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Original poster

i have to dump him - how to do it nicely?

40 replies

nochoice · 17/07/2010 14:13

I have been seeing someone for about 2 months and i dont know. Hes just not for me at all.

Hes got no go in him, hes sensible and writes lists, and thinks all the time. Im passionate, and spontaneuous and just have a lust for life.

The sex is rubbish. He has no clue what hes doing. I dont think hes confident at all. Where as im a try anything once kind of a girl, and hes a more of a ' i dont think id like that' sort of a person. He never makes a move on me at all. And i have to put his hands where i want them, else they just lie next to him.

I thought i could get past the sex thing and that it was shallow for it to matter, but it does to me.

So, ive not actually dumped anyone, other than my husband. How on earth do i do it, what do i say?

OP posts:
MrsY · 17/07/2010 14:15

In terms of the sex, can you not teach him to be better?

If not, just say that things aren't working out because you're not compatable. Why should you need to say more than the truth?

DomesticGoddessInTraining · 17/07/2010 14:17

I'm with MrsY, just tell him you don't think that you're compatible. Best to be honest imo.

Gay40 · 17/07/2010 14:19

"I have to talk to you honestly about our relationship. We're just not suited and I'd rather just call it a day. There isn't anyone else, I just don't want to continue on if my heart's not in it. I hope you find someone who is more compatible with you and I'm sure I will in the future."
And show him the door.

Original poster
nochoice · 17/07/2010 14:51

have tried to teach him, but im just losing patience. I just want to be throw about the bedroom a bit and the guy cant even find my vagina by himself ( sorry tmi)

OP posts:
Original poster
nochoice · 17/07/2010 14:58

like the other week, i accidentally gave him a love bite, he went a bit cross at me, then was going on and on about it for a week.

Then he literally will not make a move at all, but will just say how much he wants to have sex with me, or drop huge hints, but wont even try to attempt to kiss me.

he doesnt move his hands about, they just lie at his side, he doesnt progress anything, unless i did anything, he would just lie there, kissing me. And he just wants me to go on top. so again, thats me doing all the work.

But then he had the nerve to say he wasnt that keen on my kissing style, it was a bit to ' lizardy' from the guy who cant even find my vagina!

OP posts:
ItsGraceActually · 17/07/2010 15:12

No matter if your thread gets swamped with people wanting you to find a way to make it work - I honestly don't think you should give it a moment's consideration! You're incompatible, simple as. Why on earth would you want to devote yourself to changing him?

If you really think he's a nice guy, just not for you, then the nicest thing to do is to specify what's good about him, but don't be drawn on what you're unhappy about. Just say you're incompatible, he deserves to be free for someone more suitable, maybe it's you, etc: goodbye

And well done for knowing what you ant & what you don't!

ItsGraceActually · 17/07/2010 15:13

ant want

Original poster
nochoice · 17/07/2010 15:16

He is a nice guy, hes just way to quiet/reserved/unconfident for me, and he worrys so much.
Im just not like that, and i know opposites attract sometimes, but im just finding it a bit odd.

Grace - thanks for saying the well done for knowing what i want. its kind of a big thing not to be passive about this sort of thing. Doesnt mean im not going to find it really difficult though.

OP posts:
ItsGraceActually · 17/07/2010 15:16

btw, I know just what you mean! I once dated a man who "couldn't find my vagina". Friends seemed to think I should put up with him / work on it, as he was a sweet-natured guy.

Well, no. If I'm to have a sexual relationship, I'd quite like it to include two-way sex

Original poster
nochoice · 17/07/2010 15:21

thanks again grace. its nice to know someone else thinks the same.
I feel a bit shallow about it really. But sex is very important to me, Its right up there at the top of important things. And he wont even touch my boobs on his own.

Ive tried being patient, ive tried taking his hand and placing it places. Ive tried telling him what i like, and being very enthuastic when he starts do to well ( or be a little brave and actually touch me)

Hes just totally passive in a sexual situation, and that does nothing for me, im very attracted to a more dominate man, and i could not spend months/years not having good sex.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 17/07/2010 15:43

His name isn't Phil is it?

