What a f*ckwit!

[Elmtree1Ems]

Oh man.

Only 5 days after I was waxing lyrical on these very pages about the passion me and fella have and we have 'broken up'.

Was a fight, he said couldn't deal with our fights (they were pretty epic)and wanted out. ok so far so...well yea, heartbroken all of that.

Except three days on and he is 'not sure', he thinks I need to sort myself out (I have some issues with depression) and then 'we will see'. He says if I could be a certian way then wemight work and so on. In the meantime he doens't think we should wait for each other, but he doesn;t want ot rule out the possibility of us getting back together.

Says he loves me, but wants to be friends, to give me a chance to find my happiness and suchlike, and if you love somethng 'set it free' and says if we are meant to be our paths will cross again and we will be together, (subtext once I have sorted myself out). So far hasn;t been willing to enter into any discussion about anything HE might have done to controbute to the breakup.

Oh and last night he told me he was going to go back onto the dating site we met and blog on there, cause he was 'lonely' and upset about not being with me and flirting with other women would help.

I said I was not ok about that and he said 'why are you so worried, no-one on there could compare to you, no woman could, you don't need to feel threatened'.

Uh.

What the actual f*ck?!!!!!

Is there anyone here who thinks he is anytihng other than a tosser? I'm trying to decide whether to remain friends and see where it leads us in the future because when we are 'on' it's like heaven, and I wonder whether we could have a chance...slap me slap me slap me.

(thanks in advance)

He is a tosser.

Dump. Not worth wasting your time.

He's a complete tosser and you have had a lucky escape. Bin him completely and refuse all further contact.
Because what this man is doing is trying to mess with your head. He's an abuser. The idea is that you end up so desperate for his 'love' that you will obey him in every way. Do't forget, abusive men don't turn up on the first date all fangs and claws and calling you a cunt - abusive men of this sort are very, very charming and passionate when they want to be, when they are softening you up.
Send him a text saying 'I don't really think we're compatible, have a nice life, bye' and put him out of your mind. Best of luck.

He wants you to hang on like a good girl, while he checks out his other options? What the actual f*ck indeed! Tosser with all the trimmings.

Mmlint - Thank you, yea tosser is springing to mind this morning wheneve ri think of him!

Solidgold - We have had a very intense time together and one of the tough parts is that in this time he has actually helped me a lot with many issues, so it has been not exactly easy, but easier to overlook the aspects of him which are bad. He always seems to make tihngs sound reasonable and much of what he says is totally spot on...in temrs of how I am. The issue I have is he is never rprepared to make any changes on his end which would help us not to fight. It's very frustrating, and of course it goes without saying I love him fiercly. Ick.

EcoMouse - Well his words were more that we needed a clean break from each other and just be friends for a while and then revisit the issues in a month or so. He says if I were to talk to someone else he would find it hard but he doesn't have any right to tell me not to...but I KNOW if I did he would not forgive it. He knows I know too.

I just find it hard to get to grips with the fact hat he always talks about me being perfect for him and the woman of his dreams, and that he can never imagine ever feeling like anyone else the way he does about me...and then is happy to check other women out? Headf*ck.

if you were his perfect woman, he would not feel the need to go looking elsewhere. I concur he is an abuser - he wants you to wait at home while he works out his committment issus, meanwhile, saying ats all down to you and your issues...funny how they cannot see their own faults huh!

Love should not be this hard. DH and I have been together for 18 years and we both have huge faults, but there is really nothing that he does that would make me want to leave him with an ultimatum to change or else.

The other women on the dating site.....thats a deal breaker.

OP - you say you have problems with depression, I'm not surprised, with a partner like him. Sorry if that sounds flippant, but if you carefully re-read all you've written, you'll see that he's a control freak, who wants his cake and eat it, whilst keeping his options open, whilst blaming you entirely for everything that's wrong in the relationship..need I go on? Oh, and more worrying and significant, is that he's playing with your head. Do yourself a huge favour, and forget him. In time, you'll find a grown up man to have a proper relationship with, and you'll realise what a waster he is.

Yup, headfu*k.

He's hardly going to tell you to hang on while he checks out other options, is he lovely? He's bigged you up, put you down, made joint issues your issues, then wandered off to mess around with other women while you deal with the fallout. Not that you're allowed to seek solace or an ego boost elsewhere! At least, not until he's decided what he wants.

Please take control of this situation before it gobbles you up, I'd imagine it's only going to become more messy and difficult.

Oh, and by all means get yourself "sorted out", depression and anger, how not to turn a disagreement into an epic battle etc. Nobody's perfect (except your ex of course!) and we can all do with working to improve ourselves. It will make you happier in your own skin and potentially a more relaxed and confident partner for someone else. Not him.

you're the perfect woman if only you'd change xyz...

walk away now before he erodes more of your confidence.

he just wants to keep you in the wings.

shongolo - you know thats what I think really. Im not about to go looking for attention elsewhere because I don't WANT anyone else right now, i've always been focused only on him, I really believed he was my soulmate and the one for me, if he felt likewise I don;t think looking at other women would be his top priority right now especially when he knows how I feel about it.

saff - Hi, yea i've had depression on and off since my teens and have never quite been able to shake it. The issues that it has caused to our relationship have been with me being rather emotional and often down, however thats not the whole story, I have tried saying to him its take TWO people to fight the way we do, I am prepared to make changes etc, but it seems like he feels that hhe doesn't. Its really sad actually because I see the man he could be if he could just work through some of his stuff. He is a selfish fucker though so don;t know if he ever will.

