housework/cooking

[dawnwakening]

Sorry I know this has probably come up a lot but I was just wanting some opinions really..

Am back at work now after maternity leave, part-time compared to DH but still long hours when I am there.

While I was off, DH was very resentful if I didn't spend time tidying (we ended up getting a cleaner as I felt my maternity leave was time to look after my DS rather than to do the housework).
Now that I am back at work, I want it to be more equal, and there really is no longer the excuse of him being out at work all day.

However, things aren't improving. I try to train him, but it's not working.
I think it goes back to how things were in our families.
My dad was someone who worked full time, like my mum, but adjusted his hours to do the school pick up, made the dinner, did lots of housework because he loves children and loves family life.

His mum was a SAHM who gave up her career and did all housework, everything for the kids, had absentee husband who worked long hours in the week and was off doing his own thing at weekends. I think this "pattern" is somewhere in DH's subconscious.

I am fed up of being the one who does all the cooking (if I don't then there is nothing to eat, and this is not fair on our baby!!) If I just cook for the baby, then DH would rather get take out than cook and after a while I have got to the point where I try to make food for the baby that we can eat too.
I have tried to train him to cook.. in fact one night a week got him cooking when his parents come round. But now his mum is insisting that she brings the food round for him (she is a really bad cook and last time I almost puked at eating the food but that's another thread I guess). When she looks after DS she will also do housework, so I have had to ask her to stop as it makes me look bad, and told her that it's her time to enjoy DS not be doing housework!
When she heard about how unequal the night duties are with DS she offered to come round and look after him at night rather than agreeing that things should be more evenly split. I have done every night bar 2 in the last year. If I give the responsibility to DH he will just lie there and not move.

I'm not really sure what my point is. I guess it doesn't really matter what blueprint of family life you grew up with. I think maybe he just hasn't adjusted to being a family; he does act very immature at times and just likes to play computer games in the evening.
I think that he sees himself as fulfilling the Dad role as he grew up with it - the provider - and sees me in the Mum role - which, going by the pattern his mum set, is basically everything else.
For me, it was totally the other way round growing up so I see him fulfilling only some of the Dad role and feel it is unfair me shouldering the rest.
Don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

that's wierd. every one of my male friends love food and cooking, as long as it is not a chore.
I always make breakfasta and dinner at home on the weekends.

I believe that all men like cooking on some level, try and tap into that. buy him a man's cookbook, a nice chef's knife (global or Koi Shun) and start out by making him cook saturdays say. Be sure to always overpraise how good the food is, and wash your dishes yourself. Then build from that, get him to do sundays too, and ask him to wash the dishes once in a while. It will be a slow road but probably one that will get results without the drama.

Is it just the cooking or other things too?

I totally get the take-away thing, this is what my DH prefers to do if he is cooking. Maybe if he started to find that he had to do other things too (Ironing? loading washing?) perhaps he would understand that you are doing the bulk of it, or does his mum get stuck into all that for you?

Don't do it then. Cook for you and your baby and sod him.

Why are you trying to 'train' him? He's an adult. If you weren't there, who'd wipe his arse for him?

If his mother wants to come and baby him, let her. Who gives a toss how it makes you look?

Your point is your husband's an arsehole and lets his mother cover his responsibilities.

And you.

Either you let her or show him the door.

Seriously, I couldn't abide someone so immature and selfish.

His mum sounds like a nightmare.

If he tries to accept her offers make sure you take the piss out of him. A grown man shouldn't need his mother to do his chores/tasks for him.

HAve you sat down and had a long chat about this and how you feel? HE sounds exhausting and completely self centred.

Train him what is he a Dog?!

I would have a serious chat with him about acting like a grown up and tell him its about time he started pulling his weight!

DP works full time and still does a lot of housework, he doesnt cook becuase i love to cook but he does a lot of DS's medication and the household chores.

Kick soemone out for not watning to cook?

Are you serious?

You are seriously suggesting that the author kick out her husband whom they have a child with because he doesn't want to cook?

And from that info you have summise that the said husband is a selfish dick and has no redeeming qualities then?

fuck me... some people on here need to get perspective

but it's not just not cooking is it? IT's not doing any housework or getting up with dc in the night or pulling his weight at all.

Its about letting his mother do or at least offer to do these tasks for him.

He's pathetic and being completely unfair to his wife.

