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Original poster

too much, too soon??

31 replies

partytime · 15/07/2010 18:08

So have met a guy a few weeks ago, exchanged texts, phone calls and been on two dates.

I like him, we get on well, he isn't great looking but nor is he fugly.

I have been surprised by his persistence in the way he contacts me, lots of texts and asking when can I call you. Some people might like that and he has said he does, i.e. it makes him feel that I am as interested in him as he is in me.

When we first went out, we had a brief discussion about expectations from a relationship. I said how independent I was and didn't like being smothered or hassled, and that I was happy to go with the flow and see what panned out.

No pressure, is what I want and if we enjoy each others company then great.

He is obviously more keen than I but my main concern is that it all feels to soon to be making 'what sort of relationship we have' type of statements. He has told me he is very 'taken' with me, and I just feel it is too soon for him or anybody to be saying these things.

Any advice? I will see him Sunday and speak on phone tonight.

Also I find this dating again a bit scary, not done it for 26 years!!

OP posts:
iNEEDaWHINGE · 15/07/2010 18:17

"what sort of relationship" and "taken"

i think he's trying to open up a convo about if you actually like him and are actually dating?

have youkissed?? or are these dates simply freidnship so far?

Original poster
partytime · 15/07/2010 18:19

yes we have kissed and he said that it 'didn't help things', be which i assume he meant added to his feelings.

OP posts:
iNEEDaWHINGE · 15/07/2010 18:48

why dont you just ask him outright? no one on here can tell you what these cryptic statements mean

GoldenTomato · 15/07/2010 19:54

Has he recently come out of a relationship or not been in one for ages? He sounds very insecure and some people can't cope with being on their own and need to be in a relationship. I agree it can be very claustraphobic plus if this relationship were to progress he'd be one of people who wouldn't like you having your own life and would always want to be included in everything you did.

I had something similar many years ago. Nice bloke whom I'd known awhile. he was going through a divorce (think his wife had left him for someone else). After one date he seemed to expect us to see each other all the time and rang me daily (this is in the days before mobiles so just landline). he was like he needed to me to make his life complete. anyway it was waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too much too soon and I finished it. strange thing is that our paths have crossed a few times over the years and he alwasy seems to be about to get married to someone but next time I see him he's with someone else. He just seems to desperately need to be in a realtionship and married.

Original poster
partytime · 15/07/2010 20:35

No you are right, I do need to ask him outright what he means and wants. I will be speaking to him later.

I suppose I am not ready myself for the intensity and had thought we could have a more casual friendship type relationship where we meet and have a good time together.

He has been divorced 2 years but I've been separated just 10 months. I have got cold feet possibly, but he really is full on.

Will all men I meet be like this or just players, that is the other type I seem to attract?

OP posts:
loves2walk · 15/07/2010 21:08

hi partytime, how lovely to be having a few dates! You sound worried though that his pace is faster than yours so I think you're right to say this to him. It is worth explaining to him what you'd like from the friendship and that you feel you're not ready for more just yet. The danger of not saying anything is he might put you off by being too intense when just backing off a little might mean you can develop a closer friendship.

Your pace is the right pace.

It might be easier to have this type of conversation face to face though

Original poster
partytime · 15/07/2010 22:43

Thank you Loves, that seems sound advice, and of course my pace is the right pace.

We have spoken this evening and have arranged to meet Sunday. We also touched on how we saw things going. I reiterated my need for independence and space. I really do not want that cloying and stifling relationship.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/07/2010 10:59

partytime I too am cheering from the sidelines that you're going on dates, but have a different take to others, which might be a bit shallow, I'm afraid...

Do you fancy him? When you speak to him or see him, do you get any stirrings...

I must admit that when I was younger, if those feelings weren't pretty much there right from the start, they were never going to be, with me - and I'd have even less patience now.

clarabella23 · 16/07/2010 11:13

I agree with WWIFN. I've been dating and have met some lovely guys, but its ended up with them being a lot more keen than I am, and chasing for more, as I haven't had that 'God I need to rip your trousers off and drag you up to bed' feeling. It just means that your gonna have that awkward conversation-its not you, its me- later on in my experience!

loves2walk · 16/07/2010 12:55

A good thing about keeping it casual at this stage is that you can still be on the lookout for other options whereas if you get too tied up with this guy you won't be as free to explore all possibilties. Keep your options open!
I bet you are a real catch and that's what lies beneath his clinginess! He's scared you'll have your head turned by someone else. But this is your time and after what you've been through in the past year you deserve to enjoy taking your time over dating

Anniegetyourgun · 16/07/2010 13:06

Perhaps it would be a bit heavy to remind you at this stage that control freaks and Narcissists are noted for being full-on very soon in a relationship, aka "the charm offensive" (XH did it too, and I'm pretty sure he's Borderline). It's like they don't want you to think too much about where things are going until you've got there, as it were. I wouldn't for one moment want to suggest that everyone who rushes into a relationship has a dodgy agenda, of course. Not a big red flag but maybe a teeny pink one.

TDiddy · 16/07/2010 13:46

Yeah, you need to strike balance between not being overly choosy vs not thinking that you need to marry the first one that likes you. At a minimum it will be a good confidence builder. Goodluck

loves2walk · 16/07/2010 13:58

I would go for 'not very choosy' for first dates /coffees or casual lunches, to 'very choosy indeed' for more intimate dating or building relationship type stuff.

