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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Name changed. Could you cope with this?

53 replies

GonnaGoCrazy · 16/07/2010 21:09

I have been with DP for 6 months, lived together for 2 months.

Before we met he had arranged to go on a 2 week holiday with a female 'friend' of his, according to him she is his best friend etc

He told me for the first few months that nothing had ever happened with them etc, he didn't find he attractive, just mates but then it came out when he was drunk that they had slept together once (so he says) in the past.

Before I knew of the sexual history I thought I would be ok with the holiday (they are sharing a room) as they had been friends a while and it wasn't like there was any spark with them.... but now I know they obviously like each other enough to sleep together I feel differently.

I think I will spend the fortnight paranoid, insecure and whatever he says happened when he gets home I wont believe him. Her and I don't really know each other and haven't really gotten along with her the few times we've met, mainly because she hangs all over dp, texts him alot and generally asks him stupid questions like "do you think i'm pretty, will anyone ever want me?"

He has lied to me about her before, saying that his mate had invited her on a night out and when I asked his mate if she was coming he didn't know what I was on about and it turned out he had secretly invited her but didn't want me to know. He said he had missed her lately and had just wanted to see her. Which is fine, its the lying that bothers me.

The holiday is at the end of the week, he says now he doesn't want to go because he will miss me but also wont lose the £1500 he has paid for it. I've heard him telling her he can't wait to go. Also he deletes her text messages and although i've not looked through his phone i've seen her name on his inbox list and watched him check the boxes to delete just hers.

I just feel crap about it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/07/2010 21:47

look love, build a life without fuckwit men in it

why do you need 'em ???

MisSalLaneous · 16/07/2010 21:50

As mentioned before, I think you should cut your losses and walk away now.

In future (and yes, I do realise there are exceptions, but they are just that - exceptions ), if a man wants to move in together after 4 months, I'd worry. Seriously.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2010 22:06

Sal...I feel like a lone voice on MN when I despair of these "relationships" that conduct themselves at breakneck speed

it is a red flag for me that a bloke would want to move things so quickly...what does he have to hide ???

for every one that "works out", there are 20 that would make me feel very, very concerned

whatthecrocodilehatwasthat · 16/07/2010 22:08

Yeah but first time you do it you don't know that it's a big red flag ....

Something you have to experience to know why quick relationships can sometimes, not always, be a total nightmare

MisSalLaneous · 16/07/2010 22:11

Exactly, AF. I blame stupid romantic movies making people believe in fairy tales.

Respect is what makes a great relationship.

Chocolates and wine can come later.

MisSalLaneous · 16/07/2010 22:13

Sorry wtchw... (that IS a long name! ), didn't mean to ignore you. Yes, retrospect is always a good thing.

maristella · 16/07/2010 22:14

i totally agree with all who are saying you've kind of dived into this relationship!

you divorced 4 years ago, have since lived with another man for 3 years, have been with this guy for 6 months and have lived with him for 2 months....

i'm going to be brutally honest with you, as someone has been with me for similar reasons in the past: you seem to be rebounding from one to the next, seeking something from each of them that you don't know that they can give. like i said, someone had to give me strong advice; to never commit to a man within a year. after a year you know if you are being bulshitted by someone, you know if they have abusive tendencies. i'm not saying for one minute you should commit to being single forever, or live like a nun. BUT within a year it is still an early relationship, with a significantly higher chance of failing, and that is what you are exposing your dc's to.
also in my experience, being scared of being on your own leaves you much more vulnerable to being treated like shit. some men are drawn to women who are vulnerable and scared.

my advice, as a single parent is to have fun and enjoy new relationships without involving the kids, and never commit within a year - it's my mantra and it has kept me and my dc a damn sight safer! you don't have to live like a nun, i certainly don't
put a higher value on yourself, set a limit to the shit you will tolerate and stick to it.

sorry for the essay, but i see alot of what i've been through in your op

MisSalLaneous · 16/07/2010 22:14

uhm, hindsight, not retrospect.

msboogie · 16/07/2010 22:15

its not the first time the OP has done this though...

maristella · 16/07/2010 22:17

erm, and another thing.
any 'man' who makes you feel this insecure within your relationship (and probably in yourself) does not deserve an inch of your bedspace. a worthy man would hate to know you are hurting and anxious and would never dream of putting you there.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2010 22:22

The key lesson to learn here is lose the desperation to be In A Relationship. You might as well tattoo 'Cocklodgers, Abusers and Fannyrats Welcome Here' on your forehead.
It might not be a bad idea to look into some counselling or do some reading: certainly you should give yourself some time off from partner-hunting (like maybe at least a year without any kind of relationship; get yourself a good vibrator).

whatthecrocodilehatwasthat · 16/07/2010 22:24

Sal - no problemo

Eurostar · 16/07/2010 22:24

I too have been wondering how you came to move in together so quickly? Hoping that you perhaps knew each other as friends for sometime before the last 6 months? This all really doesn't sound fair on your DCs on first reading.

