My farking mother!! Warning, Long and ranty...

[TequilaMockinBird]

No replies needed to this really I just need to let it all out before I scream!

Backstory: My mother had an affair with my dad's best friend (lets call him Pete) and subsequently walked out on us when I was about 12 and my brother about 8. Pete told her that he wanted her to leave my dad but there was no way he was taking on 2 children aswell - and so she walked out on all of us. She didnt give us an address/telephone number or anything. She would ring my grandmother and leave messages for us or we could give messages back to her that way.

So anyway, because dad worked all hours just to pay the bills and keep us in food and clothes, I more or less had to bring up my brother - hence we are now very close.

I fell pg in my late teens and mum told me to have an abortion. She even took me, kicking and screaming, to the hospital to have a chat with a doctor about a termination. I didnt want to go through with it and luckily dad supported me and stood by me. I now have my lovely DD.

Mum and Pete got married a couple of years later and told me over the telephone 2 weeks after they had got married. So neither me nor my brother had been invited, or even told about the wedding.

Mum eventually came round to the idea of my DD and over the years we started talking and mum eventually gave me her phone number and told me where she lived. But DD and I were not allowed into her house as Pete doesnt like children (and doesnt like me!). One day shortly after potty training DD, we were passing mums house in the car and DD needed the loo. As it's about 5 miles from home, i pulled into mums and asked could DD please just use the loo as she's desperate. Mum replied no because Pete was just about to go in the bath . Neither I, nor DD have ever forgotten that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I are getting married in a few months in the Caribbean. When we told my mum she (as always) reacted in a negative way "the caribbean?" "why do you want to get married" etc. MIL and FIL however were over the moon for us! So we went and booked the wedding, MIL and FIL have paid for us and them to go.

We wanted to go abroad as neither DP nor I want a big do with lots of people there, we both hate being centre of attention and tbh Gretna Green was on the list before IL's offered to pay for the Caribbean! We did tell family though and stated that they were welcome to come if they wanted to. Only DP's sister and my brother decided they wanted to.

So last night, mum rang me and asked had we booked the wedding yet. I replied that yes and I'd told her months ago we'd booked it. She then broke down in tears, claimed I was very selfish and nasty because she cant afford to go. Now, she has just (last week) booked 2 weeks in Spain, at the end of this month she is going away down south for a week, and they have a new car on order. I mentioned all of this to her and she replied that they had saved up all year for those things .

Now, what really annoys me (on top of everything else!!) is that about 5 years ago Pete's son was getting married in Vegas. Mum and Pete were all set to go until Pete's XWife said she was going and so then they pulled out.

So they can afford to go to his wedding and pay for numerous holidays, buy a new car, but cant afford to go to mine? Don't get me wrong, I dont really want them there! But the sobbing down the phone to me has really annoyed me. She hasnt been a mum to me since she walked out that door all those years ago! She hasnt cared since then and she obviously still doesnt care now!

That is the very brief version of events, I'd be here all week if I was type out everything!

As I've said, not expecting any replies, I just needed to get that out. The woman is driving me to insanity!

I am astounded that you would even give this woman the time of day to be honest. She's no more your "mum" than the man on the moon.

You don't really believe she has any emotional interest in being at your wedding do you? It's just about her missing out on something that other people are having.

I would just ask her how can she possibly come when she can't bear to be parted from her "Pete" and when he clearly can't come as he can't stand to be in the same room as you. Is he prepared to tolerate you and your DD on your wedding day? Just this once like? How lovely of him.

From what you have said I think you will have all the family that matter there and it would be awful if this pair were there.

Don't pander to her.

Tequila - so sorry to hear about your dad.

Atilla - you are very wise.

Thank you all, only on for a couple of minutes while on a break from work.

Atilla, you are so right in what you say. Your posts have really made me think. No, she has never shown any remorse for what she did. In the past we've had arguments and I've brought up the fact that I more or less brought her son up, made sure he went to school, made sure he school uniform washed and ironed, was there for him coming home from school etc.. Her response to this was 'well your dad should've been there instead of burying his head in his work' . Nothing to do with the fact then that she paid absolutely nothing towards our upkeep and infact I had to work part time as some weeks Dad's wage wasnt enough!