I couldn't live with such a selfish asshole who thought my time and my life were worth so much less than his. I.e. its ok for his wife to do these things as she is much less important than him.

What a selfish cock.

Kick soemone out for not watning to cook?
'
Are you serious?

You are seriously suggesting that the author kick out her husband whom they have a child with because he doesn't want to cook?

And from that info you have summise that the said husband is a selfish dick and has no redeeming qualities then?

fuck me... some people on here need to get perspective '

You think this is about his not wanting to cook?

He shows her zero respect by not doing his fair share, he'd rather play computer games than act like a husband and father, he allow his mother to wipe his arse and you think this about his not wanting to cook?

You think this doesn't make someone a selfish prick when they expect their spouse and mother to take over their own responsibilities as a spouse and father?

Are you seriously suggesting that this is okay behaviour from a grown up who chose to get married and have a kid?

Fuck me . . . some people on here need to buy a doormat instead of thinking it's okay for women to lie down and be one.

And the other thing is that so many men think like this. Women still do the majority of housework even in homes where they work full time as well.

ITs an epidemic.

SOmeone needs to get tough on all these men and show them that its not acceptable. Just moaning and then doing it all anyway will not do that and the situation will carry on.

It shouldn't be acceptable. I wouldn't put up with a colleague making me do everything at work, why should I or any woman put up with it at home? WHy should it be something that is basically seen as unchangable or something we should accept as just a bit annoying.

It isn't acceptable and shouldn't be put up with.

God this is going to sound weirder - his parents are 2hours drive away SO not round all the time (thank goodness).
Agree, about just making food for me and baby and he can carry on with his takeaway and BK habit. That's a good idea.
I do the washing, and leave it to dry and sort it into bags for each of us, we then put our own bag away. Don't iron. Might just start doing mine and the baby's too.I did do that for a while, then he ended up putting on an emergency wash for himself when I needed the limited space we have to dry MY washing so it seemed more sensible to just take charge again.
Good idea about the Saturday cooking thing. No-one in his family cooks. So I am thinking that's also a familial thing.
Thanks for ideas. I was starting to feel at the end of my tether with it all. But you're right, the easy way is to just stop doing anything over and above what me and the baby need. Easy! Thank you!

I never said that his behaviour is justified, however seeign as they live together and have a child I have suggested a way that might actually resolve things that would make everyone happy. It appears some people would rather ruin someone's relationship/life by giving some extreme advice as long as it makes the feminists cheer and clap!

anyway, the author seems to be a reasonable person, so good luck in working it out.

P.S. yes men are like dogs and can be manipulated into doing pretty much anything. And the best thing for you is, in most cases, we won't even mind, as long as it is done subtly and fairly. woof!

I thought I lived with a adult human being - not a dog.

Why is it a problem for you that adults should just communicate simply and openly rather than 'train' and play tricks and games.

Genuinely ISDP why do you see it as preferrable to be manipulated and treated like a dog rather than spoken to and treated as an adult? Is it some kind of BDSM thing?

Dawnwakening - good for you. Don't do anything for him if he won't contribute at all.

Because I think it is preferrable to find a way that doesn't cause too much drama. Seeing as the author seems to have exhasuted other possibilities it was the only possible solution I could think of.

But whatever, you are right manipulation is just crap and never works. Next time you want your hubby to buy you that louis vuitton handbag, don't do the batting the eyelid thing, and don't be all flirty with him, he's not a dog. tell him he is buying the bag or you are binning him! it's better to communicate than play games!

why the fuck would I ask my dh to buy me anything? I have equal access to all our money?

I think if I fluttered my eyelashes at him to get anything he'd think I'd gone mental and wonder where his wife was.

What a bizzare situation

You do know that not everyone lives in the 1950s and there are some things called equal partnerships around?

Ah sorry, one of those equal partnership thingies. This is your half and this is my half, if you overspend this month, be sure to pay back my share the next month?
Sounds great...
well good luck to the author in any case.

or we have a joint account which everything goes in and out of and spare money is shared

Oh I'm sorry but I do the flutter eyelashes to get what I want... I find the promise of bedroom fun gets me a lot further than communication or manipulation (ok don't do manipulation as too exhausted to think about it).

TBH I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours so I do live in the 50s as the house is my job, cooking, cleaning, washing, everything my job. We are a partnership he goes out to work and I stay in to work? However when I go back to work than both jobs should be split, out and in the home. DH does help with the kids as they are not a job but OUR children.