Eco - You hit the nail right on the head there, of course he hasnt come out and said in so many words, but we both know the score, he once told me that he would never be anyone;s second choice and take a back seat to any other man etc so if Iwere to flirt etc with someone else he would see that as well cheating basically.

Thank you everyone, I know I need to be told, I am just working up the strength right now to give up on this. Being with him for the most part made me the happiest girl ever and I truly felt as if we were meant to be. Sounds kind of crazy but we would have many a time when we could read each others mind, sense when the other one was tihnking about us and so on. In person he could hold his hand next to me and give me an orgasm,we could spend whole days together and I would think 'I want a drink' and he would pass me one with nothing said....Similar views and interests in almost everytihng...a man who made me feel special and like a real woman, someone who I realised what the words 'making love' meant...urgh, all those things...its hard to walk away from.

grrrrr

Hi Annie - Yes you are totally right and I am looking into this really cool book on 'mindfulness through depression' as well as having made an appointment for counselling next week.

WH - Yes it is funny how perfection needs so much changing right?

Oh dear.

Thank you everyone, really.

"last night he told me he was going to go back onto the dating site we met and blog on there, cause he was 'lonely' and upset about not being with me and flirting with other women would help"

What a fucking nobhead. What. A. Nobhead. Dating site? Flirting on the internet? Lonely? Good god where do you (plural) find all these fucking men?

Jesus H Van Rumpoy, set your bloody sights higher...*

*meant in an encouraging way

im sorry but if you meant so little to him then i think he is not to be waited for.

Yes, he could read you inside out; that's how he knew exactly how to press your buttons.

You're going to give him a shock now, though, aren't you?

I'll take a leaf out of AnyFucker's book and link this for your support and entertainment.

PMSL!!!!!

You are right it sounds so outrageous when I type it on here, when you are in the middle of it though your brain does all these crazy rationalising type things, I guess to protect from the pain and so on.

It is honestly like he is two people, this wonderful guy who has made me feel so amazing..and this sefish f*ckturd who just seems to twist things to suit him...I can feel him manipulating me a lot of the time, and it makesme angry..but then I also sort of reaosn to myself and think 'oh well does it really matter if he does cause he is so great the rest of the time'type tihng.

Which sounds f'ing pathetic. Yea slap me slap me slap me.

Annie - That is bloody BRILLIANT!! I just played that at top volume and had the first smile i've had in days.

Thank you

Honestly, Elmtree, men like this are actually harmful, not just non-monogamous. He's extremely manipulative, and what's more he has targeted you because you are vulnerable. He's a predator, a textbook abuser. Very abusive men are good at the intense, charming, passionate bit but the minute you disobey or disagree all hell breaks loose. They use your insecurities to make you ever more dependent and helpless. You don't have DC with him, bin him right off completely.

Hey SGB.

You know I am beginning to really see how childish he can be when it comes to taking any responsibility for his actions. You are totally right that all hell breaks loose when I don't do things his way, some of the time he bends on little things, but mostly it's me making compromises for him.
Sick of it tbh. Thanks.

He's a manipulative twunt, avoid,avoid, avoid!

He will gradually erode your confidence, and make you feel you should change to be his 'perfect' women to 'keep' him. From what you've said he's already making you feel like this.

You are worth more.

It's possible that he wil become a little troublesome - sometimes men like this back off, shrug their shoulders and search for weaker prey, sometimes they decide that it's worth a bit more pushing because you might still break. So if he starts being nice and romantic and begging for another chance, tell him to leave you alone. If he keeps it up, bear in mind that it's perfectly OK and not at all unreasonable to threaten him with harassment charges if he won't go away, and if he continues, do it.

I know it's kind of obvious - but you do know don't you that the dating site's to make you insanely jealous - so much so that you'll see how much you desperately want him, no matter what the cost.

Just feel very very sorry for the poor girls who might fall for his false charms.

Yea he did make sure to sort of 'run it by' me last night and paid no attention to me saying 'actually that's really really not ok, it will upset me a lot'.

Right now I have only got as far as changing to a new email account (the one we use sort of has a username which is personal to us) and aksed him to use that if he needed to get in contact with me for anything.

I got a one word 'sure' and thats been that.

I have managed to book a class in kickboxing for Monday, something i've always wanted to try and I am really looking forward to that, and have a job interview next week.

I don't yet seem to be able to make that final push to say don't contact me again, a big part of me wonders if I just leave him be and let him go without me for a while he may realise a few things...and be more willing to put some work into his issues.

I'm deeply confused because there are so many other aspects to him that are wonderful, and part of me feels like he has this potential to make me very happy, he needs some therapy, but he is not all bad. I know how that sounds. Thats where I am right now anyway.

Thank you to everyone for your help today, it doesn't sound like much but at least i;ve managed to get some positive things done today and not send long emails or chat or phone him. I've never been able to do that before when he has upset me, i've always tried to make things right.

He is a monumental, enormous tosser.

And you can guarantee that if you back off from him he will suddenly become attentive and charming, until you fall for him again, when he will start the nonsense again.

Trust me.

Leave him WELL alone.

"I'm deeply confused because there are so many other aspects to him that are wonderful, and part of me feels like he has this potential to make me very happy, he needs some therapy, but he is not all bad."

You need to stop thinking like this, the likelihood of him actually making you happy are very very slim. He is not wonderful it is an act.

You cannot 'fix' him

Total tossrag....he should be feeling sympathy and commpassion if you are depressed not dumping you.

He just wants to mess around with other women and keep you dangling at the same time.He knows what to say to manipulate you and keep you waiting for him.

Avoid, avoid, avoid