The more I type this out and think about it, i really am quite astonished too that I've tried to keep a relationship going with her.

She really believes she has never done anything wrong and that I am in fact in the wrong for my 'attitude' towards her. Tbh I think I've been quite tolerant of her.

Will seriously think about cutting out of our lives now though. Atilla is right, I dont think my DD will suffer much in the long run as a result of no contact (albeit it might be hard in the short term!). She does say things about me to my DD like when I had my hair dyed blonde, mum would say to DD 'I wish your mother would do something with her hair, it looks like a nylon wig' - nice huh? DD obviously tells me whatever is said about me anyway - and I think mum knows this and thats why she does it, so she can also be nasty to me indirectly. I used to just ignore these things but now it's got to the point where I've completely had enough of the selfish cow

tequila so sorry to hear about your dad.

she says your being awkward with her, she bloody left you for a man that didn't want you around, to see you speak with you and now she's upset that your being awkward.

WTF!!!!! I have 5 children and another on the way (1ds and 4dds) and they can be the most awkward, annoying, mind numbingly argumentative little so and so's ever, we're skint, our house is falling apart but I wouldn't even for one second think about leaving them for anything, and as you said I would move hell and high water to be there for them no matter what!!!

But along with all the naughty bits that kids come with, they are also an incredible source of fun, laughter and heart warming niceness, as I'm sure your dd is, which your mother missed out on, her los imo.

so forget your mother and pete and enjoy your little family, you, soon to be dh, dd, inlaws and your brother.

That woman who gave birth to you does not deserve the name 'mother'

And i am so sorry your lovely dad has passed away, i am sure you will be with you at the wedding though. He sounds like a wonderful man who deserves your love, not that poor excuse for a woman. I am not being flippant, and i do understand the other poster who explained the need for a mother kept her going back. But it really is best for you and your dd to forget and keep her at arms length,

Wish you all the best at the wedding x

Yes, I am going to enjoy my little family and also my IL's who would do anything for us.

I have decided that I'll keep my distance from my mother from now on. Do you think I should still invite her to the reception when we get back from the wedding? Not sure I couldn't invite her, I'd feel guilty and I know DD would want her there. There would also be all the questions about 'where is your mum tonight then' hmmm

Oh Tequila, sounds like your mother and my mother subscribed to the same school of non-parenting! I can summarise my feelings on your mam and the lovely Pete in two words:

Fuck 'em.

If you want her there, go ahead, but dont do it just for dd.Also you will need to take your dh's feelings into account. He might resent her more than you, as he loves you and doesnt want to see you hurt. This is your family now, your new adult family. They must come first.

Nemo awful isnt it? Especially when you're a parent yourself and know you wouldnt treat your children like that in a million years! Can I ask - do you speak to your mother?

I dont really want her there Rupert, no. I just think she probably should be there IYKWIM

Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know yet, will speak to DP about it and see what he thinks

I'm with you on this completely.

My mother has been a toxic parent and I've received a great deal of support on various threads I've started under different names over the years.

Attila - you have always given me BRILLIANT advice and you've helped more than you could ever know by pointing me in the right direction.

Right, now - you need to do some research on this and the picture will become clear. I'm sure the book "Toxic Parents" has already come up (sorry, haven't read the whole thread) and possibly the website "daughters of narcissistic mothers", which is a hugely helpful site to those of us who've suffered this.

Can I also recommend the website "bully online". It's a British website and I found so much of it pertained to my mother. I realised she'd bullied me for years and it all made sudden sense. I also realised I had many of the symptoms of PTSD as a result - this also helped me come to terms with things.

You are not alone - you just need some ways to cope with this. I cut my mother out of my life about 18 months ago as a temporary measure after she did things that were setting off my PTSD "triggers" and causing anxiety and panic attacks. She has recently tried to re-establish our relationship because she wants to see her grandkids but she's not prepared to do any work on herself. Ultimately, she's decided not so see me again. To be honest, it's a huge relief. I'm thinking of having an "orphan party" with some top notch champagne!