Just say thing's are not really working out- you don't need a excuse, just do it.

Original poster
nochoice · 17/07/2010 15:52

no - lol. you mean there is more than one of these usless in bed men??
i must have been very lucky in the past as its the first time ive come across one.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/07/2010 16:08

I don't blame you for dumping him

he sounds utterly passive and boring

You don't have to stay with someone just because they are "nice"

there are lots of threads on here from women who did that, settled for "steady" and are now frustrated out of their minds

just be kind to him

valiumSingleton · 17/07/2010 16:11

tell him your "heart isn't in the relationship". That's quite vague and gentle but at the same time, it can't be argued with.

Life is too short, can't believe people are telling you to try and change him, no point, wouldn't work.. just enjoy your freedom again and better luck next time!

UnholyMoley · 17/07/2010 16:16

Send him a text, that way you won't have to see his face. It could read 'You're dumped because you have no oomph and you're shit in bed'

Arf.

Seriously though - yes, be kind and honest but probably not so honest as to tell him that part of why you're dumping him is because he can't locate a vagina

From what I remember (I've been attached for 17 years) it's a bit like ripping off a plaster. You have to just open your mouth and start talking. It's probably not going to be pleasant but has to be done.

thesunshinesbrightly · 17/07/2010 16:16

Nochoice - Yes fraid so, you have described my ex, that's why i had to ask thought he was the only one.
I know it's no fun doing it when they are so nice, i dragged it out because of that reason but they only fall for you harder.

What Anyfucker say's, just try and to it as nice as possible.

Original poster
nochoice · 17/07/2010 16:37

i cant send him a text. its mean. But im not good at being horrible face to face.
He is nice, and i know would be probably a nice boyfriend, as long as sex wasnt involved.

But i think id rather have no sex that rubbish sex.

anyfucker 'utterly passive and boring' yes. thats it and im the opposite to that.

OP posts:
Shodan · 17/07/2010 16:55

I think you should say what Gay40 suggested.

Excellent post- to the point, fair and unarguable.

Remotew · 17/07/2010 16:57

I've recently dumped someone by text. We only met twice and tried a kiss but it did nothing for me, that wasn't the only reason. I knew I wasn't bothered about seeing him. Tried to ignore his calls but he text to ask outright if I want to see him again. Told him he was a nice guy but worked when I was free and no sorry.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/07/2010 17:38

wow 2 months is a long time to be seeing a bloke who doesn't float yer boat!
if it was somebody you'd seen once or twice like eve i'd do it nicely by text
but in this instance it seems only fair to tell him in person
i think i'd prob let him down gently with the line that 'i wasn't ready for a relationship right now etc etc'
don't(as if you need me to tell you this)offer to remain friends as it will only give him false hopes

wannaBe · 17/07/2010 17:49

at the end of the day, this is just a short term relationship that clearly isn't working for you.

It's one thing to feel you should work on changing someone if you've got history, but in this instance, you don't.

So I would just be honest: "look, sometimes, I think that we get on so well and we have a lot of fun. But sometimes, I think we just have nothing in common. And I just can't stay in a relationship like that, because ultimately it will just drive us apart. I'm sorry, but I really think it's just best we call it quits now while we're at least still getting on."

BigBoneyBum · 17/07/2010 20:54

Send him a text

'welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you.'

BigBoneyBum · 17/07/2010 20:58

Tell him...

' I do love you- I'm just not in love with you ... '

BigBoneyBum · 17/07/2010 21:00

Or..

'You'll always be like a brother to me '

Or...

' It's not me, it's you ... '

Or...

'I want to set you free to find someone equally shit in bed '

commeuneimage · 18/07/2010 07:10

say 'I can't go on seeing someone who says the way I kiss is too lizardy'! What a horrible thing to say to you!

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