housework/cooking

[dawnwakening]

Sorry I know this has probably come up a lot but I was just wanting some opinions really..

Am back at work now after maternity leave, part-time compared to DH but still long hours when I am there.

While I was off, DH was very resentful if I didn't spend time tidying (we ended up getting a cleaner as I felt my maternity leave was time to look after my DS rather than to do the housework).
Now that I am back at work, I want it to be more equal, and there really is no longer the excuse of him being out at work all day.

However, things aren't improving. I try to train him, but it's not working.
I think it goes back to how things were in our families.
My dad was someone who worked full time, like my mum, but adjusted his hours to do the school pick up, made the dinner, did lots of housework because he loves children and loves family life.

His mum was a SAHM who gave up her career and did all housework, everything for the kids, had absentee husband who worked long hours in the week and was off doing his own thing at weekends. I think this "pattern" is somewhere in DH's subconscious.

I am fed up of being the one who does all the cooking (if I don't then there is nothing to eat, and this is not fair on our baby!!) If I just cook for the baby, then DH would rather get take out than cook and after a while I have got to the point where I try to make food for the baby that we can eat too.
I have tried to train him to cook.. in fact one night a week got him cooking when his parents come round. But now his mum is insisting that she brings the food round for him (she is a really bad cook and last time I almost puked at eating the food but that's another thread I guess). When she looks after DS she will also do housework, so I have had to ask her to stop as it makes me look bad, and told her that it's her time to enjoy DS not be doing housework!
When she heard about how unequal the night duties are with DS she offered to come round and look after him at night rather than agreeing that things should be more evenly split. I have done every night bar 2 in the last year. If I give the responsibility to DH he will just lie there and not move.

I'm not really sure what my point is. I guess it doesn't really matter what blueprint of family life you grew up with. I think maybe he just hasn't adjusted to being a family; he does act very immature at times and just likes to play computer games in the evening.
I think that he sees himself as fulfilling the Dad role as he grew up with it - the provider - and sees me in the Mum role - which, going by the pattern his mum set, is basically everything else.
For me, it was totally the other way round growing up so I see him fulfilling only some of the Dad role and feel it is unfair me shouldering the rest.
Don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

Gosh aren't we taking it a bit seriously, OP said train not as in a dog... but probably more as in you train for a new job, aquire new skills adopt new routines, housework/cooking can be viewed as a job after all.
As for fluttering my eyelashes DH and I are in a marriage, he's going to be getting sex anyway, so if he knows in advance which results in the bins being put out in time where's the harm

dawnawakening

Who died and made him king?.

You are right about patterns; you learnt one and he learnt another. You are both now doing the roles learnt from your own parents.

What's his own mother who lives 2 hours away doing bringing food around your house?. What is all that about?.

What you are doing here is enabling this immature computer game playing manchild of a H. He has it made actually, having two women to run around after him.

Thanks all for so many replies, can see it has unleashed lots of opinions .

Just to mention, by "train him" I meant "educate" as in "get him to do his half" (by discussion/asking etc.. ) wish I'd used a different phrase in OP!

I agree with the commment about enabling.. and I guess it is how to break that where I was stuck. There was a time when I let the house go to pot while on mat leave that provoked extreme anger (later put down to stress) and I started doing more after that; but now I am back at work, I don't see why it shouldn't be more equal. Not doing it and living with the mess again is an option, but not nice to come back to chaos after a busy day.

I will try having a proper chat and if that doesn't achieve anything just do my and baby's bare necessities and see if that breaks the pattern.

Look there is another option.
You both don't really like the cleaning aspect, who does, so get a cleaner and take it out of the joint account.
It called managing and delegating the household duties and responsibilities.
Give him a choice when things need to be done e.g. right the baby needs a bath and tea needs cooking, which one do you want to do?

Name changed for this.

OP - sounds like my situation a few years ago.

I'm with expat and armadillo etc on this one.

DH and I also come from 2 different family backgrounds, but the differences are that while both my mum and MIL were SAHM, MIL has been dogsbody for everyone in the family, whereas my mum insisted my dad split responsibilities with her when he wasn't as work, and he was happy to do so.

I have had this ongoing discussion with DH about the inequality in our relationship for several years now. It goes in cycles, he tries hard (by which I mean may do a bathtime or the washing up one day), then it slides slowly and that we start again with me discussing it with him, cue stupid bloody 'jokes' ( ) about me being the dominant woman telling him what to do and being the boss while at the same time agreeing with me and trying hard to take on more domestic responsibility, and so on.

I am starting to get fed up.

Wow, what is the problem with doing some housework and making dinner if you can.

Why on earth can you not do housework when at home looking after your children, I don't understand that.

I understand that I'd rather not do housework but its an evil which needs to be done.

If I'm at work I expect my husband to have the house clean and the dinner made and he expects exactly the same. its a nice way to live.

Okay, his version of houseclean and healthy meal is slightly below my standard but then my version of many other things are below his standard so fine. Play to your powers and try and work things out to make life nicer and easier for each other rather than trying to make a point.

But, I suppose we might be a bit further along the working things out route. I would absolutely hate to live in a household where we divided things and did things only for ourselves. Give with love and you get a lot more back.

notalways - i think the issue is that they're both working, and she's still doing it all.

OP- his mum sounds like my dp's mum. She always does everything for her two sons, and then whinges that her younger son (just back from uni) doesn't know how to iron a shirt - then does them all for him.
Luckily my dp realises this is daft - he's now very good cook, partly because he just enjoys it i think. And he realised if he didn't do some cleaning the house wouldn't be clean

But mil's like that are a nightmare - she's only just stopped saying 'pootles this house is a state!' (when i work full time) because i refused to respond, just gave her a look... I think she's given up on me.