TDiddy · 16/07/2010 14:03

yeah; and diversify you interest initially as this helps keep you confident and balanced.

Original poster
partytime · 16/07/2010 14:21

Thank you so much all of you, it's great to get varied opinions.

WWIFN and Clarabella - I suppose it's not a 'need to rip your trousers off' feeling that I have, but more of a 'wonder what it would be like' feeling. Maybe that's because I've not been getting much bedroom action lately.

Loves - he has said I'm nothing like other ladies he's dated because of the fact I'm not demanding or wanting to meet his family after one date. I think he finds this a challenge. Also I agree with the casual thing, I certainly don't see me with him in a serious relationship. However, I have to disagree about the choosy v not choosy. I am always choosy and couldn't even kiss a guy that I wasn't a little attracted too in the first place.

Annie - I noted your comments and have read previously posts on the NPD threads. He doesn't strike me as that sort but how can you tell? Maybe a small pinkish flag is right though as it did cross my mind that he seemed a little insecure.

TDiddy - confidence I have in bucket-fulls

OP posts:
ItsGraceActually · 16/07/2010 15:13

patrytime, I was reluctant to post on your thread as you wouldn't want to emulate my relationship history! Excessive "full-on-ness" makes me nervous, too. I'd limit him to 1 call & 2 texts a day or something. Maybe not the right amounts for you - it's all about boundaries. You set your own boundaries where you feel comfortable; don't let anyone else set 'em for you.

Hope it works out for you! But ... no harm done if not, eh

loves2walk · 16/07/2010 18:19

Oh I'd agree partytime about being choosy when it's heading down the snogging route. I used to love the whole snogging/ petting part of new relationships but only with those I really yearned for! But for a coffee or a lunch I'm anyones!
Have you found it daunting to start dating? Easy or hard to meet potential guys to date? Have your friends rallied round to help?

Original poster
partytime · 16/07/2010 19:29

Loves - daunting OMG yes.

How do you start, I'm as old as the hills but look far younger!!

Scary, isn't enough of an adjective to describe my feelings about the whole thing.

I have bags of confidence and can talk for England, but I get so nervous.

Yes friends are trying, but they make suggestions then don't come up with the goods.

Hard to meet guys, yes. Not really the type to hang round clubs, but still, I am out on a girly night tonight so you never know.!!

OP posts:
loves2walk · 17/07/2010 09:22

I hope you had a fun night last night.
I've been struck by how often I've felt nervous about meetings or whatever, usually work things, and other people have said I didn't seem nervous at all. So even if you feel nervous it is likely that the confident, chatty side is what comes across to people.
Good for you for getting out there and mingling despite how scarey it is. You're very brave to face it with such positivity

Original poster
partytime · 17/07/2010 10:41

Had a fun night with good friends, no eye candy though, but it is good to be out there looking!!

Been running through my head what we may talk about tomorrow and how things might go. I do tend to over think things, and perhaps as this is all so new to me I worry that feelings will be hurt. I am a decent person and wouldn't treat anyone badly but if things aren't meant to be then I need to stop it now before he gets too attached.

But then again I do like him. How confusing!

OP posts:
ItsGraceActually · 17/07/2010 12:28

No, it doesn't have to be all or nothing and you're not responsible for his emotions.

It would be wrong to muck him about or mislead him, but you haven't done that so far. Set your own limits where YOU feel comfortable - if he's a decent bloke, he'll respect your limits and take care of his own feelings. A not-very-decent bloke might ignore your limits, or act as though what he wants is all-important.

You should never feel as though you must 'push yourself out of shape' to make someone happy, iyswim.

Glad to hear you're having fun

TDiddy · 17/07/2010 20:19

partytime - a genuinely confident laydee who was playing it cool; this poor guy will melt is my bet.

Original poster
partytime · 20/07/2010 13:59

Update
Met on Sunday as arranged, great afternoon, had lots of laughs, we get on really well.
Talked for hours and I was very honest and told him exactly what I wanted and hoped he would understand, that I need space and like my own time to do things for me.
I think we needed to clear the air, he said he felt the same way and was glad I wasn't a clingy, demanding, needy woman, as he had dated them before and felt claustraphobic. So good news for me.
Went back to his place, felt comfortable to do this, no sex but lots of kissing.
Saw him again last night, and again it just felt really easy to be with him.
I won't see him now for over two weeks due to holidays/work etc but we are planning to have a couple of days away after that.
I now am thinking maybe that's too soon, but maybe I just over think things.

OP posts:
foureleven · 20/07/2010 14:07

After two dates! Jesus I would be terrified.

After 2 dates with my DP (1st date 1 hour for coffee, 2nd 2 hours for drinks) It was all still so exciting and we were both still dating other people.

Neither of us would have dreamed of texting or calling unless to arrange the next date.

The problem is with telling each other 'I'm not clingy' or going in to detail about what you are looking for in a relationship means commiting to being a certain way. I dont know about you but I have been varying degrees of 'clingy' in each relationship. You should see how things pan out and what sides of each others character you bring out over time rather than try to set it all up right from the beginning.

Too much, too soon? definitely.

But each to their own I suppose. And it sounds like you had a good time the last time you met so hey ho.

Good luck with it all

Original poster
partytime · 20/07/2010 14:16

Not 2 dates, but 4.
I do understand what you are getting at but it wasn't quite committing to be a certain way, more a setting of boundaries at present, which is what I needed to do.

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