My farking mother!! Warning, Long and ranty...

[TequilaMockinBird]

No replies needed to this really I just need to let it all out before I scream!

Backstory: My mother had an affair with my dad's best friend (lets call him Pete) and subsequently walked out on us when I was about 12 and my brother about 8. Pete told her that he wanted her to leave my dad but there was no way he was taking on 2 children aswell - and so she walked out on all of us. She didnt give us an address/telephone number or anything. She would ring my grandmother and leave messages for us or we could give messages back to her that way.

So anyway, because dad worked all hours just to pay the bills and keep us in food and clothes, I more or less had to bring up my brother - hence we are now very close.

I fell pg in my late teens and mum told me to have an abortion. She even took me, kicking and screaming, to the hospital to have a chat with a doctor about a termination. I didnt want to go through with it and luckily dad supported me and stood by me. I now have my lovely DD.

Mum and Pete got married a couple of years later and told me over the telephone 2 weeks after they had got married. So neither me nor my brother had been invited, or even told about the wedding.

Mum eventually came round to the idea of my DD and over the years we started talking and mum eventually gave me her phone number and told me where she lived. But DD and I were not allowed into her house as Pete doesnt like children (and doesnt like me!). One day shortly after potty training DD, we were passing mums house in the car and DD needed the loo. As it's about 5 miles from home, i pulled into mums and asked could DD please just use the loo as she's desperate. Mum replied no because Pete was just about to go in the bath . Neither I, nor DD have ever forgotten that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I are getting married in a few months in the Caribbean. When we told my mum she (as always) reacted in a negative way "the caribbean?" "why do you want to get married" etc. MIL and FIL however were over the moon for us! So we went and booked the wedding, MIL and FIL have paid for us and them to go.

We wanted to go abroad as neither DP nor I want a big do with lots of people there, we both hate being centre of attention and tbh Gretna Green was on the list before IL's offered to pay for the Caribbean! We did tell family though and stated that they were welcome to come if they wanted to. Only DP's sister and my brother decided they wanted to.

So last night, mum rang me and asked had we booked the wedding yet. I replied that yes and I'd told her months ago we'd booked it. She then broke down in tears, claimed I was very selfish and nasty because she cant afford to go. Now, she has just (last week) booked 2 weeks in Spain, at the end of this month she is going away down south for a week, and they have a new car on order. I mentioned all of this to her and she replied that they had saved up all year for those things .

Now, what really annoys me (on top of everything else!!) is that about 5 years ago Pete's son was getting married in Vegas. Mum and Pete were all set to go until Pete's XWife said she was going and so then they pulled out.

So they can afford to go to his wedding and pay for numerous holidays, buy a new car, but cant afford to go to mine? Don't get me wrong, I dont really want them there! But the sobbing down the phone to me has really annoyed me. She hasnt been a mum to me since she walked out that door all those years ago! She hasnt cared since then and she obviously still doesnt care now!

That is the very brief version of events, I'd be here all week if I was type out everything!

As I've said, not expecting any replies, I just needed to get that out. The woman is driving me to insanity!

I know you don't necessarily want replys, and I agree that how your mother has behaved is terrible.

if 'pete' has wanted so little to do with you and your family over the years do you think that maybe he is saying your mum cant go/afford it. yet could go to HIS sons wedding.

is your dad not going (you obviously dont have to answer)

I think you should take yourself, dp, your lovely dd and your inlaws who seem like lovely people to the caribbean, and have a truly wonderful wedding day and holiday, and put your mum put of your mind as she did you, when she left.

have a great time and a great rest of your life. x

Just to say I have great sympathy for you. Many of the things you talk about have happened in my dh's family, to the point that I wonder if you're my SIL, except the time scale and order is slightly different! The only way I can get to grips with the way they behave is to keep my distance and invest more in my own family, and that's what my dh does too. It's sad and something which we are always 'coming to terms' with.

Enjoy your wedding and have a lovely time with the people who enhance your life and make you happy x

Quick example of FIL's behaviour, if you don't mind me hijacking for a rant...

He has a huge pension following a very well paid career. He and step-MIL spend a lot of money (100s of Ks) on re-doing-up their house (a reason trotted out for never making the effort to visit grandchildren) and recently they didn't send a birthday present to his daughter, stating that they were 'short of money' that month. They had recently been on holiday, and had apparently spent over £30,000 on 'exclusive' carpets for their house in the preceding month. Couldn't afford a fiver for a present?? Sorry. I feel better for that. Thanks.

Agree with the other 2. Concentrate on your own life, your own family and be happy with your lot. Keep yourself in a bubble and when you have to talk to her you can just imagine the words bouncing off your bubble and so whatever she says doesn't really get to you.

You sound like a lovely person and you have a great family network that doesn't necessarily involve Pete and Mum. Hmm, wonder if she could be conscious of this and maybe a little [hmmm]??

Have the very best day and honestly when you get there and you walk towards him you will not care about all this sh't. Congratulations to you all and remember that bubble!