If someone is so into you that he wants to live with you and your children straight off, it is damn odd that he wants to spend an expensive holiday with someone else.

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/07/2010 12:20

You are being made a fool of, twice over.

Firstly by yourself, to move your dc into another man's house when you have only known him for a few months is frankly reckless! You have not taken the time to get to know him, for him to get to know you and for you to make a balanced decision about IF he meets the criteria of potential partner.

Secondly by him. They are, at the very least fuckbuddies.

If you sit quietly and let this happen to you know, you are setting a very dangerous precedent.... You are in this relationship 6m and he is treating you with this little respect???

Take the only and best decision in your life, that is to Ditch him NOW, today, and don't look back. Be on your own for 1 year, no less, and find out who you are, what you like, dislike and how to value yourself.

THIS will be the best decision you can make for your DC. Do it now, before they are old enough to be embarrassed by your choices.

abedelia · 17/07/2010 14:23

SGB - please define a 'fannyrat', just for my amusement! I learn some great new terms of abuse on these forums every day...

OP - why in hell are you letting your kids live with men you barely know? They could be anyone...

MuthaHubbard · 17/07/2010 14:34

sorry but i would only just be thinking about introducing a new dp to my children after 6 months......

please be single for a while and work on you and to be happy being you

Rafwife · 17/07/2010 14:52

Dump the fucker, been there and done that and your postion make me so cross.

If she was really just a friend he would have been up front about it straight away IMO, if there were no unfinished business why hide it.

I was in this position once luckily sorted it out early on. A best friend who he texted all the time, phoned, MSN etc hung out with her, best friends yadda yadda.

I always thought he was a bit hung up over his first love, just a hunch I had. Anyway his mate then let it slip this woman was his first love, his first gf, the first person he'd ever shagged.

Just best friends who had only been in a platonic relationship my backside, dump him.

ItsGraceActually · 17/07/2010 15:27

HOW DARE HE CHECK YOUR BROWSING HISTORY AND DISAPPROVE OF YOUR CHOICES?

How dare he take the piss out of you with all his crap about "just friends" with a woman he happens to have slept with at least once - and whose texts he deletes? Yeah, like a sister, huh.

How dare he LIE TO YOU ABOUT HIS FEELINGS - saying he's only going coz he's paid, yet telling her he can't wait?

What on earth are you doing, girl???!
Lose the loser.

ItsGraceActually · 17/07/2010 15:29

Oh - and start respecting your own self, so other people respect you too.

shimmerysilverglitter · 18/07/2010 09:48

Yes, SGB what exactly is a Fannyrat?

OP, it this were me I would dump him immediately. If this is going to be the bar for your relationship with him, well all I can say is it is not set very high. I am relaxed(ish) about relationships in that I don't get the raging hump if someone decided to move on without me but I DO expect that they tell me before they go.

Ronaldinhio · 18/07/2010 10:04

tbh
i wouldn't have a problem with this

if he wanted to be with her and she with him they would be surely?

there is no reason for them to carry out an elaborate affair when neither were/are tied down
imo he is deleting things for an easy life

perhaps you have other misgivings and are blaming this but i don't think there is anything sinister other than your paranoia over the friendship

if the relationship is too much of a hassle or worry at this stage then by all means move on but don't stress about the might be...maybe situations

SolidGoldBrass · 18/07/2010 10:32

'fannyrat' - man who can't resist shagging any willing woman he sets eyes on.

AnyFucker · 18/07/2010 13:46

yep, think like " a rat up a drainpipe"

valiumSingleton · 18/07/2010 14:27

haven't read the replies so i don't know the consensus, but NO I don't think that that's OK.

They do have a history, so he can't say that 'they're just freinds'. He has slept with her at least once and is fond enough of her to go on holiday with her! She probably likes him more than he likes HER. (I will be given out to for making that sexist assumption, but that's what I think, if she has slept with him and is going on holiday with him and is his friend, then I think she would happily have a relationship with him too).

Who could be totally relaxed about that!? yanbu

valiumSingleton · 18/07/2010 14:30

Just read the thread!

omg, he lives with you and he's planning to go on holiday with another woman!?

Tell him to move out.

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