"While I was off, DH was very resentful if I didn't spend time tidying...things aren't improving. I try to train him, but it's not working...I am fed up of being the one who does all the cooking (if I don't then there is nothing to eat, and this is not fair on our baby!!)...his mum is insisting that she brings the food round for him...I have done every night bar 2 in the last year. If I give the responsibility to DH he will just lie there and not move....he does act very immature at times and just likes to play computer games in the evening."

Another fucking idiot. Is he 12?

Whenever we see my mum she apologises to my DH for doing everything for me when I was growing up so not "domesticating" me .

I'm on mat leave at the moment and DH works full time, I intend to return to work part time.

At the moment I do more housework but there is no way I would (or could) do it all. My DH is one of those people who just doesn;t see the mess around him so needs telling to do every chore, but he does do them when asked.

I suspect he wonders why I don't do more during the day but my job is looking after DS, not keeping the house clean. That job should be, and is, shared between us.

From day one I have made it completely clear that childcare is a shared responsibility, day and night. So, I get up and BF DS, but if he has his lovely 2 hour "I want to play at 2am" stints then it's over to DH. At weekend I lie in one day, and he lies in the other.

He loves cooking, but I tend to do it now so we can eat together rather than when DS has gone to bed.

I get annoyed with him a lot because he needs to be told. But then I read a post like this and realise how lucky I am!

I think his mum did everything when he was growing up as that was normal then. But thankfully DH is able to see the good and bad things about how he was brought up and has made sure he emulates the positives and does not repeat the negatives, which I am very thankful for!

Well to be honest when you were not working your husband was quite right to be resentful that you weren't tidying. This is not a sexism thing, by the way. A female if working has the right to be annoyed if her stay-at-home husband doesn't do the washing-up.
Forgive me if your child has special needs- in which case above doesn't apply- but if your child hasn't got special needs then I don't understand why you had to constantly be with him to the extent that you couldn't tidy up.

BUT now you are both working perhaps he should try to take more of an active role in the chores.
I don't think it's right to call him immature, though, he IS providing financially for you and family and working hard- that is a definition of a grown-up, I think.
He's allowed a little "down-time" in the evenings.

I wonder if part of the issue is that your DH works full-time and you work part-time. Is he ever in the house while you are at work? If not, on some level he may think of you as at SAHM like his mother.

When you have discussed trying to share looking after your baby and the chores, do you reflect the fact that he is working longer hours out of the home?

Must say this is a problem I never cracked although strangely he does more now DS is a teen. How was he before you had your DS?

Feel for you about him involving his mum, I would have been totally humiliated. Remember once my DH was supposed to be looking after DS when I was away with work and he called his mum to drive miles so he could still make a last minute work meeting.

I know you are back at work, but part time compared to husband's full time hours.

Surely its plain consideration of the other person.

He does sound pretty lazy if he won't even make food to feed your baby, but to be honest - you sound pretty lazy yourself. I can't really get my head round not cleaning your house when your off on maternity leave or telling your MIL not to do it cos it makes you look bad - surely rather than stopping her from doing it you would just do it yourself?!?!

If my husband was off work and looking after our kids and I was working full time and coming home to a shithole every night I would be going nuts. If he continued to refuse to clean the house then my mum would probably come round to do it just to try and make things easier for us, poor old mother in law seems to be damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

If you can't afford a housekeeper/cleaner then your going to have to honestly sit down and work out what you can ask him to do reasonably and what you should be reasonably doing. If he thinks your taking the piss then he will take the piss right back. Try to stop working against each other, its amazing how much nicer life gets when you start working for each other.

I think you should have talked about the housework and responisbilities before both of you had the baby.

You will have to talk to him about the equal shear of housework as everyone in the house has a responsibilty to help clean, tidy and cook.

Then if he does not want to help out and thinks its all the womans job then its up to you to leave work and stay at home to do it

or leave and find someone who see's things your way.

Im sure he will not like the above and might grow up a bit.

You cant make him do anything but you can react to what he said or does.

Sorry, I don't really have much advice. I just wanted to say I don't think you are expecting too much of your dh, if you have a baby and are working, even part time, there is no way you should be taking care of all the housework and cooking. So you get to do three jobs (work, baby and house) while he does just the one?

A couple of the posts on here are a joke. You are not lazy. Mat leave is about recovering and getting to grips with your new baby. Feeding and general babycare take up endless time plus, if as you say dh has only got up twice in the night, I would guess you are/were very tired, so damn right he should be pulling his weight around the house.

My dh was only 20 when we had our first, and he knew what was expected of him when it comes to being a partner and father. I cannot understand why so many grown men don't seem to be able to step up and act like caring adults.

The way to assess whether any couple-relationship is fair in terms of chores/childcare etc is like this: how much free time does each of you get each week? Ie time to go for a walk, play games, see friends, watch a dvd or take an uninterrupted bath?
If the answer is that he gets loads and you get none, then that's demonstrably unfair. Put it to him in these terms, and if he still tries to argue that he shouldn't have to do housework or his cock will fall off then you.re going to have to work out how/if you want to carry on living with him.

or determine if he's worth keeping as a pet, right, SGB ?

Well, yeah. With any kind of relationship (not just a coule one) if the other person has a major fault that s/he is reluctant to address, there comes a point where you have to choose if you can accept the fault, if the person's other good qualities are enough to compensate for it, or not.