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Original poster

Name changed. Could you cope with this?

53 replies

GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:09

I have been with DP for 6 months, lived together for 2 months.

Before we met he had arranged to go on a 2 week holiday with a female 'friend' of his, according to him she is his best friend etc

He told me for the first few months that nothing had ever happened with them etc, he didn't find he attractive, just mates but then it came out when he was drunk that they had slept together once (so he says) in the past.

Before I knew of the sexual history I thought I would be ok with the holiday (they are sharing a room) as they had been friends a while and it wasn't like there was any spark with them.... but now I know they obviously like each other enough to sleep together I feel differently.

I think I will spend the fortnight paranoid, insecure and whatever he says happened when he gets home I wont believe him. Her and I don't really know each other and haven't really gotten along with her the few times we've met, mainly because she hangs all over dp, texts him alot and generally asks him stupid questions like "do you think i'm pretty, will anyone ever want me?"

He has lied to me about her before, saying that his mate had invited her on a night out and when I asked his mate if she was coming he didn't know what I was on about and it turned out he had secretly invited her but didn't want me to know. He said he had missed her lately and had just wanted to see her. Which is fine, its the lying that bothers me.

The holiday is at the end of the week, he says now he doesn't want to go because he will miss me but also wont lose the £1500 he has paid for it. I've heard him telling her he can't wait to go. Also he deletes her text messages and although i've not looked through his phone i've seen her name on his inbox list and watched him check the boxes to delete just hers.

I just feel crap about it.

OP posts:
whatthecrocodilehatwasthat · 16/07/2010 21:12

if you don't think it's ok, then it's not ok.

he's lying to you, he's deleting messages he doesn't want you to see, I think that tells you all you need to know?

KimberleySakamoto · 16/07/2010 21:15

No, I couldn't cope with it. Given the new-ness of the relationship, I'd be tempted to give it a miss altogether. Not what you want to hear, but everything you describe is really quite disturbing.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2010 21:15

you are being made a mug of

get rid of the lying fucker

what are you waiting for ???

fryalot · 16/07/2010 21:18

I had a male friend who was just a friend, but once we both got completely smashed a little tipsy and ended up in bed together. We tried the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing but soon realised we were just mates. We stayed mates for years, he was my exH's best man, came to our dd's christening, real proper mates.

I tell you this because it is possible for them to be just mates yet have slept together.

BUT... if he's lying to you and deleting her messages, then something is not right - it could just be that he thinks you'll be jealous and you have no need to be, so why rock the boat (bloke speak for "it's easier to lie than tell the truth") but it could also be that he has something to hide.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him that you;re okay with his friendship with this woman but you are NOT okay with his lying to you - so either he is 100% honest or you'll have to ask him to leave (if you're ready to take that step of course!)

Original poster
GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:18

I don't think they are currently sleeping together, he hasn't seen her for the last few months as far as I know. When we've been out we've been together so he hasn't had a chance to mess around.

I don't know why he is deleting the messages, I think it may be because he thinks I will have a go if I know he has been texting her, It all goes back to when it came out that he has slept with her before me - not because he had, but because he had made such a point of saying he hadn't. Lied when he didn't need too. So since then he has tried not to mention her name etc, I don't generally have a problem with her, she didn't lie to me, he did.

He is going whether I like it or not, I don't need to ask him to know that. I just don't know whether I should leave him before he goes and spare myself the paranoia or try and cope with the distrust when he gets back and work through it. Its alot of money for him to lose cancelling the holiday and would ruin it for her too - but a shared room and bed for 2 weeks?? I don't think anyone would like their dp doing that

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 16/07/2010 21:20

Of course not. He's messing you around and you know it.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2010 21:21

oh, give over, spare yourself

give him the fucking elbow

TotalChaos · 16/07/2010 21:23

Nope, he's taking the piss. Finish it rather than have 2 miserable weeks.

Original poster
GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:24

Does it make a difference that it was booked before I met him?

Also they have been away together before. Part of me thinks that if they wanted to be together they would be already, he gets on well with her family and she gets on well with his so it didn't seem that anything would've been in the way of them having a relationship but they haven't.

I know I am probably just making excuses but I do love him.

OP posts:
msboogie · 16/07/2010 21:24

Oh for fucks' sake woman!!!. They have a "thing" together.

Dump him now and don't look back. You are being made a total cunt of by both of them.

I'm not even going to tell you to tell him to choose because a bloke this cuntish really isn't worth winning off her.

Let the stupid bint have him. They are both pawns in each others' stupid game - as are you, currently.

PLEASE, just tell him you have met some fucking Adonis and he is history. That'll put a dampener on their dirty little holiday - I promise you.

Saffysmum · 16/07/2010 21:26

Listen to AF - she's hit the nail on the head.

Original poster
GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:27

Pretty unanimous then

Thank you for all your advice, I will talk to him when he gets home.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/07/2010 21:27

what msb, said

and what I said, again

don't be a silly mare, you are better than that

when I met my DH years ago...he had a holiday booked with a "friend" (read...fuckbuddy)

it was made quite clear it wasn't going to happen in my world

it didn't happen

Original poster
GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:30

I'm more upset that i've messed things up for my kids again, after divorcing their dad 4 years ago I lived with someone else for 3 years and now dp. They are going to be so screwed up at the rate i'm going, I guess I didn't want to admit to myself i'd made yet another bad choice.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 16/07/2010 21:30

What anyfucker said ^

caramelwaffle · 16/07/2010 21:31

It's time you lived on your own and built a life for yourself - not men

Doha · 16/07/2010 21:31

Ditch the twat now don't wait till after his holiday.
The deceit and deleting texts would be a deal breaker fro me.
He obviously puts your value at less than £1500 if he is putting the holiday before your relationship.
save yourself any more heartbreak and get rid NOW

Original poster
GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:32

Thanks all. I am going to change back to my normal name and delete the internet history so this doesn't get seen. Although he very strongly disapproves of MN (Jeremy Kyle online full of screaming fishwives apparntly) so I will wipe the pc before he comes home and go back to lurking occasionally. Thanks again.

OP posts:
whatthecrocodilehatwasthat · 16/07/2010 21:33

agree with Doha - are you worth less than £1500?

caramelwaffle · 16/07/2010 21:33

" I didn't want to admit to myself i'd made yet another bad choice"

Admit it - and move on

Again: what anyfucker said ^

MisSalLaneous · 16/07/2010 21:33

No, it makes absolutely no difference that this was prebooked.

Any respectable person would cancel in his circumstances.

You shouldn't have to ask.

And for what it's worth, I think you're silly thinking you "love" him. You're just in love. Huge difference. If you really have to play the "it's me or her" card, then be assured that if he does go, he doesn't care about you.

Let him go. 6 months is nothing, you deserve more in life.

SugarMousePink · 16/07/2010 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeFluffy · 16/07/2010 21:35

If its not a fuckbuddy then could you 'buy her out' of the holiday, ie pay her whatever she paid and go in her place?

Although if hes deleting messages etc and lying you may be well rid.

msboogie · 16/07/2010 21:35

yeah, and another thing, sorry, but you don't move in with a bloke that you have only known a couple of months, especially when you have kids.

You don't really know him.

Learn to stand on your own two feet and set some high expectations for yourself.

DeFluffy · 16/07/2010 21:39

Actually yes thats a good point, moving in with him (and presumably your children) after 4 months seems a little crazy. Most people don't even introduce their children to new partners till they've known them for at least 4 months, so perhaps next time take everything a lot slower, then not so much will be invested before you know whether the person is worth investing in.

Hope you get sorted