You have my every sympathy tequilia. Poor you

fWIW I had a very similar relationship with my mother, she didn't raise me (buggered off and left me with my gran when I was a baby0 and I only saw her a handful of times when I was growing up, even though we lived in the same town. Eventually got to know her when I was 17. Tried for donkey's years to have a relationship with her - she would never accept the fact that she had done anything that she needed to apologise for. She was also horrible - took the mickey out of me, pooh poohed when I was upset, was just horrible really. But I tried and persevered because I wanted to have a mother. It's such a basic need.

We have not spoken for nearly a year now - we had an argument and I just decided to cut her out of my life. I had tried to build a mother daughter relationship with her for 15 years and it had never worked. It was always me making the running.

As hard as it was to accept, my life is better without her in it.

Your mum sounds like a remarkably selfish mum, like mine, who seems to want the whole of the world to revolve around them.

It sounds like you have some lovely people gping to your wedding, which is great on one hand, but I imagine you will feel a bit lost without your mum there, despite you knowing what she is like. The thing is she probably will never change - you just have to accept that is how she is, and you either put up with that, or think life is too short and cut her out.

She sounds a nightmare - sorry no advice but I do underdstnd how you feel.

Good luck for the wedding - I hope you have a fantastic time.

She didn't tell you she was getting married, yet has a fit when you tell her well in advance of yours and give her the option to go, but she chooses to spend her money on other things?

She is B absolutely and positively U. She is a selfish mare who has never put you first and is not about to start now. So you don't need to take her feelings into account.

Thank you for your replies, and for taking the time to read my essay OP!

My lovely dad passed away 7 years ago so although he wont be there in person, I know he'll be there in spirit - supporting me as he always did do when there was nobody else there.

I think you could be right about the jealousy. She did say on the phone last night that she couldnt believe IL's would be there but she wouldnt be. I pointed out that anybody was welcome to come and I'd always said that. Her response as usual 'we cant afford it'. This is bollocks, Pete is on a very good pension, they have no mortgage and can afford 2 or 3 holidays per year, a new car, and to eat lunch out every day!

Now my thoughts on this are that, if it was my DD getting married, I would be there - come hell or high water. Even if I was skint, I'd put it on a credit card or get a loan - from the provvy if need be! I think that's what annoys me, she's only being like this to try and upset me, if she wanted to go, she would go regardless of circumstances.

Another thing I should have mentioned is that DP and I are putting money aside every mmonth to pay for my brother to go as he's recently been made redundant. I want him there to give me away in Dad's absence and also as I mentioned before, we became very close growing up. Mum knows we are paying and hates it.

I thought mum's were supposed to be happy for their children? I know I'd be happy for DD if it were me.

I really dont know why i let her get to me after all these years

She gave birth to you but really, ethically she is not your "mum", she is a person who cares more for this Pete (who sounds a shit, BTW) and herself than anyone else.

Forget her, she lost her right to comment on your life when she walked out and ignored you.

Tequila

This toxic and selfish mother of your lost the right to be called your mum a long time ago. She was likely not much of a parent prior to her leaving with her fancy man and I would only now view her as the person who gave birth to you. Both your brother and yourself were abandonned by her when you were both young children. She chose and still chooses to put "Pete" before everyone else including her own children.

All this sobbing down the phone on her part is emotional blackmail. Its all really about her you see; I am wondering if she is narcissistic in terms of personality.

Would go to the Caribbean and have a wonderful wedding. Surround yourself with people who provide a stable and positive influence on your family.

Reading your OP, I strongly believe it's a blessing in disguise that she "can't" come. She would ruin your day, belittle you out of jealousy, and like Miggsie says, Pete sounds like a right twat.

You have done ENOUGH!

Now it's your turn to enjoy your life.

Agree with Migsie and Attila. This woman lost the right to have any say, opinion, or input into your life, the day she slammed the door on you all those years ago. She wants attention now, to deflect from your happiness. That's why she's turning on the tears. It's sad and horrible but very usual for narcisstic mothers. If you haven't already done so, check out a website called "Daughters of narcisstic mothers". You'll be amazed, relieved and gobsmacked at the way these women operate. Remember the mantra that has got me through some awful years, "It's not me - it's her". Good luck, enjoy your wedding and your future!

sorry, and why are you talking to that woman?

Thanks for the reassurances, I sometimes think maybe it's me in the wrong!

Yes, Pete is a right twat, and is also very controlling. But then she is very like him so maybe they are a match made in heaven.

I will surround myself with those who care for me, my IL's are fab, they have taken DD and I on as if we were their own (DP is not DD's dad). And they certainly do more for us than my mum does!

When I suggested that if she couldnt afford to come she could put it on a credit card she replied I dont have a credit card. I suggested there are lots of 0% credit cards out there which would mean she could pay over the course of a year or so, she replied "so i have to get into debt for you?"

I think now that you have confirmed my thoughts - she is not a mum, she merely gave birth to me! I really didnt want her there in the first place, but now I dont want her there at all! In fact I dont even think I want her at the reception we will have when we come home either!

usedtobe, sorry x-posted

I am talking to her because she makes me feel guilty and like some of this is my fault because I am awkward with her and expect too much of her - apparently.