No contact isn't all bad!

My mum always used to say that when I had kids I would understand why she was the way she was. Fast forward 16 years, and I have three kids, and am more bewildered and hurt about the way she treated me. I could never treat or say the things that she said to me, to my kids, in a million years.

Please don't have her at the reception - I know it's hard to face up to what she is, but the day you do, is the day you will begin to heal.

She's a twat, sorry. And 'Pete' is a twat too. Pair of twats.

From today tequila, your 'mother' no longer exists.

cut her off totally the way she did to you. without warning, without a head up, without looking back.

She is simply DEAD to you. Change your numbers, all of them. I can't think she'll bother to haul her sorry arse all the way to your door, but if she does, get DH to answer the door and tell her to kindly leave you alone, or if you open the door, slam it firmly in her face.

She continues to abuse you through your own daughter... how long before she starts ON HER??

I admire your ability to keep in touch with her all this time, but I wonder if that was out of fear, and obligation. Well you are grown, have a family of your own now and know that what she did was and always will be unforgivable.

Embrace your new life, your new husband and your new ILs, they sound lovely btw.

That you are so kind, loving and level headed is a testament to YOU and you alone, you are a strong person and would be even stronger without her as a millstone around your neck.

It must be hard to cut contact with your mother.

But you wouldn´t accept this behaviour from a friend, so why from a mother?
The fact that it is your mother treating you actually imo makes it less forgiveable.

Thanks all, you have made me realise that they are both utter twats! I knew this before coming on here but now that you lovely ladies have confirmed it, I know for sure IYSWIM!

That website for daughters of narcisstic mothers is really good btw. Spent hours reading through it the other night and lots of it rang true! I was thinking about sending her the link but then thought better of it!!

Mum and Pete have had dd out for lunch today. I was to drop dd off at 12 and they would bring her home. In the meantime I was asked round for a coffee by a friend at 11.30am, asked mum could I drop dd off about 40 mins earlier - answer? 'no, I said 12, if I'd meant earlier than 12 i would have said so!' . Stupid cow! Deserves all she gets, hope her and Pete are very happy together on their own (they dont have any friends and dont speak to any family except for me and my brother! His children disowned him long ago!)

Anyway Thanks for all of your well wishes for our wedding, we will have a fab time and I wont give 'those 2' a second thought!

You owe this woman absolutely nothing, she abdicated herself of all responsibility once she gave birth to you. She was never a caring and nurturing mother but more like a narcissistic one.

I would also gradually stop contact between your DD and them. They took her out to lunch today?!. I notice as well it was on their terms (drop her off at 12). I state that for a number of reasons, these are outlined below.

Your mum will start on her in time (infact she has made snide comments to her re your own appearance. She knows your DD will tell you what was said and your mother is using your child to get back at you) and her partner "pete" is also a shit of the first order. I remember from your initial post too that these two did not allow your DD to use their toilet because he was just about to go in the bath!. She has been a toxic parent to you and she will in all likelihood be a toxic grandparent to your DD. Please think twice about allowing your DD to be in their company in any way, shape or form from now on. These two honestly don't give a toss about anyone except their own narcissitic selves.

"they dont have any friends and dont speak to any family except for me and my brother! His children disowned him long ago".

Am I surprised that his children disowned him long ago. No. Both you and your brother need to stop contact as well and I never write that at all lightly.

BTW what sort of relationship does your brother have with this gruesome twosome?.

Attila, as always, you are spot on.

Yes they've had her out to lunch, I think they are trying to 'prove themselves' or some such rubbish. Little do they know I can see right through them!

My brother speaks to them but not that often. He was younger than I was when she left and was shielded from much of the fall out by myself and my dad. It affected me a lot more as I then had to take on the 'mothers role' within the family IYGWIM. Working part time in a cafe after being at school all day and then going home to cook tea etc, whilst in my very early teens while mum swanned about on holidays etc with Pete, even to this day leaves me feeling very angry. Also, my brother has no DC so she can't meddle as much with his life!

My brother doesnt like Pete but tolerates him for mums sake. He wont go out of his way to talk to Pete but will be polite if Pete talks to him.