OP you are probably one of the majority, most my friends moan to some extent that Hs don't help out, perhaps as you just did it all it has become a pattern, that he no doubt enjoys. Try pointing out that you work now to, say you do half the hours he does so he should be doing half the amount of housework etc that you do!

try thinking about which chores he is most likely to do (or will annoy him most if not done) and delegate those to him. that way he is more likely to do them

I've had versions of this occasionally. MIL is lovely but always defaults to 'poor DH' when we are having a bad time about anything (kids sleep/ health etc) and rushes in to help her son. I'm left thinking "WTF about me??"
I was working when the kids were young, and was occasionally away overnight. DH's parents always had to come and stay to 'help' him cope. They never bothered when he was away .

It's made worse by the fact that my own mum died a few years ago, and I am now semi-caring for my Dad who lives close by and has a long term health condition .

I have nobody to 'look after' me, and when DH isn't offering I feel very lonely and sad.

I personally wouldn't go down the manipulation route, or the 'just doing my cooking/ laundry' route - it breeds resentment (yours and his) and will just lead to things going downhill.

You just need to be direct and unemotional about what you need him to do.

I often use the approach "OK, while I bath the baby, can you cook tea - there's some chicken in the fridge.." Then it's harder for DH to say I'm not going to any of it.

Can't you use the excuse that you need to make home-cooked food for the baby anyway, so there's no sense in getting a takeaway because you can't puree that down?

What Armadillo said. DH and I are adults and treat each other as such. We both work, although I work from home. Everything we earn goes into one joint account and we regulate our own spending. We do our fair share, there is give and take and compromise.

It's called maturity.

And whoever cooks cleans up after him/herself. There's no KP here.

Our son is not a dog, either, nor our daughters people who trade blowjobs and sexual favours to get what they want.

establish the b oundaries with MIl - tho if she wants to do your housework - well let her! one needs all the help one can get with dc /working etc...

give her the times she can come do it... i've never had a mother/MIL do hoousework for me but have friends whose motehrs do help them in this way. i pay a cleaner - they get it for free....

there seems to be a mix up between you (?) telling her what the issues are ("When she heard (from who? from you?) about how unequal the night duties are with DS she offered to ") ..and then resenting her involvement?

can you go out the night she comes round? then if she wants to bring food -well dso be it... you wont have to eat it...

set clear boundaries, agree the times days when she comes and decide what you will do eg go out etc?

i dont think there is an issue over one partner cooking the other not - so long as the dad can put together some food when in sole charge of the dc, (and if he choses to call on his mother - well his problem...)

why dont you start arranging set times each week that you go out/do a course/meet friends/go jogging - making sure it over a meal time - - and leave him in charge..if he chooses to have his mother help him - well his choice. if his mother wants to do housework - well leave her set tasks that need doing.

Doing your fair share in life is not 'helping out' and the OP works outside the home as well.

my husband doesn't cook well, but on 2 night a week (because i work very late) he collects kids from nursery and does pizza/baked beans on toast/ pasta and sauce (alright from a jar but it's still an effort on his part). maybe you could start with 'having to stay late' 1 day a week to get him into the habit of pulling a bit of weight. tell him what he has to cook and leave it ready for him. soon he will be able to get his own tin of beans out the cupboard!
I appreciate it might not be haute cuisine, but the children are fed and he gets to help a bit.
Fwiw, my father is just like the OP DH, and he responds very well to dog training techniques (positive praise no attention when naughty etc). It makes my mom laugh but it is a tactic. Clearly the OP DH is NOT an equal adult partner, so other techniques might be worth a shot.

or you could give up work altogether if he wants you to run the household alone!

The chores are always a pain, you have my sympathy!

i feel i should say we are a very modern household, i earn more than my husband but work part-time (odd hours sometimes) so we both muck in for everything, and the worst i can say is that sometimes if i come home late he hasn't swept the kitchen floor (but has the kids fed and in bed). and i don't worry too much about that.
and we have a cleaner about twice a month to help us both.

dear god, our marriage has its fair share of problems, but we are both equal, mature adults!

i would hate to think my dd had learnt from me that she just had to 'flutter her eyelashes' to get 'stuff' when my dh buys me a present its because he loves and respects me and vice-versa - i would also hate to think that i had taught her to treat any potential spouse as a 'dog'. sheesh!