Also, DD adores her (even though she only sees her once a week for 2 hours!), and she hasnt really done anything wrong to DD. I dont want to rob DD of her grandmother without just reason really

If it wasnt for DD then I think I would have cut all ties by now!

Saffysmum, I'm just off to work now but thank you - I will have a look at that website later on

Do not allow your mum to make you feel guilty or in any way in the wrong here, she only wants attention. Its total attention seeking behaviour, at a time where you are the main focus!

I know from experience (my mum is v similar in many ways..)

Put her out of your mind. Enjoy the anticipation of a fantastic wedding and a happy future.

she said "so I have to get in debt for you?"

She's been in your debt, love, since the day she walked out. She owes you big time and unfortunately there is no bank in the world that could lend her what she needs: selflessness; compassion; humility, geniune remorse, unconditional love. Accepting that she cannot give you what you want, and will never "get you" is heartbreaking, believe me, I know. But, it does get better. The first step is accepting her as she is - then you can start to heal. Let her go, please. And focus on your wonderful future with the people who really love you.

Hi tequila,

You can still cut ties; you're not getting anything positive from this relationship and I daresay your DD won't either particularly as she becomes older.

Like many adults who were victims and remain victims of toxic parents, you are trapped in the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. This woman abandonned you and your brother when you were young children; this has affected you both markedly and it is indeed to your credit that you come across in writing as balanced as you are actually.

Sod guilt at well. You have NO obligation at all to this selfish creature, NONE whatsoever. I daresay too that this woman was too bloody selfish to have ever been any sort of caring parent to either of you anyway even before she walked off into the sunset with fancy bloke. I am not surprised at all to read he is controlling, she has met a kindred spirit in him. They are both feeding off each other because I daresay that both of them have a narcissisitic personality disorder. They can truly be some of the most nasty and poisonous people on the planet.

Would seriously consider whether you want your child to be exposed to such a toxic influence in the first place. Such toxic people are also quite happy to pass on all their crap to the next generation and your child could well get hurt by her as a result particularly as she gets older and less easy to control. Your DD could well be being used by her as her narcissistic supply. DD would adore her really; as a child you accept all adults around you. Do not forget either this woman as well would not allow your DD to use her toilet, she said no to you both because her fella was going to get into the bath!. Toxic people as well you see do not play by the "rules" governing "normal family behaviour" and they never accept any responsibility for their actions. This woman has shown no remorse for what she did has she?. And she will never do so either.

Agree with pink grapefruit - your Mum just wants to be the centre of attention. Ignore her and enjoy your wedding.

[gives Tequila massive virtual hug]

You and your DP and DD sound absolutely lovely. Have a bloody brilliant wedding - I know you will.

Just wanted to sympathise as have similar mother myself. Like you, I also don't want to rob my own DD of a grandmother so haven't cut total contact, and do still talk to her although in small doses. [Someone once described it as not a relationship but "mother-management"!] It's taken absolutely years and lots of therapy to be able to let it all roll off my back, but yes, same tears down phone and wanting to hijack every occasion, same hurtful stuff. Alas, they don't ever change I'm afraid. All we can do as daughters is give ourselves a lot of compassion and self-empathy for what we've been through and accept that it's not our fault they are how they are.

So just wanted to say you're v brave. And you're also going to be just fine, you had such a lovely dad and brother and now in-laws, that's fab.

Also, for what it's worth, my mum does manage to have nice interactions with my DD albeit v v limited, like you by the sounds of it. I didn't want to cut her out totally as couldn't face another family feud going down the generations....

Have a really wonderful time in the sun!

attila, very interesting points, I can identify with that

If she is truly narcissistic even if she did come to the wedding SHE would then have some crisis/illness etc to turn attention to HER. My grandmother was a master of this, every occasion, no matter WHAT, was about her. She also tried to break up the marriages of her two children.

So if your "mum" has any of those classic narcissitic character traits, you don't really want her there at all. I bet she just wants to pnce about as "mother of the bride" but contribute nothing else, other than bad feeling.

If she starts on again, ask her flat: "you ignored me all these years and suddenly YOU feel left out?"

If she comes up with some dreadful "poor me, how can you..." crap you know she is a classic narcissist and you may as well not even bother to try to have a normal relationship with her, she isn't normal.

Why would you want anything to do with this nasty piece of work? Poor you. Erase her from your life, you're better off without the selfish cow. She'll never change. I think it is a good result she won't be there - at leaast there is no risk of her ruining your actual wedding day.

On a happier note - Congratulations on your forth coming marriage. Hope you have a lovely day.

Wow. I'm jaw-droppingly astonished that you've tried to maintain a relationship with this woman for so long.

Congratulations on your marriage! (And your lovely daughter. And your clear-sighted approach to your life.)

I think she would spoil things tbh.

That aside, would she come without Pete anyway?

If not then all her protests are immaterial.

TBH I don´t know why you give her the time of day-she´s shown where her priorities are-self, self and self!