have got into his thinking.

He's being incredibly gentlemanly and assuring me of his trust and honesty. He's ready to move on and if he can make me happy, he'll be happy. Also talked about possibly selling his house and downsizing out of area nearer work and fresh start.

I'm thrilled to bits, taking it slowly and looking forward to whatever we make of it. I do feel a bit weird about it, as if I'm stepping on her toes. He doesn't really mention her, but that's in politeness to me, I think. He has no other family apart from an elderly mother who I've met once and got on exceptionally well with.

Ohhh, thanks for that!

I agree with TD. Treat it as just for now, for now - it's a huge mistake to run ahead in a relationship anyway; this is no different.

Have a lovely time!

Gutted Truly Gutted

He was nice to me because he was using me as a back up in case someone else wasnt available.

Cancelled date by text message. Not even a 'sorry.'

I was out in the shopping centre buying a new dress. Been sick in the street and tears. B*ard and Coward. Can't speak for sadness.

Oh you poor thing. That's such a shitty thing for him to do.
Have hugs & sympathy.

I think he sounds like a decent bloke, his bereavement might take some time, he needs time. He might not want you in the house if, indeed, the house if full of his ex-wife stuff, he might feel like betraying her memory perhaps ?

Reading your mail over, I think that man really likes you but do you like yourself ?
You seem to be putting yourself down a lot:
"Worried about being slightly overweight when he's so athletic - I think he's noticed that already, so will gloss over that one. Really want this to work, all the jitters about new partner thing. I've lost my confidence and self esteem over the years."

If you want it to work you also need to trust yourself and trust that you are still lovable, which you are of course, otherwise why would he bother ?

How do you know you were a stand-in?
He may have just got cold feet, and be as scared about it as you are.

How do you know you were a "back up"? Did he actually say that- that he had got a better offer?

I know this is an awful thing to say- but was he really ever married and did she die? Is there ay proof that she didn't just leave him?

There are 2 ways to react to what he has done- hold yout tongue and offload here, or write/email him and let him have it. he has strung you along and toyed with your feelings.

You poor thing. Why was he so insincere?

Toomanyquestions - Thanks but he isnt bothering. He's sent a text message to cancel. I've lost self esteem over the years because he isnt the first to let me down.

Taghain - I do know I was a stand-in. I cannot bear to repeat contents of text message.

Purplepeony - yes, he was married without a shadow of a doubt. I can't bear to reply to his message or let him know how I'm hurting and what I think. Silence is enough. He'll know how much I'm hurt when I disappear off planet earth...

And to answer your last question.... Probably because he was a coward and just couldnt be honest.

so what did he say- how do you know you weren't his 1st choice this time?

I don't know- maybe diginity is better but some men deserve to know what you are feeling, not in an aggressive way, but matter of factly that they have led you up a path and then let you down. For all you know he might think you are just shrugging it off and he can carry on and treat any woman this way.

WTF Helpful101 .

OP - take time to recover from this, as you will. Take care.

OP I seriously suggest that when you are not feeling quite so raw, you look into some relationship coaching to build up your self esteem. If you always feel on the back foot then you will def. give off the wrong vibes and your worry that you will be downtrodden will become a self-fulfilling prohecy.

You sound so lovely and caring but there is a danger that you give of "I am not worth it" vibes and men take advantage of that.

Thiswww.changesforever.com is the kind of thing I mean.

OP so sorry that this has happened. Try and get some TLC from friends to support you. And agree with PP to try to build your confidence etc up when youre feeling less raw.

Bastard!

Well, now that's finished it's high time you worked on you. First up, start eating super-healthily so you look amazing. It will give you 10million times' more sassy confidence than anything else. Get fit, buy new clothes, get new creams for your skin, everything.

Secondly, learn to trust your instincts more. you knew this wasn't right from the strt but you plodded on passively. STOP DOING THAT! If it's not good enough, leave. Do you worry you'll neer find someone else? That every man you meet is the Last One? Well, see tip no.1. Looking great - and knowing you look great - will ensure a steady progression of new totty.

Thirdly, empower yourself with some relationship books. You mde loads of mistakes with this man (and you know you did too) - following his movements on MSN, having heavy heart-to-hearts -- no! Dates should be easy, lighthearted and fun. No long talks about feelings. Men show their feelings by how they treat you. Just watch their actions. If asked to talk about feelings, they'll panic and tell you what they think you want to hear.

Fourth, online dating. D it for fun, for a lugh, to meet some new people to have a cup of coffee with. Take it all much less seriously. There are something like 6million single men in the UK, try to have a coffee with at least half of them. Then, just when you've given up, you'll drag yourself along to another coffee date and boom, Mr Right will be sitting there. And he'll see your gorgeous looks, inner poise and boosted self-confidence and will fall in love straight away. The End.